Friendship of the Ages
"Such a perfect mask you're wearing
Such a wicked work of art
Too bad that I'm a playwrite
and the show's about to start"
/Extract from the poem Wicked Man
Xander walked out from Giles' office and into the library with the same confidence he used when walking in to a trap while knowing it was a trap, terrified but determined to fight. His eyes immediately fell on the people gathered by the large wooden table in the middle of the room. Gods how many nights he'd sat at that table researching, making jokes, saving the world. He felt his heart clench at the thought of all they had gone through over the years. All the pains that in this timeline still lay before them. He would do his best to make things right, but living on the Hellmouth he had early on learned some things and among those were that you couldn't save them all and you couldn't take all the pain on yourself.
Jesus Christ he felt old. So fucking old, right this minute, while looking at Buffy and Willow sitting there by the hardwood table so young and confused and vibrating with life. So unlike the people they had become in his timeline. Xander tried to make the face of the innocent looking redhead match the one of the woman who had skinned someone alive and almost ended the world, but it just felt so surreal. It was like they weren't even the same people. How could all that capacity for darkness be hidden inside such a sweet teenager who almost always blushed before speaking and was always so eager to help? And Buffy, there she sat in all her golden glory, a slayer with only victory behind her so far, but who already was so tired of the game that she just wanted out. A girl who wanted to be a cheerleader, a naive girl, but still strong. There was darkness there too, but right now as the sun shone down on her golden hair he could barely see past the exterior that had once been his teenage crush. Oh, how the years changes us.
Xander blinked once to clear his mind, all those thoughts come and gone within two steps of walking to the table behind Giles. He Had To Get A Grip. This was getting tiresome, he was becoming a brood and that would simply not do. He had a fresh chance here, a brand new day if there ever was one and he was going to take it. He was going to make it through thus without going totally insane, that was what was going to happen.
Glad that thoughts were processed so much faster than it took to take one step more Xander gathered himself like in a meditative exercise. It was something he had learned while fighting, to just put all your fear and doubt aside and just be in the moment, because the moment was all you had. It was almost instantaneous by now, that lock down and opening up of his heart and mind. Useful, very useful, he wished he'd had that capacity in the early days when things where so hard and then he had to smile a little, just because he forgot and remembered, he did have it now, this was the past, this was now, there were no regrets, there was future here and there was hope.
With that light-hearted thought he settled down on a chair facing the entrance and most of the windows of the library. Battle ingrained security issues were hard to overcome and really, he shouldn't try to overcome them. It was what mattered now, to keep them all safe.
Wiping the smile off his face the moment he touched the seat Xander scooted closer to Willow and put an arm over her shoulder. He remembered that she was still in the stage where she had a huge crush on him and he knew that what he was about to say would both hurt and confuse her. He didn't want to hurt this sweet, innocent girl, but there really was no way around it.
"Hey, Wills. How'ya doing?"
"I'm fine Xan. What's up?"
"A lot actually." Xander nodded towards Giles' office. "Mind if we borrow your office for a while Giles? Need to talk to my girl here."
"Of course. Take your time."
"Great. What''d ya say Wills, me and you and I nice library office?"
"Xan? What's going on?"
"Need to talk to you for a mo' Willow girl. It's important."
"Xander? You're scaring me here."
"No need to be scared. Nothing dangerous, just important. C'mon. Let's split."
Willow nodded uncertainly and rose from her chair, Xander's arm slipping from her shoulder only to let his hand rest protectively on her lower back.
"We'll be out soon, guys."
They proceeded to the office and Xander could just hear Buffy's confused question as the door closed.
"What the hell was that all about?"
She was the next one on the list of people to talk to, but he needed this with Willow to be in private. It was only fair.
"Why don't you sit down for a bit Wills."
Xander gestured to the chair he had vacated earlier and as she sat down he dropped to the floor next to her seating himself with his legs crossed feeling completely at ease in this office that was as much part of his teenage years as the Bronze in some ways. After a moment's hesitation Xander reached out for her hand and held it with one of his. Looking down at the small hand Xander couldn't help but envision the same hands shooting black magic towards him at Kingman's Bluff and later holding 'the scythe' while calling those who were never meant to be called. Such power could they wield these small hands, so much destruction were they capable of, but still so much kindness there. Now, still there. Get on with it Harris! No rest for the wicked.
"All right Willow. I'm not sure how to begin telling you this actually so you'll have to forgive me if I babble some okay?"
"You don't babble Xan, that's my forte. You just sort of, say a lot of things sometimes in a short time, that's all."
Xander smiled, that was his Willow girl, always helpful. If only she'd stay as sweet. All right so that was a bit unfair, you couldn't stay sweet on the Hellmouth and survive, but he could dream couldn't he?
"Right. Thanks Wills. Anyways. This is the situation. There are some things that I've never told you about before that I need to tell you now. Things about me and who I am and who I'm gonna be from now on. You know I'm not as stupid as I sometimes let on and although I joke around a lot I can actually be quite serious too when I want to be. And although I've let some guys, specifically Larry get the best of me at times it's never actually been because I can't stand up for myself. Whenever someone was mean to you or Jess I always stuck up for you right? And I did some things that weren't exactly nice in the progress. I'm not sure if you know about the times I've beat somebody up for you guys behind your backs. I never really wanted you to know about it cause you're my Willow girl you know and I know you don't like violence. The thing is that I know that violence is sometimes necessary and if I can I will do what I have to so that nobody else'll have to stand the consequences. But enough about that. As I said I'm not as stupid as I might act, actually I'm really rather smart."
"Sure you are, Xander. I know you are and did I thank you for standing up for me and stuff? I think I did, I should have done. I did thank you, didn't I. Oh gods XanderI'msorryIdidn'tmeantobeuungratefulandifI'veimpliedyou'reanythingbutsmartI'm really, really sorry."
Xander cut her off with a copy of his old goofy smile. He just couldn't help himself, this was his Willow, not Red, one of the most powerful witches in the world.
"It's allright Willow, this isn't critique on you. I'm just leading up to some stuff. Bare with me okay? Anyway as I was saying I actually like to read and I'm interested in things like the Hellmouth. I know some languages and have read a lot about demons and things. Of course I've never actually met any before, but I was always interested. I believe in magic, mostly because I can do some stuff and I have what you could call a sixth sense. I dream things and sometimes I see things when awake too and know things that I shouldn't."
"Wow, Xander are you serious? Why did you never tell me? Can you dream of exams and stuff? Oh my god, that's why you never study, that must be so great!"
"Willow, Willow, no. That's not it at all and about magic, well. You're a science geek, Wills. I didn't think you'd be interested. What I'm leading up to is this: despite my seer abilities if you so will I was not able to save Jess before it was too late. Some things just aren't meant to be changed I guess. Jessie and I we were kinda involved Willow. He was my boyfriend, that's why I've pretended that I didn't know you were interested in me. We never told you because we had only been seeing each other like that for a few months and we didn't want to hurt you. I'm sorry."
He took a deep, steadying breath.
"The reason I'm telling you all of this now is because I've decided that I'm gonna keep on working with Buffy and Giles against the forces of darkness. I would have done so regardless, but I have extra…incentive now because of Jessie. Willow… Jessie was caught by the vampires the day before yesterday, yeah, but we didn't find him. He was turned and yesterday he showed up at the Bronze. I had to stake him then. He's dead Willow. Jessie's dead."
Tears were streaming down her white face and tears were flooding down his cheeks as well. Oh, lookie I can still cry. Fucking life. Fucking powers that bloody be. Blood on their hands and I have to wash it.
"Oh God, Oh God, Oh God…."
The low whining litany was sounding breathed from Willow's lips over and over again as she slowly began rocking on the chair. Worried Xander manhandled her down so that she was cradled in his arms. His tears still flowing freely at the sight of her distress and he reflected back to a similar position those years ago at Kingman's Bluff. Comfortador the First Slayer had called him in a somewhat condescending manor. It was true too; like he was the protector he was the comforter. In the previous timeline he had neglected the first in favour of the second. This time around he would strive to be both.
"Sschh… Wills it's all right. It's all right. Jessie is fine now. The guys upstairs even gave him a job. He's a guardian angel now. That's why I couldn't save him. Sschh…hush now baby girl."
He held her until her sobs quieted down and she started taking long breaths to calm. Then he leaned back a little and produced some tissues that he had had the foresight to bring with him. He pushed the hair out of her face and handed her the paper.
"Here ya go Willster. Feeling better now?"
"Little. Xan, why couldn't you just tell me? I would have understood."
"Ah, Will. As I said about the magic, you're a science geek and anyway, I wasn't sure enough about things myself to talk about it and me and Jess…well we were going to tell you. Just waiting on the right time to tell you. We wanted to be sure and you know, be just together for a while without angst. Okay?"
"Hm. 'Kay. Xan… Jessie's dead."
"I know Wills. I know."
The quiet words of acceptance triggered another crying fit and Xander held his old friend in his arms until they had both cried tears of release. It felt good to be able to share his emotions with Willow like this. As the years passed they had grown further and further apart and Willow had grown cold. That was one of the things that he was absolutely determined to prevent.
After the tears had dried they sat a while longer just holding on to each other before Willow finally moved away. Xander helped her up off of the floor and they headed out to the main library once more.
"You gonna be all right Wills?"
"Sure. I just, I need some time you know Xan. I'd like to go home for a while, think on this."
Xander looked outside. It wasn't dark yet.
"Yeah, that might be a good idea. If you wanna talk I… Well actually I'm not really sure where I'm gonna be, but I'll swing by here after lunch probably."
"Actually Xan. How about I just meet you on Monday as usual…"
Xander's heart clenched.
"Wills…"
"I know. I just… Monday Xan, okay?"
He sighed defeated.
"Yeah okay, Monday."
He took her slight frame in his arms and kissed her forehead gently before letting go.
"I love you Willow girl."
"Yeah. I love you too. Bye."
As she turned he could see a stray tear running down her cheek, but he let it go. She hurried out and he let his eyes linger a while on her retreating back before turning to the sound of a dull thudding in the training area of the library. Smiling slightly at the familiar sound of boxing gloves striking on training pads he went over in that direction.
"Hey Buffy. Take it easy on the gloves, they haven't hurt you have they?"
She threw her hair in the opposite direction before turning her head towards him and shooting off a blinding smile.
"Nah, they're nice enough these days it's just the stuffy librarian guy that won't tell me what's going down."
"Ah."
He nodded knowingly.
"In that case, you might want to take out your frustrations on the guilty party instead namely me. You mind taking a break Giles. Let me talk to your slayer for a bit?"
"Well if you must."
The tone was put out, but Xander could feel the gratefulness there. Wow, he'd forgotten how Buffy could pound on Giles too when she was in a mood. Strange since he'd taken his share of punishment as well over the years in her training sessions. They hadn't had to put up with that kind of thing as much in the later years thanks too Spike's presence. Having supernatural strength he provided a much more fitting sparring partner and of course Buffy enjoyed kicking his ass. Xander shook his head internally. Poor Spike, everybody's favourite punching bag.
Well. Giles didn't seem too much worse for wear. Actually he looked quite good. Xander had catalogued all the changes in the man of course when first meeting him again, but it was not until now that he really let himself react to them. Wow. Giles must have aged 20 years during the 7 they had fought together. In the here and now he didn't look that old at all. Maybe in his 40's.
Xander shook his head inwardly. Well that was good. A youngish Giles meant he would be easier to reconcile with Ripper once more. Wonder where Ethan is right now. I always figured those two had more of a history than either would confirm. I have a feeling that they actually need each other. That was a thought for later though.
He returned his attention to the slayer that was removing the boxing gloves from her hands. Now this was going to be interesting. The problem with Buffy in the previous timeline had been twofold on the one hand she couldn't really accept working with 'normals' on the other hand she was extremely possessive of her perceived place of Alpha and would sooner or later attack or turn away from anyone that looked to rival her in strength or influence somehow. That was the main reason why Xander had treaded the fine line before. He'd let her have her kingdom and that had gotten all shot to hell, literally. So, new plan. He'd have to deprogram her of this chosen one nonsense. Sure she was chosen, but she wasn't the only fighter in the world and not necessarily the most important player out there and definitely not anymore.
"So Buffy. You want to know what's going on? Let's take a seat then shall we?"
He gestured to the 'research table' and headed there before her taking the same seat he chose when first entering.
Buffy approached the table with a suspicious look on her face but sunk down on the chair directly opposite his own in a boneless sprawl that spoke of complete relaxation if you hadn't worked beside Buffy for the last 7-8 years and knew the tell tale signs of her being ready to spring.
"Well, I'm listening."
She said in her usual slightly arrogant way while playing with a stake she'd picked up on the way over.
"Actually I'd really appreciated it if you did, listen that is and not just assume I'm the next big bad on your target list. Wanna' get rid of the wooden implement for me Buffster?"
"Huh?"
She looked down on the stake and smiled self-consciously.
"Sorry."
She threw the stake away to the other side of the room where it landed square centre in the dummy's chest. Scary.
"Oookay then. I've already spoken to Willow and Giles about this so I guess now it's your time to get the 410 of the Xand-man."
"Buffy. Though in my 16 years of living on the Hellmouth I never encountered a vampire that I was aware of before you came to town I do know some things about the supernatural. It's a hobby of mine I guess. I've read tons of dusty old volumes about the subject and I also have some magical knowledge that could maybe be useful in the slayage around here. Which is what I intend to use it for. Besides that I have some seer capabilities, but they're not really the type of things you can use on command. I'm telling you this though so that you know that if and when I tell you I know something about someone or that something is going down, you can trust my word and let me bother with how or why I know stuff. So I'm gonna be fighting and researching with you and Giles from now on, 'kay?"
Buffy blinked, once, twice, then frowned.
"Knowledge guy, gotcha."
"Yeah."
He smiled.
"I guess you could call me that. But I'm an action kinda guy too so if you expect me to take the same approach to slaying as your watcher then you've got another thing coming. I know how to handle myself in a fight and I'm training to be better."
"Look, Xander. I respect that you know stuff and apparently are like this oracle type guy or whatever, but slaying's dangerous and it's my job to do. So if you just hang with Giles and do with the researching and pointing me in the right direction I can take it from there."
Xander frowned and shook his head.
"No. Not okay. Look Buffy I know you've got this whole chosen spiel running around in your head and the prime directive of fight, protect, kill, but it can be good to have other people around in a fight you know. You might be a supernaturally charged power package, but you're still mostly human and above all you are not invincible. Someday there's gonna be a big nasty coming your way that is just bigger and nastier than you can handle or you'll simply be caught outnumbered by your foes. When that happens and I do mean when, not if, you'll be grateful to have somebody around to watch your back just as you watch theirs. The rest of the world has an equal right to fight the darkness on their own terms Buffy. You might be chosen for this fight, but that does not mean that it's all about you. You're a drafted soldier with some perks, but if there weren't volunteers to fight this war too do you really think that we'd all still be alive?"
Buffy sat silent for a while and looked down at the table seemingly deep in thought.
"I guess you're right. I never really thought about it, ya know. Being a slayer has just always been this thing where I feel like no matter what I'm always alone and I always knew that I'd die alone to. This unsung hero. It was kinda romantic you know, in a twisted, not so much kinda way. But I'd really prefer the staying alive bit, if I get a choice. And I guess there's gotta be more people out there doing something, maybe not what I do. But there's gotta be people fighting 'cuz otherwise it's like you said, we'd all be dead."
She looked up and locked eyes with him nodding decisively.
"You wanna fight. That's fine with me. Just don't get killed or I'm gonna seriously be kicking your ass."
Buffy offered her tiny hand to shake over the table and Xander grasped it with a smile on his lips.
"It's a deal."
Having shook on it they both relaxed slightly and Buffy shot a thoughtful look towards the double doors of the library.
"So, was that why Willow left? She didn't like you joining in with the slayage full time?"
"No. Well I don't think so. It's more about the things I didn't tell her before and I gave her some very bad news too which I should probably share with you. The guy who got caught with Willow? The one we couldn't save from Darla? That's the name of that blonde vampire bitch by the way. Well. You actually met him once. His name was Jessie and he was my sort of boyfriend."
Xander took a deep steadying breath, damn but this was getting to him. He'd talked about Jessie more in the last few hours than he could remember ever having talked about him before. After the last time he'd staked him he'd pretty much just shut down that whole part of his brain. As far as he knew, Willow in the previous timeline didn't even know about the vampire bit. He'd never had the heart to tell her. He'd used to go around to his parents from time to time to check up on them and he'd go to the hidden clearing in the forest where they'd used to head off to, to just be together. Sometimes he'd talk to Jessie there like he was still around, but he had hardly ever mentioned his name to another live being again.
"Well. He, Jessie had been turned and he came around to the Bronze and was threatening people and there was this confrontation and I staked him. Right in the heart on the first try, he went poof and that as they say was that."
He tried fro a slight humorous tone at the end, but he choked on it. So he offered a sad smile instead.
Buffy looked gobsmacked for a second before utilizing those slayer enhancements and coming over to his side of the table before he had hardly time to react. Her tiny arms wound around his shoulders and her head landed on top of his and she squeezed.
"God, Xander. I'm so sorry. You've got to be devastated and here I'm talking about how you shouldn't fight. Damn right you should. Revenge doesn't warm the bed at night but it sure as hell beats doing nothing at all!"
Xander snaked an arm up and held on to one of hers revelling in the feeling of his friends arms around him. There hadn't been much room for hugs in the latest years of fighting and the last year he'd hardly set eyes on any of the old Scooby gang.
"Yeah thanks…"
He managed to choke out feeling a tight knot forming in his throat once more. Damn, he was so emotional it wasn't even funny. Jessie had been gone for years now and Buffy was his friend again, still, or whatever. There was no reason to cry. Closing his eyes tight Xander inhaled deeply through his nose and put himself together again.
"I'm gonna be allright Buffy. I'm knowledge guy remember and I know that Jessie's somewhere doing important things right now. Death isn't really the end you know."
"You mean, you know, know?"
Her head left his and she gazed down on him with a questioning face.
"Yep. Apparently he's some kind of guardian angel or something."
Buffy beamed.
"That's great! You know, that you can know those things. I mean it doesn't change that he's dead and you know, not here. But it' still of the good, right?"
"Right."
Xander nodded and smiled before he stood and hugged her once more.
"Thanks Buff. I'm gonna go now. I've got one more stop to do on my 'tell all' list before I call it a night. You gonna be here tomorrow though?"
"Yep."
She nodded and offered another bright smile.
"I've gotta punish those gloves some more you know."
"Yeah, I know. All right, I'll be by here tomorrow then. Have a good night Buffy and be careful if you're going on patrol. We're not out of the woods yet."
"All right. You be careful too and good luck with your friend."
Internally Xander winced at that honest well wishing. Yeah thanks Buff, I'm gonna head off and seduce the love of your life now. Ciao.
"Thanks, Buff. C ya."
"Giles!"
He shouted towards the back of the book cages.
"You bellowed?"
Giles responded in a dry voice as he appeared.
"Yeah. Sorry. I'm heading out now, but I thought I'd come back tomorrow and was wondering if you want me to sit down with you and review what books I've read and just generally taking my measure and swap some knowledge and stuff."
"That actually sounds like a most excellent idea Xander. I shall except you bright and early then?"
Xander winced.
"Not that early. I'm heading off to a friend for a not so pleasant chat about you know what and it'll probably be an all nighter, so sometime before or after lunch probably. If that's okay?"
"That will be fine then. Good luck and good night to you."
"Thanks, you too."
With that. Xander headed out of the library to his next and most dreaded stop of the night: Angel's place.