A/N: If you're still reading...hope you enjoy this chapter and please let me know what you think!
Disclaimer: Nope, not mine.
If All Could Be Told
Chapter 7: Past Territory: Present Fears.
Abby wriggled out of the comfortable embrace. Although she had begun to exorcise some of her demons, she knew this was just the start. Carter had helped her so much, even when she tried so hard to push him away, even as he found out about her past. This thought overwhelmed her. Her hand reached towards his chin, she traced its defined structure softly with her fingers. Electricity prickled the back of her neck as she touched him lightly. She said what she needed to say, "Thank you" It was simple, but her eyes communicated the unspoken volumes. He nodded simply, his recognition of the gesture conveyed. His focus moved from Abby's expressive eyes, towards her lips. Lips he knew very well, and wanted to re-acquaint with. He cupped her chin into his hands as his lips tentatively brushed hers. He pulled away, nervously awaiting a reaction.
The kiss Carter had initiated, absorbed her whole being, her past fluttered away in the one second that their lips touched. With Carter she felt safe, no matter how much she had tried to hide it. This one kiss despite its hesitancy, replaced all the absent kisses over the past couple of weeks. Carter searched the intent gaze that she had fixed him with. Eternity like seconds passed as she reached up lightly pressing a finger upon his lips, then drawing her hand away. So far, Abby had allowed herself to be swept along in the moment; her head however took over the feelings that swelled in her heart. Suddenly she broke away from the embrace silent tears pouring down her face. Carter felt her pull away from the kiss and immediately felt a pang in his chest.
"Don't cry, baby" Carter whispered as he put hid hand up to wipe the tears away from her glistening eyes. He leaned in towards her again, Abby darted her head downwards, "I'm sorry...I can't do this" She fixed her gaze away from Carter unable to face the look of hurt that had crept up onto his face. She grasped for her cigarette box, opening the lid as she smoothly slid out the nicotine containing stick automatically she placed it between her lips putting the lighter towards her face. The ash flared and glowed orange as she puffed letting wisps of smoke escape from the end. As calming nicotine coursed through her body, silence descended.
Carter gently broke the heavy quiet, "Why not?"
"Because..." Abby let more wisps of smoke escape from her mouth "Because...I'm a drunk, a terrible mother, daughter and sister – a professional screw-up. You're kind, caring, generous and sweet... you could do better than me. I've only ever hurt everyone else around me...I don't want to do the same to you." Carter let out an exasperated sigh, Abby he knew and loved was eternally pessimistic but it broke his heart to know that the scars that she bore from her past affected her so deeply and prominently by causing her to think this way. Before she could love him properly she had to learn how to love herself. Her reasoning swept over him, for a long time he had told her that he thought oppositely about her. When they were together, as a couple and friends she could never accept any kind of compliments. He had always suspected that this was a defence mechanism but just now he realised how deep it ran. Grudgingly he had to accept this, "You know that I'm going to say that none of that is remotely true... and I mean it. Even if it was…it wouldn't matter"
"John. I just need time... to think, or something."
"Ooh… that could be dangerous for us all" he joked trying to lighten the sombre mood.
"Hey" She replied half-heartedly.
Carter was disappointed; he didn't want then to waste more time being apart. As much as he felt this, his caring nature prevailed. Abby needed a friend and Carter intended to try and be the best one that he could be.
Although sat next to each other, there was an unusual lack of body contact that proliferated between the two of them. The conversation had fizzled out into a comfortable silence Carter sat quietly mulling over everything. Abby played idly with her fringe, pulling the dark tendrils off of her face and out of her eyes; she broke the silence unexpectedly, "Thank you."
Carter's attention was immediately grabbed by this simple statement, he replied by looking directly into her eyes. He moved towards her putting his hand on hers tracing gentle circles from her wrists to the tips of her fingers. The perfect silence and remarkable feeling of peace between the two was shattered by a small but audible grumble that evoked a smirk from Carter, and a realisation that the events of the morning have taken them to around lunchtime.
"Wow - someone's hungry" His mouth twitched at its corners.
Instinctively, his hand moved to brush her stomach, to the source of the grumble. Carter quickly realised the gravity of the gesture and removed the touch as quickly as it was placed. Neither of them could ignore the flutter that both of them felt, however, Abby did her best to mask it jumping quickly out of her sitting position.
"Is it okay if I go and make a sandwich or something?"
That Abby asked such a question, to do something she has done unasked a million times before only increased the awkwardness of the moment.
Carter nodded in agreement before she darted quickly in the kitchen. He listened to the clunking in the adjacent room, shortly Abby appeared again a skyscraper of sandwiches balanced precariously on the plate. Carter chuckled knowingly, despite Abby's tiny frame she could eat like a guy and could probably finish all the sandwiches by herself. As she began to put down the tray she looked at him, and clocking his amused expression, it dawned on her the thought that was running through his mind.
"Those are for you as well you know" she said through a mouthful of sandwich.
"Really, that looks like an Abby sized portion to me" She gave Carter a look but it was betrayed by a small smile as she pulled the plate from the middle of the table towards her.
"So you're not hungry then" She grinned whilst chewing a mouthful of bread, Carter's love for her even made even this rather unattractive sight become endearing. She pulled the plate towards her.
"I didn't say that" Carter motioned to grab the moving plate almost causing a sandwich avalanche.
"Please" he whined, "I'm starving" She relented quickly, motioning the plate towards him. He picked up a sandwich of his own, but took a bite out of the unguarded one in Abby's grasp.
"Hey" she cried her tone one of mock anger. "Eat your own!" After this outburst the two settled into silence once more, devouring the sandwiches had put a stopper to any possible conversation. The plate was left empty, only a few crumbs remaining. Through the resumed silence Abby became more restless She picked up a magazine that rested on the coffee table, flicked through a couple of the garishly printed pages and put it aside. Then she picked up a long abandoned mug, with only freezing dregs of the caffeine laden liquid left. She held the mug between her small hands as she thoughtful statement escaped her lips, "Do you want some coffee?" She asked with raised eyebrows, her dark irises fully shining out of her face. On Carter's affirmative nod she promptly got up. He heard the clunking of various pieces of crockery and the nosy whirr of the coffee machine. In no time at all Abby's petite frame entered the room, she clutched two steaming mugs matching the empty one still sat on the table. As soon as she sat down she spotted the offending empty cup, and the sandwich plate.
"I forgot" she stated simply. As she made her way over to the kitchen once more and the pot clanged as they were put into the dishwasher.
Carter observed this with great concern, Abby was never, tidy, and never was this neurotic about cleanliness. She entered the room once more and fidgeted continually beside him.
"Abby...?" He started to question, but she cut the start of his question off with an answer.
"It's Saturday tomorrow" She stated bluntly.
Carter had to furrow his brow for a second until the realisation dawned, "Jess" he whispered quietly.
"Tomorrow, she wants to talk, what am I going to say? what can I say to her?...what is she going to say to me. This is the thing I most wanted and feared for a long time...I'm not sure if I can do it." Abby's voice cracked under the raw emotions that had surfaced once again. Her dark eyes leaked hot tears once more worsening their already puffy appearance. Carter moved closer to her once again, now glad that she could share this with him, he was ready to help and obliged once more putting his hand on hers.
"All you can do is tell her the truth, what you've told me"
"She'll hate me."
"I can't deny that that will be a possibility, but the truth is probably the best thing for both of you, you can't hide from it any more, and I'm not sure that hiding the truth is the best thing for Jess either. Tell her the truth, and that you love her... 'cause that's the truth as well right?"
"Yes" Abby replied mid-sob. "It's just I don't think I can lose her again, I know I don't know her, or have any right to think this way, it's just that I love her so much, I always have."
"That's all that matters, and if she sees what I see in you, she'll want to find out all about her smart, pretty, caring mom who through all her mistakes still manages to be a beautiful person. You've got this chance to get to know your daughter again, Abby." He lifted her chin slowly so her eyes met his.
"Take this chance, don't miss it...there's too much regret already don't make yourself suffer any more." Simultaneously overwhelmed by her worries and the profound advice given to her by Carter she sobbed once more, as if she'd broken down a dam inside of her soul.
"Carter..." She began wanting to thank him, instead he placed his finger on his lips to shush her. It brushed her cheek and removed the tears before he encapsulated her into a giant hug. They fell asleep this way, in this embrace. Carter's chin nestles on her dark head of hair. He could smell the comforting scent of coconut shampoo. Her head rested in the curve of his neck, her light snores tickled the front of his throat. Hands and fingers intertwined as one, an old habit that they had helplessly returned to, and the comfort of familiarity pleased them both.