Yes, yes, yes! I deserve all the ugly comments thrown in my way. Oh my God that was a LONG break! I know what you're thinking. "What now? God knows what happened this time!"
Simple – I was on vacation in Peru. Gorgeous country, amazing culture. I should be writing about Irulan and Legolas, alas, I was looking at the incredible architecture of the Incas and gazing at cloud-misted Machu-Pichu and sitting over desert dunes and walking through the dim Amazon jungle.
I know that everyone who was mad and angry at my absence was only so because they love the story and they have a right to be frustrated when it takes ages to update. I always chew my nails over stories like that, myself. So I take it as a compliment. But I will say it one last time – I WILL finish this story. And with more regular updates from now on, too, I hope.
I had tons of reviews by the time I returned to New York and each one was more motivating than the other. I will try to write back to everyone who offered an e-mail address, but I didn't want to do that and postpone another update just now.
The following chapter can be evaluated as an Interlude, I think. It is a resting place after a steep and wild climb and a necessary evil to sort some things out. There are other hills to climb yet, but it's good to sit and look back and try to get our breaths back.
Thank you again for hanging on.
Irulan woke up, somewhat confused. It took her a moment to realize that she was still in the forest and -she felt him draw her closer- with Legolas. It could have easily been a dream and she smiled with relief at the realization that it wasn't. But there HAD been a dream...
She sat up, wiping the hair from her face. The forest still sang around them and though it had been a joyful and exotic thing before, now it felt constricting. She watched the play of black and green around her and felt Legolas rising as well to sit behind her, his arms entwining her waist. "Are you well?" he sighed finally and kissed her nape.
Irulan pursed her lips and continued to look ahead for a few moments, trying to extract the remains of the dream that were fading away with speed. The only thing she could remember distinctively was slanted green eyes.
"Legolas…" she sighed and hesitated. He waited with her and she sensed his curiosity and slight alarm. Irulan bit her lip and glanced up and around her to stall what was to come. It was a demand and she didn't want to make demands. However, she had to. If there was any chance of survival for this friendship, for this love, for this mutual agreement... demands had to be made. She moved to sit around, facing him and when she locked eyes with him, he seemed to be ready for some serious talking. "You can never lie to me again."
He blinked, as if unsure whether to be offended or surprised. "I never lied to you," he said slowly, a certain caution in his tone.
Irulan pursed her lips. True enough, the role of a liar had, so far, been only hers. "You know what I mean," she said softly.
He nodded after a moment and she felt a weight lifting from her shoulders. He was not fighting her. Not trying to get his way. Not trying to beat her to his advantage. "I know what you mean," he said, almost in the same tone. His fingers brushed over hers before interlocking.
"I know that you are used to that," she said, "the thing that you do, I mean." A raised eyebrow was the reply. "I mean the...walking around the truth part. Or not mentioning it at all." His face was unreadable for a moment and Irulan took a deep breath, then continued. "You can't do that anymore. You can never do that to me again."
She waited. For what, she didn't know. It was the greatest ultimatum she had probably given to anyone. She knew that it was Legolas' second nature to be discreet and perhaps even a bit sly. She also knew that she could ask any other man to be honest with her and get an instant promise in return, but that this promise would mean nothing. Humans were so fickle! Give them a month, a year and they always forgot. Legolas would never forget. If he gave his word in anything, it was as good an oath as there ever was.
And maybe that's why it wasn't easy to give. He was silent for a long moment and Irulan thought that maybe she should feel offended in some way that he didn't immediately jump to swear honesty. She glanced at him. His face had the expression of someone who was calculating what exactly would fall into that category and what could be excluded. A bit annoyed, she tugged at his hand and he met her eyes. "It is easy to promise never to lie," he sighed then, placing his other hand on hers and caressing it in silence for a while. "It is easy to promise never to make such 'bets' behind your back, again. But what you ask...I don't know what it entails."
"It's rather obvious, I think," was her baffled reply.
To her amazement, he shook his head with gravity. "Do you have any idea what brutal honesty means?"
The way he said that and the look that followed made her somehow certain that no, she had no clue what brutal honesty meant. And as a matter of fact, she wouldn't probably like it that much, either. For instance, if she had a haircut and Legolas would walk in and tell her that it was the most horrible thing she ever did to herself, she would probably be very, very upset. The truth was, sometimes people craved for silly hope and they craved for untrue compliments and they didn't really, really want to hear the honest truth. For instance, she didn't want to hear that yes, her face held more wrinkles than last year if she dared to ask him if it was so. Irulan blinked momentarily, surprised by that thought. She WAS going to age, after all, and Legolas would remain exactly as he was. It was silly but she had never really considered it before. It had been a piece of information that she knew, but that she had never really tried to inspect under a loop until this moment.
Legolas read her confusion and slight terror and moved closer to her. "If it is what you want…" he began, thinking that he should not have faltered in his reply and eager to make amends for that.
To his surprise, she cut him off with haste. "No!" He stopped and she continued, softer: "No. I don't think I want brutal honesty. I mean...I want honesty, but not the brutal sort." She bit her lip and looked up at him. "Does that make sense?"
"I think so," he said with the hint of a smile. Irulan huffed with frustration. "What is it?"
"Nothing," she said and waved her hand as if to brush the unease away. It was obvious from his expression that he wasn't buying it, but thankfully he didn't press on, either. 'I have to sit down and think about this,' she mused to herself, trying to push the idea of a long term relationship between an immortal and a mortal into the background. 'I have to think really, really hard about this.' She cleared her throat and met his eyes again. "Just try not to...hurt my trust again."
Before the last word was out of her mouth, his expression had gained an unexpected gravity, mingled with fear. "I promise to do my best," he whispered, pressing her hand between his as if to underline the sincerity of his words. It wasn't necessary because now that Irulan was looking into his eyes, it was evident that Legolas meant every syllable of it.
She nodded, both relieved and intimidated at the same time. "Good," was all she could come up with at the face of such seriousness. "Cause you know...next time I will be nowhere this merciful."
The comment had the desired effect and Legolas smiled a bit in surprise. "I have learned my lesson," he said, pulling her palm up for a kiss. "And I know I was rather lucky this time."
She nodded with mock seriousness, biting her cheeks. His fingers on her cheek startled her. "I am sorry," he whispered into the earthly music of the bamboo forest. "For everything." Irulan nodded, too dumbfounded to make a comment about it. She knew that no matter what she said now, she would not find it in her heart to trust Legolas completely until he earned that trust in time. But she also knew that yes, he was indeed sorry and well, everyone deserved a second chance.
"So am I," she managed hoarsely a moment later. A long time passed as Legolas smiled and kissed her softly on the lips. She laid her forehead on his cheek, feeling relieved to have overcome a hard task. But…her task was not completed yet. There was something else that needed to be sort out. Something she should have sorted out from the very beginning. "What about Amanda?" she whispered at last with a hoarse voice.
A silence followed and Legolas' fingers combed through her hair, gently removing the pin. "There never was an Amanda," he said finally, smoothing the locks around her frame.
Somehow it made her angry. She knew for a fact that elves were obsessed with loyalty, but she had also known elves to be extremely honest. Well honest they were, but they had an eerie way of walking around it, too. She slowly looked up and tried not to sound too tense. The idea that there was another woman somewhere in the picture wasn't making it easy. Irulan was not liberal in these matters - perhaps even less than elves and if all else failed, her pride prevented her from thinking that affairs were as subtle and fleeting as most people around her seemed to think. "She was there when I called you," she offered at last, her tone slow and cautious. He said nothing and she continued, now feeling even more dreadful. "She came to Chinatown...what do you mean, there was never an Amanda?"
His sole response to that was to embrace her stronger. A part of her felt like slapping herself mentally for thinking about this now and another, larger part felt sick that she had not thought of it before. Before she had thrown herself into his arms, that is. He held her hand and gave it a long look, playing with her fingers as Irulan tried to keep the color off her face - due to shame or to anger, she didn't know. "I love you," he whispered finally and looked up to meet her gaze. "You and no other."
"I know that," Irulan exhaled with frustration. "But I will not..."
"Amanda and I," he intervened slowly, punctuating the words, "had dinner a few times." He halted and pursed his lips momentarily. "It was a mistake, I do not deny it. But that is all." She gave him a suspicious look and Legolas' eyebrows rose at her doubt. Did she actually doubt his faithfulness? The idea was somewhat silly but at the same time, offensive. He could be accused of many things, but being unfaithful was not one of them. The bed-jumping or stacking affairs as easily as unstacking them was not his style. Quite the opposite! He opened his mouth to say so, but she beat him to it.
"Are you saying that you didn't encourage her, Legolas?" The tone was careful but also held a warning. He sighed at the implication of it. It was obvious that Irulan did not trust him. At least not completely, yet. And what could he expect? Also, he expected no less pride in her. She was not a woman who thought lightly of affairs, either. He smiled deftly at the idea that while they should be the most 'liberal' people on the planet -she being from New York and him having seen and done almost everything- they were both stubbornly conservative. And that suited him just well.
"I did not discourage her," he offered finally, forcing his mind back to the subject. She took a deep breath, not looking away. The disappointment in her expression made him continue "Irulan, I am no Man." His hand touched her hair again. "Nothing happened between us."
"But Russel said that you meant to return to her."
He nodded and caught her hand once more. "I was considering giving it a chance," he admitted, suddenly feeling foolish. Why on earth had he even considered something like that, anyway? It seemed a decision made a lifetime ago on a different planet. "I thought it would be wise." He gave her a crooked smile. "Sometimes I surprise myself with the extent of foolishness I am capable of." She tried to return the smile, but it wasn't with much success. "But," he added then with a more serious voice, "I would not use Amanda like that - or anyone else." A moment passed as he placed a kiss on her open palm and she sighed as always to the action. "She would be a poor replacement anyway," he murmured, meeting her eyes again.
She nodded, not sure where this left them. If Legolas said that nothing had happened, she believed him. But what that 'nothing' entailed, she didn't know. An affair didn't always necessarily have to be physical, did it? Where did one draw a line to such a thing, anyway? "Maybe if you hadn't come here..." she mumbled, looking down at their entwined hands.
"No," he said, almost tense. Then softer "No." His hand cupped her cheek and she looked up, uncomfortable about the subject but unable to draw an end to it. Legolas looked at her for a long time, his eyes clear and bright with sincerity. "It is true that I had some silly thoughts for a while due to my frustration and anger. But I am not so weak that I bend to these emotions when it comes to affairs, Irulan." He gave a pause as if to let the words sink in. "You must believe me in this. Amanda was never an option for me." She nodded, feeling a bit more relieved at his heated gaze. "Nor will anyone ever be again," he added and kissed her palm again.
She sighed and embraced his neck, pulling him down for an embrace. His hands settled on her back and the sensation of relief and safety was incredible as she sat, burrowed in his neck. "You are not my first preference, Irulan," he said with half-amusement and half-scolding. "You are my ONLY preference."
Maybe that was all she had wanted to hear and it made her feel so incredibly, amazingly good. She hugged him tighter and he kissed her hair. "If you had had an affair with her..." she mumbled and he strengthened his grip to force her to silence. Still she added "I would never take you back."
Legolas caressed her back, thanking the gods that they had not let it go that far with Amanda. He never really had had the urge to jump into an affair with her anyway, but he HAD considered it, after all. And if anything would have happened, Irulan would have been lost to him for all times. He knew this with absolute certainty. It might have seemed silly to some - he knew that mortals were not overly picky in these matters. They even returned to former relationships after bedding quite many people in between. But he knew that Irulan was not so laid back and to tell the truth - neither was he. It wasn't only the jealousy, but it was the fact that he believed in dedication in the truest sense. If a person was with another, then he or she should do so COMPLETELY. Legolas was one to give himself physically, mentally and spiritually to whatever point the other could tolerate it and he was expecting the same in return.
He kissed her hair again, hugging her closer. "I think she'll be pissed," Irulan mumbled into his shoulder and he smiled despite himself.
"I imagine she will be," he said softly. He held her at arm's length then and gave her a long look. "As soon as we return to New York, I will explain it to her," he added more solemnly. Amanda would probably be very disappointed and true enough, he had played a part in letting her sentimentalism take root like this. But it wouldn't be the first time he had broken a woman's heart. "I will also find out about these men after you," he growled a moment later, caressing her fingers.
"I keep thinking about that and I can't think of any reason but my relationship with you, Legolas."
To her surprise, he nodded. "That option has crossed my mind, as well. It wouldn't be the first time." He frowned and looked into the forest for a while. "No matter. I want you to stay close to me until this is over."
She crooked her eyebrow. "How close?"
Legolas chuckled and drew her to himself, placing a long, sensual kiss on her lips. "As close as possible," he murmured against her lips and kissed her again.
Irulan nodded and hid a yawn. He smiled down at her, reading the tiredness in her face. "Come...it is getting cooler. Let us go back."
She nodded again, but didn't move right away. It was cool, true, but to be alone with Legolas was incredibly sweet and she didn't want to give it up too soon. A while passed as she sat, staring into the forest and he sank back, not urging her again and instead, sitting in front of her and caressing her face or giving her small, gentle kisses. "What is up with Mona and Haldir?" she said suddenly, out of nowhere.
His eyebrows rose with slight amusement and he didn't reply for a moment. "Something is UP?" was his mocking question.
Irulan bit down her grin and gave him a sly look. "Even I learn, Legolas. Enough to see that you are walking around an issue, again." The reply to that was a mock surprised glance. "And again," she added dryly.
"What issue?"
"And again!" she said and tried to shove him back. He gripped her elbows and pulled her into his chest instead. "Come on!" she half-laughed, half-whined. "Tell me!" She felt him draw in a breath to answer and quickly added "No, Legolas! Don't play around and don't forestall!"
"Do you realize," he said with a tired sigh, "that you are asking for rather private information?"
She pulled back a little and gave him an excited look. "How private?"
The elf chuckled and gave her a long kiss on the lips. "Very private," he whispered huskily, leaning in for more.
Irulan evaded him. "They were lovers?" He smiled and shook his head. "ARE lovers?" she said with more excitement. Again, he shook his head, grinning at her disappointment. "What is it then?"
"What makes you think there IS something?" he said, playing with her locks.
He was sidestepping again. But she pretended not to hear it. "I have eyes, Legolas!"
He looked at her for a while as if to decide whether he should let it go, or give in. Then he spoke as he caressed her hair. "It is a very long story." She didn't say anything and just watched him frown slightly, in remembrance. "And actually not mine to tell," he said flatly, giving her a meaningful look. Irulan huffed in irritation and he added with amusement "But...the gods forgive me...I can not deny you this little...pleasure." Irulan grinned and nodded like a little girl, wetting her lips in anticipation.
The elf bit down a chuckle at her gleeful curiosity and cleared his throat, trying to aim for somberness. "Haldir was a very close friend and companion of Mona's parents. Eldir -Mona's father- served with Haldir for many years in Lothlorien and was always more than a friend long after the Old Days were over. Her mother was known to him, too. He was there when Mona was born and he was there as she grew up." He frowned and looked away again, distracted by the memories. It was strange to think about it now - to think about the span of centuries as if it was just a matter of mortal years. How to explain to Irulan a friendship that lasted between two men for many millennia? How to explain what it meant to watch someone grow up in a few hundred years?
He didn't speak for a while and she didn't interfere with his thoughts. "He was there when they died, too," he whispered finally.
This was definitely not what Irulan expected. She was speaking before she could get a hold on her tongue. "Her parents DIED!"
Legolas nodded, shifting slightly with discomfort. It was not easy to talk about such private matters to some other. Then he glanced at Irulan and smiled slowly. 'But this is Irulan,' he thought to himself. 'This is the one person I can tell everything and anything.' It didn't feel less wrong but in an unexplainable way it also felt right. Because he was sharing something of deepest intimacy with her and the sheer act spoke of their connection and bond. Despite all the ethical wrongness, there was an emotional rightness to it. He smiled broader and nodded. "A long time ago," he whispered and began to run his fingers through her hair again.
"Why?" she whispered back.
He bit his lip. "They died during a mission," he said eventually. When he met her eyes again, Irulan nodded in understanding and didn't press further for details. He exhaled in relief and continued with a firmer tone. "After that...everything changed." Again a long break while he thought out his words. "Haldir was with Mona almost every day. She had practically grown in his care and well...he thought it to be his responsibility towards her parents that he should take care of her."
"I understand," she murmured and caught his hand, delivering it a kiss. It startled him for a moment, then he smiled again and entwined his fingers with her. "Only she grew very...fond of him."
A short silence. "Oh," Irulan managed a moment later, not sure what else to say. Legolas was watching her reaction and she wiped the hair from her face before she spoke further. "And the feeling wasn't returned?"
He cocked his head and gave her another one of those long looks along with a thoughtful smile. "Do you want to hear his answer or mine?"
Irulan pursed her lips and waited a moment. "Why does he deny himself?"
Legolas sighed and pulled her closer, kissing her forehead. "You must understand that he is having a hard time facing his own emotions - let alone Mona's. He was an uncle to her for centuries."
Irulan didn't say anything for many minutes. She tried to put herself in Haldir's position -which proved to be impossible- and giving up, tried to imagine herself in Mona's shoes. That proved to be almost as hard as the first option. Knowing how morally stiff elves were, such feelings must have been very hard for either one to face and accept. By the looks of it, Haldir hadn't even come as far as the accepting part. "Does he feel as if he would be betraying the trust of her parents if he...gave in to his feelings?" she murmured at last.
She felt him nodding. "I believe so. Haldir is a very proud man. He takes his vows and relationships in life very seriously."
"But he loves her!" she protested weakly.
"Didn't you once say that love is not enough?" Legolas said a long moment later.
Irulan closed her eyes in defeat. She knew that he had not meant to hurt her with the comment, but it hurt, nevertheless. She strengthened her grip on him and felt him do the same. "I did," she whispered finally.
"But then," he whispered a moment later, "you also said that love justifies everything."
Irulan looked up with a deft smile, meeting his gaze. "True. I said that, too." She sighed. "I guess humans are constantly confused."
Legolas cocked his head and kissed her palm again, not breaking the eye contact. "Not more than elves, I promise you."
For a while longer they listened to the bamboo, each giving the silence its way. Finally when there was nothing left to say and the day already seemed too full with words, Irulan said that she was ready to go back. Legolas helped her up and then took her hand again, leading her out of the maze of the swishing bamboo, just like once he had led her out from the mist, to safety.
When they arrived at the camp the fire was almost extinguished and everyone was tucked away somewhere in their little tents -yes, as incredible as it was, they had tents, thanks to elves thinking ahead and knowing what to get for a trip like this. Legolas didn't let go of her hand and instead pulled her towards his own tent, which she guessed Haldir had prepared for them. It was small for two people, but not uncomfortable at all when he pressed her close to his chest and Irulan sighed, feeling the conflict and battle of the past few days finally taking a toll on her. The last thing she remembered was the familiar feeling of his hand caressing her back and this time she didn't dream of slanted green eyes.
The next dawn didn't bring the relief that usually follows a tempest. On the contrary, the moment Irulan stepped out of the tent, greeted by a warming early summer day, she felt the tenseness in the camp. Instinctively she looked for Legolas, but instead spotted Haldir, standing some distance from the camp and gazing towards the forest. She stumbled towards him, her brain trying to recall the events of the day before and her body trying to wake up.
Haldir greeted her with such a warm smile that she felt instantly revived and returned it with the same enthusiasm. "Have you slept well?" he asked gently.
"I have," Irulan yawned, scratching her head. "Where is everyone?"
"Legolas and Mona left to find Baeron's house. They will return to lead us to it. Russel is taking care of the horses…" he motioned with his head and Irulan followed it, finding the man grooming the animals, "…Anne went into the forest for a stroll," he added more thoughtful and gazed towards the trees again. "I was wondering if I should go after her and make sure that she won't get lost."
"Leave her be," Irulan said with more bitterness than she meant to.
He met her eyes with a frown. "You are still angry with her?"
"STILL?" was her astonished question. "I have barely begun to be angry."
Haldir was quiet for a moment. "I know that it takes time and I am confident that your friendship will not be damaged by it."
"Oh really?" she said tersely. "Don't be so sure, Haldir. This time she's gone too far." He looked like he meant to object, but wisely kept his tongue. "All this lying, deceit…she knows how I hate it. And she knows how I hate being treated like a little child. Don't tell me that just because two people are friends, it gives them the right to treat each other any way they like."
"Of course not," he soothed her, briefly touching her shoulder.
"And don't say that just because she had good intentions, her behavior was acceptable!"
"No," he sighed and looked towards the forest again. "But I think she understood and accepted her mistake. At this point, she seems fully capable of punishing herself without any further help."
"Yeah well, I'm not going to make it easy on her!" Irulan retorted pursed her lips in grim determination.
Haldir smiled down at her and she couldn't read his expression – did he think that she was being childish? She stiffened with the thought, but he made no further comment on the issue and instead, decided to change the topic. "You have forgiven Lord Legolas. I think that's enough generosity for now."
For no apparent reason, she felt a bit embarrassed. "I'm not in the position to forgive anyone," she mumbled, shifting on her feet with discomfort. "I did some pretty awful things, too."
His smile grew a little at that and Irulan got the feeling that he was hinting at Anne again, although he hadn't said a word. She gave him a suspicious look and only received another gentle touch on the shoulder in reply. Feeling that this conversation was not in her favor, she mumbled that she needed to speak to Russel and without waiting for a reply, turned to walk in that direction. She felt Haldir's silent but heavy gaze on her back and was hit by both anger and shame at that. Anger because the damn elves thought they were so wise and mature and felt like they could 'kindly' remind all lesser beings of that any time they deemed it necessary. Shame because they were probably always right.
Russel was still grooming -or attempting to groom, one should say- the horses. She walked slowly and deliberately turned her thoughts from the more unpleasant facts to far prettier ones. She had accepted Legolas' offer! It seemed like a dream now, hidden somewhere in an imaginary yesterday. The smile only grew broader and an incredible lightness took hold of her heart. Only then, in the aftermath of her decision, did Irulan realize how much she had really missed him and being with him - being a part of his life. The days of solitude seemed miles away now and all she could think of was how she would spend her time with Legolas.
She lifted her head to look around as she walked on. 'I am in China!' she thought. 'With the man I love! With friends who love me. How lucky I am...' For a fleeting moment, she thought of Baeron again - it was impossible not to think of him in moments like this, in moments when she craved for his friendship even more than when she was sad and bitter. And for the first time in long months, the memory didn't stab her as it usually did. It held a gentle, almost satisfactory longing, but no protest to faith or the gods. Unconsciously she nodded to herself, a slight frown setting on her face. This terrible trip was indeed doing rather good things for her. In a terrible way. If such a thing made sense.
"Morning Irulan," Russel said just then and she realized with a start that she had arrived by his side. He looked tired and worn-out, but his smile was genuine as he watched her for a reaction. The perfectness of everything, the lightness of having come to the end of battle, the joy of being surrounded by love made her impulsively embrace him. He chuckled and embraced her back with his free hand. For a moment they stood there, then she took him by the shoulders and leaned back.
"Morning my friend!" she whispered, smiling a genuine smile.
Russel gave her a long look and reached out to place a lock of hair behind her ears. His hand came down to her shoulder, then gently squeezed it as he locked his gaze with hers once more. "How are you feeling?" was his slow question.
Irulan laughed to that and embraced him shortly once more before stepping back. "I feel wonderful! I haven't felt this good in a long, long time!" She took a deep breath and absent-mindedly laid her hand on the neck of the horse that was looking down at her a bit apprehensively. A short silence, then she turned to him. "But what about you, Russel?"
He shrugged his signature shrug and returned to grooming. "Fine," was all he mumbled a moment later. Sensing the unenthusiastic tone of his voice, he added "I'm okay," with a firmer tone.
Irulan didn't say anything immediately and watched him, thinking briefly that she had never really seen Russel do something like this before. "I'm really sorry, you know that," she said slowly.
"I know," he sighed with mild exasperation. "We talked about this yesterday. I'm out of it, really."
"No, you're not," she interfered and pursed her lips at his exasperated look. "I mean…what about Anne?" That finally served to give a touch of uncertainty to his eyes and Russel diverted them eventually, continuing his job on the animal.
A few minutes passed in silence as the world around them began to warm up despite the coldness in the present group. "It was going to come out sooner or later," she heard him mumble then. She watched him as he continued, hesitant about continuing before he finally gave in without meeting her gaze. "Doesn't really make a difference. I mean…it's not like…" That was as far as Russel got before he submitted to caution and shut up.
Irulan sighed and gazed around the camp. "Although I think that you are way too good for her," she began tentatively, "I don't see why not." The sharpness in his gaze was unexpected and Irulan almost flinched. He held her eyes for a second or two before he returned wordlessly to his occupation, his stance betraying his tenseness. A wise woman wouldn't push and leave it at that. A good friend would perhaps risk it. So she continued, seemingly unfazed: "What are you, five years old? For God's sake, Russel, stop acting like it's some sort of crime or something!" This only caused him to purse his lips even more. 'A little more and he'll explode,' she thought to herself, then mentally shrugged and kept going. "You are both adults…" (Russel snorted to that) "…and why the hell not give it a try?"
"Is that your wisest recommendation, Irulan?" he said dryly, for the first time stopping his actions and looking her in the eye. "Cause if it is, you can just disappear right now. I'm having a good morning for a change ever since this craziness started and I don't see why I should I allow you to ruin it."
Irulan deftly rolled her eyes and took a deep breath to calm herself. Men could be so infuriating! "There's nothing wrong with the advice. There's something wrong with the fact that you've been hiding this for like a millennia or something and that you've never ever even once considered that it's NOT a myth, but a possibility!"
"Thank you for enlightening me," was the growl of an answer.
"Look…I'm not telling you to jump into anything…" –she got a sarcastic look for that one- "…As a matter of fact, I think you should just make this really, really hard on Anne. But at least for God's sake take the whole matter from the 'impossible' list and put it somewhere amongst the 'maybe's!"
"Incredible," Russel mused to himself, gazing at the sky, "one night with the Grand Prince and she has changed her mind one hundred percent!"
A blush crept to her cheeks and her anger shot up several degrees at once. "That's not true!"
"Oh yeah? Up till yesterday a serious fraction of the population was trying to convince you to give this guy a second chance –not even start a whole new relationship, mind you, but merely a second chance- and you were ripping your hair out of fury at the idea alone. This morning, however, you were apparently reborn as the Great Matchmaker!"
"Russel…" she managed to growl with a bit of threat, since she didn't trust herself to come up with a sensible reply to that. He interfered smoothly.
"On the whole, I would say that it was rather easy. An entire group had to travel to a different continent, a major organization had to be involved to locate you, some heroic and very uncomfortable stuff like horseback riding and hiking and shit…and Her Majesty finally agrees to reconsider!" Irulan gulped when their eyes met and she felt another wave of shame rising to her face. "I'm not even mentioning the abuse that some of us suffered and the worry we had to live through and that, in the end, rather painful and intimate facts had to be revealed and all that."
A moment of silence followed. "You forgot to mention the ones who died," she finally said with a hoarse voice.
When she looked up again he seemed a bit startled and bewildered and didn't make an attempt to speak up again. It was easy to give in to hurt and fury and to walk away now. But that was the cowardly thing to do. Irulan thought deftly that she had done enough running lately and that it was time to stand and face reality. Every word that he had said was true. All of it. Including the fact that she was standing here and judging him when she of all people should know how impossible sometimes the most seemingly simplest things were.
"I didn't mean to…" he began clumsily when she cut him off.
"No…I know." She sighed and swallowed down her pride and anger. "And you are right. I just…all the time I was running from Legolas and I was denying him…deep inside I knew that I was making a mistake. I really did. But…I understand that sometimes this isn't not enough to turn away from a path. I just hope that it'll be sooner with you than it was with me."
Another slice of silence set in and Russel didn't break it with protests, though his eyes had softened. She bit her lip and tried to imagine where they would go from here. As a group and as friends and lovers…or possible lovers. It seemed too chaotic to figure out, too incalculable to draw a schedule to it. She gazed towards the camp again and realized that Anne had appeared and was watching them, a most unusual nervousness to her. When they made eye-contact, the blonde woman began to walk towards them, seemingly having waited to be spotted first. Irulan frowned a little and watched her approach, her mind still busy with the remains of Russel's words. "Because the truth is," she mumbled absent-mindedly before she met his eyes again, "I would never cross half the globe for YOU, you idiot."
To her expectation he grinned and the tenseness between them dissolved almost visually. "Of course you wouldn't, you selfish beast," he chuckled, shaking his head.
Irulan raised her eyebrow and crossed her arms on her chest, vaguely aware of Anne's coming. "Why should I?" she said with mock indifference. "I'll be having the trip of a lifetime with Legolas. I'll be pampered and spoiled and all that…" She waved her hand dismissively. "Nothing like this hell of a vacation."
Russel rolled his eyes, playing along to bury the past few minutes so that the road to an amicable future could be walked upon, once more. But any possible cheeky reply he had to that was interfered with by Anne's greeting.
"Hi," she said, and it sounded almost shy. Despite the rarity of that, Irulan managed to hold her poise when she met the blonde woman's eyes. From the corner of her eye she saw Russel subtly flinching at the surprise arrival, which he had failed to see, since his back was turned to that direction, but other than that, he too remained rather unresponsive.
"Hello Anne," Irulan said finally when the silence seemed to continue for too long. There was no warmth in her greeting.
Anne bit her upper lip and dared a quick glance to Russel who was grooming the horse once more as if nothing else existed in the universe, his back turned to her. "How are you guys?" was the next question. This time it was obvious that Anne was more than nervous, cause the slight shaking of her voice was audible.
Irulan, however, had no mercy to spare at the moment. "Great! We're having a great time, Anne!" she spit out dryly. "You?"
The other woman looked down momentarily and swallowed. "Actually…I'm…not so great," she managed to choke out finally. She got to answer to that. Russel continued to groom –although the horse showed signs of irritation of the extensive care at this point- and Irulan stared at her friend without blinking. "I apologize."
"I'm sorry, what was that?"
"I apologize!" Anne said quickly. She looked happy to be given a chance to speak. "I'm really sorry, Irulan! I didn't know all this was going to happen!"
"The truth is, you would have done it even if you knew it."
"What! NO!"
"Yes, Anne. You have always been extremely selfish, inconsiderate and downright invasive. You just didn't manage to cause serious harm by it until now. Congratulations on the upgrade!"
Anne's mouth dropped open, but she quickly closed it and gave Russel's back another look as if she expected him to step in and save her. Judging that no support was coming from that direction she pursed her lips again and began to redden in the face. For someone who very rarely did so, it was proof of her momentary pain and discomfort. "You don't seriously mean that…" she mumbled after a while.
For a moment Irulan was surprised by the shyness and defeat Anne was showing. It was highly abnormal for someone of her character and she couldn't remember seeing the woman like this before. Anne always had had a brazen confidence and unfazed sense of righteousness. It was interesting to say the least to watch her when she was this frail and defenseless. She raised her eyes and met Irulan's eyes, biting her upper lip again. "You don't, right?"
Irulan rolled her eyes. "Of course I do! Are you even aware how much you've hurt the people around you?"
"I am!" was the wail of a reply. "And I accept the fault! I was stupid…and…and blind…" she fisted her hands, seemingly desperate to find other horrible adjectives for herself, "…everything I did was wrong, yes. But…I really didn't mean anything bad with it, Irulan!"
"Oh stop!" Irulan moaned. "That would be an excuse if you were a child. Don't even try that bullshit with me."
"It's not bullshit!" Anne protested, taking a step towards the woman, encouraged by her own desperation. "I wanted you to give Legolas another chance and…"
"And that is your business, how?"
"You were miserable! You were…you were sick, Irulan! And so was he!" Irulan didn't even bother to protest and shook her head with disbelief. "I really believed that if not for the bad experience in the past, you two were meant for each other and…and when I saw that Amanda chick…I mean COME ON!" Irulan merely raised an eyebrow, unable to deny her inner irritation at the mention of that name. "I thought Legolas had definitely lost it or something! And you were just going to stand aside and let him do a grievous mistake!"
"It's-none-of-your-business!" Irulan spelled out, trying to keep her voice down. "Admit to yourself that you are doing a terrible job of fixing things, Anne! Fix your own damn life if you must fix something!" That shut Anne up and she took a defensive and hurt stance again. So Irulan continued, suddenly furious about all the past interferences she had to suffer from her nosy friend. "God, you are so much like Legolas sometimes! I mean what on earth gives you the idea that you are fit to lead everyone to happiness or salvation or something! Come back to reality, Anne! You aren't above anyone and in fact, you aren't doing it for anyone else, either."
That must have surely hurt. Enough for Anne to attempt a protest. "And what am I gaining from all this? Huh? What possible selfish gain do I have in this!"
"The power to invade people's lives and to manipulate them must be a reward in itself," Irulan said dryly. "I'm sure Legolas would understand the pleasure of that too well." She gave a hesitant glance around just in case the elf was nearby. It wasn't the nicest of remarks and she wouldn't want to repeat it to his face, either. Thankfully only Haldir was far off, unhooking the tents. Anne had nothing to say to that so Irulan re-loaded her guns and decided to shoot on. "You lie, you cheat, you hide facts…I mean….how can ANY good come from THAT!"
The other woman threw up her hands in defeat, her own rising anger overcoming her nervousness. "Fine! So I am a lying, interfering bitch! I admit to that. Happy, Irulan?"
"No."
"I think that's enough," Russel cut in for the first time and just to hear his voice caused the women to reconsider continuing. He idly packed the brush and turned to give first Irulan, then Anne an unreadable look. He always had been the one to end catfights between Anne and Irulan and although everything else seemed to have changed amongst the trio, this apparently hadn't.
"I think it's high time that Anne here is brought to justice, Russel," Irulan said with a snarl.
"Right. Please Russel, let the execution committee here do her job!" Anne countered to that.
"Next thing you'll say that it's unfair, too!"
"Damn well it's unfair! At least I was honest about my intentions – which were pure."
"There is nothing honest about you Anne," Irulan spat. "Let alone pure."
"Okay that's enough!" Russel interfered once more, this time with a more determined voice and a harder glance at each. "I think I listened to this bickering enough in New York and I'd rather enjoy the chirping of birds or something of that nature in China, if you don't mind."
"But Russel…" Irulan began.
"Irulan," he said with a tired voice, turning to her, "I mean it. The amount of drama here is just beyond me. I don't want revenge. I don't want an apology. I just want peace. Is that so hard to understand?"
Irulan fumbled with the hem of her shirt, annoyed that Russel was not in the mood of torturing Anne. God knew she was! She threw a nasty look to the other woman, but Anne seemed to be focused on Russel now and there was a different look in her eyes. The shyness, too, seemed to have returned and when she spoke, her voice was not as self-confident as a moment before. "You never asked for much," she said slowly with a tone that made even Russel gave her an apprehensive and uncomfortable look. A short silence followed. "And I always did." There was an attempt at a laugh, and it failed. "I want your forgiveness, Russel."
"For what?" he said, and almost managed to make it sound casual.
"Everything," Anne sighed. "Not just this trip. I mean…everything."
Russel, who wasn't fond of playing the sentimental guy and always insisted that he was the macho character in the group drew himself up a little and gave Irulan a sidelong glance before he cleared his throat. "What is this? Everybody is in the apology mood today or something. I can tackle one of you but both of you going emotional on me is simply too much! Look girls…"
"Russel, please!" she interfered, not with anger or annoyance but with something akin to desperation and he stilled his mock humor. The air grew very thick as they looked at each other, not knowing how to put the words now that something drastic had changed between them, and Irulan suddenly realized she was a rather needless and probably obstructive decor at the moment. It was strange to feel so out of place amongst the people she always felt incredibly at home with. She blinked, confused and enlightened at the same time. An odd pain came with the realization – as if a circle that had been open to her before had closed up, now. As if she had been part of something that would not accept her, any longer.
As if the friendship that she had cherished until now and that had always been available to her at every whim, suddenly seemed to have been taken from her. It was still there, no doubt. Or rather, the people were there. But something important had happened to it in one night and that simple thing –a small declaration- had altered its nature so drastically, that she knew deep inside how they would never be the same again.
She heard herself mumbling a half-hearted excuse and walking away while Russel and Anne engaged in a dialogue that seemed to exclude her. They didn't even respond to her departure and a flicker of both jealousy and annoyance coursed through her at that. It was selfish, she knew, because none of them had been jealous of her when she was having HER private life. And it wasn't as if they had been glued to each other before, anyway. Each had had separate and private lives that had taken time from their common friendship and it had never really bothered Irulan or made her feel pushed away. Now, though, that there was something between the two that SHE wasn't any part of, an egoistic part of her felt wounded and bitter.
She trotted away, engulfed in thought. "Don't be a silly child!" she muttered to herself, glancing over her shoulder to give the couple a last look. "This is the right thing! This is how it should be!" The neglected, spoiled baby in her snarled with anger. "Stop!" she continued, desperate to quell the uneasiness. "Everyone deserves to be happy, not just you!"
It brought no relief whatsoever. A sense of gloom and solitude settled on her and in the eye of her mind Irulan suddenly realized that all this time she had dwelled rather comfortably in the shade of a trio that had been sharing a common feature – loneliness. This friendship, she understood suddenly, had been her haven. She had had no problems in risking the adventure of an affair every now and then, but always felt confident and uncaring because she had known that even if it failed –which it always had, unfortunately- all she had to do was to return to that haven and there she would be welcome by friends who shared the same misery. She would still have fun, still laugh, still enjoy life – who cared for a guy who had broken her heart!
But now…now that haven was closed to her. Now she stood alone and maybe for the first time, the solitude that she had been so confident in facing seemed intimidating. It was silly to think that she had lost her friends – she didn't and she probably never would. But they were not solitary figures sitting on a couch and cursing the rest of the world, anymore. Now there was a couple and her and the idea made her very, very uncomfortable. Irulan almost snorted at the stupidity she had uncovered so suddenly – she had always prided herself in not depending on or getting too attached to her boyfriends. Only to realize that she had done that with her friends, instead. And now…with the possibility of that friendship vanishing from her grasp, the first honest idea of what loneliness really meant began to sink in.
She stopped, suddenly unable to walk due to a sharp pain in her chest. 'I'm not afraid!' she said to herself mentally. 'I'm not alone! And even if I were, who cares! I have myself, damn it!' The thoughts brought no relief whatsoever and the terrible gloom and sense of hopelessness grew only further. She looked up, registering the sound of approaching hooves.
The relief she felt so in desperate need of and that simply refused to come, appeared only when Legolas emerged over the hill. The strangest feeling came over her and she ran up to him. She felt so small, so helpless and so lost and all the greatness, all the assistance was in the hands of the man who was coming towards her, on the horse. A part of her mind stood in shock at the fact that Irulan, a woman who had always been proud of herself because of her 'modernity', of her ability to stand on her own feet, of her self-confidence would feel such helplessness and such incompleteness, even though nothing major had really changed in her life. But she did! The mind was an overrated thing, Irulan decided. The heart was all that mattered.
She ran towards him and when close enough Legolas jumped from the horse to take her into his arms. Wasn't it wrong to run from the destruction of one haven right into the security of another? Wasn't this supposed to be one of those 'liberating' experiences when one was shattered to pieces, then realized that it was probably the best thing that had happened to her? The truth was, at the moment she didn't care. Or she cared as much as a little girl who had lost her mother.
If Legolas wasn't as strong as he was he would had stumbled back at the impact of her fierce embrace. But he was prepared and he let her cling to him like a little child, embracing her back. Mona had halted as well and was giving him a questioning look from above her horse. He swiftly turned to glance at the camp, finding nothing out of the ordinary. "Irulan, what is it? What happened?" She shook her head in reply and clung to him harder, burying her face into his neck. Legolas turned to see Haldir watching them with deft confusion on his face. "What happened?" he said, more alarmed now that there didn't seem to be any apparent danger.
"Nothing," she whined, breathing hotly into his neck. He motioned Mona to proceed to the camp and she did so as he stood, watching her join Haldir. From this distance he couldn't hear their conversation, naturally, but he remained alert for a signal. Nothing came. Mona turned back a few minutes later and waved a sign indicating that everything was normal.
"Irulan," he said slowly, his alarm turning from general to personal, "did something happen? Tell me."
She shook her head again, then sighed with partial relief, sinking into him. "I just…I just felt so…alone," she whispered at last.
Legolas blinked in surprise, his arms instinctively embracing her stronger in an attempt of protection. "Why?" he whispered back, leaning his cheek against her hair.
She sniffed and tried to bring back sense to her brain. Once again she merely shrugged in reply while trying to overcome the sensation of being safe and saved, as well as the temptation to turn around and see what the terrible monster had been. "It's really stupid," she admitted in the end and closed her eyes in an attempt to shut off the vision of her own weakness and selfishness.
Legolas pulled back then and lifted her chin to take a better look. They stared at each other for a long moment. "Did someone say something?" he asked slowly, his eyes boring into hers.
She shook her head again, feeling like a little girl again, but not minding at all at the moment. "No," she whispered in reply and smiled up to him, thinking that Legolas looked astonishingly more handsome with each day. Or maybe it was because he was her savior and prince on the white horse at the moment.
The doubt in his eyes didn't lift and he gazed towards the camp, finding Russel and Anne engaged in a dialogue, seemingly careless about anything and anyone else. "You had a fight with Anne, didn't you?"
"Not really," Irulan moaned, wiping her eyes.
Legolas glanced back at the couple. "Are THEY having a fight?"
Irulan sighed with frustration. "No! I wish they had!" He gave her a surprised look that asked for further explanation and she just groaned and placed her cheek on his shoulder again. "That's not what I mean," she mumbled at last. "It's just…I was annoyed that she got away so easy."
He caressed her hair and allowed a short silence. "I see," was his half-amused, half-serious answer, "you wanted blood and pain."
"No! I mean yes, but…" She pulled back suddenly giving him an apprehensive look. "Do you think that they will be…you know…together?"
Legolas cupped her cheek, an incredible expression of love in his eyes. "I don't know," he whispered, though his thoughts seemed to be far from the subject of Anne and Russel. "I hope so."
"Why do you hope so?" Her fury surprised even Irulan herself, but it certainly startled Legolas, who just remained looking down at her as if she was a complicated software program, waiting to be deciphered. "She's going to get away with it!" she added with a hiss.
"So you want to punish her?" was the cool question.
"Yes I do!" She took a deep breath, trying to control herself and yet felt desperately afraid and angry at the same time. "After all she did, don't tell me that we should pretend none of it happened!" Legolas remained silent, so she continued, waving her arms in frustration. "She lied, she cheated, she pushed…so many people suffered because she had this idea in her head…and…and Russel just stands there and doesn't punch her in the face!"
Okay so maybe she shouldn't have said the last part. At least not to Legolas, who was too smart for his own good. Immediately a knowing look settled on his gaze and she was forced to suffer it until he spoke, his voice gentle but serious. "Now I see the problem. You are jealous of them."
"What! No! Why would I be?"
"You think that something dreadful and terrible has happened and your friends are lost to you," was the matter-of-fact reply.
She opened and closed her mouth a couple of times, eager to protest, but unable to come up with a decent enough response. "You think?" she whined at last, her voice broken.
Legolas nodded and wiped the hair from her face. The relief he felt at the realization that this was just merely an emotional issue, not a new and unforeseen threat was evident on his face while he continued his action, reveling in the fact that Irulan was clinging to him in a fashion he had never seen her do, before. He had seen her afraid and lost before – true. She looked horrible in Bentanta's tomb after Baeron had pushed her out, for instance. He shivered involuntarily at the recollection and pushed it away, trying to focus on the present instead. But under those circumstances, any sane person would have been afraid and confused.
He realized then that it was incredibly pleasant to feel needed by someone you loved so much. It was amazing to know that now, whenever she felt in need of a person, not Russel but Legolas would be the first name that sprang to her mind. 'If she ever needs to call someone again,' he thought in a hidden, dark corner of his mind, 'she will call me. Not Russel.' Selfish? No doubt about it. But no less true. He glanced once again at the man and Anne standing in the distance, in the process of a seemingly uncomfortable but intimate conversation, and discovered that although he had not admitted so to himself, Russel had indeed been a great threat for him up to this day. And now…his eyes met her again and he smiled, unable to suppress the self-satisfaction completely. Now she needed him like she had never needed him before. Now she wanted him as more than a mere lover. She wanted him as a friend. As a confidant. As a savior. No matter how wrong it was to think of it in that fashion, it still felt so very, very good to know it. The greed of being all that and more for her welled up in him. 'You don't have to be strong every moment of your life anymore,' he thought, looking into her confused brown orbs. 'I am here, now.'
None of his excitement was evident in his tone when he spoke, though. "I think it's only fair," he said softly, giving her a gentle kiss on the lips, uncaring of who was witnessing it. "No one said that growing up is painless."
Irulan sniffed and rolled her eyes and he grinned broader. "Very funny, Legolas! I mean…here I am…pouring my heart out and all…and you…you…"
He kissed her again, feeling so utterly and selfishly and terribly happy and not caring whether it made him less of a man – or an elf. The principles and ethics of a 'proper' person seemed incredibly dull and foolish at this moment. If happiness came at the price of being less proper, it was worth it, he decided. "I found the house," he whispered before she could utter a protest.
She stilled with surprise and almost immediately beamed up to him. "You did!" It was so unlike her mood from just moments ago that he had to laugh. "You did, really? Is it far?"
"No," he sighed, embracing her waist.
"Is it old? I KNOW it's beautiful! I mean it has to be! Where is it?"
"It's…"
"Let's go!" Irulan exclaimed, hugging him. She drew back immediately. "We are going, right?"
"If you release me," was his amused reply. She stepped back at that and wiped the last remnants of her sadness away. Legolas stared down at her, thinking that her wild mood swings made her somehow childish but at the same time so much more attractive as a person. It never took much to make Irulan happy, he realized and he found her openness very fresh and so animating.
"Why are you looking at me like that?"
He smiled broader, knowing in his heart that he would never find the words to explain how happy he was at this moment. It seemed such a common moment – nothing special about it. Nothing outstanding. No turning point in life. No end of a great event. But it tasted of happiness and satisfaction and the sheer excitement for life. Only an elf of his age could understand how dull life could become and how the wish to long for it once more could turn into agony. "It is nothing," he whispered at last to her persistent look of doubt. "I am happy," he added simply and watched her excitement turn into something deeper and more profound, something more somber but also more real. Something that would not change so easily in a matter of minutes.
"You fool," was all she said and smiled, knowing that he could read her love for him on her face as easily as reading a it was useless to try to hide the love she felt for him. "You are an old fool and I am a stupid child," she sighed, taking his hand and leading him to the camp. "I really think this is bound for disaster."
And perhaps she thought right.