Ron:" I'm starving! Can't the announcements wait? I already waited through the Sorting ceremony!"(Looks sadly at plate)
Harry: You're drooling. (As he says this Hermione looks away in disgust)
Hermione: We're in 6th year, Ron, we're sixteen! Grow up please!
(Dumbledore stands up, the hall falls silent)
Dumbledore: Welcome all, to another year at Hogwarts! Now, I have a few start-of-term notices for you. First off, please remember the list of forbidden objects in the hallway. This year we have added Extendable Ears and Skiving Snackboxes. Secondly we have some new teaching positions. Our new Defense Against the dark arts teacher is none other than our own Doctor Atkins!
Doctor Atkins: Why thank you Professor. I will teach you how to defend yourselves against carbs! (Smiles happily. Students look back sullenly)
Ginny: (Whispers to friends) it's our OWL year though!
Dumbledore: Third and finally, it is my duty to inform you of a quest. This is a very important quest as it involves one of my most prized possessions. Someone has stolen it. It cannot be too hard to find, as it is a golden Chamberpot. It is a very powerful weapon, with the ability to backwash whatever goes in. Voldemort desires it so much. I cannot figure out why, maybe he just wants to use it as a powerful weapon. So this year is the quest. There are no rules. And I will be able to tell if it is not the real one… Teachers may not help students, but they may look for the Pot themselves. The person who finds it will win their house one thousand house points. So good luck, but be wary. It may be anywhere.
Now I suspect you're hungry, so dig in!
Ron frantically dumps mashed potatoes onto his plate.
Ron: Urgh, it's disgusting!
Hermione: Well obviously Doc. Atkins made the house elves use carb-cutting potatoes, Ronald.
Ron: Suddenly I'm not hungry anymore. (Pushes plate away)
Harry: (mouth is full) This' weal good Won. Wo should try sum.
Hermione is disgusted
Hermione: Harry, that's haggis.
Ron: What's Haggis?
Hermione: sheep insides…
Harry spits it out immediately.
Harry: Maybe Hedwig would like some.
Hermione: Pass it here, Harry. Crookshanks absolutely loves haggis.
Ginny: Hermione, it's our OWL year and we have someone teaching us about stupid carbohydrates! He's gonna be worse that Umbridge!
Ron: And I thought she was terrible…
Harry: Why can't we do the DA again?
Hermione: Oh come on! That was too stressful last year, and now we have NEWT's next year! We need to get rid of him! He's gonna kill me…
Malfoy: Crabbe, Goyle, you two may actually learn something from this guy! (Looks at large stomachs)
Oi Granger! Mind if we win the House Cup?
Hermione: I think you mean us!
Malfoy: Stop being such a Mudblood!
Hermione grabs wand
Hermione: It's either a punch like in third year, or a curse, Malfoy. Take your pick.
Seamus: He's such a jerk he's not worth the effort
Hermione: You should wash out your mouth, Malfoy.
Soap bubbles erupt from Malfoy's mouth
McGonagall: Miss Granger! What on earth is this?
Ron: He called her a Mudblood.
McGonagall gasps
Hermione: The way he uses it, it's my nickname… Just had to get him back.
Pansy Parkinson (chewing on end of wand) She said, you should wash out your mouth Malfoy.
Bubbles start erupting from her mouth. She shrieks helplessly.
McGonagall: Miss Parkinson, please shut up! Malfoy, at least your teeth are whiter now. Miss Granger, what were you thinking?
Hermione: But-
McGonagall: No buts Miss Granger. When Gryffindor has fifty points they will be taken away. That was a really bad way to start the term, Miss Granger.
McGonagall walks away.
Ron: Smooth, 'Mione
Hermione: Well, you wouldn't have done any better. You would probably get detention.
Harry and Ron: Good point! No wonder she got 12 OWL's
Hermione: Someone has got to stand up to him anyway! We can't keep letting him push us around, can we?
Hermione's eyes widen, light bulb goes on above her head
Hermione: I've got an idea… I'm in the library okay?
She bolts out of the great hall muttering.
Harry: What's up with her?
Harry and Ron are headed for the Gryffindor common room. Doctor Atkins bolts up worried
Atkins: Potato! Potato in the library!
Everyone stares
Atkins: thought you ought to know
Faints, makes a huge scene.
Ginny, a prefect, leads the crowd, yelling
Ginny: Gryffindor's, follow me and you'll be safe! C'mon citizens of Gryffindor!
Ron: muttered to Harry Hermione's in the library, Harry!
They run towards the library. Near the library they see a large potato on legs.
Harry: Quick, behind this lumpy rock!
They dodge behind the boulder. It moves and they freak out
Ron: OHMIGOD!
Harry: W-what was t-that?
Large rock stands up and they realize it's a potato
Both: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Potato looks around and picks Harry and Ron off the ground. Carries them into library, where they find Hermione
Harry: Hermione, are you okay?
Hermione is hiding under a table. A potato is threatening her with a potato peeler.
Hermione: H-Harry? Ron? Whimpering
She pulls out her wand
Hermione: W-Wingardium Leviosa!
The peeler hangs in midair just as the potato was about to strike. Harry and Ron fall on each other.
It falls and peels a slice of potato off the potato. The potato falls on top of the table breaking the legs and trapping Hermione.
Hermione: HELP! Help! Can't… breathe… fly-
She faints
Ron: HERMIONE! WINGARDIUM LEVIOSA!
The potato flies off the table. Harry grabs Hermione and drags her out from the broken table.
Harry: She's not breathing. I'm going to do mouth-to-mouth!
Harry does mouth-to-mouth. Cho, Ginny, Luna, and Parvati walk in
Cho: Harry? What the bloody hell are you doing? I thought you were my man!
Ginny: Aren't you Michael Corner's?
Cho: Oh yeah. Too many guys, and girls, eh Harry?
Ron: He's not kissing her, you toerags! He's doing mouth-to-mouth! The potato attacked her.
Hermione wakes up
Hermione: That felt good!
Kisses Harry passionately. Others start crying
Ron: Hermione! I thought we were perfect together.
Narrator: You were. Harry, you've screwed up the story AGAIN!
Narrator beats Harry on the head with a potato peeler.
Harry: But doesn't the hero always get the girl?
Narrator: Not today, buddy!
Ron: Well, since Hermione and Harry are probably going to be spending loads of time together… let's PARTY!
Ginny: Well, what are we waiting for?
Ron: Let's go girls!
They walk up and leave Harry and Hermione in the library.
Hermione: Well, now we have some private time-
Jumps on Harry and smooches him. They roll around on the floor.
Snape walks in
Snape: Omigod! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
He faints. Madam Pince hears the racket and comes out of her office. She sees Snape and does mouth to mouth.
Madam Pince: C'mon Sevvy poo, let's do it!
They 'do it' and Hermione and Harry look up. They are shocked.
Hermione: Bloody hell!
Harry: Bloody hell!
Narrator: Bloody he– what am I thinking?
Ron: Bloody hell!
Hermione: Ronald, you aren't here, remember?
He leaves sadly
Snape: I'm feeling so happy I'll give a hundred points to Gryffindor!
In great hall hourglass adds five hundred points
Dumbledore: No cheating!
Four hundred are taken away
BACK IN THE LIBRARY
Hermione: Harry, let's go in the back of the library for some private time
They go to the back. There is a large gold Chamberpot in which Wormtail is urinating.
Harry: Avada Kedavra, freak!
He does it, it backfires and he dies
Harry/Hermione shippers: NOOOOOO!
Hermione: Too bad, boyfriend.
Narrator: Harry… you messed up the story again!
Harry: Whatever.
Narrator: Dead people can't talk!
Harry shuts up
Drags Harry out of the library.
Hermionepanting: He's… heavy…what has… he …been…eating late…ly?
Dr. Atkins appears: Apparently he's put on lots of extra carbs from eating wrong! This is a thing for Dr. Atkins!
He looks down at Harry, who's dead.
Dr Atkins: Dearie…um…er…what's with him?
Hermione: He's dead.
Dr. Atkins: Oh okay! (walks off)
Hermione keeps dragging him along to the Gryffindor common room. Ron sees them.
Ron: Hey Hermione… Whatcha dragging?
Hermione: Harry
Ron: Oh, okay. Probably got stoned or something.
Hermione: No, his killing curse backfired.
Ron: YIPPEE! Now I can be the hero of the story.
Hermione: Shut up. All the Harry/Hermione shippers are acting rabid
Rabid H/HR shippers run at them. Hermione drops Harry and runs away with Ron.
Hermione: O yeah, Harry saw Wormtail peeing in the Chamberpot. It's in the back of the library.
They take a bunch of shortcuts and end up in the library. Hermione leads the way. Wormtail is constipated on the pot.
Wormtail: (Grunting heavily)
Ron faints at the smell.
Hermione does mouth to mouth. He wakes up.
Ron: Ron/Hermione shippers rejoice! (they make out)
Wormtail is still constipated.
BACK IN THE COMMON ROOM
Harry is having his funeral. Ginny drags him up the aisle.
Harry: I'm not dead!
Crowd gasps
Random idiot: We were going to kill an innocent man?
Another random idiot: He's sexy…
Yet another random guy: Damn he's hot! (runs and makes out with Harry)
Hermione and Ron enter after a drastic make-out session
Ron: Huh?
Hermione: (eyes boggled) Harry's…wow…Ron, lets go.
Ron: No, this is interesting…( staring rabidly. Then he joins in the making out.)
First year: Cool! Three way making out!
Hermione: Ron! (she joins making out.)
Rest of Gryffindor house starts making out.
Dumbledore sees this in his mind.
Dumbledore: Oh dear.
Sprints down stairs and runs smack into McGonagall
McGonagall: Why, hello Albus…what a coincidence to see you here.
Dumbledore: Quite dashing to see you here as well, Minerva.
McGonagall: Rawr!
Dumbledore/McGonagall shippers: OMG YA!
They 'find a room'
Narrator: Excuse me
Wormtail is still constipated. Then he stands up and the pot expels all its contents on Wormtail's body.
AND THEY ALL LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER!
Narrator: Side effects of this script are including, but not limited to, idiocy, insanity, loss of precious brain cells and attempted pot-searching. Thank you for wasting your time and have a nice day in the Hall of Really Bad HP Fanfiction.