World Weary
Weariness is not a gentle feeling.
Definitely the reverse, don't you think?
A tree offers support to the figure shrouded in its branches. A thick trunk to lean his back against, foliage to block out the bright rays of the noonday sun, easy transportation through the large forest. They were a terribly clever adaptation of the world. At any given time they could provide food, shelter, even clothing on occasion.
Ah! But you know not of the peacefulness the weary feel, when they know it's time to simply lie still and let time flow.
Hiei had probably gleaned all of these favors from his current arboreal abode. Especially now, in the dead of winter, when food and shelter were hard to come by. The trunk was hollow now; he had carefully burned enough of the tree's guts away to comfortably fit himself and his meager belongings. The tree still had enough of wood to support itself, however, and weathered the disagreeable weather very well.
But when all is disagreeable and disgusting, aren't the weary disagreeable and disgusted, too?
No, of course not. They're too weary.
The latest round of blizzards had blown a number of the smaller mammals native to the area closer to Hiei's new territory. They tried to hide in his tree, where they were quickly captured and cooked to perfection. The tree was beneficial and useful in every way the demon intended it to be.
Protection, food, and a good vantage point.
From the highest branches, beyond what could safely support the demon, the entire forest floor for several miles could be seen, provided the sun shone and the snow was scarce. And Hiei's own enhancements, his third Evil Eye, could extend even further, alerting him to anyone in vicinity.
Particularly the young girl who seemed to enjoy frequenting said vicinity.
What really makes someone so weary that they'll give up on everything?
What really makes someone so anything as to do anything?
The girl was coming again! his senses screamed. The girl with the tiny hands filled with crumbs and birds, and the complete trust of everything in her range of sight and influence.
Hiei scrambled up the tree. There was a certain branch that overlooked the south side of the tree, where a thick patch of branches from other trees could obscure him. The girl was smart enough to stay in the clearing on the north side of his tree.
It was good for him, too. He could watch her, carefully peeking around the thick trunk of his 'home;' she would not see him unless she came around to the tree's south side.
It turned out he had not been paying as much attention as he should have; the girl was much closer than usual. Hiei frowned at nothing, that was not a good thing. He should not be dropping his guard to the girl. It was a miracle she had never noticed him. Or possibly she might have never been taught how. Much more likely, from what he had observed of the people around the girl, the rare occasion they joined her, no one really cared enough to teach her much. Her guardian gave the only hint of even caring at all.
The girl had a plain, common name, for an ice demon.
Yukina.
The weariest people seem content to just sit around and watch the world unfold. Is that true?
It is.
Why? Why is it that way?
Weariness saps all hope and energy from your body. You can't bear to be more than a spectator, when you're as weary as I was.
That's... awful...
Sometimes it angered Hiei that the girl was as neglected as she was. Her name was a prime example; it sound as if someone had just thrown together the first two words they could think of. Snow. Plant. No one had put any thought into naming her. She deserved better than that.
Yukina herself didn't seem to mind, however. She seemed perfectly content as she was, to play and laugh in the snow, even in the roaring blizzards and harsh winds.
Hiei was curious about that, it was one of the reasons that fueled his desire to observe her. How could one be so content? Nothing seemed to trouble her. It was as if Yukina was a miniature goddess, undisturbed by the plights of Hiei's mortal world.
Sometimes I felt as if my heart would stop then and there.
Please, don't say things like that!
For her part, little Yukina was unaware of Hiei. She sometimes got the feeling she was being watched, but she chalked that up to her mother's ghost. Yukina was a firm believer in ghosts, and also firmly believed that her mother truly did love her, even if she had not stayed long enough to watch her daughter grow up.
Close. Close.
But not quite?
Watching Yukina play and smile, Hiei felt very inadequate. He could take care of himself, but could he make his life as worthwhile as Yukina's seemed to be?
No matter what happened to her, she was happy. She felt she could, had to keep going. Hiei desperately wanted to know what made her feel that way.
Desperately.
Do you still want to know?
I...
Do you?
He watched her endlessly, whenever she strayed from her village. She would almost always pass through his clearing, and even when she did not, he would search her out and follow her as best he could.
He felt compelled to watch over her as often as possible.
Ironic. Ironic.
It hurt. It was a physical pain, that one time...
One day, the girl disappeared.
She was not a little girl anymore, as she had been when Hiei first began observing her. A few winters had passed since then, and she was not quite a child anymore. Not yet an adult, either.
She vanished into thin air.
Hiei searched long and hard. He was sidetracked a few times, he tried a few ambitious schemes, but, ultimately...
Were you afraid?
I was. I think I was beginning to understand, too. Just beginning, though.
I'm glad for that.
It was such a long time before Yukina turned up again.
Now Yukina was the curious one. Now she wanted to learn and observe things.
Hiei continued his at-a-distance vigil over the girl.
She still had that strange quality he wanted to know the secret of. She still loved her life, despite its imperfections. She loved her companions, one in particular. She loved everything about the new and exciting world she had ventured into.
Searching for the same thing that escaped Hiei, coincidentally.
But Hiei didn't realize this. For once, Hiei's powers of observation fell short.
Hiei, please forgive me, but...
I know. I know.
He never realized Yukina was searching for something. The same thing he didn't know he was searching for.
He thought he knew what Yukina was searching for. He thought she was searching for him.
I was almost right.
She was searching for what he could give her. Unfortunately, he did not realize this until it was too late...
Oh, Hiei...
Hiei was as weary as he had ever been. Perhaps more so, when it looked like the mysterious factor that spurred Yukina on would forever be beyond his reach.
The world around him was heavy. It was taking more than Hiei could handle to just pull through a day.
Yukina had something. Something he did not.
And his weariness was fast overwhelming his curiosity.
You've figured it out now, haven't you?
It doesn't matter.
But you have.
It still doesn't matter.
Then why are you telling me this?
...
That's what I thought.
I'm sorry, Yukina.
I know.
Weary of the world, tired of his life, and no longer caring about that strange element of Yukina's life that kept her going...
It was you, it was you all along. Just knowing that you were out there, somewhere.
How did you know I was? How did you know I was not dead?
I just... did.
That doesn't make sense.
None of this does.
I suppose it doesn't matter anymore.
I suppose it doesn't.
...I...
You're sorry. I know. I forgive you.
Why?
...I understand, I guess.
How?
It doesn't matter.
...No, it does not.
Nothing mattered to Hiei anymore. There was nothing to matter.
Am I taking that mysterious element away from you, Yukina?
I don't know yet.
Don't let me.
I have no way to make sure of that, Hiei. You know that.
Try.
I will. I promise.
Until the very last moments, nothing mattered.
It's too late.