All night
Hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something
Hold on
I'm feeling
like I'm headed for a
Breakdown
I don't know why
I'm not crazy, I'm
just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile
and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just
a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough
you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Me
-Matchbox Twenty
The clock on the dresser glowed 3:30 AM Thursday morning.
Kit lay on his back in bed, his eyes fixated on his bedroom ceiling, willing himself to go to sleep, but finding it utterly beyond his grasp.
Every time he closed his eyes and tried to shut out all thought, every goddamn time, thoughts of Nita managed to slip past his defenses and mock him.
God damn it. I hate this. I hate every moment of this. I mean, damn. Was this all a fucking act? Was she leading me on this whole time?
Kit turned over and glared at the wall, wishing dearly that he could drive his fist through it.
Does she even have any idea what she's done to my heart? I opened up to her, shared my whole fricking LIFE with her. And then she goes and pulls some shit like this. WHY THE HELL WON'T SHE TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG WITH HER?
Another overwhelming desire to break something into pieces smothered his senses for a while, drowning him in a floodtide of self-pity.
His senses cleared again, and he rolled onto his other side and shifted position.
It had been like this for nearly two weeks now. He couldn't put up with this much longer.
Why. Why did she shut me out so suddenly? Why won't she talk to me about 'us'? She used to tell me she loved me… she used to understand what I went through, she was the pillar I leaned on when times got rough. And now… why is she pulling it away? Why is she letting me fall?Kit rolled over and slammed a fist into his pillow as hard as he could.
What am I, her fucking guinea pig? Something to test crap out on, and then just leave to die in the rain? God. If she was cheating on me, and if she had told me, I probably wouldn't be this frustrated… at least I'd know what was wrong. Hell, I'd be happy knowing that she's happy. But if she's gonna SHUT ME FUCKING OUT… that just hurts.
Turning over, he found a pen cap wedged between the mattress and the headboard and hurled it at the wall, producing an unsatisfying click as it bounced off.
I wonder what suicide is like.
Kit paused for a moment, struck by the thought.
Suicide… taking my own life.
Mulling it over in his mind, he halfheartedly flicked an eraser at the wall.
Painless would be the way to go. Yeah… maybe overdosing.
He paused again, struck by yet another thought. Would she even miss me when I'm gone?
Rolling over again to face the window, he sighed. Suicide was not an option. Too drastic.
But jeez. I really wish she would tell me what's going on… Is it her dad? Has he finally realized what a goddamn scumbag I am yet? Is it another guy? …god… why won't she just tell me…
In his mind, he visualized the confrontation between him and Nita.
The look he gave her was one of utmost loathing as she walked uncertainly up.
"Hi…"
"What do you want..." Flat.
She shifted uncomfortably. "Um… just wanted to see how you were…doing…"
He laughed, a strangled, forced sound. "Me? Oh, yes, I'm doing fine. Fine considering that I gave you my heart, and you took a fricking chainsaw to it. Fine knowing that you're happy with life while I watch you from the shadows, remembering when you once loved me."
The last five words he spat out, scornfully, sarcastically.
"Kit…"
"How could I have been so blind. To think, I actually thought you loved me. But you were just goddamn using me. You just wanted to try me out, huh? A test drive. And you crashed, but you let me burn."
He noticed the tear that trickled down her cheek, but he was well past caring.
"Well, you know what, Nita? I can't believe I ever fell for it. I thought you were better than that. I gave you my everything. Funny thing about love. It's a give and take sort of thing. I gave. Everything. You took. Everything. Worked out perfectly, didn't it?"
Nita was sobbing now, one gloved hand covering her mouth, red-rimmed eyes avoiding Kit's gaze at all costs.
"Well, Neets. Looks like it's over. Dead end lights for me. Hit the road, Kit. And don't you come back no more, huh? It'll be easy for you to find another guy. Oh, did I say guy? I meant victim."
She buried her face in her gloves, her auburn hair moving gently in the crisp September wind.
"Goodbye, Nita."
Kit stared up at the ceiling, overcome with his final words as he watched himself walk away.
Good god, what the hell is wrong with me…He buried his face in his hands and let the tears come.
I think I'm going insane…--------------------------------------------------