"All the World's Sorrow"
By Amanda Swiftgold

Entry Three

--This may be one of the hardest things I have ever had to face. It sounds wrong to write that, to say it as if fighting for your life, for your friends and your world, is something so very trivial. But I feel as if it is, I feel as if everything in existence hinges on the words that were spoken to me this night.

Fratley has asked me to marry him.

Fratley has asked me to marry him.

Oh, my heart twists to read it there! Years ago it would have leapt to see it, I would have wanted nothing else, and now I want nothing else but to rub it out and make it disappear! He does not remember me, he does not know me as I was but only as I am now. If I could pretend that he loves me now for who I am now then I could pretend I was happy, but this is impossible. This is not how he feels, but he has asked me for other reasons, for the happiness in the eyes of my people, for stability and for the future. The two heroes of Burmecia united in matrimony and thus rises Burmecia again! It is a dream, it is his dream and I want to believe it is mine too-

And yet I know, I know in my heart of hearts that my dream is simple comfort, another's arms, another's hidden gaze. Or - or is it? If I could have Fratley back as he once was, have the man I searched for ceaselessly for so many years, would I take that dream instead? The one I wanted for so long, made my reason, my life, all to have?

Eiko would tell me that the answer is obvious, her seven-year-old eyes seeing far clearer than mine ever could. One of them loves you, the other one doesn't. Naturally I should choose love over practicality.

But dear Eiko and her wisdom doesn't see how hard this is for me. I - am frightened. Above all I don't want to hurt him. He has had such a hard life and I know, I know he does not want my pity. He would rather I killed him than pitied him and if I pitied him I think it would kill him, kill his heart, as trite as that sounds.

Everybody needs someone, not just me. There is one thing Amarant wrote that struck me and if I hadn't given his book back to him, I would keep going back to stare at it, touch those scratchy written words. I took it for granted, I had my parents and siblings and - and Sir Fratley to tell me I was loved.

I want to be the one, the first one to tell you. I want it to be true. But how can it be? How can it be when Fratley holds my heart right in his hand? He is squeezing it now tighter and tighter but it belongs to him and he must do with it as he pleases.

This is a trap, I am caught in a trap and there is no right answer to get me out of it. Why can't I be smart enough to let go of him, to see clearly enough and follow the best path? I need to tell myself-

No, I cannot say it even in a whisper, cannot even begin to write the words. Is it even possible to love two as well as one? No, no, it's not, and that's why I have to choose. I have to choose, or I have to die, cowardly, and forfeit it all.

Please, gods, help me make the correct decision!