By: Yavie Aelinel
Cold, uncaring, nonchalant, indifferent.
Yeah, I've heard them all, usually in reference to me. Some have been awed with the calm façade; some disgusted with the supposed apathy to others' plights. To be blunt with you, I don't think I've ever given their opinions a second thought.
When it all boils right down to it, I'd have to say that I've just learned to accept it as it comes. You can usually categorize life's happenings into two sections: things you can fix or alter, and those things that no amount of screaming, crying, or civil disobedience will ever fix. I've seen both. Sure, I've shed my tears in my lifetime, and I've definitely been down the rebel's road, but 's far as I can tell, it hasn't really done a fat lot of good for me.
Y'know that old saying, 'there's no use in crying over spilled milk'? Despite the fact that over time it has become horribly cliché, I s'pose it's just something I can identify with. There are things that you just can't rectify, things that can never be put to rights. You can throw stones, trip on them, or climb over them. I choose to climb over and keep going.
Accuse me of being uncaring, and I'll just turn my back on you. No use in arguing with every Tom, Dick, or Harry who disapproves of you. I've loved as many times as you, prob'ly lost as many as well. I've got my bro, and I've got my share of friends. Just because a person doesn't constantly shower those close to them with kisses and hugs doesn't mean they don't love them. I love differently.
It's sort of funny, really. We all sort of contrast one another. Chipper, happy, the never-say-die Ferrygirl. Our "little sister", the one we all protect, the little koorime. Chestnut-haired schoolgirl, the fiery, determined sort. And then there's me, the cold-masked wonder. Somehow, though, it all balances out. Yeah, we're quite a group.
Happy. Yep, that'd be the word to sum it up, really. I won't deny it, I'm rather bubbly. I've always been that way, I s'pose. I don't really know why… I think if I wasn't, I would just crack. With my job, I think it's probably a necessary thing for my sanity's survival.
There are some times when I wonder what keeps me going. I've seen things, horrible things, I've cried more tears than I care to remember. Somehow, though, I just feel like everything'll be alright in the end. The funny thing is, it always has been. No matter how cheesy this may sound, there's just something in there that says "just keep smiling, it'll be alright".
'Course, I've never had to go it alone. We're practically sisters, the way we look out for one another. I won't tell you my age (y'know, it's rude to ask…), but I'd be willing to bet that in all my years I've never been happier. Despite the trials, the blood, the bruises, and all the rest, it is worth it to see our boys come out of it. I think it's sort of a need to see it through, you know? I just have to make sure they're all right, that they're going to be okay.
You really have to learn to stay in the moment when you're involved with "Yusuke and co." Look back too far, or look too far ahead and it'll send you reeling. We've really been through so much, but there's probably more trials to go. It can feel like you've lived a million years… I suppose that's my reason for keeping a smile on my face. Just keep trucking, and maybe you'll make it.
Words to describe me? Well… I don't think I've ever really thought about it before. The only thing I think I have ever done is try. I try to do my part, and I try to help and heal as much as I can. I often wish there were more that I could do, more that I could help with. It makes me want to burst sometimes, watching what I cannot help.
There are moments when I feel like my heart is breaking, and moments where I feel like I'll burst with happiness. Having friends like these is an endless torrent of emotion. Love, sadness, anger, happiness, and even hate. Hate for what happens to them, hate for those who hurt them. But then they always come out, and everything is okay again, like nothing ever happened to them at all. I think that is why I like healing best of all powers. It makes you better, fixes a broken smile.
Sometimes it seems to me that we are all pieces of a whole person. We can't live without eachother, and when one person hurts, the rest hurt. We support eachother, we cry for one another. It's really amazing. I suppose that is what love is, though, isn't it?
Most girls' chief worry would be their boyfriend's loyalty. That's not the case here. I worry about mine's survival. What's really sad about it is that it's become a normal part of life. I go to bed at night with a head full of demons and spirits, rather than other women taking him away. Which would be worse, I wonder? Seeing him leave me, or seeing him die?
It's so hard to be a spectator sometimes. Just watching and waiting, holding your breath and praying. Watching as blood flows, waiting for it to end, praying that the one you love will be okay. The worst thing is knowing that there's absolutely nothing you can do. Nothing to ease their suffering, nothing to stop the fighting. You just have to hope that by some miracle they'll pull through.
I have my friends at school, and yeah, I love them to pieces. But there's something more that I share with my friends here. We don't gossip or anything, but we're there for the other to lean on. It's like having a rock to hold onto if you're lost in the ocean. Just something to know you're still alive, that there's still someone out there, that someone still cares. We're about as different as they come from one another, both in personality and species. If it hadn't been for all we've had to endure, we probably would never have met. I suppose there is something to be thankful for among all this, isn't there?
Well, I hope you liked it. It's been something that I've been itching to write lately, so I just had to jot it down. Yukina's section was particularly difficult, though.