A/N: Okay, so the angst isn't quite letting up yet, but it's still full of Carbyness! Hope you enjoy…and please review!

Disclaimer: Only Jess is my creation! I'm just playing with the rest.

If All Could Be Told

Chapter 6: Silence Defeated: Compassionate Friend.

She had it planned out; she'd calmly tell him and be able to leave. Simple. She moved away from the door. Carter shifted his body so she could sit next to him on the sofa. She sat silently, in the darkly lit room; it fitted the confessions of a darkened soul perfectly. She played idly with the throw that was underneath Carter. He desperately wanted to reach out and touch her, to hold her and take her pain away. He managed to restrain himself, as he gazed at her waiting for her to talk. She began slowly unable to meet the intense gaze he had fixed her with. She drew a deep breath in as she spoke. Willing any left tears to stay where they were.

"I was eighteen...In my freshman college year I met a guy called Jared, the result was Jess." She stopped expecting him to comment, he sat silently for a while then said, "I'm just going to listen...go on..."

She shifted further away from him as she continued to speak, "I had to drop out of college to look after my baby" She said 'baby' with a wistful affection accompanied by a sadness he had never seen from her. She carried on, "Jared got fed up pretty quickly, and split before she was three months"

She suddenly fell silent, bringing her knees up towards her chest and hugging them tightly, but now she had began to open up, Carter wanted her to tell all, afraid that she would close up on him again, "So you gave her up for adoption?" he questioned.

She began to laugh, which quickly gave way as sobs rose up in her throat, she let out a funny noise as she suppressed them, but a trickle from her eyes betrayed her emotion.

"I wish I could tell you that were wholly true" She said avoiding his eyes again.

"What happened Abby?" he knew he was close to the truth. Maybe then he could help her.

"Remember our first fudge sundae at Doc Magoo's?" Her face gave away a small smile at the memory, before it disappeared quickly. Carter nodded his answer, encouraging her to continue.

"I told you I'd been sober for six years...and that's true, but I'd first started drinking heavily in my teens, I guess I used it as a way to forget about Maggie…I'd moved out and moved on but I felt guilty about leaving Eric behind too. I'd had to leave my baby brother alone with her. It started towards the end of my senior high school year actually...it's amazing I ever graduated." She smiled lightly at this, but this expression quickly left her face. "Once I found out I was pregnant I managed to stop. I could feel the tiny baby inside me and it changed me for the better. But then she was born. Jared left me to it, now I was a single-mom, It was history repeating itself again, I was my mom. I was sure that I was going to develop the disease...old habits die hard I guess and its not an excuse but I drank...I shouldn't have, but I gave in and drank. Night after night I'd drink whilst my baby girl was asleep. I never neglected her; I just couldn't stop drinking… my neighbour popped in once, and saw the numerous empty beer and spirit bottles"

Tears streamed down her face. He felt her pain, he could never have imagined that the Abby he knew would do such a thing. He didn't believe it. He let her continue.

"This attracted their attention, when she was nine months. They called social services; they came round and offered me help with my drinking. I could have fought to get better, but I thought it was best to let her go to someone who would care for her properly. It was for the best. I just didn't realise how much I could love another person. At the time I was too numbed by the alcohol to see it. I could've fought, I should have fought to get better. I let them take my baby. Hell, I shouldn't have been so weak as to drink in the first place. She was just a baby."

"You were a still a child yourself" he said finally.

"Eighteen is still old enough to be in control, I couldn't even do that"

"You were very young" he tried to reassure her.

Now that she had started she couldn't stop. Long suppressed these secrets flowed form her soul, an exorcism of the guilt and pain she was feeling. She tried to gauge his reaction, to see if disgust or disbelief crossed his face at any point. His expression however, remained neutral. She hadn't finished, the rest of her tale she was sure it would incite disgust from him. After all, she had been disgusted with herself for years. She ventured to meet his eyes, his beautiful irises, but looked away soon after his gaze only asking her to reveal all.

"When I was married to Richard, I got pregnant again. I was terrified, I couldn't go through it all again after Jess, so...I...I had an abortion. She began to sob again, all her pains now laid bare. He sat mulling this over, he hadn't realised the baggage that Abby carried was so painful to her. He could understand her reluctance to tell, yet despite these events he knew she was a different person now, it was this person that he knew and still loved.

"You hate me now" She declared.

"I could never hate you" he replied sincerely. He put his hand on hers as he said this. The action at first startled her, but then she held his hand in hers lightly stroking it for comfort, a habit retained from their relationship.

"You should, and so should Jess, she is better off not knowing me" She didn't want to believe these words, she had loved Jess and still did, despite her long absence from Abby's life.

"You're a different person now, I know that, you're caring, kind..."

"If you're so sure about that" she said quietly, moving her gaze towards the paper bag now on Carter's coffee table. He followed her gaze, and saw it. He had forgotten all about the liquor bottle he had found her with yesterday. He looked back at her sitting silently. "It's still my crutch" she admitted sadly.

Carter had picked up the bottle whilst she spoke, "You didn't open it at least," he stated in an optimistic tone.

"We both know that's not the real issue" She said matter-of-factly.

"I know that, but what about Jess, she's here, you get your chance again, that's something to be grateful for"

"But what if she does hate me...I wouldn't blame her" Her eyes grew sad.

"She found you and she came. That counts for something." he reasoned.

"I know, I've pictured this so many times since I lost her but... I'm so scared John. I'm not sure I can get hurt again, and I'd never forgive myself if I hurt that beautiful girl again."

Abby began to cry again, she wasn't used to feeling outwardly so much. She began to think she'd never stop.

"You know..." Carter pondered out loud, "She seems to be made of pretty strong stuff, like her mom"

"Yea?" Abby said. "Even after…everything?"

"Even after all that" he echoed sincerely. He watched her eyes calm down.

"I don't deserve you. Even as a friend"

"Of course you do, I want to help you, I always did, you just kept it from me, and you pushed me away."

He expected her response to be a barrel of defensive vitriol at this. To his surprise she remained quiet for a moment.

"I know..." She looked away from his penetrating gaze once again. "I wanted to tell you so much... but I couldn't...I hadn't faced it myself, for years. I was selfish. I didn't realise what it was doing to us."

"Ssh..." His restraint failed him now. He reached out to her enclosing his arms around her body. She gratefully received this embrace, allowing herself to become once again lost in it. They stayed like this for a while or so, Abby felt safer now than ever, Carter knew her whole being now, the last of her secrets told. She was completely vulnerable to this one person, he knew all her flaws. She'd let him see her raw emotions. She was afraid to admit it. She loved him. Carter forgot the events of weeks past, he was glad Abby had shared this, it was painful to him to have watched it eat her up inside for so long. Now he could help her, and it was all he was ever going to want to do.

and now you've read...please review!