A few times I stuck in the character's name, because it was unclear about who some people were talking to, and I thought that that might help.
Scene 1
(Enter old Polonius with his man Reynaldo)
Polonius: Here, give this money and papers to my son.
Reynaldo: Okay.
Polonius: But before that, ask about him or something...
Reynaldo: I was going to.
Polonius: Good! Well first see who's there and where they are...then kind of...casually bring Laertes up. Don't ask direct questions though or they'll start to get suspicious. Just mention that you know him. Got it so far?
Reynaldo: Ayup.
Polonius: But tell them that you don't know him well. Say that you think he's wild and disobedient...make up anything you want, but you have to act like you're not really meaning to say it...it's more convincing that way. But don't say anything that might dishonor him.
Reynaldo: Like things that guys do?
Polonius: Exactly! Like drinking, fighting, cursing, prostitutes...you catch my drift.
Reynaldo: That sounds like enough to dishonor him.
Polonius: Nah. They might actually think better of him, if you pretend like you know nothing about what you're saying...they'll defend him.
Reynaldo: But that's stupid--
Polonius: You're doing it.
Reynaldo: Yeah, yeah.
Polonius: Anyway. So you say these things about my son, and then see what they say...or what they add...
Reynaldo: Sounds fine, I guess.
Polonius: Now I can't remember what I was going to say.
Reynaldo: Uh...on whether they defend him or not?
Polonius: Oh yeah. Okay, so you make up a story about him, and then see what they tell you about him in return..and then you come back and tell me what he's been doing. This is the only way that I can keep up with my son and make sure that he's staying out of trouble. Follow?
Reynaldo: Yeah.
Polonius: Okay, bye then!
Reynaldo: Okay...
Polonius: Ask questions!
Reynaldo: I will!
Polonius: Make sure he works.
Reynaldo: Okay.
Polonius: Bye.
(Exit Reynaldo)
(Enter Ophelia)
Polonius: Ophelia! ...What's up?
Ophelia: Omigosh! Dad!
Polonius: WHAT?
Ophelia: Well, I was sewing, an Hamlet came in all mussed up, but he looked so upset!
Polonius: Because of you?
Ophelia: I don't know! I hope not!
Polonius: What'd he say?
Ophelia: He took my arm really tightly, and touched my face, and shook his head a lot..he was shuddering! Then he let go and left the room but...blindly..and the doors closed after him!
Polonius: Whoa. Okay, let's find the King. Hamlet is in torment of his love for you. Who knows what he'll do next! Did you say anything to make him mad?
Ophelia: Not really...but I didn't accept his letters or let him see me.
Polonius: Ohh he's pissed. I didn't know that he would do this! We need to go to the King before something worse happens!
(Exeunt)
Scene II
(flourish. Enter King and Queen, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern)
King: Welcome R and G! I've missed you guys. So has Hamlet said anything to you? Is he still acting like himself? You need to still try to get information, little things here and there...remember everything to tell us. We want to help him if we can... He's been acting weird.
Queen: He talks about you guys all the time, he would tell you anything. Stay a little longer, just in case he opens up to you...we would greatly appreciate it.
Rosencrantz: Of course, your Majesties. We would think of doing nothing else.
Guildenstern: We'll do anything that you want to.
King: Thank you.
Queen: Thank you. Go find Hamlet right now and see what's wrong...
Guildenstern: I hope we can help!
Queen: Me too!
(Exeunt R and G)
(Enter Polonius)
Polonius: The Norway peoples are back.
King: Great!
Polonius: I am your servant! I have discovered what is wrong with Hamlet.
King: Oh, do tell!
Polonius: First see the ambassadors, I'll wait to tell you my news.
King: Okay. Bring them in.
(Exit Polonius)
King: Gertie! He found out what's wrong with your son!
Queen: I still think that it's because of his father, and that we married so soon.
(Enter Ambassadors with Polonius, Voltimand, and Cornelius)
King: Welcome!
Voltimand: Hello! Fortinbras has been thrown out of Norway and says that he won't fight you anymore. Norway's happy. Here, take this paper, it's about your allowance...and stuff. They need to pass through.
King: Oh, okay. I'll read it later. Dinner time!
(Exeunt Ambassadors)
Polonius: Now that that's over...Okay. Now I can tell you what's wrong with your son...well, I think he's mad, but then what is mad anyway? I'm not sure it's normal madness though, more like--
Queen: Get to the point.
Polonius: I am! Okay. So. He's mad. But...okay, I have this daughter, Ophelia...you probably know her. And she gave me this letter! It says, Dear beautiful and extroadinary soul-seeking... (:breath:) Ophelia... see! He calls her beautiful, it is very unproper. How dare he. And here he talks about her white bosom! BOSOM! Of all things! Now--
Queen: Hamlet wrote this?
Polonius: Yes! Hold on... "I love you, I love you a lot...I REALLY love you...Hamlet." My daughter gave this letter to me.
King: Well...does she like him?
Polonius: What!
King: Well, you're a good father, I'm not doubting...
Polonius: I know. But you can't expect me to just look on after seeing this! Come on! I told her that it wasn't possible to be with Hamlet. I told her to ignore him. She obeyed and now he's bonkers.
King: Gertie...do you think this might be true?
Queen: Possibly...
Polonius: Well do you doubt my word? Have I ever been wrong before?
King: I don't think so...
Polonius: Then believe me. I can prove it.
King: How?
Polonius: Well...you know how he passes through here...
Queen: Yes...
Polonius: Well, we can stick Ophelia in here to meet him...we can hide and listen and see what happens.
King: Ok.
(Enter Hamlet with a book)
Queen: Awwww...there he is now...poor Hamlet!
Polonius: Hurry, go! I'll talk to him.
(Exeunt King and Queen, with attendants)
Polonius: ...You didn't see that. Hi Hamlet! How are you?
Hamlet: Fine, thanks.
Polonius: Er...you know who I am, right?
Hamlet: You work with fish.
Polonius: Um...no.
Hamlet: A truthful man, then?
Polonius: Truthful?
Hamlet: There aren't so many anymore.
Polonius: True...
Hamlet: But good things touch even the worst people..or so it seems. You have a daughter, right?
Polonius: Ah...yeah.
Hamlet: Keep HER out of the sun! She might get pregnant or something.
Polonius: (aside) He's still thinking about my daughter! But he doesn't know me...he's screwy. But I can relate, I loved someone once! Hey...Hamlet...what're your reading?
Hamlet: Stuff.
Polonius: What's the matter?
Hamlet: Between who?
Polonius: ...Sorry, let me rephrase. What are you reading?
Hamlet: How old men are magnificently stupid. But think about it...if you went backwards our ages would meet!
Polonius: (aside) This is insane. But it makes sense. Where are you going, Hamlet?
Hamlet: Towards death.
Polonius: Well...yes...you are going to that eventually... (aside) This is weeeird...what he says is so...deep. Well! Hamlet, I'm taking my leave of you.
Hamlet: Not if I won't willingly give it. You could take my life, though...
(Enter Guildenstern and Rosencrantz)
Polonius: Bye, then.
Hamlet: Moronic old man.
Polonius: Hamlet's over there.
Rosencrantz: Thanks bunches!
Guildenstern: Hammy!
Rosencrantz: Hammy!
Hamlet: My frinds! How are you guys?
Rosencrantz: Cheerful!
Guildenstern: Yup, but not exceedingly or anything. We're not the top notch of happy, like the top of Fortune...
Hamlet: But not the bottom of her either?
Rosencrantz: Nope!
Hamlet: Then you're...somewhere in the middle of her?
Guildencrantz: Somewhere...hehe...where the son don't shine.
Hamlet: Wow! Fortune's treasure chest. Heheeeeeeeee. Ahem. So what's up?
Rosencrantz: Not to much. Things are better all around.
Hamlet: Something bad is coming then. But I don' tbelieve you guys...do who sent you to this hellhole?
Guildenstern: Hellhole?
Hamlet: This IS a hellhole.
Rosencrantz: What about everything else?
Hamlet: It's all like that, but here it's BAD.
Rosencrantz: Er...we don't think so...
Hamlet: Well that's fine. I think it, though.
Rosencrantz: You're kind of narrowminded.
Hamlet: I am not! I can hardly keep all my thoughts together, it's a nightmare.
Guildenstern: Well at least you're ambitious.
Hamlet: Hardly.
Rosencrantz: You are! I have no ambition at all.
Hamlet: Well hope for more and I'll hope for less. Let's go to court.
R and G: We'll be your servants.
Hamlet: No you won't. We're friends. But what brings you here anyway?
Rosencrantz: We wanted to see you.
Hamlet: I'm grateful...but not that grateful. You were sent for, weren't you? You didn't come here because you wanted to.
Guildenstern: Um...
Hamlet: Well? The King and Queen asked you to come, didn't they?
Rosencrantz: Why would they do that?
Hamlet: You tell me. But tell me now if you were sent for, and tell me the truth.
Rosencrantz: (Aside to Guildenstern) Crapwhatdowedo?
Hamlet: (Aside) If you're my friends at all, you would tell me.
Guildenstern: ...we were.
Hamlet: I know why. They want to know what's wrong with me. They want you to take me apart and know exactly why...it sounds so nobe, doesn't it? I bet they seemed concerned...People suck Obviously you don't agree..
Rosencrantz: Um...well...I didn't say that.
Hamlet: You laughed when I said that they sucked.
Rosencrantz: Well...not all of them, it just seemed funny that you said that...that you didn't like them, after we invited actors to come and perform a play at the castle for you.
Hamlet: If there's an actor who plays the King he can come. They all have their parts to play, though, I guess. So who are they?
Rosencrantz: Well...they do tragedies...
Hamlet: Why do they travel?
Rosencrantz: I think it's because of recent events...I dunno.
Hamlet: Are they still good?
Rosencrantz: Well...
Hamlet: Why not?
Rosencrantz: Well they are from average cities, with average actors...and they don't really take it seriously.
Hamlet: Doesn't anyone direct them? What's going to come of them eventually?
Rosencrantz: I don't know...they're not being paid much...unless the arts combine.
Hamlet: How?
Guildenstern: Oh they've meddled together...
Hamlet: Do they do it well?
Rosencrantz: Remarkably.
Hamlet: This is...a sign.
(A flourish of trumpets)
Guildenstern: Here they are!
Hamlet: Welcome...who is all here? We'll definitely enjoy whatever you have in store for us. My aunt/mother and father/uncle are wrong about something, though..
Guildenstern: What?
Hamlet: I'm only mad some of the time.
(Enter Polonius)
Polonius: Hello!
Hamlet: Look there, that man is a moron.
Rosencrantz: Sometimes they are.
Hamlet: I'm not surprised. Hello, Polonius!
Polonius: I have news!
Hamlet: Me too. Why, when--
Polonius: The actors are here.
Hamlet: Duh.
Polonius: Well...
Hamlet: Well, let me see them!
Polonius: They're the best actors ever.
Hamlet: Wow. Amazing. Like Jephthah's treasure!
Polonius: What treasure?
Hamlet: A daughter.
Polonius: (Aside) Still on my daughter!
Hamlet: Is that not right, Jephthah?
Polonius: You can call me that, because I do have a daughter.
Hamlet: That doesn't work.
Polonius: Uh...what doesn't?
Hamlet: Because it doesn't...you know. Or you will. Here they come.
(Enter Actors)
Hamlet: H ello! Welcome! I'm glad to see you guys..you look different...I missed all of you. Someone give a monologue, for old times sake.
First player: Which one?
Hamlet: One from a long time ago...'twas Aeneas' tale to Dido. That one. Go ahead.
Polonius: Good idea!
First player: (Long ass monologue)
Polonius: Fricken long.
Hamlet: Shut up. Keep going...
First player: (Continues long ass monologue) The muffled queen--
Hamlet: Muffled queen!
Polonius: Awesome adjective.
First player: (Continues long ass monologue)
Polonius: It's so sad! Stop!
Hamlet: You can tell me the rest later. Polonius...see them in and make sure that they're comfortable.
Polonius: Ok.
Hamlet: Give them what they deserve. Go on.
Polonius: Come on, actors.
Hamlet: Go with him, the play can be tomorrow! (Stops First player) Can you guys do the Murder of Gonzago?
First player: Sure.
Hamlet: Tomorrow night, then. Can you memorize something extra for it?
First player: Sure.
Hamlet: Okay. Follow them in, then.
(Exeunt Polonius and Players)
Hamlet: So, R and G, I'll see you tonight. You're welcome here.
Rosencrantz: Thanks!
(Exeunt R and G)
Hamlet: Now I'm by myself...finally. That actor wasn't half bad, but he doesn't feel the passion that I do right now...I'm such a coward, I can't move forward until I'm sure of what I'm doing...until I'm sure that the Ghost wasn't just lying about what happened...not until I'm sure that my uncle really did murder my father. But if it is my father, then how I can just sit around? But tonight I will know...when they perform this play, I will know. This play mirrors the same situation of my uncle and father, and if my uncle looks guilty...I will most DEFINITELY know that he killed my father. Tonight...I will know!
(Exit)