I know! It's been soooo long! I am losing my edge, for sure. When you read it you might wonder why, but this has been the hardest chapter to write, so far. It changed dramatically every time I wrote it and turned into something completely different in the end. You might also wonder why it is the way it is – but believe me, it HAD to be. For other events to fall into place. Besides…isn't it so very ironic that we interpret others so very wrong most of the time and that they, in turn, interpret us, too? I have seen it do more damage than any singular person is capable of – this misinterpretation.
Anyhow – thank you, thank you, thank you for the amazing reviews! My schedule won't let me reply right away but I hope that the installment of yet another chapter will make up for it a little bit.
Merry Christmas to all and I promise the next chapter will be faster.
"I should go," Russel said as they stepped away from the horses.
Legolas gave him a sharp look. "Not without me."
The anger that sparked in Russel's eyes was hard to miss. "I should go alone." The elf's eyes blazed in reply so he added reluctantly "At first, I mean. I can…break her reaction."
Legolas turned to him, then. He seemed very tense and impatient to stalk after Irulan. This conversation seemed completely absurd to him. He opened his mouth and Haldir intervened. "He might be right, my lord." He turned with surprise to his friend, startled for a moment. "Let Russel go. I would not want you to face disappointment if she is still upset."
Legolas remained very still and deep disbelief emanated from him. "No," he said flatly many moments later. The horses whined softly as the company stood frozen in the swiftly building heat of the day. Mona stood aside, watching the interaction with placid eyes. "No," he said again, hoping that the argument would die.
Haldir took a step towards him. "Legolas," he began tentatively, then continued in Elvish, "/You did not part in good terms. What if she is still bitter about that?/"
He waited a short moment to still the argument those words managed to spark in him and spoke against all rationality "I do not care."
Haldir took a deep breath and massaged his eyes before he dropped his hand and fixed the Prince again. "/Listen to my counsel, please. I am not telling you NOT to go. Only to remain aside for a few moments to judge her reaction."
"She isn't well," Legolas seethed then. His anger was building further. And not only because he was irritated at the intervention, but also because Haldir's words made sense. 'I don't care,' he thought with as much determination as he could muster. 'I need to see her. NOW!' The pull was incredible and he knew that she was very close. Their last parting, his vision in the jet, the terrible incidents that had taken place since they had arrived in China and the fact that Irulan was giving off a weak, damaged signal all seemed too good excuses for him to just dash in her direction right this second.
"Yes," Haldir pressed on, eager to explain his logic. "/But remember your parting. Remember that she said nothing to you before she left. Remember, also, that she called not you, but Russel/." The pain that settled into Legolas' eyes at the recollection of that was impossible to miss for elf or mortal. It sent a similar flash of ache through him but he took a deep breath and continued, determined to spare his old friend as much disappointment as possible. Though this was a mission to reunite the couple –on his behalf, anyway- he had no intentions of hurling them towards each other. After the last happenings it seemed much safer to assume that Irulan was not very happy with Legolas and that she would react harsh to his presence here. A friend would bear her cut far easier than Legolas at the moment, he thought. "I know that she will change her mind about you and I have no doubt of the love in her heart for you, my lord. But…please – let us be cautious."
Legolas looked away, towards the direction that Irulan was. He pursed his lips. His thoughts were a blur and he felt incapable to listening to logic at this moment. How very true Haldir's words were! In fact, if there was one person in this company that Irulan would be unhappy about confronting again, it would be him. And yet…all he wanted to do was to run there, embrace Irulan and kiss her senseless.
He stood, unable to tip the scale in either direction when Anne spoke up for the first time. "Legolas," she said warily, watching his reaction, "Haldir has a point. I know Irulan. If she is still angry at you, she might take this really bad."
Still he waited. 'I don't care!' he screamed to himself in his head over and over again. But…he DID care. He thought of another slash of her fury and deep in his heart Legolas knew that he didn't have the strength to face something of that magnitude right now.
Russel, who took this opportunity to kick some sense into Legolas, moved in. "You said that you came to help us finding her." The Prince's head snapped up and their gazes met once more. It was a true test of courage for Russel not to step back at the rage he saw in those orbs. He swallowed and forced himself to look as casual as possible. "You said that was the ONLY reason why you came. And that you meant to return once we did."
Even Haldir tensed at this. He knew well enough that Legolas was not here for something as simple as that. He had come to win Irulan back, there was no doubt about that. Russel knew this as well. He SHOULD know this. But he had hit a very weak spot. He glanced at the man and wondered how smart Russel was. Apparently much smarter than he had anticipated.
Legolas merely clenched his jaws and fisted his hand so that he would not scream out his rage. What to say to that? Hadn't he mentioned that he only meant to help and not stand in Irulan's way any longer? He had. Hadn't he said that he would step aside after that? He had. Hadn't he hinted that he was to return to Amanda as soon as it was all over? In fact, he had bid her goodbye and promised a return right in front of them, before they had left the hotel in New York.
A darkness like no other descended on him all of a sudden. With it came sharp, teasing irony. 'Again I have forgotten my place,' he thought ruefully and glanced towards the forest again. 'How right they are! I am not here to win Irulan back. It is not my place to embrace her and kiss her and to hold her to myself.'
"Russel!" hissed Anne just then and he heard it behind the curtain of his own terrible wail of defeat.
"That's what he SAID," Russel responded stubbornly. Legolas didn't look up and merely tried to breathe. The darkness closed further and further on him. He was not a part of Irulan's life anymore. He had no right to dash to her and announce his undying love. It was over between them. So what the hell was he doing here? "If he has some other motive, I want to know it," Russel added.
Legolas looked up. The rage was replaced by a complete unreadable blankness and somehow that was even more frightening. A long silence issued between the two men. 'Yes, there is another motive,' his spirit yelled. 'I love her! I love her! I love her! I want her back! I am here to reclaim her!' Empty words. Empty threats. He had turned his back to her and she had turned hers in return. Legolas had no place in her life anymore. 'Is this the moment I step aside and let another take her?' he thought. He could not bring himself to do that. And yet, he could not allow himself to be hurled head over heels into another losing battle.
How long time passed as the birds twittered in the background and the horses panted, he didn't know. He stood and stood, hope slowly flowing away from him. He had known this from the very beginning, didn't he? He had known it and still he had entertained himself with the fantasy of her acceptance. The truth was, she had said goodbye and that was all there was to it. He placed his forehead on the mane of the horse and hoped that they would take this as a sign of acceptance, for he would never find it in his heart to speak out the words.
They did.
He heard Russel asking Mona where Irulan was, and then the crunching of the drying grass as he walked away. Stillness prevailed after that and it fit the emptiness in his heart perfectly. He had done his duty and found her safe and sound. Now he could be dismissed. He felt Haldir's hand on his shoulder and shrugged it away. The elf stayed another moment in hesitation, then said "My Lord, please! I merely offered for Russel to take the first blow."
The surprise and the desperation in the Marchwarden's smile forced a rueful smile to his own lips. Still he didn't meet Haldir's eyes, but inspected the grey flakes on the horse's mane. "My mind clouded for a moment," he said hoarsely and only the gods knew how he managed to form words while a deep, dark vortex wailed like some wild banshee in him. "Thank you for reminding me my place."
Haldir felt a surge of panic. This was definitely not the direction things were supposed to proceed! He shared a horrified glance with Anne. "You can't mean to say…" he began, dumbfounded.
"I came to find her." The Lothlorien elf was cut off with determination and if he didn't know better, he could say that there was a slight tremble to Legolas' voice. "And so I have."
"But…"
"Please leave me," Legolas managed. A long silence and nobody moved. "Please go," he whispered in desperation. He had not cried in millennia and if the urge was to become too strong to fight, he would not want it to happen in front of this company.
"Legolas," Anne whispered back with a tinge of sorrow but the elf only shook his head and kept only eye contact with his horse.
The terrible defeat and sadness that leaked from him was too much to bear and it was that more than anything else that finally made Anne walk in the direction that Russel had disappeared to. Haldir hesitated still, torn between begging for forgiveness and granting his friend his wish of solitude. Finally he exhaled deeply, clenched his jaws and with a last prayer to the gods that this action was perhaps for the better for now, silently glided out of sight.
Again silence. "You too, Jiang-qing," Legolas said without turning.
"Shall I take care of the horses, my lord?"
"I'll do that," he said quietly. It would give him something to do. Other than remain a broken ruin, that is.
Mona nodded to his back and made as if to withdraw. Then halted and turned. "Would you take a look at Irulan's fractured rib, then?" she said, her voice gentle but other than that, expressionless. She saw his shoulders stiffening for a moment and the hand that was caressing the animal's mane faltered. Then, seconds later he continued the action in silence. "I am not as good a healer as you are, my lord," Mona added slowly.
"I will take care of that," he said then, almost dismissively. Mona, thinking that this was as much as a reaction she would squeeze out from him, nodded again and glided into the foliage, leaving the elf alone.
Irulan waited and waited. She shivered, trembled, coughed and waited some more. Perhaps it was the wrong thing to do. Maybe Mona, who had disappeared into the bushes a while ago, was not coming back and she was left alone in the middle of…nowhere. Should she get up and at least try to hide? It seemed a futile idea, but it was better than giving up and waiting here like some sheep ready to be sacrificed.
So she rose on her shaking legs, took a deep breath to still her heart and glanced around to decide which direction offered more bushes to hide behind. And without giving herself the time to think further on the issue, she stepped away. The forest was not too thick and that was good when you had a stroll in mind. Unfortunately it was a bit of a disadvantage if you were planning to hide from people who had ill intentions towards you. She walked on wobbling legs, supporting herself on the broad trunks of trees. She didn't hurry and neither did she try to hide as she had planned to. It seemed more stupid with every step. Right then a nasty cough shook her and she stopped, leaning on a tree and waiting for the fit to pass.
'I should have never come,' she thought to herself, feeling miserable and sick. The blanket threatened to slide from her shoulders so she pulled it up, swallowing the bile down. 'Anne and Russel were right. Who am I to think that rural China is my league? I am a stupid, inexperienced city woman.' The thought was embarrassing and painful because it was true to the core. She had imagined such a lovely journey! She had imagined finding Baeron's house and walking in its dusty silence, savoring memories of her friend. To her irritation, her eyes became wet again. 'Just what I need now!' she thought, beginning to feel a prickling sense of hate and disgust about her own weakness.
The forest was silent and tranquil around her. 'I wonder which direction it is,' she thought then, pulling herself up to lean entirely against the trunk, her back towards the camp. 'Maybe I can just walk and walk and…' A wry smile curled her lips. 'I will die and maybe Legolas will never find out. He will look for me. Maybe. Or maybe he will stuff the very memory of me away, along with so many unpleasant ones he has accumulated over the years and…move on.' She felt the wetness on her cheek gliding down. 'I am sick and sentimental, that's all,' she told herself. If there was only a way to apologize and embrace him one last time…
It was just then that she heard the rustle behind her. She tried not to jump, but she flinched a little anyway. 'This is it,' Irulan thought. It was a strange sensation – there was fear but also…relief? At the end of the road – no matter how much she wanted to go on – she sensed that she was tired of running and being afraid. She took a deep breath and leaned her forehead on the rough bark of the tree. Then a moment later, she turned and faced her killer.
Later she would look back at the moment and realize that perhaps never in her life had she felt such exhilarating surprise and such incredible happiness, stuffed into mere moments. Her mind froze for an instant and forgot about qualms such as how this could not be real, how it was an illusion, a cruel joke. Maybe she was really, really sick and hallucinating somewhere while Mona was wiping her forehead with a cool cloth. Maybe even Mona was an illusion and she was dying at the bank of the river. It meant nothing to Irulan at the moment.
"Irulan," Russel said just then and she couldn't remember if she had heard anything more beautiful. Her name spoken by him, by someone so welcome and dear to her, was like salvation. She remained, confused but feeling nothing other than bliss about that confusion. A long moment passed and Russel took a step towards her. His eyes held the expected care and worry, but also deep affection. He quickly scanned her with his looks from top to bottom and back and Irulan remained, clutching the bark with one hand and her blanket with the other, shivering from both the cold and the incredible joy in her heart. Finally they locked eyes again and he pursed his lips before he said slowly "Say something."
Emotions of safety washed through her mind, dizzying her. Everything would be all right. Everything WAS all right. Her friend was here and though she had no clue how that could be, it meant the world to her. She breathed a few more times to clear her head, then tried a smile. It felt awkward on her lips but she managed despite the odds. "What took you so long, you buffoon?"
Russel hesitated only a moment, trying to register this least possible answer of all, then swung himself at her and barely seconds later she was tangled in a suffocating embrace. She cried out with both surprise and the pain that shot through her ribs, but either Russel didn't hear, or he didn't care because he didn't soften his grip. They banged into the bark and another protest of pain was torn from her lips. "Ouch! Not so…"
"You stupid woman!" he cut her off with a yell. "You stupid, stupid woman!"
She had to laugh at that, no matter how strange the situation was and he hastily held her at arm's length, then shook her, as if trying to shake some sense into her. "Russel! Stop…"
Too late. Another embrace followed and Irulan this time only gasped from the sizzling fire that spread through her midsection. She thought deftly how strange it was for Russel to show this much emotion. He was not very comfortable with this sort of thing, but at the moment seemed perfectly careless about such sentimentalism. "Damn, I swear if I wasn't so glad to see you right now, I would beat the shit out of you!"
She chuckled again, dangling from his arms like a doll. A long moment later he pulled back and released her. His hand cupped her cheek and the crease of worry was on his forehead again. 'Who needs a father and a mother when I have Russel and Anne?' she sighed inwardly. "Are you all right now?"
"I was well before you crushed my already fractured rib," she snorted, grinning like a fool.
He almost pushed her off hastily, then on second thought grabbed her arm again. "Damn! Why didn't you say something, woman?!"
"I tried to," Irulan began meekly but was cut off by another rustle behind him.
They both turned in that direction and she heard him say "Here she comes!" with some sort of a moan.
When Anne appeared, cursing about thorns and bushes under her breath, it was somehow not surprising at all – although it should be. Considering that she was in China and all. But Irulan registered the meaning of Russel's remark as soon as their eyes met and the other woman dashed forward, obviously meaning to repeat the deadly embracing act. She flinched despite herself and could not help a breath of relief when Russel stepped between them and held off the mad ball that was Anne. "Russel, let me through! Are you mad?!"
"She is injured," he groaned and doubled his efforts to thwart her off.
It took some moments for that information to sink in and Anne stilled. Right after that, though, she tried –this time harder- to battle her way around him to reach Irulan. "Oh my God! Let me THROUGH!"
"I'm fine, Anne!" Irulan said with a soft smile, shaking her head. Again, she chuckled and wondered how it could feel so normal when she was at the moment experiencing something rather unnatural or miraculous. "But be easy with the embrace for God's sake!"
The blonde woman smacked Russel's head just then and gave the baffled man a withered look before she inched around him and found Irulan's arm. "You stupid woman!" she seethed then, right before she threw her arms around Irulan's neck and gave her a mighty hug. Russel groaned with disbelief and Irulan barely held down another protest of pain.
"Anne, I mean it! It HURTS!"
"All right, all right!" was the hasty response before Anne pushed herself off. A tight smile was on her lips and she seemed very tired. Also a bit disheveled. That state just confirmed the fact that she WAS here, in China and that she had made this long trip just to find Irulan. Irulan glanced at Russel over Anne's shoulder and noticed the same signs of tiredness in him. 'I should be angry right now,' she thought, but her grin spread only wider. 'I can be angry later,' she added then mentally and, for now, let it go.
"I can't believe you are here!" she said softly and grasped Anne's hand, who squeezed hers in return.
"Neither can I," Anne whispered almost slyly.
"What on earth are you DOING here?!"
"We came after you," Russel sighed, looking a bit wary now. Irulan just gave him a blank look and he added with a graver voice "Sorry."
Irulan looked from one friend to the other. "You came after me?" she repeated, dumbfounded. "But why?"
Anne didn't look like she meant to steal's Russel's spotlight so he took another deep breath and forced himself to continue. "Because..." How to say that this had all been Anne's devious scheme to send Irulan and Legolas into each other's arms? How to say that he had never really supported that thought and that, in the last couple of days he had spent in the elf's company, he had grown even more ill-favored of it? And how to say being plastered against the wall by Legolas and being treated rather hostile by him was the main reason for this – not his lack of belief that Legolas did, indeed, love her? "Because –and I apologize in advance, cause I know it sounds stupid and selfish- we were worried for you. You left so..." He shrugged his shoulders, suddenly feeling out of place and rather deep in trouble.
It was surprising to see that the expected anger didn't wash into her gaze. The Irulan he knew would have been fuming right now. But maybe, he thought, too much had happened in between for her to be angry at the moment. Irulan took a ragged breath and adjusted the blanket on her shoulders again.
"Legolas was so ill," Anne intervened just then, "that we were worried for him. So we thought...I mean...he would feel better if he had something to do with himself."
"Legolas?" was the baffled question and a strange spark passed through Irulan's brown eyes.
"Yes," Anne added, gaining ground, "he was really in bad shape, Irulan. Isn't that true, Russel?" She gave Russel a short glance and continued without waiting for a reply. "I was really sure he would die or something." Anne winced when Irulan's eyes widened with panic. She was exaggerating too much, now. "So we asked him to find you." Irulan looked even more confused now - she just stared at Anne, open-mouthed. "It gave him something to do, you see. He seemed so lost and all. And," was the more pleasant addition, "not surprisingly, he did it with enthusiasm."
"Legolas is HERE?"
Anne nodded and grasped Irulan's hand. "He came all the way to find you."
A short silence issued as the other woman tried to absorb these mind-blowing facts. "Is he still ill?" she said suddenly, evident fear in her tone.
"He is...better," Anne replied, hesitating just enough to make it sound dubious.
"Oh dear," Irulan mumbled then, as if speaking to herself. Then again "Oh dear," and instinctively reached out for the tree trunk to steady herself. Her knees had begun to shake again and she felt dizzy once more. Legolas was here! Here! She had so wished to see him! To speak to him one last time and tell him that she was madly in love with him and that yes, she had been jealous of Amanda and yes, she wanted to be with him, no matter what. That she had made the worst mistake of her life by letting him go in the first place. It was a blissful, yet shocking news to find out that her wish had been granted.
"Haldir said," Anne added hastily, seeing her advantage now and ignoring Russel's fiery and disapproving gaze, "that the Bond between you was severed. And that Legolas was ill because of that."
Irulan's head snapped up again and this time she wasn't concealing her fear. A long moment passed as she stared into Anne's green eyes. "It was my fault," she whispered finally and felt only dizzier for it.
"No! I mean yes...but he is better now, Irulan. He really is. Why don't you go and see him yourself?"
She swallowed and glanced at Russel who merely stood, his lips pursed. "Haldir is here, too," was all the man said. Irulan only nodded to that. For some strange reason, she had expected that. And it was only a minor surprise compared to the fact that she had caused some serious injury to the only man she had ever really loved. She swallowed again and felt her face heat up with shame and regret. "Make no mistake, Irulan," Russel seethed then and she looked up to find him right before her, looming above her. The urgency in his expression forced her to shake herself out of the reverie. "He only came to find you. He will return to her."
And that was probably the worst news of it all. There was no doubt about who 'her' was and what this 'return' meant. It was exactly as she had expected it to be – Legolas was with Amanda now. 'I thought that was what you wanted,' rasped a voice in her head as the blade sunk deeper and deeper into her heart. 'I thought so, too,' she replied silently. 'God forgive me for that.'
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?!"
Anne's furious outcry made her blink and look up. Russel still held his ground and hadn't turned to acknowledge the other woman. He spoke to her, but fixed Irulan instead. "Enough Anne! You know it's true."
"There is nothing going on between..."
"You think you know everything," Russel conceded, slowly turning to fix the blonde woman. Damn, she looked absolutely fabulous when angry, but he had more important things to focus on now. Such as the well being of his friend. "But you don't know shit. Maybe you don't remember, but I do – he kissed her goodbye and said that he would return to her before we got into the cab in New York. And that's the truth of it."
Anne's face was crimson with fury and for a moment Irulan thought she would punch Russel straight in the face with those shaking fists. "It's all right," Irulan heard herself saying. "I...know that."
"It's not true, Irulan!"
She gave Anne a tired smile. 'You have no idea how much it hurts, Anne. You have no idea,' she thought to herself. 'Please, don't push any further.' Out loud she said "Please, don't lie." It sounded so broken and defeated that even Anne, who was impossible to shut up in times like this hesitated with a reply and only glared at Russel with a promise of slaughter.
"But he loves YOU!"
"And I him," Irulan sighed, gazing into the forest. She was surprised to say it so openly and especially in front of Russel, but the surrealism of the situation made her feel careless. And what did it matter now, anyway? A chance gone was a chance wasted. "Sometimes, that doesn't matter at all."
Did she believe that last part? Not entirely. Not from the heart. But it was the way the world worked and if she believed in one thing, it was the fact that there was a justice to it all. She had pushed Legolas away. She had refused him. She should be the last person saddened by the news of another, who had opened her arms to him. She should be the last person to object or feel anything but deserved punishment. 'Thank God I am not immortal,' she thought, out of nowhere. 'How can one live with a regret and guilt like this till the ends of time?'
Then she found herself walking towards the direction of the camp. A promise hung at her heart, weighing it down. A promise to ask for forgiveness and to be, for a change, the person to be refused. She felt sick to the bone and weak as a baby. But the disadvantages only heightened her sense of justice and the promised punishment felt, as strange as it might sound, sweet as a summer's day.
By the time Legolas heard and felt her behind her, he had calmed down and cut away his pain and anger. Though not his heart, his head had finally made a decision and the flat, dissatisfied taste of it didn't necessarily mean that it was the wrong one. It would be foolish to think that all his previous decisions in this matter had been right, to begin with. If this was another mistake on the road, it only fit the grander picture. But there was also the chance –and not a slight one, at that- of this finally being his first right decision in the matter of Irulan.
The very day he had walked into the meeting room in his home in England to offer a test of seduction, he had set foot on a path that was doomed to be wrong. The journey, after having wound itself through Italy, France, Germany, Austria, Egypt and finally had ended once again in England, was the outcome of all that one mistake. And along the way, he had managed to make many and graver ones as well. Now, in a different land as far away from all that battle as could be, he had a chance of changing the way of things.
A refusal was a refusal and the gods knew that Irulan had refused him too many times to leave any room for misunderstandings. He took a shallow breath and tried to prepare himself for the avalanche of a meeting as soon as he turned to face her. The months following their parting dwindled into his mind, then. How could he forget the self-confidence he had felt in the beginning of the chase! He had been so sure of himself, so certain that the love between them, together with time, would eventually wash away all the little and unimportant things that were keeping them apart! And then…day by day, week by week this unscathed confidence had turned into doubt, and after that a sense of doom as the weeks had turned into long months and Irulan had still not shown a hint of giving in to his charms. It was fun to hunt her, at first. He was, after all, and always would be a hunter at heart. It had been stimulating and intoxicating to seek her out, to baffle her, to leave her speechless and at times even a bit embarrassed at his flattery and flirting. But as she slipped further and further away into the thick foliage of New York, and managed to escape every trap he had set for her, the fun of the hunt had worn out. He had never shown his frustration to her, of course. To Irulan, he would always wear the mask of perfect confidence and iron determination. Neither had he dared to accept the possible defeat blazing in the horizon. But gone was the exhilaration and the cocky confidence of being able to seduce any woman he would set his mind to.
Her rejections were not motivating anymore, but rather grim defeats that seemed to flock to him more and more each day. "I shall win her over, still," he had thought, lying in his bed, staring at the ceiling and recalling the short time he had spent with Irulan. "She will forgive me. She HAS forgiven me. She will give me another chance. Maybe tomorrow. Or next week. Certainly by next month." He had smiled with that self-imposed assertion. "Then I shall kiss her until her taste is all I have on my lips for days and days," he had mused. Such a prize was too tempting to turn his back to, so he had continued, against all odds.
No need to say that he had failed.
And he had also proved her point – that he was incapable of changing, incapable of stepping back, bowing with respect and waiting for HER to make her decision. That he was a slave to his emotions and nowhere near the mature person he was supposed to be. 'She has been right from the very beginning,' he thought now, smiling a deft smile, 'I am not worthy of an affair with her.' He had failed her, disappointed her and finally lost her. It was all his doing. His alone. What held once a possible hope between them was tattered and lost now. Legolas, with his iron palm, had set fingers on it and had crushed it dead.
After all the wrongs, he would do at least one single, weak right. He would do what she had asked of him. He would fulfill her wish, even if it meant torture to him. Irulan deserved that much and far more. If not for love, she deserved it as an apology, as a repayment of what he had taken from her, as a small token of gratitude of what she had given him.
She was waiting, he knew this. His pulse sped up just at the thought of it and he could do nothing to calm it back down. She was waiting for him to turn around and repeat the things he had been forcing her to witness over and over again. But perhaps for the last time, he would disappoint her – though it would be a disappointment for the better. 'Legolas is dead,' he thought as he released the saddle to the ground and slowly turned to face her, 'Long live Legolas.'
Was it fair that she looked absolutely stunning? Was it fair that his whole body sung with excitement and longing when he set eyes on her? What kind of mercy did gods have if they had placed them across each other on this chessboard of life, on black and white as enemies? And how was he supposed to remain standing here like a fool and pretend he didn't see how weak she looked and how pale her face was? Irulan smiled then and for a terrible moment he thought his body would break out of his control and run to her anyway. He was astonished to find himself still rooted to the spot.
She took a step forward and his mind reeled, his heart thumped and soul ached as he tried to understand her expression. Was she still angry at him as everyone else seemed to think? No – Irulan's anger was an unhidden, solid thing and no trace of that was in her face today. Was she disappointed perhaps that he had done –again- what she had urged him not to do – that he had come after her? If she was, it was not visible, either.
She swayed with indecision, halting at the brink of an abyss she could not fathom. He waited with her. Wanting her more than anything he had ever laid eyes on in all the world. And reduced by her beatings into a cripple that could not reach out and claim his wish. "I hoped that you would come, Legolas," she said finally and took another awkward step towards him. She clung to the blanket as if it meant her dear life and searched his eyes.
Legolas swallowed softly and willed his face to be unreadable. Why was it so damn hard? The only way leading out of his misery seemed to be anger and he flung himself at it. Without much success. "At least this rare time I seem to be no unwelcome surprise." He locked eyes with her confused stare. Again, that terrible look on her face. The look of disappointment. And such sadness. The urge to wipe if off was incredible and still Legolas hung on, tethering at the edge of the same dark chasm. "I am glad, Irulan." His voice was solemn and without emotion. Just as it was supposed to be.
Irulan felt like a solid slap landed on her cheek and it began to burn with color. 'He is still angry with me!' echoed a thought in her head. How foolish it had been to imagine that simply by calling to apologize or simply by walking out for a friendly greeting, she was capable of erasing the wounds she had managed to inflict him with! The color of shame spread further on her cheeks and her heart. "Thank you for coming," she whispered a long moment later, careful not to choke on the words.
Legolas opened his mouth and thankfully the words spilled out of their own accord. "You're welcome."
She cast her eyes down for the moment and had to use all her determination to glance back up at him. "There is...a lot I need to tell you," she said quietly. How wrong it sounded! How terribly wrong! These words were meant to be delivered in between embraces and kisses - between tears of joy and a swelling heart. Not like this. Never like this. "So many apologies to be made," she mumbled. Her heart was hurting so damn bad! She took a deep breath and remembered the promise she had made to herself on the train. This was not the time to be vain and Irulan had long lost the right to be proud. "I am sorry. For everything. For everything and more." His unreadable face was a knife in her heart, sunk too deep to be drawn out. "Legolas, please..."
"It is all right," he whispered then. This torture was eating at his heart and it was unbearable to say the least.
Unfortunately Irulan had no intentions of letting go. "Do you forgive me?"
He forced down the eager reply of 'Of course I do' and looked her in the eye for a long moment, instead. To his further pain, she began to cry then, silent and desperate. She wrapped herself further into the blanket and stood there, biting down the whimpers and wiping without success at the tears that glided down her cheeks. 'Oh gods!' he thought, his heart literally aching with solid, physical pain, 'I was not made to endure this!' Against better advice, he stepped forwards and walked to stand before her. 'She has been through hell!' he consoled himself. 'She is in pain! Nobody should expect me to be insensitive to that!' So he looked down at her, hesitated for a moment, then said softly "Please don't cry." He laid a hand on her shoulder as a soothing gesture "Everything will be all right."
Her reaction to that was definitely unexpected. Irulan threw her arms around his neck and embraced him so fiercely that momentarily he lost his balance and had to take a step back to regain it. The blanket dropped from her shoulders and pooled around them as Legolas involuntarily held her waist. He felt the wetness of her tears on his neck and her muffled sobs continue as she remained locked to him. Too baffled to move or speak, he remained, hanging for dear life to the image he was trying to convey. He opened his mouth to say something, then closed it before something wrong stole out. Thankfully she spoke and took the choice from him. "Legolas! I am really, really, REALLY sorry! I am such a bitch! A terrible, terrible person! I came out here, hating you and hating myself and hating everyone and then…I am so sorry! I was so unfair to you!" He listened dumbfounded as she continued, her voice shaking, her warmth cradled in his neck.
"Irulan," he finally managed as a whisper and fell silent again. His other hand cradled around her waist, too and he gingerly held her, closing his eyes. 'Maybe finally I DID make the right decision,' he thought then, dimly as she continued her apology and crying. And maybe it had been a wise move to send in Russel first. The thought made him look up, but there was no sign of the rest of the company. Relieved somewhat he turned his attention back to her and after a brief hesitation lifted his hand to caress her hair.
She sniffed and cried some more, then pulled back a little to look up at him. Even like this – her face puffy from the crying and looking worn out and tired, she was gorgeous to him. But having found more proof that his new attitude was the right one, Legolas kept himself from being distracted by that beauty and merely gazed down at her.
Irulan wiped her cheeks with the back of her hand. She was both relieved and highly disturbed by his behavior. Never before had Legolas kept her at arm's length. He was the one who would eliminate all distance between them at the first given chance. Now, though, all he seemed willing to give was a light embrace. She took a deep, shaky breath trying to drown the desperation that came with that. It was, after all, expected. And hadn't Russel said that he meant to return to Amanda? The idea was like a spark in her heart and she hastily snatched her hands back from his neck. She glanced up him again and felt her heart fill in with a different pain. Legolas was beyond her reach now. He was lost to her. Amanda would have him and Irulan had lost the chance of her life, period.
Her head dropped to her chest as fresh tears built up in her eyes. She felt his hands on her shoulders and it only seemed to make it worse. This was not how she wanted to be held! This was not how she wanted to be soothed. "It is all right," he whispered again, trying to make eye contact. She avoided it, afraid that it would break the last resolve in her. "Let it go. I…WE are here now. Nobody can hurt you, Irulan."
She shook her head, feeling so very, very small. How to tell him that she didn't care about anybody or any kind of pain inflicted to her by others? How to tell him that she didn't care for the rest of the company either? How to tell him that all that mattered was HIS presence and that HIS attitude was hurting her more than anything she could describe? She bit her lip and tried to choke it all down.
Legolas embraced her again then, lightly as before –not in the crushing manner he used to do before- and gently pressed her to his chest. Something that Russel would do. It hurt even more than his words but it was all she had left, so she accepted it with the shame and regret she would accept any small kindness on his behalf. She clutched at his outer jacket and gave in to the circles he was drawing on her back. The pain became something monstrous and horrible and it shot roots, eager to dwell inside for a long time. No more fire and flame, but a terrible shadow of emptiness engulfed her. She longed to fill the vacuum and wondered for the briefest moment if her confession of love would do that. But alas, Legolas was hurt and pained due to her deeds from the former months. Also, he was to return to Amanda. No, it was not the wisest thing to say now that she loved him and always would.
So she remained in his embrace and suffered blow after blow on her pride and heart. He held her and soothed her and it felt good – but not as good as it used to. Mingled with relief was the little, sharp ache that came from the knowledge that more passionate and intimate embraces were Amanda's to have from this day on.
Haldir and Mona watched Russel and Anne dive into the trees. A long time seemed to pass and Haldir spent it like he had spent the last few hours. To be honest, the last few days: by contemplating what to say to Mona. And he STILL had no answer to that. He threw her a sidelong glance and unfortunately Mona caught it, fixing his eyes with hers. As always, it unsettled him greatly. "Well met, Jiang-qing," he managed finally. He knew that his features spoke none of his anxiety, but he also knew that this meant little to her.
"Well met, Marchwarden," she said with the same tone, slightly inclining her head.
She looked away then and Haldir wondered –not for the first time- if it was worse to be ignored or to be pinned down by her eyes. He took a deep breath, trying to clear his mind. As much as he had tried to avoid it, the events had washed them onto the same shore, once more. Here he was, with Jiang-qing standing beside him like so many, many other times and though the world changed and continents moved and stars died out in the sky, nothing seemed to have changed in this matter. Still, he felt both angry and guilty and still he felt like both too old and too young.
"You have done us a great favor. King-daughter is precious for us in many ways," he said finally, simply to say anything and break the tense silence.
Mona nodded once, but refused to look back at him. He wondered if he was lucky and if she had softened a bit towards him, but the next moment he knew that he was nowhere that lucky. "I did it for Lord Legolas," was the clear but expressionless answer.
Haldir barely kept himself from pursing his lips. That would not do. Not at all. He, too, gazed into the woods and thought how foolish they must look at the moment. "I didn't call, because I wanted Lord Legolas to make a decision in the matter," he said with the lame, slightly bored tone. It occurred to him then that Mona hadn't asked for an explanation. He stole a sidelong glance and indeed, she was looking at him.
"Of course," was all she said. But there was accusation in the tone. Or maybe after so many tense years, he thought there was. In any case, it woke the fire of desperation in him and he turned to face her fully.
"I was not even sure whether or not you were still in China."
Mona sighed then and shook her head with a grim, half-amused smile. It was a lie – if not a direct one. Haldir always knew where Mona was – he made a point of knowing that. But he also tried to do this as few times as possible so that he could convince himself that he really didn't care. She looked at him again, in a measuring way and all he could do was to look as indifferent as possible. "I have been here ever since Czechoslovakia a year ago."
This time he knew that he didn't look half as indifferent as he wished. "I came to see you."
"I know," she said simply and shrugged, gazing at the distance again.
Her calmness sparked that peculiar anger in him once more. "And you refused to see me."
Mona said nothing for a while and Haldir spoke a mantra of 'Don't let her see that it mattered, that it hurt.' Finally she turned to him and locked those terrible dark eyes on his. There was anger in there simmering, all right. Anger and hurt. He seemed to have woken that part of her once more. "Does it surprise you, Marchwarden, that I can refuse you now?"
As always, the use of his title. As always, the sharp blade of her tongue. He was cursed the moment this woman was conceived, of that he was certain. "Unfortunately, it does not surprise me at all," he said quietly. He had meant it to be sharp, but it sounded sad and broken. A silence stretched between them and standing aside, they saw Irulan slowly walk out from the woods, heading towards where Legolas would be. Haldir thought of going to her and embracing her, checking on her wounds, but her demeanor told him that this would be a bad timing. So he watched her in silence and let the minutes slip by before he added "I am glad to see you, now, though. It has been a long time."
"Not long enough, by far, for me," was the cold reply before Mona turned and walked away. He exhaled a frustrated breath. Why, oh why on earth, of all the places to go, did Irulan choose to come to CHINA?
He sighed again and tried to quench the emptiness in him. He had done the right thing. He had. He ignored the amused question mark that rose in his soul in the face of that thought. Given the circumstances, what should he have done? He felt tired and old and the gods knew that he didn't like that particular feeling at all. He glanced at the swaying trees, seeking comfort – even the slightest hint of it. But he found none. Not surprisingly, Mona's dark eyes had managed to kill all else other than the peculiar feeling of doubt and guilt in him. She had a gift for that, that much was certain. For taking a right decision and making it look so very, very wrong.