Chapter Two
"I had so much to
tell you but no words to say
It doesn't matter anyway."
- Heather Nova, "Fool for you"
Crew Barracks
She had no idea what to do, and that scared her. Normally, sooner or later she knew how to act, mostly she even acted before thinking, but now she had absolutely no idea. She had been sitting on her bunk brooding for at least three hours now and nothing came to her. All she could think about were the Commander's still and even somehow fragile sleeping form on Life Station and the coldness in Lee's voice when he had been telling her she had broken his father's heart and the sick feeling she had had in her stomach when he had told her that she was grounded for an infinite amount of time.
What did you expect, stupid?, a traitorous little voice whispered in the back of her mind, and she tried to ignore it. But in the end it wormed its way back again. Be honest: You knew you would be punished eventually. And you knew it would result in being kicked off the roster. And you knew Lee would be absolutely pissed at you. Angrily she rammed her fist into the wall beside her but all she got were bruised knuckles. But at least the pain distracted her from her circle of thoughts.
She leant back and closed her eyes, flexing her still aching fingers. And then she wished she hadn't. Because in the moment she closed her eyes, Commander Adama's pale face with the dark circles under the eyes appeared as clearly before as if she was standing in front of his bed again. Kara had the distinct feeling that from now on she would be haunted by that face and the feelings of guilt it produced forever.
She squeezed her eyes shut, hoping to get rid of the haunting image, even if only for a short time, which worked, actually. Well, if having Commander Adama's pale face having replaced by the cold look in Lee's eyes as he had sent her out counted as "work". The look had helped to increase the feelings of guilt she already had had at least tenfold, and most of all it had crushed her slight hope of resolving their argument from before she jumped. If he had had any feelings for her before that – which wasn't unlikely given the amount of jealousy her little stint with Balthar had created in him – they were now surely reduced to nothingness.
She wished it was possible to give oneself a thorough beating up because she felt that she deserved it. Not that she regretted going to Caprica and retrieving the Arrow, but she regretted the way she had left, and everything that had to do with the incident with Balthar. She regretted having fought so much with Lee recently which had severely bruised their friendship, and she regretted giving it the death blow with sleeping with Balthar and then fighting with Lee to the point where they had been exchanging blows.
Life Station
Lee had been sitting for another two hours at the bedside of his father, when the old man suddenly stirred. It was almost not noticeable at first, but when the Commander opened his eyes, Lee was shaken from his brooding at once. For a moment both men only starred at each other, but then the Commander croaked something that sounded suspiciously like "What, abandoning your post, Captain?", and for moment the only thing Lee wanted to do was hug his father to oblivion.
But he chose to bow his head and mumble: "No, Sir. Sorry, Sir." He looked up. Was that… disappointment he saw fleeting over his old man's face for a second or two?
He dismissed the thought as his father obviously had decided to play along with answering: "You're excused for now, Captain. But I see Col. Tigh has released you the brig?"
Lee nodded. "Yes, Sir. After Ka… Lieutenant Thrace… went away we were short of good pilot too many, and I was released out of necessity."
The older Adama heaved a sigh. "Is Lieutenant Thrace…?" The same bitterness Lee had been feeling upon seeing Kara enter Life Station filled him again, and he couldn't quite manage to control his voice and speak in an even tone when he told his father that she was back again and that he had sent her to her quarters until further notice. His father was quiet for a while, then said: "You should have sent her to the brig, you know." Lee was surprised to hear this from his father as he had expected him to make a lot more reproaches. But maybe it was just the weakened state his father was in that kept William Adama's voice so quiet and the amount of his speech so low.
So Lee nodded and said: "I know, Sir. I… I don't know how I could not…"
His father weakly held up one of his hands to stop him. "You really should talk to her, son." It was spoken again in a quiet voice, but Lee could hear the steel beneath it very clearly. His father wasn't giving him an advice, he was giving him an order.
But today he was in no mood to obey such an order, and he told his father so: "With all due respect, Sir… I don't think so. There's nothing to say between us. I will have ordered her to the brig and have her court-martialed as soon as possible. I don't know what else should be worth saying about the whole affair."
His father sighed, and suddenly he didn't look only frail or weak, but mostly old. "Oh yes, you do. You have a lot of unresolved issues, and you need them cleared up. I have known both of you for almost all your life" – to that Lee couldn't quite stop himself at making a snorting noise – "and I can see very clear that you need to work through your issues ASAP. You think you can control yourself, Lee, but it's very easy to see through it and see how something is eating you up from the inside. And as I recall that Kara left with Dr. Baltar on Colonial Day…"
"Don't you dare bringing that up. I have absolutely no clue how this should be of any concern for me. Lieutenant Thrace is her own woman and fit to make her decisions on her own. All of this has nothing to do with me. Sir.", he added a little belatedly. He looked at his father, ready for an outburst, as weak as it would be with Adama just having woken up. But the outburst never came.
Instead of it his father just said: "Don't try to fool me. And don't try to fool yourself, Lee. Stop sulking and start thinking. And now get one of the doctors here, I don't want to wait any minute longer before being discharged than necessary." With that, he was quite obviously dismissed and ordered to talk to Kara, Lee realized. Without attempting to argue any further he stood up and went in search of some medical personal before heading off for the crew barracks.
A/N: All right... I have taken my time with an update, and I really want to apologize for that. Due to some IRL-events (papers that needed to be written, a camping trip that need to be attented, an election campaign that needs to be helped with...) my writing time and writing inspiration had to stay behind a little, but now I'm back, and I intend to make my up-dates a little more frequent.
And of course I want to thank my reviewers, WendyH, Exp, and the one anonymous. I love getting reviews, and the hit rates show me that a lot more people look at the story. I'd love for them to leave behind a review as well hint hint nudge nudge ;)
Oh, and if Lee and/or Kara seemed OOC to you in this chapter or will seem OOC to you in the next chapters then I can explain that: I wanted to write a story with people who have finally reached their breaking point, and when people do this they sometimes start acting very weird, and certainly not in-character (at least, that's my experience). I guessed that Kara and Lee would both somehow snap and do things that maybe are uncharacteristic for them, just to show how finally breaking could change a person. I hope you understand.