I would need a confession booth to get it out of my system completely but for now all I can say is…well…sorry. So much has happened since the last update! The most important reason was that my mother had a surgery and I had to go overseas to be with her for over a month. Then smaller and less important things followed – not important maybe but barriers nevertheless. In the end, I think what made me continue was the never-ending flood of e-mails that I received. Even with such a long break, it astonished me to see that people were not driven away or had not forgotten entirely of the story!
Every time I make promises of swift updates, I fail to keep them. Maybe I am jinxing myself. So this time, no promises. Instead, lots of silent effort on my behalf.
Thank you for your faith in me. Love to you all!
She didn't know what she should be expecting but she was certain that all her imagination would not suffice to sum up what peeked at them behind the thick foliage once they crossed the last corner. She gasped involuntarily and slowly allowed her eyes to take in the huge complex that seemed to be shrouded in clouds. It was the moist, unpredictable weather that allowed this phenomenon in this region, along with the height of the structure of course.
'Baeron's house,' she thought and swallowed, her eyes still glued to it. In her mind's eye, she tried to imagine him turning this very corner and gazing up at it. How many times must he have done that? Countless times, and most probably before Irulan was even born. The idea, even after such long experiences with elves, was strange to her.
She knew that it wasn't his work. He had said that he never built anything after Bentanta's tomb and that must have been far earlier than this house. But no matter whom he had acquired to do this work for him, it was obvious that Baeron had a hand in it. The place spoke of him in a way she couldn't find herself capable of describing.
First of all, it was gigantic. She deftly thought then how almost all elven dwellings had a tendency to be that. It was one of their strongest traits - their enjoyment of size, comfort and lavishness. It spoke of their love for long strolls, their need for open, high spaces and of course of the need to stuff in all the possible clutter that somehow managed to cling to one in all the passing years. Elves valued anything related to the past immensely and everything that held a memory was irreplaceable to them. She had often believed Baeron to be a little more modern in that sense, but now that she was approaching his home -or one of his many homes, one should say- she found herself wishing that he was sharing that characteristic with his kin and that she would find the clutters of a long life in this place.
"It's beautiful," she breathed finally.
Legolas halted the horse and remained silent behind her for a few moments. "It is," he said gravely at last. He took a silent breath and pursed his lips as his eyes jumped from stone to wall, from step to window. 'How is it that now I can only remember my terrible wrongs when I think of Baeron?' he thought silently. 'We spent hundreds of years together, did so many things, and yet the mention of his name comes with the sound of a tomb closing and nothing more.'
He deftly shook his head at the realization. It would take time, he knew - half a year was far from enough to look back and see more than regret and foolishness in the past. Half a year was far from enough to find forgiveness for oneself in the rocky path that leads back.
He felt Irulan's hand on his, squeezing gently as if she had sensed his mood. "We are here at last, Legolas," she whispered back, a smile in her voice. "And I'm so happy that you are with me this very moment."
Legolas gave in to that smile and shook off the murky darkness that threatened to overcome him. "As am I," he whispered in reply, kissing her hair.
Their gentle moment was interrupted by Anne's loud gasp as she turned the corner. "Wow! It's…big," she finished lamely and craned her neck further to see over Haldir's shoulder.
"Quite old, too," Mona added when her horse arrived by their side.
A silence set in when all six riders gazed at the structure, half with relief and half with disbelief that they made it so far. It was odd, Irulan decided, to come to an end of a journey like this. Until this moment, she had always thought of her target as something more┘subtle. Something almost unreachable and ethereal. It wasn't really a location she had been heading for, but a turning-point in her life. She realized now, despite the excitement and relief she felt at the sight of the mansion, the journey itself had been the turning point in her life, not necessarily the end of it.
"I feel strange," she said at last, slightly bemused, "to be here. With all of you."
"It's a bit absurd, yeah," Russel murmured back. Hell, if anyone had told him that he would be standing at the gate of an elf's house somewhere in rural China with the present odd company, he wouldn't have believed it either.
"How old do you think?" Anne said, gazing at Mona, who cocked her head, a thoughtful expression on her face.
"Hard to tell. It is not a very common structure for this region."
"It doesn't look very…unused," Russel mused.
"I'm sure Baeron had people taking care of it at least twice a year," Haldir sighed. He turned to glance at Legolas, then. "How do we get in?"
"Yes, how do we? They key was in my backpack and it's lost now," Irulan said ruefully.
"I found another entrance," the Mirkwood elf replied, "and opened the door from inside."
"Another entrance?" Irulan craned her neck to him, a curious expression on her face.
"Baeron always had an emergency exit in his structures. Though he might not have built this one, I was sure that he would still have it installed. It's an architect's inevitable habit, I suppose."
Irulan didn't say anything for a long moment when a similar shadow crossed their faces at the memory of the last time they had used such an exit and Legolas feared that the mention of it would darken her mood. But it was a mere "Good," that she mumbled before she turned to look ahead again. He urged the horse on and they remained silent as a group for the rest of the ride.
The closer they came, the more awed Irulan felt. What seemed to be big from their former viewing point grew even more gigantic with every step. At last they had to crane their necks to gaze up at the house that, seen from this up-close, revealed a residence roughly but very efficiently carved into the mountain of rock behind it. This was not unusual for her, since she had seen a similar architectural feat in Egypt, but Russel and Anne gasped in unison, their eyes gliding over the door that seemed to be beaten of iron and bronze and that hung slightly ajar now, promising a whole castle behind it and not merely the house of a single person. Ornamental Chinese roofs were hacked into the blue-grey stone and small slits of windows gaped in a wild array from here and there, oddly distributed but overall very pleasant to the eye. Irulan let her eyes wander up and noticed that windows were visible in very high points of the rock as well, which promised this to be a multi-floored structure.
She shook her head slightly, smiling despite herself. "I think Baeron had a thing for grandeur," she chuckled into the awed silence.
Haldir joined her, gliding from his horse. "I'm afraid THAT is an inevitable elven habit."
He held out his hand and Anne grasped it absent-mindedly, stumbling from her saddle, her eyes still glued ahead. "I've never seen anything like this."
"Baeron had a taste for the unique, too," Legolas replied, helping Irulan down.
"I would say he had taste, period," Anne laughed. "I mean it's gorgeous. In a weird way."
"I'll take care of the horses," Mona said then. "And prepare something to eat. You go on inside."
Legolas nodded, then turned to Irulan. His smile spoke both of gravity and of amusement and his voice gentle as he held out his hand. "Ready?"
Irulan took a deep breath, inevitably remembering a not so long ago time when she and Baeron had stood just like this in Egypt, eyeing Bentanta's tomb and trying to sort through their own heap of sentiments. But it had been vastly different, that experience. That had been amongst hot, crusty dunes; this was in the lush, misty company of trees. Where there had been fear and the anxiety of flight, now there was satisfaction and the relief of arrival. Where there were only two people, afraid and so dearly in need of one another for support, now there was half a dozen, divided perhaps for the outer eye but stitched together by irrevocable bonds.
'Still,' she sighed mentally, sliding her hand into his, 'we were just like this. Standing ready to face the past.' That similarity alone seemed to overpower all differences. She gazed at the house again, yawning in its eternal slumber and waiting for them to enter its domain, and thought of how now SHE seemed to have taken Baeron's place and had arrived to a portal that held the dear memory of a lost one. "I am," she whispered to Legolas, a little absent-minded. And then with the remembrance of a burning day in Egypt, "Let us set the battlements on fire."
It was damp and cool inside and it smelled of moss, earth and rain. Haldir had been right - despite Irulan's unwavering belief that there would be a chaotic clutter of dust and broken heap of furniture and all the other deeds of an untamed nature, as soon as they entered through the heavy gate (like there had been in Egypt), they were only greeted by an orderly albeit a bit neglected home. It was obvious that Baeron's Chinese staff was taking their work far more serious than his Egyptian one. It was dusty of course, for the shutters of a few windows had broken during storms, drawing a myriad of leaf and root into the house, but not overly so, for despite those mishappenings, the insulation of the place seemed not only intact, but genius as well.
The entrance gave way to a very large room with high ceilings. It was furnished with couches, armchairs and tables, a few cupboards, but these things appeared minor in its vastness. The walls were smoothed roughly to give it a rectangular-like shape, but Baeron had kept the original texture of the stone as well, so it looked almost like a natural formation. A series of high windows over the door were illuminating the chamber. Three rough-cut halls on the three walls led further into the mountain while a solid looking wooden staircase was built into the far end of the room and seemed to open to a second floor, overseeing the entrance hall.
"How did he cut it into the mountain like this?" Russel murmured.
"With much effort, no doubt," Haldir said softly in reply then grinned at the other man's expression. "I'm afraid architecture was never my strongest point."
"What is this sound? It's like…"
"Water, yes," Legolas said smoothly to Anne. "I think there is a hot spring passing below this structure. Baeron probably used it to draw hot water through the walls to heat this place."
"Wow. It surely exceeded my expectations," was the blonde's reply. "I mean I thought we would find a cottage or something. What about you, Irulan?" Irulan tensed slightly and gave her friend a cool glance. She still wasn't on speaking terms with Anne and felt like there was much to be cleared up before they would be, again. If not the strength of her argument, her pride prevented her from becoming too friendly too soon.
"I knew better than that, of course," was her aloof reply that earned her a glance from the elves and a rolling of eyes from Anne, but no verbal comment. She squeezed Legolas' hand a little and tentatively walked on, towards the exiting hallways.
"Have you been around, Legolas? Where does this one lead to?"
Legolas gave the dark hall a thoughtful look. "I came through the one on the right. But..let us explore, if you wish."
Irulan gave him a grin and he smiled back, a similar excitement on his face as he kissed her hand in their entwined grip.
"Let's!" she whispered, almost giddy. "Don't get lost, Russel!" she called to him over her shoulder.
"I'm sure I'll be fine, thank you," was his dry reply.
Although they were all tired both physically and spiritually, the lure of the unknown seemed too strong to resist at the moment. Sure, they could settle, eat first and then go about the business, but Irulan was in no mood to be deterred and took the first step that led into the darkness, almost expecting to come face to face with an unknown era, never experienced by her. The others grouped around Haldir who led them into another hallway.
Although there were no spoken or pre-determined decisions, it seemed natural that Irulan and Legolas would part from the others - as if their journey meant something different than a simple sightseeing.
So she took a deep breath, tried to waft away the excitement and the urge to run right ahead, and finally chose the middle corridor and stepped into the darkness with Legolas by her side. Moments later he told her to wait. She couldn't see much in the dark, but his sight was enough to pick one of the many lanterns on the wall and light it before he found her hand again and proceeded to walk.
It would be too long to explain the twists and turns of the house, here. Enough is to say that it was a maze consisting of chambers, connected to one another via high tunnels, most short, but some rather long enough to give the impression that they were drawing aimless wandering circles inside the mountain. They passed dripping caves with pools of water, crossed small bridges over dark gaps only to arrive in another room, furnished as if it was in the middle of a modern Chinese city and bright enough to make the lantern needless. As she walked, Irulan began to understand that the rooms were aligned towards the perimeter of the rock and seemed therefore always bright and sunny, while several hallways reached into more inner and darker sections to reveal other, unlighted chambers used as depots or cellars.
She had no idea how a man could come up with as strange a blueprint as this one, but found it incredibly exciting to stroll in a settlement that almost seemed alien to her. It didn't make any sense at all, and yet seemed to have its own inner logic and plan. "It's not practical at all!" she breathed as they left another dark dripping cave behind to emerge in another sunlit room.
Legolas chuckled. "It wasn't meant to be, I think." He gazed around the chamber, nodding at the beautiful tapestries and the large, red-curtained bed. "He didn't really reside here all the time, don't forget. And even if he did… I have the strong suspicion that Baeron liked his surroundings a bit…chaotic."
"How come no one stole this?" Irulan said, her eyes resting on some large vases standing around in dusty royalty.
"Perhaps it's not very precious. I think he would keep his more treasured belongings in a safer place. Alas," he added with a sigh then, "I don't think anyone but me could have entered this place without a key, anyway." She gazed at the windows. These were wider because they seemed to be hacked into an almost smooth face of the rock that wouldn't allow anyone to climb through, but she had noticed that most of the other windows were very small and slit-like to prevent anyone from fitting through.
She walked to the bed, hesitating before she pulled the curtain away to reveal a rather clean and made bed. "Oh my God. I feel like it's been years since I've last slept in a bed!"
Legolas chuckled softly behind her before she felt his arms encircling her waist. "And I feel like it has been centuries since WE slept in the same bed."
"Legolas!" she laughed despite herself and tried to break his embrace as he kissed her neck in a playful manner. ⌠Are you out of your mind?"
"Completely so. Even an elf can take only so much!"
"Let's go back!" she urged, wiggling in his arms, but he had no intentions of loosening his hold.
"What for? Let us stay a little." With that he pushed her and Irulan gasped with surprise before she fell on the bed. She had time to turn around before Legolas was above her, pinning her into the mattress. She laughed again. "We didn't even start exploring yet!" she said finally with a whine.
"Aren't you tired?" He wiped away hair from her face before he placed a gentle kiss on her temple. "It has been more than two hours."
"Really?" She felt the tiredness creeping up to her, then, as if having only waited for someone to say it. "I think I am," she added with a yawn. She gave the bed a wishful look. It smelled old but Irulan was more than willing to give it a chance rather than pass one more day on the floor.
Legolas smiled down at her. "Sleep here, then. We can continue later."
Irulan looked at the window and noticed that the light seemed to be a bit darker. She shook her head finally. "Not before I have a bath. I smell dreadful!"
He chuckled again and rose first to grasp her hand. "Eating wouldn't be a bad idea, either. You will need your energy for later," was his sly addition.
Irulan bit down a smile and tried to look confused. "What for?"
Legolas, who seemed to be in a better mood with every passing hour laughed again and pulled her out of the room. "Testing my will-power, Irulan? Because I can relieve you from that duty by simply saying in a few hours I will run out of it utterly and completely." He grinned at the blush that crept up her face and at her exasperated expression, pulling her further through the dark hall.
The three woman sitting in the hot pool of water were silent at first. Each seemed focused solely on the sound of dripping water, the warmth of it on their skin and the soft glow of lanterns in the cave. Irulan had never thought that a warm bath could feel so good - it was like a gift from heaven after all the dust-covered and filth-filled days in the wild. She thought of epics that dealt with that sort of adventure and decided that everyone had to be stinking horrendously in reality.
She sighed and rubbed her arms again. "Does it live up to your expectations?" Mona said gently from beside her. "The house, I mean."
"Oh, so much more than my expectations!" Irulan sighed, leaning her head on the brim of the pool. "I didn't get the chance to go through it yet. It's so big!"
She saw Mona nodding from the corner of her eye. "I'm afraid it doesn't hold many artifacts as his other estates would. There is no one here to guard it."
Irulan nodded absent-mindedly. She had, of course, been a little disappointed by the emptiness of it, after having expected heaps of items in each chamber. But it made sense - why would Baeron preserve his most treasured valuables in this estate when he had no one to protect it or no possible system to secure it? Legolas had said that she would find far more in his more urban settlements that had proper alarm systems and security.
On the other hand, the disappointment was only mild. "You know...I think it's the journey itself that was the important part."
The silence stretched on for a few minutes and finally Mona said "You have come a long way, King-daughter."
Irulan blinked and met the warm brown gaze. "I have, haven't I?" she said slowly.
Mona nodded only once. "Where will you go from here?"
Irulan knew of course that Mona wasn't asking about an actual traveling plan. She shrugged a little shyly, uncertain of the future but certain of one thing. "Wherever I go, I won't go alone anymore."
Mona smiled with satisfaction and glanced at Anne who, keeping her distance to Irulan, was gazing blankly into the water, seemingly unsure of what to do with herself. "And you, Anne?"
The blonde woman started at that, suddenly self-conscious. "Me? What about me?"
Irulan gave her friend a sidelong glance and sighed deftly. She had never been good at holding a grudge and although she was really mad at her friend, too much had passed between them to make this action break them apart. She thought of saying something like 'She'll continue her education and get a master's degree in meddling,' but quickly decided against it. She didn't like to be snappy. Especially in a warm pool at the end of a hard journey. "What do you mean, what about you?" she said with slight exasperation. "You know what this is about."
Anne, at first a bit surprised that Irulan had spoken to her -and not in a chastisising voice, either- blinked, then pursed her lips and continued staring into the water. "I don't know," she mumbled at last. She gave the other women a sidelong glance that spoke of a desire to express herself but also a well-guarded defense. "I mean...a lot has happened. I haven't digested most of it yet."
Irulan waited a while longer, then asked in a casual tone "What about Russel?"
To her surprise, Anne blushed. Despite herself, Irulan felt a certain satisfaction and slyness at the vision. It was somewhat exhilarating to see Anne fumbling for words. The blonde cleared her throat and sunk a little lower into the water. "Stop, Irulan," she mumbled at last. "It's hard enough as it is."
Irulan didn't answer immediately but gazed at the ceiling, dancing with light and shadow high above them. "It's so strange. How our feelings clash with our mental barriers or the social reserves we bound ourselves to."
"Did you know about Russel?" Anne asked suddenly and if she didn't know better, Irulan would think that she sounded angry.
"No!" she said defensively, almost immediately snapping out of the dreamy mood. Then a moment later. "Well...I had a hunch about it..."
Anne's blue eyes widened. "A HUNCH? How come you never told me?"
She shrugged. "It was only a feeling...and not always. I mean I wasn't really sure about it and I never thought it out. Besides, you seem to see everything so perfectly clear, I figured that you'd be wiser in it."
It was meant to be stingy but Anne's reply was rather rueful. "I had no clue! Absolutely none!"
"It must have been hard for Russel," Mona said softly just then and both women turned to look. Mona, though, seemed unaware of their interest and their exchanged raised eyebrows. "To hide it from everyone."
Irulan shifted a little and thought that she had finally caught the chance to prod Mona a little. "What I don't get," she said with innocence, "why he would hide it."
Mona parted the water with her arms a couple of times, like a butterfly lazily testing her wings. "It is a complicated thing - emotions. Who knows his reasons?"
"Well what do YOU think?"
Mona sighed. "I would assume that he was afraid more than anything."
"Afraid?"
"Don't be so surprised, Anne," Irulan said dryly. "He was probably afraid that you'd chew his head off."
"I would not!" Anne protested, then with a more controlled voice "That's ridiculous. Me and Russel are best friends. He knows better than expect a reaction like that from me."
"Really?" Mona said dreamily and fixed her brown orbs on her. "I think his fear was BECAUSE he was your best friend. Tell me Anne," was her languid addition, "now that you know...can you go back to things as they were?"
Anne squirmed a little under the stare of the other two, opened her mouth a couple of times for a witty reply, then decided against it. "No," she whispered finally. "No, I don't think I can."
Mona nodded, her eyes speaking of curiosity and understanding. "So he has lost you. No matter what the answer now, he has lost you as the friend that you were to him before."
"That's not true," Anne said, obviously disturbed. A short silence stretched. "Who said that we can't be friends AND more?" she added with frustration.
"Who indeed?" Mona grinned almost wolfishly.
At that, the blonde woman blushed a little once more and diverted her gaze.
"Are you saying that you're going to go out with Russel!" Irulan's voice boomed in the silence and she herself cringed at the disbelief in it.
"No!" was Anne's perhaps too hasty reply. "No, of course not."
Since the declaration all Irulan had wished had been this reply. She remembered the sharp jealousy she had felt earlier that day and the sensation of solitude. She remembered her own inner panic at the thought of something so dear to her changing for good and leaving her in the open. She also remembered, of course, the inner voice that protested such comments and argued how she had chosen Legolas and that this meant a change on her own behalf. It was selfish, she had thought, to think that one could change as she wanted but no one else should.
So she had wished secretly for this answer from Anne. Therefore her response surprised her more than the other occupants in the pool: "You will REFUSE him!"
Anne blinked in surprise and found herself unable at the tone of bafflement and anger. "Refu...It's not like he ASKED for anything, Irulan!"
"Well he did!" she protested. "I mean in an indirect way."
Anne, still surprised by the looks of it just gave her a long, blank look. "The last person who should talk about subtle messages and hints and 'indirect requests' is you and you know it. You don't see anything until its rammed up your nose."
She waved the comment away (since it was true) and while a part of her mind wondered how suddenly she sounded very much like Anne herself, her mouth babbled on. "If you do, it'll break his heart! You can't do that."
"You want me to go out with Russel?" Anne said, baffled beyond words.
"No, of course not," Irulan said hotly. There was a long silence as they looked at each other, both equally clueless and frustrated. "Well, maybe," she said sheepishly at last.
"You can't be serious!" Anne replied. She had regained her composure, judging by her tone.
Irulan rubbed her forehead. "You heard what Mona said. You can't go back. You will either have to go further or...make this awkward silent pact with him to remain friends when both of you know that it's make-believe."
"But I mean..." Anne groped for words, "I mean...we CAN'T go out! It'll be so weird!"
Irulan gave a sidelong glance to Mona who was listening with silent interest. She chose her next words carefully, aiming for Mona more than Anne. "Look, Anne...I mean it's obvious at this point that none of us will marry a farmer and have five kids. It's...we aren't ordinary people and we should start to get used to the idea of having not so ordinary lives." She broke off for a moment, thinking all her words were foolish, then forced herself to continue and hopefully somewhere along to the way to make sense, as well. "Personally I think Russel is a great guy. And he knows you better than anyone else. I mean if a guy knows your disgusting, ugly, dark side and still loves you, that must be true love." Anne was looking at her as if she had hit her head. Hard. "You can work it out over time anyway," she said, dismissively, suddenly having lost interest in the conversation.
"Well...like I said...I don't know," mumbled Anne. A long moment passed in silence. Then "I'm sorry Irulan. I really am. You know that, right?"
"I know that," Irulan said softly, her thoughts far away. "It's not easy to accept it...but at least I know you're sincere."
That marked the end of the conversation. All three women grew quiet and drifted into their own thoughts for a while and finally they rose to get dressed and leave the cave to the men.
Irulan walked into the great hall as darkness set. There was an enormous canopy of stars overhead and she smelled the bamboo once more, moving with a strange music outside the house. The darkness was incredible - almost overpowering, but the Moon shone bright and strong. She ventured out the open doors into the cool night and stood there, gazing into the dark forest. Standing here, it wasn't hard to imagine that time had bypassed this place and that they were somewhere in a pocket, in ancient China. Inevitably she thought how many times Baeron must have stood here, in his solitude, and gazed into this same forest. She wondered what thoughts must have crossed his mind and whether he had ever felt as alone and small as she felt right now.
She stood for a long time. Another cool gust of air blew by her and she hugged herself, shivering a little. Something soft and warm was draped across her shoulders then and Irulan jumped despite herself. "You shouldn't stand out here. You're not fully recovered yet."
She smiled as he came to stand beside her. It always surprised her to see how handsome Legolas really was. But she had realized one thing - his beauty was not merely a physical one. It was the fact that he was a bundle of the past, clinging madly to the present and fighting for a better future. More than anything else, at this moment Irulan felt proud to be the one he had chosen to stand beside him in his long, tedious and lonely journey through life. 'And for how long will that be?' she thought to herself just then. A different darkness from the one surrounding here crept into her heart at the thought. It was far more depressing and sad. 'Is this how every woman feels when she is in love with an elf?'
"You are troubled," Legolas said, a smile in his voice.
Irulan started, becoming aware of his intense gaze. "It seems so long ago," she whispered, looking into the forest once more, "since we met. Rome seems so long ago right now." Legolas was silent but she felt his attentiveness in his silence. "I remember," she whispered with a sigh, "how I felt then. I think it was when I fell in love with you."
He didn't say anything. He had nothing to say. But more than that, he wished her to continue. He wished her never to stop. This was what they should have been talking about - not grief, anger and the regrets of the past. The precious little time they had had together hadn't allowed them the luxuries all other lovers shared and took for granted. He waited out in silence, hoping to hear more of her heart.
"When you guided me through the market…remember?" He nodded, not sure if she could see the gesture, but she continued. "I don't think I was aware of it then. I would have denied it for sure if you'd asked me," was the more amused addition. "But as we walked through that crowd and you spoke of old Rome…and then of how no one has really loved you before…" Her voice broke and she looked up at him, a curious anxiety in her expression. "Do you remember?"
"How could I forget?" he whispered.
"What makes one fall in love with another, Legolas?"
He knew that look. The look that mortals seem to have reserved for elvenkind only. The look that made them appear as children, looking up for an answer from the wiser, the older, the smarter ones they trusted so much. Alas, in this he was neither wiser, nor smarter. Life taught many important things, but, he had discovered, it really taught none of the really important things. His fingers came up to her cheek and he caressed her face, hoping that it would wipe the sadness and the confusion away. "I don't know, my love," he said at last. "They say it is a need, answered with a need in kind. But I know it's more than that. Perhaps it's the rediscovery of a bond, that exists somewhere beyond the plane of this life." Irulan nodded, as if the reply had really been an answer to her burning question. "Does it matter?" he said finally.
"No," Irulan sighed again and turned away from the forest to gaze up at him. "At this moment, nothing matters that much." This time it was her turn to smile and reach up to touch his cheek. His eyes glittered with apprehension, but he made no move other than that. "I have missed you, Legolas. More than I could have imagined missing anyone." She was silent for a moment and he thought he heard the drumming of his own heart. It felt so strange to be so excited at this moment. What was this talent of hers that made him feel so awkwardly young again? "Now that I'm here with you…" her fingers glided down his chin and played wit the buttons of his shirt while she frowned and spoke own, almost absent-minded, "…I find it hard to believe that once I thought I could live an entire lifetime without you."
The silence of the night stretched between them and Legolas felt as if the whole world was watching their exchange. The stars in their cold glittering envy, the trees in their trembling admiration, the beasts in their silent desire. None so lucky as him. He finally managed to whisper her name and it was all he felt capable of saying. He didn't think there was anything left to say, anyway.
The kiss that followed was full of promise. The promise of a time when he would make up for his mistakes and erase them so absolutely, that even the memory of them would be wiped away. The promise of a future that held the unthinkable for him - eternal happiness. For what could the world do to him now, to overpower the bliss Irulan had granted him.
His hands grasped her shoulders, then coursed down to her waist to press her against him as his hunger translated into a kiss that was like flame to fire - feeding it further and further, to the point that he thought he would die if she refused him now. Irulan broke the kiss, gasping for breath as he groaned in disappointment and sought her lips again. She turned from him and he kissed her face, her neck, her jawline instead, feeling himself coming awake as if breaking the crust of a long hibernation that had lasted many, many winters. An incredible need built in him, further and further, the like he could not remember himself having felt before. The need to possess, to consume, to conquer.
"Legolas…" she gasped as her lips closed on her earlobe and he smiled at the shudder that ran through her, remembering this reaction just like he remembered all her weaknesses.
"If you seek to refuse me now," he growled into her ear, before he suckled on it once more while she wiggled in his arms, "it is too late. I don't have the strength to wait any longer."
"Nor do I," was her surprising whisper in reply. Legolas drew back and gave her a long, smoldering look. At last, it was desire that clouded her eyes. Not anger or annoyance. Not stubbornness or desperation. He thought that she had never looked so beautiful.
A moment later Irulan found herself in his arms as he purposefully strode to the gate, then continued in the dimness of the fluttering lanterns into a corridor. She laughed a little despite herself. "I can walk, you know."
"Not fast enough," was his curt reply as they entered one of the caves, but Legolas didn't slow down and crossed the rock bridge with graceful determination.
"Where are the others?"
"I neither know, nor care," he said, locking eyes with her.
Irulan swallowed, suddenly feeling already stripped naked by that gaze alone. It was true that Legolas was an incredibly passionate lover. That had been more than obvious even the first time they had made love. But tonight he was…ablaze. He was sundering with a need she hadn't seen in him before. If the past months of denial had served as some sort of foreplay for this night, she wasn't sure if she would survive it. "You know…I'm still sore from the riding," she stammered and he grinned with a grin that could only be a promise for further soreness. "And you said yourself that I haven't recovered fully yet…"
"Save your breath, Irulan," he cut in, amused. "You will need it."
She remained silent then, trembling in her own excitement as caves, bridges, rooms and halls passed them by like alien objects in a wonderland. When they finally reached the room Irulan had seen earlier that day, she thought she would collapse as soon as he set her on her feet. Thankfully he sat her on the bed instead and instantly his fingers grasped the roots of her hair, forcing her head towards him as he crept up the bed and almost languidly continued the kiss. It was not as aggressive this time, but even more passionate. All the words, the witty remarks, the curt comments escaped her mind, then. The world shrank back into something warm and fuzzy. There was simply nothing else but this man in her arms and his solid, unchanging love for her. After the passion faded, the flesh rotted, the mind faltered, there was this spirit she could fall back onto. It was a gift - hammered into shape for her from a metal that was known as unbendable, unbreakable.
Irulan closed her eyes and allowed herself a respite from everything else. The memory of their last night together in Legolas' castle in England swam back and slammed into her heart. It surprised her how the intimacy and physical connection with this man seemed to weaken everything in comparison. Also, how it washed away the urge to hold back, to hang on to her mistrust, to step back into caution and reserve. She had forgiven him, hadn't she? In the end, she really had. That forgiveness had also huffed away all the doubts she had regarding this affair. The plain and simple truth was, she was in love with Legolas and she wanted him by her side. How that would work out in the outside world -back in her own world- was not valid at this moment. What kind of sacrifices this decision entailed would be something she would ponder upon later. Right now, here in China, she was wanted and needed in a fashion nobody had ever wanted or needed her before and she would follow that call.
What did every single living creature want and seek other than to love and being loved in return, anyway? This summit, reserved to so few lucky souls, spread before her now and Irulan let herself feel the fragile, wild soar of love, along with the sweet relief of being loved in return.
And Legolas did love her.
As if in need to prove the dimensions of it, he strived to show it in any way he could muster - sometimes passionate and demanding, sometimes tender and careful, at other times reckless and joyful. His fingers re-discovered every inch of her body as if he wanted to mark it as his forever. Irulan, always strangely feeling more feminine in his presence than in the presence of any other, suppressed every other protest and reveled in that feeling. She had learned by now that Legolas' claim of her didn't hold any underestimation or the desire to overpower. She knew that when he possessed her, it was far from a person possessing an article. So she didn't feel timid in the face of his masculinity or his aggressiveness. If he felt the need to assure himself, her and everyone else that Irulan was his, and if that assertion was going to give him the long-sought inner peace, then she would not block his way any longer.
She opened up to him and he felt it, his eyes locking on hers as their passion became something of frightening vitality. It was the last barrier between them - her mistrust in the nature of his claim, her 21st century mind that could not grasp a different sort of equality between man and woman, her unwillingness to give herself wholly and fully to a man - and Irulan lifted it away as if lifting the duvet of her bridal gown to expose her true face. No one else would, but Legolas felt and understood the measure of her gift and he seemed momentarily disbelieving in the face of it. He halted and a strange calmness came over him as he gazed at her for what seemed a long time but was in fact merely seconds. He touched her cheek then, eyes never leaving hers, as if to assess his ownership, his territory. Irulan watched him, silent but not afraid or timid. Even though she had never really faced a crossroads as this one, she knew instinctively that there were moments that demanded sacrifices - any kind of sacrifice. When she had first met Legolas and a bud of possibility had dared to bloom between them, she had hoped to believe that despite the chasm of difference between them, it wouldn't mean a relationship entirely different from the ones she had had before and that the only difference would have been an improvement. The days and events that followed had proved her wrong. Now she knew better and the choice she was facing was simple and black and white. The path that led to Legolas didn't mean convenience or necessarily comfort. It was a road that gave a lot but also took a lot in return.
Legolas the elf, the man, the figurehead of the Circle certainly meant major changes in her life. And not all of them were changes of her life-style. For one thing, it was in his nature to invade and to possess. He was used to getting what he wanted and every time he wanted it. He also was used to leading, to being the decision-maker and the one who pulled the other. Certainly there were elements to him that softened the picture - his kindness, his politeness, his grace or his deep care and love for her, for instance. But they didn't change the entire picture and now that Irulan was gazing at it, she knew that if she agreed to be with Legolas, it meant a life very different from the one she was leading today. For instance, a trip such as the one she was in at the moment, would be impossible for her in the upcoming future. It was unthinkable to walk away from Legolas and embark on a solitary adventure. Irulan knew that he would respect her privacy and would even -despite his own wishes- grant her the chance to do things alone sometimes. Of all people, Legolas would probably the person who understood the need for solitude most. But he would never allow her to walk out in the manner she had - unprepared, unknowing, untied and uncaring.
The kiss on the corner of her lips parted her thoughts and she looked up to see a smiling Legolas leaning closer, his breath caressing her skin as he enfolded her into a tighter embrace. Though there had been no words between them, it was evident that he had felt her offer and had accepted it with graceful gratitude. He kissed her temple and Irulan closed her eyes, dwelling in the momentary respite from the smoldering passion.
And then it occurred to her that she wasn't the only one who would make sacrifices. As a matter of fact, maybe she would be the one making the least of sacrifices. It would be stupid to think that a relationship of this magnitude didn't mean immense change for Legolas, either. After all, he was the unattached, untamable bachelor of all times. He was a man of duty and of mission and perhaps for the first time, was facing the option of being something more than simply a soldier for the fate of the human race. She smiled deftly and embraced him back, suddenly aware of how selfish she had become. How selfish this single life in a modern world had made her. And how wary and cautious and uncaring of anyone else.
"I love you," she whispered into his neck. There had to be more memorable, more important things to say but at the moment this was all she could think of and it seemed to be all that mattered.
When Legolas answered it wasn't with words but by touch. A touch that encompassed an entire night and blew her spirit out from her body to soar in an ocean of pleasure and bliss and soar again and once more until she knew that she had to return to the world or die. It was with reluctance but the choice of the inevitable that she chose life. And Legolas, of course. He held her through the trembling aftershock, soothing her spirit with the gentle caress of his hands. Until his passion soared again and forced a similar passion from her, something that fed on her and at the same time fed her.
So they flew through the night, as an entwined ball of fire and flame, sometimes floating in the calmness that was either after or before the storm, sometimes diving into the wild burst of nature, then back into clear skies again. Somewhere in the back of her mind Irulan knew that this was far more than a mere, lustful physical union and when the façade of passion fled into the background to give enough room for rational thought, she was absolutely sure of it – nothing physical could ever be this powerful. Then the flesh took over again and she surrendered to it, allowed herself to be led by the surety of his touch, the truth of his spirit.
The hours crept by but time meant nothing to her in this strange place, so far from everything she knew and yet so familiar because she shared it with someone who was closer to her than she thought anyone could be. Between the cry of the body and the song of the spirit, the ache of tiredness, the joy of love, the relief of having come to a final decision, night turned into dawn and even the strongest urge of intimacy became too weak to answer. Irulan crawled into his embrace, feeling a strange buzz pulsing from her, feeling tired and energized, happy and oddly sad, small and yet so very, very important at the same time. Here in the warmth of his embrace, with his lips on her temple she was as safe and content as in her mother's womb. It seemed then that if nothing else, this sentiment of utter safety and peace was reason enough to give all she had to Legolas so that he would keep her here, where she finally belonged.
"If I die tonight, I will die happy," she mumbled into his neck, not really conscious of her words and already prepared to dive into much needed sleep.
His open palm glided to her waist and he pressed another kiss on her temple. "Don't speak like that," was the whisper of a reply.
Against the urge to sleep and rest, she forced her thoughts into motion, as if the conversation was vital. "Why?"
A long moment passed in silence and Irulan fell almost asleep when she was stirred once again by his solemn reply. "Why speak about death now at the threshold of life?"
She sighed and pulled back a little, focusing on his face. Legolas smiled and placed a long, warm kiss on the crook between her shoulder and her neck before he reclined again, his fingers slightly massaging her hip. Perhaps he tried to look confident, but despite the overwhelming fragrance and the glorious sight, Irulan felt the slightest nudging of a thorn somewhere in the shadowy corners of that rose bush. Her fingers touched his jaw and her eyes held his as their breathing slowly lost its harsh edge. "We will all die one day, won't we?" she mumbled. It was odd – to talk about this to someone who surely must know the fact far better than herself and feel the need of a strange persuasion, simply because Legolas seemed to steer away from it. "I mean it's only natural. For humans," she added finally.
Still that guarded gaze in his eyes and that peculiar tightness to his lips. He didn't answer immediately but played with her hair, brushing away the strands that hung to her face. "It is far ahead for you yet," was his rather dismissive reply at the end.
"You don't know that," she sighed, suddenly too tired to continue.
"Yes, I do!"
The authority and protest in his voice puffed her sleep away and Irulan started from her daze. She looked at his expression that spoke of fury under a tight lid and slowly forced herself to wake further, because there seemed to be something really absurd happening here. Absurd because she couldn't imagine fighting over so unlikely a matter with Legolas after having made love for hours. But he looked too serious to laugh it away, so she frowned and waited until the right words came to her mind.
"Don't be childish, Legolas," she said slowly, a smile spreading on her lips despite herself. "I shouldn't be the one to tell you that."
"Exactly," he mumbled somewhat sternly and planted another kiss on her forehead, attempting to gather her into his embrace again.
But Irulan, her curiosity piqued by his attitude as well as her restlessness about the topic as it had been nudging her for days now returning, gently pushed him away. He gave her a questioning and disturbed glance and waited out her silence. "I have been thinking about this," she said slowly at last, then swallowed. She thought of Cate and their conversation a few weeks ago in New York when they had met by chance. Or had it been chance? Cate, who at last had won what she had desired for over a decade – the option of being with Jonathan forever. Until now, Irulan had only felt disbelief at the idea of it. Her relationships had spun hardly over a year and a couple of years –no, a couple of decades or even centuries- to spend with someone seemed too difficult to grasp for her mortal mind. And yet…she glanced at the silent and expectant man at her side…yet, what if that man was Legolas?
Still, she would never dare to think of immortality. It was unnatural and frightening to her and since she wasn't born that way, she didn't think that she had what it would take to face it. Despite a rather tempting idea of having more time with Legolas and living that time in her prime, without the fear of age creeping onto her. No, it was out of question.
So she would age. Then die. Till now, it was only natural. Now, lying here with Legolas and loving someone as much as she loved him, it was also…sad?
"And?" was his quiet and somewhat anxious question that brought her back.
"And," sighed Irulan, combing his soft hair through her fingers, "I don't know what to think. I mean…it's…it's strange to me now. The fact that I will grow older and you will always be the same. The fact that I will…"
"It is strange for you to think that far ahead," he interrupted, a mild fierceness in his tone once more. At her look of irritation he gathered her palm and gave it another signature kiss. "Age would only add to your beauty anyway," he continued, forcing himself to sound more seductive instead of displeased. "You know you could loose nothing by it."
His second attempt to kiss her was thwarted as well. "No kidding! Legolas, instead of avoiding it, you could try to help me understand it, you know."
"Not tonight," was his tired reply. The truth of the matter was, he would not. Not tonight, not any other night. He knew only too well what Irulan meant, of course. He had been bitten by the beast of mortality too many times not to know. The pain of loss. The protest against the inevitable. This was where his might and power ran out. This was a realm he could not step into, much less do any deed about. He was banned from the road she had to take and the thought alone sent a punch to his stomach. He dared not face it. He would not face it. Childish it might be, but Legolas felt that he had deserved the right to be a little childish at this point.
"When, then?"
"If you are not too tired to ask bleak questions, maybe I should use that to my advantage," he said and this time kissed her soundly on the lips, ignoring her struggle. He moved to lie on top of her, catching her face between his hands and prolonging the kiss. She relented at last. Not because she was through with the questions but because she was indeed too tired to prove a match for his stamina. He pulled back to look at her and smiled at her expression that spoke of anger, love and exhaustion at the same time. "But if you are good and quiet," he whispered, then leaned in to kiss her ear, "I will be patient."
Irulan exhaled in frustration, shot his smug expression an angry look, then resigned from her intention. "Fine, I guess," she mumbled. He smiled broader, gave her a softer kiss before sliding off her and forcing her to return to his embrace as he pulled the cover over her back. She was silent for a few moments, but Legolas could feel the restlessness underneath that and was ready for the small protest that followed. "But…"
"Don't," he cut in smoothly, forestalling her. 'I will not face it,' he thought to himself, mentally shuddering at the idea of death and loss. Especially at a night like this. She quieted and despite the feeling that he had maybe hurt her by ignoring to deal with her problem, he allowed it to fade away. Knowing Irulan, she would bring it up sooner or later anyway, so what was the haste? For now, all he wanted to do was to lie here in contentment and enjoy the fact that he had achieved his heart's desire.
"Why?" she whispered many minutes later, when he was almost certain that she had fallen asleep.
He almost shook his head. So like Aragorn! The only thing that Aragorn had given up had been his life at the very end – and that because he was convinced that it was the right thing to do. That path of thought brought unease into his heart once more and Legolas frowned, disturbed at the betrayal of his own mind. "Because your timing is wrong," he said aloud, trying to be as gentle as he could. What he really wanted to say was 'Because I won't let it happen! Because you will live and never taste death and decay!' But he couldn't say that.
And then a very strange thing happened. Suddenly and very surprisingly Legolas realized that indeed, he COULD say that. He could even DO it. His heart jumped in his chest and his eyes flew open with the realization. Merely seconds later he had to suppress a laughter – laughter at his own stupidity at not having realized this before or at the joy of having found a solution to what seemed to be the meanest and greatest problem of all. And only moments after that bliss came the realization that in fact, he HAD thought about it – only not boldly. Never boldly. But secretly and deftly and wishfully. It was, he realized in the silence of the room with Irulan's warmth beside him, a shadow that he had been carrying around ever since he had fallen for her somewhere between the stroll in Italy and the wandering in France. At least that's what he could pinpoint, for he was not sure whether it had been far before that.
He shifted slightly to fold his arm on her back and listened to her slow, even breathing. Irulan, it seems, had taken his last protest as a decent explanation and decided to let it go. For now. Then he cautiously dared to glance into the eye of his mind again. 'Why not?' it said, almost with sly enjoyment. 'Many have done it before you. Many will do it still. It's no crime and certainly no vice. How else would it be for someone of your kind?'
Legolas took a deep breath and tried to still his heart in fear that Irulan would hear its gallop and wake. The excitement tingled in his belly and spread out to his limbs and he was about to let go to the glee when his conscience kicked in. 'She would never accept, you know this.'
Despair flickered in him at the truth of the statement. Irulan had confessed him many times that she had never considered immortality and would not do so, either. Her mortality was something that completed her – like the beauty of dark skin or slanted eyes. If all humans were the same perhaps there wouldn't have been any racial disputes or any kind of prejudice based on physical differences, true, but the beauty that made humans who they were, the wild variety would be lost as well. Mortality completed Irulan and he knew that the theft of it would leave her somehow…scarred and lacking.
'You are clouding your mind with nuances – minor details,' broke in the desire of his heart once more. 'She is not a combination of elements, she is not the sum of her parts. She will still be the same and maybe more after the Turn.' Legolas pursed his lips. He had tackled these and similar questions countless times since the issue of granting mortals eternal life had first begun as a practice. He had discussed it with others, pondered about it in solitude for long days, sought answers in anything he could get his hands on. But before this moment it had been a rhetorical and perhaps ethical complication – a scientific curiosity, a psychological puzzle. Something that was common at the border where elf and human met. Now, though, he could not deny that it had a very strong personal flavor to it and no objective comment would be satisfying to him any longer. Because now not only his mind, but also his heart had to be stilled.
'She would never accept,' he told himself. It seemed easier to turn from the path of temptation before one began to thread on it than to enter and to make one's way back. The statement carried such sadness with it, that Legolas felt his throat go dry and another, perhaps stronger part of him fought it relentlessly.
'Now, she wouldn't. But give her time. Time to love you, time to get used to you, time to need you and to desire you. Then, faced with the loss of it, she will see the wisdom in the choice.'
For a moment, it seemed like a cruel thing to think. It was like…well, manipulating her. And the idea that he had to manipulate Irulan into loving him was highly disturbing to say the least. What made this special was, after all, the fact that Legolas didn't have to BE a certain way to be loved by her. Maybe for the first time, this relationship didn't depend on his efforts to win someone over by sheer impressiveness and attractiveness or overwhelming grandeur. He was what he was and Irulan knew him –his weaknesses as well as his strengths, his defects as well as his gains- and she loved him anyway. She would love him more in time, as she got to know him better, of this he was certain, but he skirted from the idea of steering her into that course himself.
Then he realized that he didn't need to manipulate her to love him, exactly. He only had to manipulate her to act on that love. To accept something that in the long run would benefit not only him but also herself and well...certainly also all humanity. 'After all,' Legolas eagerly continued his deduction, she was an asset to the Circle and she would, no doubt, contribute much to it if she was given the means and time for it.
'And what of the madness that comes with the choice?' boomed a protest in him. That, he mentally waved away immediately. In the past, it had been a strong point in his own arguments against Turning mortals. But he had known even then that the mental instability was not always the case and that it was almost completely missing in the more recent conversions. The reason for that was not clear to him, but he had a sharp mind and infinite source of knowledge on his hands. If he put these to use, he had no doubt that he would discover much on the subject and eventually solve the mystery behind it. Then the threat of madness would not exist for Irulan or any other mortal who would dare to take the harder and less traveled road to immortality.
He smiled a contented smile. He had many years to silently work into Irulan's stubborn mind that this was not only an option, but a good one. Perhaps the best one. Maybe even an inevitable one. Years of intimacy when he could gently nudge her into first consideration, then open questioning and discussion and finally acceptance. It was a time he never had with Aragorn, who was too busy and distant from him to wedge these ideas into him. And he knew that Arwen had been dead against it so he had never stood a chance with his friend. But with Irulan it was different. It was rather hopeful.
It would have even been more hopeful if that dark, damned vision of his did not flare up in his head just then. The red stain on blue kimono, greedily drinking its fill from the fabric bloomed in his mind and he took a sharp breath, felling pure terror lingering in the corners of his heart, eager to stalk in. "It was a vision, nothing more!" he whispered fiercely into the darkness of the chamber and only then realized that he had actually spoken the words out loud. As if to make it stronger he repeated them. "It was a vision, nothing more. A bad dream, a hidden fear…some silly connection in my mind." He breathed deeply to throw off the sense of imbalance and slowly it ebbed away, probably driven off by the strength of his belief. On an impulse he kissed her temple, then leaned his cheek on it. Irulan was here, in his arms, safe and sound and that premonition had proven to be untrue, since they had managed to save her, after all. "You hold no threat any longer. Go away," he whispered into the night and it obeyed, lifting itself from his heart and fading away as bad, silly dreams should do.