Yay now it's my turn to write a chapter! I've been very excited about starting this story, so now that it's started I'm hyper!
This chapter is dedicated to FFN for making us wait three days to post. If we didn't have to wait those three days, we would probably have gotten a review for chapter one and in turn, had someone to dedicate this chapter to.
Disclaimer: The only thing we own is our weird sense of humour and our binge drinking! Try suing us for that … you won't get very much!
Summery: In all honesty, I don't think even we know what's gonna happen next! All I know is that it's set in the 7th year and it's going to have lots of slash in it!
Warnings: Errr … slash, het, total insaneness? And possibly a monkey in this chapter. And Michael Jackson too! Feel scared yet?
Chapter 2: On the WWN
While the Hogwarts express was on its way, Lucius Malfoy sat down in his third drawing room with a mug of coffee (It's started already!) and some biscuits. He was enjoying the silence that the manor brought when Draco was away and Narcissa was out with her friends. Lucius coveted silence like that, sure he loves his family, but they could be just too damn loud for his liking!
That and the fact that when Draco wants something he doesn't ask politely, oh no, instead he screams the house down until he gets what he wants.
So Lucius often finds himself with a migraine. Which is no surprise there. He was just sitting there relieving in the migraine free silence, with his coffee and biscuits when Bubbles, Lucius' adopted chimp brought him the newspaper. The chimp was a long story; let's just say his former owner was a bit plastic, shall we?
"What have you got for me?" Lucius asked the chimp, who handed him some letters and the Daily Prophet.
Lucius looked through the letters, a few were letters of complaint, which Lucius tossed into the fire, one from Narcissa asking for money to be sent to her because she had run out, Lucius sighed and wrote her a cheque, the next was from Draco, probably written just as he got on the train asking Lucius to send over some more cash, which Lucius wrote a cheque for, and finally, the last letter was from his sister-in-law Bellatrix, looking for money too, Lucius wrote a cheque.
Then he got to the newspaper. As he unfolded the newspaper to have a nice relaxing read, the headlines shocked him so much that he fainted.
"Welcome, welcome to this weeks episode of 'Chatty Cathy' on the Wizarding Wireless Network!" The cheerful lady on the T.V. screen announced. The Wizarding world had finally gotten their own TV station, and as expected, it was a huge hit. At the moment, every Witch and Wizard around was watching this station, as this week's episode marks the beginning of a very new era.
Lucius Malfoy was even watching the 'darn muggle contraption' to find out if the rumours were true. He sat in front if the 64-inch screen waiting impatiently for the programme to start, leg bouncing in agitation and anticipation.
"I'm Cathy Williams and as I'm sure you all know that we have a very important guest coming on this show today," The announcer, who looked like a Joan Rivers clone, said.
"We know, get on with it!" a very anxious Lucius shouted at the screen.
"But first, let's have a little talk wit the audience," Cathy said brightly.
"Fuck the audience, come on!" Lucius shouted again, he really needed to know what was up with that article.
"Now, yes hello, what would you like to say?" Cathy asked going towards an elderly woman with a huge boil on the end of her nose.
"Well, Cathy, I first want to say how much I love your show and I –"
"GET ON WITH IT!" Lucius screamed over the T.V.
"- Watch it every week, and my grand children do too, they say –"
"This torture will never end!" Wailed Lucius.
"- That they would love to guest star on the show, but I told them that-"
"I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU TOLD THEM YOU HAG, HURRY UP!"
"- You have to be famous first! But then they said that they would be famous just so they could get on your show."
"And what age are they?" Cathy asked her.
"32 and 29," The old woman said smiling showing only gums with no teeth. Cathy visibly cringed.
"Thank god, I thought that fucking crone would never shut up!"
"OK, let's go to our next guest, ah, yes, what do you want to say?"
BOOM! The TV exploded.
"Errr … Bubbles? Contact Jimmy, I need a new TV, and do hurry about it this time," Lucius told the chimp, who hooted in reply. Lucius sighed and sipped his coffee.
Ten minutes later a new TV was up and ready to use, it was taken from Lucius' private stash, as he had a tendency to blow up the TVs if nothing happens.
By the time the TV was tuned and ready, and Chatty Cathy was on the TV again, Lucius had his nails bitten right down to his knuckles and was now starting on his toenails (A/N: EWWW!) he was so nervous. What if the papers were true, what if he really … no, Lucius couldn't even think about it.
"And now the moment you've all been waiting for, introducing our guest star, drum roll please …" Cathy began. Lucius started to hyperventilate he was so nervous about this moment. Damn that drum roll, it seemed to go on forever. Lucius sat forward in his seat to get a closer view on the 64 inch screen, biscuits crushed between his hands he was so nervous.
"Introducing …"
Lucius' hands were so sweaty at this stage that the coffee cup just slipped out and landed all over the expensive carpet spraying the ground around him with coffee. Lucius never noticed, he was transfixed with the TV.
That damn drum roll again!
"LORD VOLDEMORT!" Announced Cathy, and to Lucius' horror out stepped the Dark Lord himself, dressed in a powder blue dress robe and had a wig on his head. Lucius, yet again fainted.
In the studio, Voldemort was waving at the terrified crowd, he seemed not to notice the people running towards the exits, which were bolted shut from outside.
"Lord Voldemort everyone! Sit down here," Cathy told him. Voldemort did just that and sat down on the comfy yellow chair.
After the audience had calmed down a bit, the interview began.
"Don't worry Ladies and Gentlemen!" Cathy said, trying to make them listen to her show and not run to the exits all over again.
"Now, Lord Voldemort -" Cathy began.
"Please call me Voldie, Cathy," Voldemort said.
"OK, So Voldie, care to tell everyone why you're here," Cathy said, sitting back to let him continue.
"Well, Cathy, as I'm sure you all know, I've been a bit of a meanie over the past couple of years –"
One audience member had the insolence to snort at that comment, causing him to be thrown out by the big burley bouncers.
"- You know killing off people, trying to take over the world, hiding the remote, pretty nasty stuff, but I'm here now to amend my ways and hopefully introduce myself back into polite society. The reason I'm here now in front of all of you, is to apologize for the way I've acted over those years, I wasn't thinking straight and let's just say this, I think Wormtail's been sneaking a little something into my coffee."
"So you here to apologize?" Cathy asked.
"Yes, Cathy, I want people to know that I'm not who I used to be, and I want to say sorry for everything that I've done to you all."
"Awww … that's touching! Isn't that touching ladies and gentlemen?" Cathy asked the audience.
There was a grumble in reply.
"A little enthusiasm please?" Cathy asked through gritted teeth.
The audience made a huge show of nodding; screaming 'yes!' and clapping like maniacs.
"I'm happy that you all accept my apologies, I hope to travel around the country to every television show, radio station, and celebrity event, apologizing to everyone, so that hopefully one day everyone would be as excepting as you lovely lot are!" Voldemort complimented.
"That's lovely, now Voldie, can you please tell us, what made you do all those mean things in the first place?"
"Well, Cathy, I suspect someone, coughWormtailcough, had slipped some illegal mind control drugs into my daily morning coffee, because all I can remember is one day making up the name 'Lord Voldemort' and then the rest is a blank, it was last Tuesday when I seemed to wake up again, after I decided not to have coffee that morning, I was shocked at what I had done! Nothing I can say can describe how remorseful I feel towards the suffering and pain I've put you all through!"
"So you're saying you were drugged?"
"That's exactly what I'm saying; those drugs were the ones that could put your mind into someone else's control!"
"So someone else was actually doing all those mean things, but you were like their puppet?"
"Exactly."
"So what do you plan to do next?"
"Well, in order to give back to the community and to amend what I've done, I'm opening up an orphanage, a hospital and a old folk's home," Voldie explained.
"Wow, that's good anyway! Do you think I could get a room in the old folk's home when I'm old and grey?" Cathy laughed.
"Certainly, just give me a call, but Cathy, you don't have to worry about that just yet, you still look as young as 21!"
"Oh, Voldie, you flatter me! So what's your next move after setting up these facilities?"
"Advertisement, I want to get people to use what I built, so starting tomorrow I'm hiring anyone with the qualifications needed to run a hospital, orphanage and old folk's home! Any nurses or doctors wanting a job can come down tomorrow, the pay is good and the hours are reasonable!"
"And what are the fees for using your facilities?"
"Free! Anyone with any problem can come to any if these places and not be expected to pay a penny! Except of course if you pick our premium private care, or plan to adopt a lovely, bubbly child!"
"That's reasonable enough, anyway!"
"Yes, I've decided that the public pays too much for their health, so for the first year, treatment is completely free, no matter the case!"
"Now, I have just been informed that we have another guest to join us now, please welcome … LUCIUS MALFOY!" Cathy announced after getting a message that the TV crew had found him.
A dazed and confused Lucius was brought into the studio and sat on the chair opposite Voldemort; he muttered something and took a large gulp from his hip flask, which was filed with coffee.
"Now I'm sure you two gentlemen know each other?" Cathy asked, already knowing the answer but being the annoying hostess, asked it anyway.
Both men (well man-snake if you want to get technical!) nodded.
"Good, now Lucius, why not tell everyone what you think of Voldie's change of heart?"
"I didn't know!" Screamed the panicking Lucius, he didn't do well in front of the camera.
"I only found out this morning!" And then right on cue, he started hyperventilating when the camera pointed at him.
"OH, sober up, Malfoy!" Voldie scolded laughing.
"He's always like this, and if you think he's bad, wait 'till you meet is son!" Voldie told the audience, who genuinely laughed this time.
"Why didn't you tell me! I thought we were BEST FRIENDS! You promised to tell me when you decided to give everything up! WHAT CHANGED!"
"Now, Lucius, none of that," Cathy said, hitting him sharply on the arm. Lucius flinched and clutched his arm grumbling.
"He's like that, very high strung creatures, Malfoy's are!" Voldie joked in a Yoda voice. Yet again the audience laughed.
"But Voldemort -" Lucius began
"Voldie," Corrected Voldie.
"- But, Voldie, what are you at? What's up with all this?" The frightened Malfoy asked.
"I've decided to turn over a new leaf and become a respectable citizen again!"
"By opening an Orphanage!"
"You can adopt if you want, it'll give you a chance to have an actual child and not some snot who's always screaming at you for a pony! 'Daddy get me this!', 'Daddy get me that!', 'Daddy will you give me a million pounds?' Lucius, that boy is an annoying brat, admit it!"
"Keep Draco out of this!"
"Ohhh hit a button!"
"Here from Wormtail lately?"
"Keep him out of this."
"Ohhh hit a button!"
"Stop fighting boys, we have another guest who has just arrived!" Cathy announced excitedly.
Then the sliding doors opened to reveal Michael Jackson, who moon walked out into the studio, and sat down beside Voldemort.
"And who the fuck are you?" Lucius demanded.
"Give me back my monkey!" Jackson demanded.
"I don't have your monkey!"
"Yes you do, you have him serving you your coffee!"
"That's a lie and you know it!"
"What would I lie, what about you? You lie to the postman!"
"Everyone lies to the postman!"
"I don't."
"Everyone who counts lies to the postman!"
"Everyone who's mean lies to the postman!"
"Enough of the postman!" Cathy interjected, as she was sure that Lucius and Michael were about to have a cat fight over the monkey, who was currently smoking in the corner.
"I'm sending you to down to Judge Judy to sort this out, come back when you're going to behave!" Cathy told them, while kicking them out of the studio, to the cheering and catcalls of the audience.
"Rich people, I swear …" She muttered.
"Anyway, after that rather, unexpected interruption, would anyone like to ask Voldie here some questions?"
An old woman stood up and asked, "Yes, Voldie, I hear that your lisp is gone, how did you get rid of it?" The rest of the audience then noticed her very prominent lisp.
"After I was taken off the drug, my speech did get a bit better, but I decided to go to a speech therapist before I started going out in public! It wouldn't do for everyone not being able to understand me! Go to Dr. Fridgeworthy, he is an excellent speech therapist, here's his card!" And then Voldemort levitated the card to the old woman, who jumped with excitement.
Then a young enough man with bleached blond hair stood up, "I notice your skin is much smoother and healthy looking than before, tell me what product you used?"
"I used just plain face cream, but here's the trick, I mixed the face cream with a weak exfoliate and used it every two days, it works much quicker and the results are better!"
A middle-aged woman stood up, she seemed a bit unsure of her self at first, but then after a deep breath she shouted, "DO YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!"
Voldemort just looked at her bemused.
Back at Hogwarts, the great Hall had a huge TV set up where the entire student body could watch this amazing turn of events. None of them could believe what was happening, Voldemort must be messing with them, that wasn't Voldemort up there, anything to explain what was happening was welcome except for the obvious answer …
"It appears that the war is over," Dumbledore announced.
Harry looked confused in his spot over by the Slytherins. Screw detentions, he pulled out a cigarette and lit it. Blaise saw this and shot a concealment charm to hide the smoke. He looked at his new friends, and whispered sarcastically, "So, now I have to kill Wormtail, and not 'Voldie' as he likes to be called? What a joke."
"Looks that way," Draco said, still red with embarrassment at what had been exposed on the television. Then he added, "Give me one of those," pointing to the cigarette.
TBC
I know, a tasteless chapter, but funny, right? Ok… Now review!