A/N I: You are so gonna hate me for this chapter :S

Chapter Six

„I believe in karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love 'til you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye"

Savage Garden, „Affirmation"

The brig

Lee settled in for some waiting because he knew that it was very likely that his father would need some time to come down. He closed his eyes and leant back. And then the alarms sounded. He groaned. Of course. He wanted to have a once in a lifetime conversation with his father, and the Cylons were attacking. Great. Just frakking, bloody great.

Outside the brig there was the usual commotion. Boots clattering, people running and shouting, the rumbling of ammunition cases and other heavy gear being moved too fast. He waited for someone coming running in and releasing him because they hadn't enough people for the Vipers. But nothing happened. No one came.

And so he sat there, all the time listening to everything that went on outside, frantically hoping that his pilots and their planes would all return in one piece. At one point he became too agitated to stay seated, jumped up and started pacing around the cell. After the first half an hour he started doing push-ups and sit-ups. After the next half an hour he did shadow boxing. Just as he was about to start doing sprints from one side of the cell to another, his father suddenly stood before him. Immediately Lee snapped to attention, which his father only answered with a weary "At ease, Captain."

Lee shifted and was now standing in front of his father, who appeared suddenly very old and very tired to him. Something must have happened. Something beyond being shot. Something… "Captain… Lee… I… Saul told me you wanted to talk to me, and I… appreciated this sign of confidence. But I need to be back on Life Station."

Lee nodded. "I understand. I'm almost surprised the doctors let you out so soon. Sir."

To his surprise his father shook his head. "This isn't about me, Lee. It's… about Kara."

Lee absolutely didn't like the look in his father's eyes. It was a look of weariness and pain and… guilt? "Kara? What's the matter with her? I… I…"

"She went out flying…"

Before he could say anything more, Lee exploded. "She what? Tigh told me she had to undergo surgery, and you let her go flying only hours after it? Does she mean anything to you? Can't be much, since you let her out there. Oh, you didn't only let her out, you ordered her out. Am I right? Am. I. Right?" A panting Lee stood before him, anger, worry and reproaches plain in his eyes.

As much as Commander Adama had hoped his son would finally open up a bit, he never expected – and could never tolerate – be the target of that "opening up". Not when it wasn't his fault, in no way, not this time. "Watch your language, son. This is not my fault. If it's anyone's fault then that of the Cylons. She was about to finally talk to me, when they attacked. And you know her Lee. Kara hates being confined to Life Station or the brig when she could or should be flying outside. She was out of the room faster than I could catch her, and no one on Life Station had the courage to stop her, with her "Don't mess with me"-face on and everything."

He eyed Lee. His son was leaning his head against the bars, with his hands grabbing them to support him. He obviously wasn't taking this all too well, but Adama forced himself to continue. "She… did her best. Managed to keep all of the Nuggets out of trouble and kept the Squadron from the worst damage. But she… took a lot of hits. She… only barely made in back to the hangar. I saw her when she was brought back to Life Station. Lee…"

His son groaned and just said "What?", without looking at him. Despite what he had said before, Adama did feel guilty for letting her outran him and dash off into space, when everyone knew she wasn't in her best of forms. But he was the Galactica's Commander. He was telling his CAG that one of his pilots was in coma in ICU. Not telling his son that the woman that was his best friend was barely clinging to life. Right. Commander, CAG, one of the pilots. He could do this.

"They told me she's stable now, but she's in a coma in ICU. They don't know how long she will be in coma. She…" Commander. CAG. Pilot. Do it. "she needs to fight if she wants to make it, Lee." For some seconds, there was a deep silence, until Lee turned around and slid down the bars to bury his head in his arms. "I'm… sorry.", was all Adama could say. The silence again broke in, until after what seemed an eternity, Lee said without looking at his father: "Can I see her?"

Adama cleared his throat. He had expected this question but he was still surprised how much force lied underneath the seemingly quiet tone of Lee's voice. "I don't know if this is such a good idea, Captain."

Like a coil-spring Lee unwound and jumped up to stand face to face with his father. His voice was quiet, but the note of steel couldn't be ignored. "I know I made a mistake. A gigantic mistake. An unforgivable mistake. But you don't need to rub that into my face every time one of you comes in here, all right? Isn't it enough that I won't be able to look myself into the eye ever again, let alone look into her eyes? I know I'm going to suffer for this mistake all my life. But I want to… I need to tell her that I never wanted to hurt her like this. I know she won't ever forgive me, but I just… I…"

Lee ragged his hair, and his voice became a tad more agitated but Adama chose to stay silent. His son wanted to talk almost desperately, and for once he wanted to give his help at the right moment. "She was my all, my everything. And I wanted her. Gods, how I wanted her. But when we were at the reception, she looked so much out of my reach. And she somehow is still Zak's fiancé. I just… couldn't bring myself to… make the next step. I… just… look, if she'd turned me down, in front of all these people… in front of you… I guess I would never have lived through this. We had so much time together, and if she had wanted ever me there's been enough time to give me a sign, right? So I left, and waited, the whole night long…"

Adama inwardly braced himself. This was the Baltar-part, obviously. He could see it in Lee's eyes how much the boy – the man, he corrected himself – was suffering from the whole ordeal, and he made a try at stopping Lee, telling him he didn't need to tell him if he didn't want to. But Lee just held up his hand, continuing: "No, sir. I… need to get this off. I need you to know why I went over the edge like that. It was just that… I waited, and I thought that maybe she just had had too much drink and opted to stay in some spare compartment on Cloud Nine or had let herself been talked into a card game. But the next morning the whole barrack was buzzing with the latest gossip. "She went right with him. With the Vice President.", they said. "Starbuck's whoring her way up the command chain.", they sneered. And other stuff like that. I tried to overhear it, knowing how my people are. But then I met him, and he made some stupid remark. And I met her, and she made another stupid remark, and everything just clicked, and I swear to the Gods I never felt more jealous than in that moment. We almost traded blows after that, and then she left without a word or a trace, and we couldn't get this cleared up."

By now, Lee was sitting at the other side of the cell, his head on his arms again, his voice only muffled. Adama strained to listen, and could have sworn that his son was only a step away from actually starting to cry. As furious as he had been about the whole affair with beating Kara up, as much he was hurting now for his son. "All the time she was away, I couldn't really think straight. I was always thinking about the fact that if she died we wouldn't have parted on friendly terms. I never would have had the chance to find out why on all the Colonies she went with Baltar, and what she felt for him and if maybe I still had a chance. And then… you were shot, and I needed her so badly to be by my side. Gods, I needed her…"

His son was breaking down right in front of him, and Adama had no clue as what to do about it. He knew what to do as a Commander, all right. But Lee didn't need a Commander right now, he needed a father. And Adama didn't really know how to be a father to a grown-up man who was about to fall apart any minute. So he still kept quiet and let Lee ramble on. "When she came back, I kind of… I don't know but the moment she stepped to the door of your room on Life Station I felt so… furious at her. I felt so furious at everything. From the minute I saw her again everything just… came bubbling to the surface, and then when I was in the crew barracks, trying to somehow fight it out with her she just told me to leave her in peace and just did nothing to defend herself. And I just… cracked. I can't… I don't…"

Adama realized that he had been right with his assumption. Lee had obviously cracked under the expectations everyone had at him, his seemingly unrequited feelings for Kara, his jealousy, his worries… His CAG had desperately needed a break, which no one could have given him. In the end the outburst had been nobody's fault, just the consequence of a chain of unfortunate events. Of course it was still partly inexcusable, but to recover from it Lee needed to forgive himself. And he needed to tell Kara about everything. In peace. With no one interfering. The Commander nodded, a little grimly. When he spoke up, his voice was level, controlled, quiet. But it had the same steel in it as Lee's voice before. "Get up, Captain, and follow me to Life Station."

The relief that shone through the anxiety in Lee's eyes was almost making his father sigh in relief himself.

Life Station

After he had been released from the brig and been escorted to Life Station Lee had felt anxiety and a kind of giddiness bubbling up beneath the now again controlled exterior. He almost dreaded what he would see on Life Station as much as he longed to see Kara again, sit by her side, watch over her.

He was being led to ICU. Kara's bed was positioned behind the screen. Her pale and almost fragile form was hooked up to so many screens, IVs and tubes that he briefly wondered if his father hadn't been understating royally with stating her status as "critical, but stable" on their way to Life Station.

Someone had placed a chair beside her bed, and Lee sat down, urged on with a little nod from his father. When he was seated, having automatically taken Kara's hand in his own, the old man squeezed his shoulder slightly and then excused himself. Now it was just Lee and Kara.

Lee took a deep breath, staling himself. "I… I don't know if you can hear me, but I wish you could. Even when you most probably would be wishing me a slow and painful death right now if you could. But I just… I need to tell you a few things, and I hope to the Gods that I don't screw this up. First of all: I'm… beyond sorry for doing this to you. I know that there is now excuse, and believe me: I've been to hell and back every waking minute since… the incident. I don't know if you'll ever forgive me for what I did or if I even deserve being forgiven. But I… I really want you to know one thing: I never stopped loving you. Not when you were with Zak, not when you went to the Galactica after his death, not even when you told me that you let him pass unwarranted. And surely not when I got to know about your… thing with Baltar. Dear Gods, Kara, how jealous I was. I hadn't been visited by the green-eyed monster, I was the green-eyed monster."

He ragged his hair with his free hand, a little nervous. But he knew he had to get this off his chest. If he managed to say this to her once she was unconscious, then maybe he could manage to say it when she was actually awake, too. "And then you went away. And my father got shot. And I went into the brig. And everything just went… down the drain. I felt like the worst officer I ever met, and I was out of my head worrying for you and my father and Roslin and… just all. I was… I was…"

He propped his elbows up at her side and buried his head in his hands. How could he ever explain what had made him snap to anyone else if he couldn't even quite explain it to himself properly? A humorless smirk appeared on his face for a second or two. He was about to break a second time, and this time he would have a full blown nervous breakdown, he just could feel it. Wasn't every downswing supposed to stop at some point? Weren't you supposed to only get up once you hit rock-bottom? How far did he still have to go down? Where would be his rock-bottom? When…

"Lee?" His head snapped up, just to look right into the groggy eyes of Kara "Starbuck" Thrace.

A/N II: All right... I'm not really satisfied with this chapter, 'cause it appears to be kinda redundant. But please bear with me 'cause it's a quarter to four a.m. over here, and I'm ready to fall asleep any moment :S I promise next chapter will be the last, and Lee and Kara will talk in that chapter. But that's all I say about it ;)

I thank my reviewers, as always. And as always there's a little extra phrase for all of them:

Kou Shun'u - I hope you are okay with the way I let Lee tell his father everything and with the way Adama reacted. I feel like I should have given him more room :P

adafrog - Here too I hope you forgive me for giving the Commander not enough room. If it bothers you too much I might feel compelled to rework it a little, since I'm not quite satisfied with it myself.

crooked pen - Err... you're hating me right now, aren't you? I mean, because I still didn't give Lee and Kara an opportunity to talk. But I needed to get Kara confined and weak enough so that she would actually listen to what Lee has to say, and Lee to open his eyes that it's very easy to lose those whom he loves without actually being able to tell them.

veon - Thank you for yor very enthusiastic praise ;) I'm sorry though I couldn't let Lee and Kara clear the air in this chapter, but I hope you except the explanation I gave crooked pen :)