Well I suppose here goes part 2 of what looks to be an agonizingly long fic. It's just as well that my schedule is pretty free until September. Still have to find a job for the interim though... and unless there's an anime watching job going in my area that I don't know about that's gonna suck. Anyway, let the fic begin! Well, continue. Even though in a sense this is a new chapter so it's beginning again, sort of. So let it continue to begin! Or begin to continue. I hate you all, you know.
XVII: Tears
Shinji knew that he was not the most mentally or emotionally stable person in the world. As such he was pleasantly surprised to find that he was in fact not on the floor of his room curled into a ball and rocking back and forth whimpering. He felt that this was a personal success. Instead he was sat on his bed and leveling a very calm, collected and most importantly, not hysterical look at Shamshel, a bronze skinned girl who claimed to be the spiritual essence of the Forth Angel and who was now seemingly bonded to him.
Shinji could feel the urge to curl up becoming nearly overpowering.
Shamshel kept darting glances between his forearm and the wall, where two nearly perfect holed had been bored. Only a few tiny cracks were leading away from each, a testament to the precision of the hole's creation. Eventually she seemed to calm down and her slightly guilty gaze settled on Shinji's own.
"This could have something to do with me..." Shinji was extremely familiar with sarcasm, mostly as a direct result of living with Misato and Asuka, and he was more than willing to put his familiarity with sarcasm to good use, but mastered himself to the best of his ability.
"What makes you think that?" The look he received conveyed that his control was far from iron clad. He waved it off and spoke again. "Sorry. What has this got to do with you?" The golden eyed young woman bounced down at the foot of his bed as Shinji moved back a little to make room.
"My memories of our fight are... cloudy but I think most of my abilities were short range, right? The body I was given was designed primarily for close quarters combat and the weaponry I had was suited to that purpose." The listening boy absently rubbed his stomach through his shirt, imagining that he could still feel the vibrant whips lance through his body. He agreed that they were certainly suited to their purpose. "I think you have... inherited that characteristic. Whatever those things were, by the way they carved open that wall they seem to be effective. I think it's the same mechanism, just adapting itself to suit you're bodily configuration." It sounded reasonable. Freaky, but reasonable.
"So, I've got those bone things inside my arms now?" Shinji traced his fingers across where the spikes had erupted from his skin, slightly nervous in his probing. Shamshel watched in curiosity, as interested as Shinji in the results of the cursory examination. Lightly touching both sides of his forearm Shinji shook his head in wonder. "No way. There's no way that something that big could be inside my arm. There isn't enough room." He gestured helplessly, indicating the thinness of his arm.
The girl shook her head.
"I think it's more likely that the bones in your arm have developed the ability to calcify at tremendous speeds. Basically every time you need those... blades or whatever they are, the bones in your arms make them by creating bone on demand." She shrugged. "It's pretty cool if you think about it." Shinji found himself agreeing absently before realising how absurd the situation was. His cheek was beginning to hurt as well. Touching it lightly he found it was very tender.
It seemed that his avian roommate had tried to snap him out of his 'trance' by slapping him a couple of times. A penguin's flipper was quite firm and stung considerably if you were hit with it. This new realization made him feel slightly less guilty about nearly turning him into a penguin kebab.
He began to flex his arm the way he had before, but paused and moved away from the walls slightly. He was unsure how he was going to explain the two holes already there without making more. Cautiously flexing his arm, he watched as the bone scythes slowly slipped through his arm, parting the skin without blood. He switched his gaze to his other arm and repeated the procedure, providing the same results. Shamshel flipped to her feet, looking far to excited for the boy's liking. Slowly circling around him, he heard her gasp once she saw his back and quickly turned his head to find out what had disturbed her, fearing that he had grown a tail without noticing. Unfortunately she continued to move with him, following so that she was always had his back in sight. This resulted in Shinji spinning on the spot trying to catch up with Shamshel who seemed content to remain just outside of his view.
Eventually Shinji stopped, feeling like an idiot.
"There's more calcification back here. It's not like your arms but it's like you've got a layer of bone just under the skin over your spine." Shinji retracted his blades and reached over fearfully to touch the indicated areas. As he touched it, he could feel the unnatural hardness of the skins surface. It melted away as he probed further though. "Hmm. Looks like it's triggered the same as the blades. It just takes a little longer to disappear." Shinji wasn't listening. It had only just occurred to him that he had dismissed the bone scythes almost without thought, with none of the care and caution he had used to summon them. It was as if it were second nature to him, something he could do without thinking, like breathing. He was not comfortable with that thought.
Sitting heavily on the bed, reality crashed down upon him.
"What the hell's happening to me...?" Shamshel paused and crouched next to him so that she was looking up into his face, unsure how to offer comfort. She opened her mouth, unsure what to say. He noticed her presence as she was about to speak. "If you wouldn't mind I'd like some time to myself please." The boy smiled weakly as he made the request, not looking at her. He didn't see her face drop at her perceived failure to cheer him up, but did look up in time to see her sad face fade from view as she allowed herself to be pulled back inside him, into the forgotten memory she seemed to like.
Shinji found his hands reaching out for his SDAT before he had thought about it, seeking the oblivion the music brought, even if he really didn't listen to it anymore. He sighed realising that it hadn't really helped him in a long time. The memories were still there and so were the new truths that he had to accept. Playing music wasn't going to help.
Sitting on his bed, the ancient SDAT player cradled in his hands, Shinji was startled to hear someone knock on his door. Putting down the cassette player Shinji moved to his door, sliding it open to reveal his mauve haired guardian, fully dressed in her Nerv uniform.
"C'mon Shinji! You've got sync tests today, remember?" Actually he hadn't. Since the.. death of the seventeenth Angel, Shinji's sync ratio had dropped continuously. It now stood at just below his initial ratio when he had first piloted the Evangelion against the Third. Sitting in the plug that had swallowed his mother had become harder and harder since his friend had died. He was so wrapped up in trying to flee the memories that without any reference point he no longer knew what day it was most of the time. He wasn't quite sure now.
"Yes, Misato. Let's get going." He walked past her, his voice flat and unemotional.
His guardian followed him with her eyes, suddenly feeling that she was missing too much of her ward's life.
'I could never be a mother.'
Humanity had survived many predators in it's bid to claw it's collective way to the top of the food chain. Many species were stronger, many were faster and many were more durable, but very few were metallic blue, rear-wheel drive only or driven by Misato Katsuragi, the woman who violated several international laws by simply getting inside an automobile. Unable to adopt the crash position because of his seat belt, Shinji settled for screaming incoherently ever so often as another of the laws of physics was sideswiped out of the way. Currently he was trying not to look out of the passenger window, because Misato's last corner had left the car on two wheels and his view now consisted of tarmac whizzing past at speeds that made him nauseous to think about. Slowing briefly to allow the car to fall back onto it's allocated four wheels, Misato continued to ignore traffic regulations, traffic signs, the policeman clinging to the front window and the new summer line which had been adorning the front window of a major department store. It was now adorning the front bumper and the aforementioned policeman in about equal measure.
'Who'd have thought he would look good in pastel pink?' Trying to avoid making awkward eye contact with the officer, who was now clinging to the windscreen wiper for purchase and shrieking loudly, Shinji concentrated on the ecstatic cries of glee that were emanating from inside his head. Shamshel had stopped being silent about five seconds after Misato had turned the key. About the same time Shinji started screaming really. He was glad in a way that she was enjoying herself so much. Watching her downcast face fade from view had made Shinji feel guilty.
'It's her first time talking to someone in God knows how long. I should try to be more understanding of her. It's not her fault after all.' Besides she struck him as someone naturally cheerful, like Asuka at times but without the... everything else. Seeing her so despondent made him feel like he'd smacked a puppy with a golf-club. As much as he could feel any emotion aside from abject terror when Misato was driving - 'There goes the officer... straight into the cafe window...' - he felt glad that she wasn't sad any longer.
Most of the time Shinji stayed silent during the trips to and from Nerv with his guardian. Admittedly this was mostly lately he'd been too depressed to talk much, but it was also because any conversation he had with his raven haired guardian was punctuated with embarrassingly girlish shrieks and frantic orders to 'not maim the innocents' on the sidewalks.
So Shinji was content to stay silent during the journey, listening to the woops and howls of joy inside his head and implanting his fingers further and further into the dashboard.
Arriving at Nerv HQ, Shinji forwent his usual ritual of kissing the ground and thanking Buddha that he was still alive, when he was certain that Misato wasn't watching. Instead he followed the Major through the maze of corridors, refraining from yelping in fright when Shamshel materialised next to him, looking as if she had coalesced from the particles in the air. Throwing a small smile at Shinji, she still looked a little hurt and guilty. Despite the growing depression and emotional detachment he felt as they walked deeper into the corridors, he smiled at her as best he could after he had confirmed Misato wasn't watching. Her small smile transformed into a beam in return. Splitting off from Misato at the intersection that would lead him to the pilot's changing rooms, a thought occurred to him as he watched Shamshel looking around her like a awe struck child, eyes wide at the size of the complex.
"Shamshel... are Nerv gonna be able to detect you're presence here? I mean like when I'm in the Eva?" The girl grinned at him and shook her head.
"Nope. I've been inside since that time you touched my core remember? If they didn't notice then, they won't notice now." Shinji relaxed and turned the last corner into the changing rooms. Seeing Rei's silhouette on the other side of the dividing curtain the boy paused and frowned, before hurrying to his locker to retrieve his plug-suit. Quickly stripping off his shirt he realised with a start that Shamshel was still with him. In his surprise he slammed his leg into a locker, causing a resounding clang to echo in the locker room. He hopped around the room alternating between nursing his shin and glaring silently at the giggling girl only he could see.
"Pilot Ikari? Is there something wrong?" Shinji trying to freeze in place mid-hop and nearly fell over, catching himself at the last minute stopping his fall.
"E-Everything is fine Ayanami. Just an accident, that's all." Shinji could see her shadow shifting on the other side of the curtain before she responded.
"Very well." He heard the distinctive sound of her plug-suit pressurising and the door opening to let her out. He released a breath he didn't realize he had been holding and turned to the bronze girl.
"A little privacy?" Shamshel blushed quickly and hurried through the curtain to the girl's half of the locker room. Changing hurriedly, he fought the instinctive shudder he fell prey to every time he watched her do things like that. Slipping the connecters into place in his hair, he pressed the small button on his wrist that pressurised the suit, moulding it to his body. He had a quick flashback to the first time he had met Asuka and thanked the powers that be that at least this suit was designed with men in mind. Her's had been a little uncomfortable.
Apparently hearing the telltale sign of the suits activation, Shamshel stuck her head through the curtain, much to Shinji's discomfort. Seeing him dressed, she walked through the completely insubstantial barrier and stood next to him. Feeling a little uncomfortable standing in a suit that emphasised just how thin he actually was, Shinji took note that the fabric was actually feeling a little tight around the chest, arms and across his back as well. The suits, because they pressurised and moulded to the body of the wearer, did not have to be replaced very often. The one he wore now was pretty much the same as the one he had always worn and had not needed adjusting to compensate for his extra inches of growth during his time at Nerv. He suddenly wondered if he should talk to Dr Akagi about replacing the suit.
Shrugging it off he turned to Shamshel.
"What are you going to do when I'm in my plug? You can't come in with me anyway. It'll distract me and they will certainly notice that." The girl grinned.
"I'll hang out on the bridge and watch. Break a leg!" Cheerfully disappearing through the door, once again without it opening, she left Shinji to muse that, that was one injury he had yet to suffer. Soon the only sounds he heard were the soft padding of his own feet as he walked down the corridor towards his Evangelion.
Shamshel watched the main display intently, a large screen showing the plug's internal feeds. Shinji's plug depth was deeper than that of the cerulean haired girl, who was being tested in Asuka's Unit 02 in her absence. The destruction of her machine had led to repeated testing in the red Evangelion, hoping to provide Nerv with at least too battle ready Evas. The recent rounds of testing had all been conducted inside the actual plugs rather than the test-bodies. For Rei it was too provide the Magi with a set of data parameters so they could re-configure Unit 02 for her effectively, should they be able to do so. For Shinji it was hoped this would boost his flagging scores.
Shamshel had found that she was unable to 'project' herself any significant distance. As things stood she was at the limit of her range, straining to keep herself together. If her concentration broke she would whiplash back into Shinji, and she wasn't sure what such an abrupt return would do to either of them. She was wound so tight now that she was unable to ease herself back into Shinji. She feared that she would waver and lose control. Besides that another feeling kept her here. A feeling that had strengthened as she approached the Evangelions. Unable to investigate further on her own, she had opted to remain where she was.
The eternally energetic girl studied the young man's concentrated face as he sought to sync with the puppet that swallowed his mother from her position between the two male technicians. Aside from them and another young woman the only two people present were Misato and a Ritsuko Akagi, a name she knew from Shinji's memory alone.
The test had been running for an hour already and since she knew better than to distract Shinji, she had nothing to do. To be blunt, she was bored. Settling down in the middle of the floor she adopted a cross legged position and leant her chin on her palm, she waited for the test to end so she could talk to Shinji again. It had been longer than she could remember since she had been able to talk to one of her brethren and any conversations with Shinji were cherished. It had made her sad when it seemed he didn't want to talk to her anymore. It made her feel like a burden. It was a feeling she didn't have often and one she did not like.
Frowning momentarily as she contemplated this, she was jarred out of her introspection by the blonde doctor's words.
"Looks like Shinji's score has gone up a little. He's just about back to where he was before." Relation's between the Major and the blonde woman seemed strained, pressured by recent events and factors that Shamshel had no knowledge of.
"He is slowly getting better then." Misato's tone was flat, making it clear she had little to say to Dr Akagi, though pitching her voice low to make sure that the feed to the plug did not pick it up. The blonde ignored her reticence to talk.
"He needs to get better faster. What would happen if there was another Angel attack in the near future. We would be defenseless." Misato scowled at the woman as she finished speaking.
"Not so long ago he killed a friend Ritsuko!" Her voice softened. "Give him time to grieve." Ritsuko snorted.
"The Fifth Child was an Angel-"
"The Fifth Child was Shinji's friend. That's all that matters to him."
"Right now Shinji is the only defense mankind has. We don't have the luxury of him being childish Misato!" Enraged the mauve haired woman spun on the doctor, scowling.
"Perhaps you should consider that Shinji can walk away from this anytime he want's to Ritsuko! And there is nothing here to hold him! I thank God every day he decides to stay! You think you could do his job Ritsuko? You think you could have fought the Angels?" It was becoming apparent that the other three people on duty were becoming uncomfortable in the tense atmosphere, their posts forgotten as they shot each other uneasy glances and tried to ignore what was happening behind them.
"I can't pilot the Eva, Misato! Only he can! It's his duty!" Misato snorted.
"You wouldn't even have the guts to get inside an Eva! But you're happy to send a child into battle for you!"
"He has to pilot the Eva Misato! We don't have any other choices! No one else can even sync with Unit 01." The two women glared at each other while Shamshel and the other's watched. Rei Ayanami's voice split the tearse silence
"It is difficult to concentrate when there is so much outside noise. Are you going to continue?" Shamshel watched as Misato blanched and spun to the monitor, ignoring Ritsuko entirely. Shamshel followed her gaze. The pictures of the two pilots side by side still dominated the screen and it was obvious that the majority of the argument had been audible to both pilots.
Rei Ayanami's crimson eyes pinioned the bridge crew, her face flat and devoid of emotion. Shamshel believed however that a hint of anger stirred in the depths though. Anger at the distraction, or anger at their carelessness bordering on stupidity was not clear. Turning her attention to Shinji, she saw his eyes were closed as they had been before but his jaws were clenched, the only sign he gave that he had heard. Misato looked crushed and even Ritsuko seemed sheepish at her outburst.
"Shinji... I-"
"It's ok Misato. Don't worry about it." His eyes remained closed. It seemed to surprise everyone when he spoke again. "And do not worry Dr Akagi. I won't be leaving any time soon. I have no where else to go." With that the internal feed cut off, leaving the picture of Rei alone on the screen. The three techs looked astonished at Shinji's words, giving Shamshel the impression that he didn't speak in such a manner often. Ritsuko Akagi avoided meeting anyone's gaze. Misato looked like she was about to burst into tears. The insubstantial girl was left feeling like she had witnessed a private conversation, an eavesdropper who had no right to be there.
Rei closed her eyes and returned to syncing with Asuka's Eva. Everyone else attempted to pretend nothing had happened.
Shinji breathed out, the sepia liquid feeling heavy in his lungs. The ill-thought conversation he had just heard did little to cheer him, nor did his unusually forceful response. As much as he appreciated Misato's concern it was Ritsuko's words that struck a chord with him. He was a commodity. Only here to fulfil a use. To pilot Unit 01 into battle. He could see Shamshel standing behind Misato, looking lost as the argument had raged.
He reminded himself to apologize to her later. He had not meant to be so short with her before. But now he had other matters to attend to. The test was scheduled for another hour and he was stuck where he was.
Closing his eyes and taking a deep breath of the cool LCL, he leant back into his seat and tried to connect with his Eva. Looking inward he tried to delve deep, deeper into the core of the beast. While in the plug, the beast surrounded him. It had it's own heart and sometimes had it's own mind and now he knew in it's deepest depths it had a soul within it too, but it needed another, a being within it to fire it's soul and give it life. Like a golem it needed a reason to live, a reason for it's very existence itself. And that could only come from it's pilot. Blocking the sounds from within the plug, the sound of his breathing, the sound of his hands flexing softly on the butterfly controls, the sound of his heart beating within his chest, he delved, seeking the depths of the Evangelion, seeking the connection between man and beast.
Looking within, he tried to open his mind to the Eva, like a new bulb blooming towards the sun, opening and welcoming it's warmth. Time lost it's meaning. There was nothing but the beast around him. The connection was made and sealed seamlessly, no trace of the join between the two component parts. Shinji could feel the cool bakalite around his arms, the tightness of the cage holding him in place. He could feel the glare of the huge spotlights focused on him, harsh on the lids of his eyes.
All distant, all separate. He could feel himself, both the size he was accustomed to and at the same time unimaginably small as his consciousness flitted between the Eva and his body unable to settle on either, unable to decide if he barely topped five feet or if he towered over fifty stories. And then he felt it.
Like a ripple on the water and a breeze through the leaves, he didn't know what the cause was, only the after effects. He could hear the calls...
His eyes snapped open staring into a dark plug, unilluminated by the comm channels. He had turned it off. He remembered. No one outside could have called to him. Unsettled he shifted slightly, trying to work some feeling back into his ass. Closing his eyes once again he sought out the connection he felt had been lost, the severing as complete as the joining had been.
"...Can you hear me?..." Jerking forward, Shinji twisted in his seat unable to pinpoint where the sounds had come from. Licking his lips he stared around him, suddenly afraid of the plug and remembering his one month absence after the 14th. "... hear me?..."
"M-Mom...? Is that you?"
Shinji remained silent, afraid of the voice and it's implications, afraid of-
"Dr Akagi! Shinji's sync ratio is climbing! Fast!" Snapping her gaze away from the purple Evangelion below her, Ritsuko Akagi hurried to Maya's station, disturbed by her subordinates near panic.
"What's it standing at?"
"One hundred and ten! One twenty-five and rising! It's getting faster!"
"What's going on Ritsuko?" Misato lurched forward to stare at the behemoth and flinched away gasping, seeing it's eyes illuminated from within.
"I don't know! It's still rising! It won't stop! Cut the connections!" The three techs hands whipped across their keyboards, trying to outrun the protocols the Evangelion was transmitting, trying to cut it off before it could activate. Maya's strained voice rang out across the bridge.
"It's not working! The cut off signals being rejected... from within the plug! Three forty and still rising!"
"It's happening again..." Misato whispered staring terrified at the monster before her.
"Four hundred. He's gone."
Shamshel gasped as she found her spiritual essence snatched away from it's purchase and was ripped across the ether, trying to connect with Shinji, who wasn't there anymore.
The sound of crying was what woke him up. Soft crying, the crying that comes after the body has run out of sobs and all is left is lethargic tears, unable to stop but unable to carry on either. Shinji sat up, staring around himself trying to figure out exactly where he was.
'Where am I?' It was dark. Straining his eyes Shinji sought anything in the shadow that surrounded him, but could not make out any shapes or textures. He looked down and found there was nothing underneath him despite what his limbs felt. There was just darkness, like everywhere else.
"Can you hear me now?"
"Wah!" Trying to scramble away from a voice he couldn't pinpoint and attempting to run in three opposing directions at once Shinji felt his feet slip from beneath him and deposit him in an uncomfortable pose on the floor. The voice, high and piping and definitely female, giggled.
"Silly! Didn't that hurt?" Shinji grunted trying to extricate himself from himself, feeling very much like God was laughing at his expense. he climbed back to his feet looking about him warily, though the voice didn't sound like one who wished him harm.
"Um...Where are you?" The darkness was making him a little uneasy.
"Oh! I'm sorry." A point of light formed before him, flaring brighter and brighter as he watched. Soon he had to shield his eyes from the glare as it grew, unrelenting. even through his fingers he could see the brilliant glow until it reached it's peak and flickered out, plunging the featureless plain back into darkness. Blinking the tears out of his eyes, Shinji tried to focus in the shape before him.
A girl. A young girl of perhaps nine or ten, clad in a thin but opaque robe of white fabric. Her eyes were bright blue and sparkled with excitement. Her hair was long and so dark it seemed to have highlights of midnight blue that wavered and shimmered as her hair swayed and swung about her. She was grinning at him ecstatically and Shinji was briefly reminded of Shamshel and her glee.
"Is this better?" The little girl asked earnestly, her eyes wide and hopeful.
"Er.. yeah. Erm... who... are you?"
"I'm Eve!"
"Wah?"
"What's you're name?" The girl took a few steps closer and looked up at him, her cerulean eyes blinking.
"Ah... I'm Shinji." The girl beamed again. Feeling a little discomforted at the girl's scrutiny, Shinji looked around himself again. "Where are we?"
"We're in the big woman." Shinji frowned looking at the girl.
"The big woman?" The girl nodded.
"Yeah. Sometimes I can see through her eyes and everyone outside is so small! So she must be really big!" Suddenly it clicked.
'She means the Eva. Looks like I got sucked into the Evangelion again. The Eva's a she? But I don't remember any of this and the only person in Unit 01 is Mom. So...' He looked down at the blue haired girl before him. '... who's she?'
"Will you play with me? I don't get to play with people often. I can't speak to Evandiel anymore because something happened..." Her face dropped. "I think something bad happened. Something hurt him. And Eva... she's gone too. I can't hear her anymore." Tears welled in the girl's eyes and began to slip down her face. "I'm all alone." Her voice was small.
Shinji stared at the little girl crying in front of him, hardly hearing any of what she spoke. She reminded him so much of Mari Suzahara, the little girl his first sortie had crippled and a fist of guilt smashed down around him for the girl before him and Mari and her brother whom he had nearly killed. Squatting in front of the girl he placed a gentle hand on her shoulder, feeling the soft material under his palm. Her tears stopped instantly and she looked up at him with her light blue eyes, sniffling quietly.
"It doesn't look like I'm going anywhere for a while. So what game do you want to play?" Her face broke into a smile and she dived at Shinji, nearly unbalancing him. Her small arms wrapped around his neck in a hug.
"Thank you! Sometimes the lost lady comes to play with me, but it's been a long time since I saw her. I hope she's ok." Shinji stiffened slightly.
'She must mean Mom. Mom plays with her?' Somehow he found the notion that there was a mini family inside his Evangelion disquieting. A sudden pressure on his forehead jarred him out of his contemplation and his eyes crossed as he tried to focus on what was before him. Eve giggled, her finger poking him in the head.
"You're it!" The small girl darted away, her laughter trailing behind her. Shaking away his earlier thoughts Shinji blinked and hauled himself to his feet, chasing after the fleet footed girl, feeling like laughing himself for the first time in a long while.
Ritsuko Akagi pushed her reading glasses out of her eyes and leant her elbows on the desk before her, groaning quietly. It had been just over a week since the disappearance of Pilot Shinji Ikari into Evangelion Unit 01. And she still didn't have a clue how to get him out. The laptop screen before her was filled with computations and equations, all pertaining to the rescue of the young pilot but nothing she thought of brought about a satisfactory result.
The first thing they had done was try the method they had used after the battle against the 14th Angel. The test had been an unceremonious failure. No charge in the LCL had occurred, not even a ghost reading on Shinji's vitals. It had fared even worse than the first attempt they had made. The sensor graphs hadn't even spiked.
Resisting the abruptly overpowering urge to slam her head into her desk in frustration, mostly due to watching her college friend Misato do it once years ago and resultantly concuss herself, Ritsuko tapped a key and leant back in her chair, observing the computer run yet another simulation.
The door hissed open behind her and she inclined her head to identify her visitor. Her heart both rose and plummeted when she saw Gendo Ikari striding across the small room to her terminal. She stood and turned to face him.
"Have you made any progress?" Ritsuko breathed deeply, not being able to read his face. She had never been able to read him and it ate at her because he knew her effortlessly and completely. She had no idea how he would react to the news.
"Barely. We've established that all signals and codes are being rejected from within the plug. If Shinji were still there I would think it were him doing it, but that's not possible. We don't have any answers." The low light of her office and the brilliant white of the screen behind her reflected of the man's sepia stained glasses, hiding his eyes.
"I see. What are our realistic chances of retrieving the pilot of Unit 01 at this stage?" Ritsuko felt the bile rising in her throat.
'You're considering leaving him in there! Your own son!' Swallowing shallowly and fighting the urge to look away Ritsuko Akagi discovered she wasn't sure if she loved or hated the man before her anymore.
"Well?"
"The chances... are slim. We don't have the answers to questions we need." There was no use lying to him. He always knew. He knew her inside and out, without reservation and she had never been able to lie to him. Just like her mother. Through the fog of sorrow and the tears threatening to cloud her vision she heard the man in front of her speak before watching him turn away and exiting the room.
Standing trembling before her computer, she turned in time to watch the simulation program fail. No longer able to keep the tears to herself Ritsuko felt them cascade down her face. Pain erupted in her hand as she smashed it into the keyboard, snapping the back and snapping some of the keys out of their sockets. Breaking down totally she fell into the chair she had vacated just a few minutes ago and sobbed into her arms.
'Abandon the attempts to retrieve the pilot. Log the hour of his death and inform the Major that her ward has been declared deceased.'
'What have you made me Gendo? What have I become?' The tears continued to fall.
Shinji lay on the grass, feeling the thin blades poking him in the back through his thin shirt. Shamshel and Eve frolicked nearby, the elder of the two so childlike herself that they found joy in each others company. Watching Shamshel leap over Eve athletically and grab her from behind, tickling the little girl, brought a smile to his lips. Hearing the little girl's squeals and laughter, Shinji thought they were some of the sweetest sounds he had heard in longer than he could remember.
Absently watching the two girls he remembered when Shamshel had first arrived here, almost as ignoble an arrival as the time she turned up in his bathroom. He had been playing with Eve, as he had been since the time he had awoken.
'Nya, you can't catch me!' Eve's laughter was like tinkling wind chimes. Swiping at the air between them Shinji chased the little girl through the inky blackness that had taken far less time to get used to than he had expected. Eve dodged back and forth, leaving the boy wrong footed more often than not, weaving in front of him.
Abruptly she stopped leaving him to try and spin out of the way, afraid of ploughing into her accidentally. Looking at her curiously Shinji waved a hand in front of Eve's face, trying to garner her attention.
"Something wrong Eve?" The girl spun and beamed at him.
"Another visitor!"
"Wah?" Shinji swiveled his head around the darkness seeking this new arrival, at once intrigued and disturbed. 'If someone else tried to sync with the Eva...' Suddenly he heard a faint whine, long and drawn out and it didn't seem to stop. Spinning around, Shinji was still unable to locate the source of the sound. The whine was becoming louder and more intense, seemingly coming closer. Feeling a bit more panicked Shinji swung his gaze across the barren expanse warily.
"-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-"
"Huh? That sounds like-"
"-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" Shamshel materialised in front of him slicing thorough the air sideways as if she had been twacked with a six story nine iron, barreling into Shinji rather painfully sending them both tumbling over the ground. A few seconds of rebooting vital systems, like the brain's penchant for cognisant thought, and a few more spent trying to figure out which limbs were his and which belonged to the girl that was wrapped around him and Shinji felt he was ready to speak.
"Eh?" He soon found that the girl wrapped around him was indeed wrapped around him. She was sitting in his lap, crying into his shirt and gripping the fabric tightly between her fingers refusing to let go.
"You left... it felt like a piece of me was missing, like I had been ripped in half... it hurt so much..." Her words dissolved into sobs again as she pushed her face deeper into his blue shirt. Uneasily Shinji put his arms around the girl, beckoning the surprised Eve over as he did so. "Why did you leave?" He found himself looking into Shamshel's bright eyes as she looked up at him.
He avoided the question not really being able to answer. After all it hadn't really been his idea.
"It's ok, I'm here now right? I'll try not to let it happen again. I'm sorry you were hurt." His words sounded so pathetically useless, but there was nothing else he could say. Having him back near her seemed to calm her a lot, he would try not to let it happen again but there was a chance it would happen every time he stepped into an Eva and he was sorry that she was hurt by his absence. But it didn't feel like enough. 'It's not fair... for her to depend on me this much and for me to feel nothing at all when she's gone.' Settling in his arms she nodded against his chest before pushing away a little. She started when she saw Eve standing nearby looking embarrassed.
"W-Who's she?" Shinji beckoned the girl over to the two of them, watching as she shyly complied.
"Shamshel this is Eve. Eve, this is my friend Shamshel." Strange that he had no problem thinking of her as a friend. Tears seemingly forgotten the bronze skinned girl reached out and patted the smaller girl's head, ruffling her blue tinted hair a little.
"Wow, aren't you a little sweetie!"
Eve grinned.
Shamshel was teaching Eve to cartwheel. With little success, but blue haired girl was having as much fun from collapsing on her back as she would have from pulling off the acrobatic move successfully. Teasing the girl Shamshel did a couple of flawless flips and leaps, making the Eve laugh with delight.
Shinji wasn't sure how long had passed outside the Eva, but he knew time moved differently within the behemoth than without. He feared it was time to decide what to do about Eve. Shamshel had suggested that the girl was a soul the Eva had for itself during a lull in the girl's seemingly endless supply of energy and that it was now as necessary for the Eva to have Eve within it as it was for it to have Yui Ikari. Shinji wasn't sure what to make of this.
Shamshel settled next to the boy, taking shade under the single tree in the field that the three had taken to. After her arrival she had described the area to Eve and the little girl had conjured it in response. Shinji had agreed it was a much better location than the previous endless blackness had been. It wasn't exactly the same as the one Shamshel had created, but it was similar enough. And besides anything would have been an improvement.
Shinji saw Eve sitting in the field stringing small flowers together happily, too far away to overhear anything they said.
"Who do you think she is? I thought my Mom was the only one inside the Eva?" Shamshel looked thoughtful, an expression curiously inappropriate on her youthful and childlike features.
"An Eva's a copy of an Angel right? Of Adam or Lilith?" Shinji shrugged. He thought that they were all copies of Adam but his knowledge of this area was sketchy at best.
"If that's true... I think Eve's the soul of the Eva. Everything that lives has a soul, an essence that makes it, it. The lilim may have created the body but the soul takes longer to come into itself. Especially that of an Angel. The being they created was a chasm, a body but no soul. I think that's what happened to you're mother, Shin.' For some reason she had taken to calling him 'Shin' and refused to stop. 'The Eva's need for a soul overpowered her and drew her inside. That's probably why she synced so high. And now having two souls has consigned both to a kind of limbo..."
Shamshel's face twisted as though in pain at the thought. It wasn't that appealing to Shinji either.
"Yui Ikari's soul was not that of an Angel. She couldn't fill the void that was left when the Eva was created. But her presence was enough to displace the new burgeoning soul that was the Eva. So now... Eve doesn't have a body anymore and Yui Ikari is trapped. They are both caught here but not bound to their prison." Shinji's confusion was plain.
"How can they be trapped but not bound? Isn't it the same thing?" Shamshel shook her head, her golden hair swinging in the breeze lazily.
"Not really. It's like their both in a cage but not chained to the walls. In the first case if the door is opened they can leave. In the second, the door may be opened but they still can't go anywhere." Shinji nodded thoughtfully. "Even if they could escape the cage though, they have no where to go. Eve can't form another body and you're mother has been trapped here too long to separate her essence into another body any more. Her body signature is lost in the ether and if she finds the doorway so will she be. Maybe that's better than this prison though..."
Shinji didn't look up, wondering what his mother would have wanted now that the threat from the Angels is over. Life inside the Eva was life of a sort. But it wasn't a life he would wish to live, all alone except for the occasional company of another, like a brief touch of sunlight on the face of someone trapped down a cavern. Fleeting and short lived. No, this was not a place he would want to live. Not an existence he would want to be consigned to.
"So... would the other Eva's have souls as well?" 'Maybe that's the Evandiel and Eva she spoke about. The names certainly fit the bill.'
Shamshel shrugged.
"Probably. It makes sense that if one would then they all would, right?" Eve came running over, chains of daisy's in her hands. As she and Shamshel laughed and giggled, trying to get Shinji to wear one the boy was deep in thought. When they left, could he leave Eva behind? Would it mean having another Angel inside his head? And if it did, what about his mom? Would he have to leave her in here?
Time passed, both inside the Eva and out. The hands marched forwards and the sands fell and while for those outside a fortnight passed, for those inside it felt like a handful of days only...
Shinji and Shamshel stood together watching Eve run around, chasing light yellow butterflies. She wasn't trying to catch them, just follow them and fly like they did. They had decided that it was time for them to leave and were deliberating on how to break the news to Eve. Shinji was torn, unsure if he wanted to offer her another place inside himself, though Shamshel had indicated it was possible. He also thought she was trying to hint that he should, but he ignored her prodding stalwartly. He didn't think she was to happy with him at the moment. He fingered the braid of tiny white flowers Eve had made for him, seemingly eternal within this place. Eve saw them standing together and ran over to them, stopping a few feet away from them.
"Whatcha doin?" Shinji smiled uneasily and turned to look at Shamshel. She pointed ignored his gaze and looked away.
'Yeah, she's pissed.'
"Eve, Shamshel and I have to go now. I need to go back outside the Evangelion and back to my family and friends." He refrained from calling the purple leviathan an Eva, because she got it confused with the girl - he assumed it was a girl anyway - of the same name. Shamshel still refused to look at him.
Eve's eyes began to tear.
"You're... leaving? No! Don't go! I don't wanna be alone again!" She threw herself at Shinji's legs and hugged them close, still crying. "Aren't I your friend? Do you hate me?" Eve's bright eyes stared up at Shinji and he felt like a bastard.
'If I abandon her... am I any different from my father?' Carefully disentangling himself from the sobbing little girl, he knelt down before her, wrapping his arms around her tiny form. Her tiny hands reached out and gripped his white over shirt. Sighing with resignation Shinji spoke softly to her, making his offer. She cried louder when she heard it and hugged him all the harder whispering 'Yes, yes.' under her breath, her voice too raw to speak louder.
Five minutes later they stepped out, feeling a lurch sideways and forward even though they hadn't moved.
Bright light blinded Shinji, a deep red before it became lighter and lighter, brightening to white. And then the world erupted into sound.
"What's going on?" His fathers voice. Shielding his eyes from the glare Shinji shifted, feeling the metal of the catwalk under his feet. He was in the cage before the armoured face of the Evangelion. He could see it's eyes were bright and now in the process of fading into darkness again. Soon there was nothing there at all. Turning back to the front and staring up at the camera's that studded the cages he gave an abashed wave. He could still hear the cacophony of voices coming from the bridge and looked about himself. Noticing that there was a handful of techs scrambling over his Eva he suddenly felt abashed under their shocked stares. Someone's cigarette fell out of their mouth into the bakalite below. That would explain why the speakers were on then. Someone on the bridge wanted to talk to the techs in the cage.
Hearing a door slide open he turned once again.
'I wonder if Shamshel and Eve are ok?'
'We're fine Shin. We both got out safely.' The cheer in the background was uniquely Eve's. Shinji released a breath he didn't notice he had been holding. He wasn't sure how he had received Eve's essence but now that he knew he had he was glad. He couldn't leave her inside the Eva alone. Besides, what was one more after all? He chuckled under his breath. He hoped there was enough room for them all, it wasn't like he could build an extension. And then he realised. He had made the decision. He had decided that he would help Shamshel free her brethren, almost without realising that he had decided. Shinji sighed as the voices in his head faded. It would be getting noisy soon, both inside and out.
The clanking of feet on the metal catwalk before him focused his attention. He looked up to find a purple blur approaching. Connecting with a damp thump Misato Katsuragi embraced her charge and bawled onto his shoulder.
'Why do women keep crying on me?' She squeezed him tight, making Shinji thankful his bones could apparently recreate themselves at will because he was pretty sure he felt a couple of ribs creak. He was more worried about asphyxiation though. Finally being released Misato stood back, her face red and puffy and her eyes still tearing.
"Shinji... is it you?"
"Uh...yeah?" Shinji smiled uncertainly at his guardian. She smiled through her sniffles.
"Welcome home."
"I'm glad to be home." The rest of the bridge crew, who had seemingly abandoned their posts arrived behind Misato. As Misato stepped out of the way he saw Mokoto, Maya and Shigeru grinning at him. Then he noticed the two men's grins turn into smirks as they suddenly looked away. Maya on the other hand blushed brightly and her gaze traveled away from his face in a decidedly downwards direction. And then he felt the draft. The draft where no draft should be. Realising that the Eva had neglected to return his plug-suit he shrieked and turned away.
To find both Shamshel and Eve materialising behind him. Freezing he watched as the two girls blushed and stared at him in shock. Shrieking again, he spun once more finding himself facing the bridge crew again. Seeing Maya still blushing, now looking at the floor, he shrieked once more for good measure.
High above the catwalk Ritsuko Akagi watched the commotion below from behind a plexiglass window. Despite the Commander's orders the bridge had quickly vacated at the news that Evangelion Unit 01 had released it's pilot. It made the blonde smile, realising how much they had all come to care for the young man.
Listening to Shinji complain as his purple haired guardian settled her red jacket about his shoulders that Misato giving him her coat to cover up with was all very well but it was hardly suited to solving the problem, Ritsuko felt her eyes prick with tears and before she knew it they were trailing down her face.
Crumpling to the floor on her knees she tried to stifle her sobs into her hands.
"Thank you Shinji... Thank you for not making me a murderer...Oh God, thank you..."
And that's that.
Someone asked me in a review if it would not be more appropriate for Shinji to have whips instead of blades if he inherited Shamshel's power. My first response to this was, 'Ah, bite me ya pedantic £$&'. My second, possibly better thought out response is, 'Yeah maybe but my point was that short range weaponry was what he inherited rather than the actual weapons themselves. After all whips require some skill and practice to use. The blades on his arms have more immediate uses, even if after extensive practice he may possibly become more adept at handling them, same as any other weapon.' So nyer.
Anyway the 'felt a draft where no draft should be' thing is going to be a running joke. I won't put it in every chapter because it would become over used and I can't think of that many ways to crowbar a joke about Shinji being naked into the text. But it will keep cropping up.
Lastly my thanks to all my reviewers your input was greatly appreciated. Please read on and I will certainly reply to all reviews from now on if I am able to do so.
Ja Ne kiddies.
May the arse be with you.