Chapter three - Complicated.

How can you see into my eyes like open doors?

Leading you down into my core. Where I've become so numb.

It's Friday morning, I haven't slept at all tonight. I tried and I tried but I just couldn't fall asleep. Must have been because I know that I'm meeting Ginny today before I'm off to work. There's a strange feeling in my stomach today, I think it's because I'm nervous or even scared of what Ginny will answer to all my questions… Or maybe I'm scared because she might bring me down completely with painful memories from my past. I have mixed emotions about this meeting with the Weasley girl. I don't want to talk to her ever again; I want to forget her face. Erase that I've ever met her from my memory. But still, I want those answers so badly.

I try to relax; it's more than two hours left until I'm going to meet her. The couple in the flat above mine is fighting as usual, he is shouting at her, nasty and evil things, she's crying. I can hear it clearly. They start throwing things, everything is just as usual. I like listening to them fighting it keeps my mind of everything else that bothers me. I feel my eyelids getting heavier, I struggle to keep them open but I can't fight it much longer. I drift into sleep.

I'm running. He is haunting me again; he calls my name over and over again. I can tell he is very angry. I leave the road and I run into the forest instead. Bare branches hit my face and body, it hurts, but I keep running. He's getting closer; I can almost feel him breathe in my neck.

I run faster and faster. My legs are taking me to an unknown destination.

I see a dim light somewhere not so far away, as I get closer I see that it's a man, a priest, carrying a torch. Behind him there's line of persons that I know from Hogwarts. There's Pansy beside Blaise Zabini, and behind them I can see Crabbe and Goyle. Millicent Bullstrode and other familiar faces are in that line. They all look pale. Pansy is crying. What are they doing? Why are they following a priest?

I forget that he is after me as I hide in the bushes to watch what they're doing. I see them walking towards a big stone… It's a gravestone. I sneak in the bushes so that I get closer to where they're now standing. I'm so close that I can read what it says on the gravestone.

Draco Lucius Malfoy

June 04, 1980 -

It's my funeral, but why? I'm not dead, then I realize that there's no date of death on the stone. Maybe they just think I'm dead because I've been gone for so long? I want to step out of the bushes I want to show that I'm alive. That they don't have to mourn.

I rise and I feel someone's hands closing around my neck.

"Did you notice that there's no date of death on the stone?" A familiar voice whispers in my ear.

I can't answer, he is suffocating me. Desperately I'm grasping for air but the more I fight to get air the harder he presses his hands around my neck. I can't breath.

"It's because I haven't killed you yet", Voldemort exclaims and laughs out loud. I'm surprised that Pansy or someone else doesn't hear him. He's laughing so loud, it echoes in my mind and he is still holding a firm grip around my neck with his cold, pale hands. It hurts so much, like if his hands are made of steel.

Slowly I feel the little spark of life left inside of my die. My feet, legs, hands and arms going numb… and suddenly I don't feel at all. My heart is still beating, slowly and unsteady and I'm awake. I can see everything around my so clearly but I feel dead. It's obvious that he drags this on to see me suffer. He enjoys it, I can tell he does and I can't even see his face.

"I've always wondered what it would be like to kill someone the 'muggle way'", he says. "It feels better then I thought to use my own hands to slowly squeeze the life out of someone"

I see a light in front of my eyes, it shines so bright. I'm running again, through a long tunnel but suddenly I hear someone call my name. I stop and turn around. A woman is standing at the dark side of the tunnel, she's calling my name and she's claiming that she can help me.

I look at the light, it's so tempting, it makes me calm to just look at the light. I can only imagine what it must be like to run through it. Then I look at the woman again, there's something about her voice, it makes me shiver. She reaches out her hand, "Come to me Draco, I'll stay with you forever", she whispers.

Light. Woman. Light. Woman.

I can't make up my mind. Pain starts to burn inside of me, it's that kind of unbearable pain that makes me want to break things. Now the light is calling my name and then the woman calls for me again. I can almost feel my body split in two.

"STOP IT!" I scream out loud. "STOP IT! I don't want to choose!"

"Draco, I'll never leave your side", the woman calls.

"Draco, come and you'll never have to feel pain again"

"Please, I don't… I can't choose", I whisper very quietly before I fall down to my knees. I burry my head in my hands and I can't stop the tears from running down my cheeks. The woman grabs my arms and pulls me up to my feet.

"Come with me", she says. I can't see her face, I want to see her face. There's something familiar about the way she touches me hand. The words, "Never leave you", echoes in my mind, she makes me feel safe and loved by just holding my hand. I'm just about to follow the woman back to where I came from when a wave of dazzling light sweeps me away from her.

"No!" I scream as the way sweeps me further and further away from her. "Help me! Somebody, help me!" I shout but the light is taking me away from her.

"Die", Voldemort mutters angrily as he squeezes the last piece of life out of my body.

I wake up and sit up straight in the bed. I'm sweaty and cold at the same time. My neck is sore like if someone really had tried to strangle me. I look at the watch… I'm late for my meeting with Ginny. Quickly I get up from the bed and I try not to think about the dream I just had. I put on the most clean shirt I can find in the room and a pair of shoes that's standing beside my bed. On my way out I grab a jacket.

As I lock the door behind me I hear a female voice behind me, "I heard you scream for help, are you alright?"

I turn around quickly; it's the woman from the flat above. She's got a black eye. Her husband must have beaten her up, again. "I'm fine", I reply before I turn my back against her and hurry down the stairs.

I'm hurrying down the streets of New York towards the River Café and as I'm running I can't help but being reminded of my dream. It wasn't like any other dream I've had before. Normally when Voldemort kills me in my dreams I just die and then I wake up. But this time I had a choice between to live or to die. It was either fall for the temptation of the light or fight my way back to life, back to the woman who wanted to help me.

I suppose I wasn't strong enough, so the wave of light took me and brought me to death. That light, I can't describe it, it was so strong, so powerful… I don't think I could've won over it no matter how hard I would have fought.

When I finally arrive to the café I look around to see that a woman with fiery red hair is sitting by the table which used to be my favourite table. Why is she doing this to me? I can't possibly sit by that table again it reminds me of my first meeting with her hear in New York, it reminds me of that day when I no longer could feel pleasure from pain.

I walk over to her; she's reading a book again.

"Why are you sitting here?" I ask her when I'm standing right in front of the table.

"Oh god, you scared me", she says and closes her book.

"I said; why are you sitting here?" I ask again. Nothing she does is right, everything she does she does to hurt me. She does it on purpose to break me. "I'm not going to sit here", I tell her.

"Sorry, but last week when we met here you said this was your favourite table and that you couldn't possibly sit anywhere else", she says and looks confused.

I don't say anything I just walk over and sit down by a table at the other side of the room. She looks at me like I'm the most stupid person she's ever met before she packs up her things and walks over to me.

"You are weird, do you know that?" She says.

"And you're wasting my time with your foolish games"

"What are you talking about? Foolish games? Draco I don't-"

I cut her off short, "It's Daniel… Daniel Matthews, nothing else", I tell her because I can't let her use my old name like that. Every time she says it's like she stabs a knife in my heart, it stings and it burns. The anger starts to boil inside me when I hear that name and it makes me want to scream that Draco Malfoy is dead.

He was a coward because he ran away that night five years ago, he was weak because he did not stay to fight for his family. He ran and he cried. Draco Malfoy was weak and that's why he no longer exists.

"Alright, Daniel…" She says and rolls her eyes. "Can we talk about why you so badly wanted to meet me here today? You're twenty minutes late by the way!"

Why did she have to point that out? I look out through the window next to me, I stare at the grey sky, it'll probably start raining any second now. Rain is perfect, I think to myself. I can walk home and cool down the angry emotions inside of me.

I can feel Ginny's eyes on me, I wish she could just stop looking at me. I wish she could just go away and leave me alone. I close my eyes and I pray that when I open them again she'll be gone… but she isn't. She is still sitting there, watching me with her innocent blue eyes.

"Are you alright?" She asks quietly. Her smooth voice makes me wake up from the trance I didn't even realize I was in. I turn my face towards her again and our eyes meet, a warm feeling goes through my entire body but it disappears again as I look away. She puts her hand on mine. Her touch is light like a feather and it has a strange effect on me. At the same time I want to tell her to never touch me again I don't want her to ever let go of my hand. "Do you want to talk about it?" She asks.

"Talk about what?" I ask before I pull my hand away to place it on my lap instead.

"What ever is bothering you…?"

"You're bothering me", I tell her and it's true, she is bothering me. I wish I could explain it but I really can't. She's so nice to me even though I'm not very nice to her, I can't understand why? I insult her when I really want to say thanks for meeting me here today. It's complicated. I am complicated. I'm like a book in a language that no one can understand, not even I sometimes and only a few people bothers to even try to read. I can tell that Ginny is trying to read me, I can tell by the look in her eyes when she's looking at me.

"I have some things I need to ask you about", I tell her quickly before she says anything else.

"Alright, you can always ask"

"I need answers, you have to give me my answers", I say angrily.

"Only if you will answer a couple of my questions", she says with a superior smirk on her face. "My first question is, why-"

"I'll go first", I exclaim, she annoys me so badly.

"Alright, but I won't answer anything that's too personal", she says and gives me a wink.

I roll my eyes, "What makes you think I'd want to know something about you?" I snap at her.

"I have school today, I start in 30 minutes and if there are some things you so badly want to know about ask me now and don't waste your time by insulting me!" She exclaims and glares at me with anger.

I remain silent, once again the anger starts to boil inside of me, she has no right to glare at me like that!

"Fine, then I'll just go", she says and gets up from her chair. She puts her jacket on before she grabs her bag that's on the floor beside her chair. Without looking at me she walks out from the café.

No one, I mean NO ONE, walks out on me. I decide to follow her and I rise so quickly that my chair falls to the floor. I notice that all the other guests are staring at me. "What the hell are you looking at?" I shout at them before I hurry outside.

It's raining now.

I see Ginny walking quickly down the street, I start running so that I can catch up with her and when I do I grab her arm to stop her.

"Why the hell did you walk out on me like that?" I yell at her.

I honestly have no idea why I'm yelling and why I'm holding her arm so hard.

"Let go of me!" She shouts and tries to break free from my grip. She hits me in the chest with her free arm, "What's your problem? Did you hear what I said? I said let go of me!"

She hits me one more time before I let go of her and I back away, shocked by my own behavior. The rain is pouring down like never before from the sky and I'm thankful because now she can't see the tear that is running down my cheek. I back away even further from her and I look down at the hand that recently held a steady grip around her arm, I want to see it bleed. I want to punish it because I never meant to hurt her, all I wanted was answers to the questions I just couldn't ask.

When I look up I see to my big surprise that she is still standing there, watching me.

I look down at my feet, ashamed of how I've treated her. She showed up at the meeting I set up even though all I've called her in the past, even though how I treated her and her family when we went to Hogwarts. She wanted to know how I was feeling and what was bothering me, she cared even though I insulted her. Another tear escapes from my eye as I turn and begin to walk away.

"Dra- I mean Daniel!" I hear her voice call from behind my back. "Daniel, wait!"

Daniel… I wonder why it sounds so wrong when she's the one who's speaking…

I stop in the middle of the sidewalk, soon I feel her hand on my shoulder and I turn around to face her. Her red hair looks darker when no that it's wet and her mascara is running down her cheeks. I can't help it but I reach out both of my hands to dry it away. Her cheeks are so soft.

"I need to get myself a waterproof one", she says and while watching my black finger tips.

I don't say a word. I don't want to say anything because I'm afraid that I will hurt her and I don't want that. I wonder what she would say if she found out about all the things I've been blaming her for lately. I have accused her for being the reason that I'm falling apart when I am the only one who should be blamed. When I look into her eyes I feel calm inside and I know that she doesn't want to hurt me.

For a week I've been walking around angry at someone who is really completely innocent. I built up a wall of hate towards her… why? Maybe it's because she's from my past that I'm trying hard not to think about? Or maybe it's because I needed someone but myself to hate for a change?

"I'm sorry if I just walked out on you like that, if you still want to talk we can go back", she says.

"No", I reply shortly. "You have to go and you have to forget that you've ever met me"

"What? I can't do that?" She tells me and looks heartbroken, like she wants to help me but she doesn't know what to say. "If you ever need to talk to me I can give you my phone number"

"No"

"My address?" She says. "So you can use floo powder to get to me?" She adds quickly.

"I don't use magic anymore", I tell her. "And I think it's best if we never meet again, please, don't tell anyone that you've met me. Just try to forget me!"

"But why…? They've been looking for you forever, they would be so happy-"

"Who?" I ask her. "Who've been looking for me?"

"Your friends… Pansy, Blaise, they've been in every paper I know of and they even appeared in muggle television to find you", she becomes silent for a while and looks down at her feet. "I think they've given up now though", she adds quietly and looks up at me again. "They'd be happy to know you're alive"

"Have you told anyone that you've met me?"

"No"

"Great, please don't tell anyone", I ask her, it's not like me to be begging like this but I can't go back to England now. Not ever. "Hope I didn't hurt you before, if I did… I'm sorry"

"It's ok, I'm fine… But I'm worried about you-"

She's worried about me? Why? She doesn't even know me and she is worried about me. This has gone way too far; I never should've arranged this meeting. I never should've started to talk to her in the first place; I should've calmly walked over to sit by another table alone.

"Don't waste your time being worried about me, forget about me like I'm going to forget about you", I tell her. "I don't ever want to see you again", I say and look into her sad eyes one last time before I turn and walk away from her. When I'm looking back over my shoulder I see her turn and walk away in the direction she was headed to before I stopped her.

The unbearable pain I've felt inside the past week is nothing compared to what I feel inside now. I feel empty and it's the worst feeling I know.

When I arrive to my apartment I don't bother to take of my soaking wet clothes off. I collapse on my knees on the floor beside my bed and I cry. The tears are streaming down my cheeks and I can't seem to make them stop. She's made me realize who I am... I'm not Daniel Matthews, he was just a character I made up to leave my past behind.

I am no one but the weak and cowardly Draco Malfoy, who long to die but is too afraid to kill himself.