A/N: Sorry about the long update time on this one. Real life is a bitch, and I am in the process of moving yet again, hopefully for the last time for a while, so the next one may be a little while in the coming too. For the record, this should be the last chapter without the appearance of Hiei. This conversation took longer than I thought it would.

Chapter 5

I am so very glad Kuwabara doesn't carry a camera.

That was the only thought that managed to make it through Kurama's head for a long time after he started crying; gratefulness that they were alone and there would be no record of his tears. He was thankful that Kuwabara himself was crying, lessening the awkwardness Kurama felt; thankful also for the strong arm that Kuwabara put around his shoulder, and for his silence while Kurama struggled to get himself back under control. Kuwabara might be thick at times, but he had a good heart; Kurama knew he would not have to ask Kuwabara to keep this crying jag a secret.

Which was a relief, because he couldn't stop the tears. It had been too long since he had cried for Hiei. In fact, he couldn't remember if he ever really had cried for him. The realization of how he felt about Hiei had been so gradual that it was entirely possible he never had cried over it. And he knew for a fact he had never spoken of it aloud before. He had only whispered it, to himself, on the nights when Hiei slept in the tree outside his room but didn't speak to Kurama, or come in through the open window. That window was always open, no matter the weather or the time of day; it was only gesture Kurama could make to tell Hiei he was welcome to be in Kurama's life, any time, any way he wanted. He didn't even know if Hiei understood that's why he left it open. It was unspoken, as was so much between them.

Unspoken. Kurama couldn't help a quiet laugh through his tears. He had never imagined Kuwabara would be the one to hear this confession. Kurama had never spoken of his love before; Kuwabara declared his love to Yukina daily. Yet here they were together, in the clearing, their objects of their affection equally unaware what was desired of them. Life could play cruel tricks sometimes.

Kurama could feel himself beginning to run out of tears. He took a few deep breaths, trying to rein himself in. When he felt under control, he touched the hand on his shoulder in silent thanks, and Kuwabara removed it. Kurama raised his head to look at his companion. It was disheartening to see the usually cheery Kuwabara so glum; but then, Kurama imagined he looked much the same. He could already feel his eyes puffing up from the unaccustomed tears.

"I'm sorry to tell you like this," Kurama said softly.

Kuwabara's face was stone. "I just wish someone had told me earlier."

Kurama hung his head. "That is my fault. Yusuke doesn't know. And Hiei could hardly be expected to explain anything. I should have told you years ago. But I ignored it, brushing it off to the corner of my mind, because telling you would mean confronting my own feelings. And I wasn't ready to do that," he admitted quietly.

"How long... how long have you... you know."

Kurama couldn't help smiling through his grief. Apparently it was beyond Kuwabara to fit the words Hiei and love into the same sentence. The smile faded quickly as he thought about his reply. "I don't know," he said finally. "A very long time. I think perhaps I always have. I've tried so hard not to think about it."

"Does he know?"

Kurama looked at Kuwabara incredulously. "Hiei?"

"Well, yeah."

Kurama laughed, bitterly. "Why, Kuwabara, you surprise me. I thought you knew Hiei. Can you imagine what he thinks of love? From the very day we met he has chided me for my willingness to love, certain it will be my downfall. If he knew that it was directed towards him... I can imagine what his reply would be."

"But - "

"But nothing. I cannot risk the loss of his friendship, not when it is so rare and I already know he denies himself love in any form. I have to keep what I have." Kurama heard the note of desperation in his voice and hated himself for it.

"So... you've never told anybody?" Kurama shook his head. "Then why did you tell... me? Nobody tells me this kind of stuff."

"Because you needed to hear it," Kurama replied. "Because you needed to believe I have no reason to lie when I tell you that koorime do not understand love as we do. I wish it wasn't true, I wish it with all my heart. But I thought that this would be less painful for you if you... if you knew you were not alone in pining for what you cannot have."

Kuwabara was quiet for a moment, obviously thinking. Kurama didn't press him to speak; God knew the boy had absorbed enough unpleasant shocks in the last half hour.

"But... but you said Yukina and Hiei's mom fell in love with somebody... right? So it is possible!" Kuwabara's voice held triumph.

"I did say that, though to my knowledge it was the first time it ever happened. And knowing Yukina, I would say the possibility exists that she may yet come to love you as you love her. I have no counsel for you in how to proceed in winning her love. Only that if you find she cannot love you, you have my sympathies... my understanding."

"Kurama... you don't think Hiei would ever..."

Kurama only had to look at Kuwabara to stop his speech. They were silent for a moment. He didn't know about Kuwabara, but Kurama was fighting down a fresh round of tears, knowing there was one more thing he had to say before they could let this conversation rest.

"Kuwabara, I... I owe you another apology. For my behavior towards Yukina. I am forced to admit it was not entirely innocent, as I would like to believe. Please understand, it was never my intention to infringe upon your - your relationship with her. It's only that... I want..." Kurama paused to quickly wipe two tears away, furiously struggling to get command of his wavering voice. "I want so much to be able to, to t-touch Hiei like that...I can't ever put my arm around him, or hold his hand, or guide him somewhere with a hand on his back...perhaps these past weeks I have been using his injuction to care for Yukina as an excuse to exorcise those impulses. Please believe me, I did not realize what I was doing, but... but holding Yukina is the closest I can come to holding the person I love."

Kuwabara took a moment to absorb this confession, then stood. He placed a strong hand on Kurama's shoulder. "Forget about it," he said quietly.

Kurama took the hand and pulled himself to his feet, giving Kuwabara a sad but genuine smile. If only I could.

They left the clearing together, headed back to the temple. When the sound of their footsteps had completely faded away, the small ice apparition who had been listening crept into the clearing and sat down where Kuwabara had sat. She stayed there for a long time, brushing the leaves out of her hair and thinking.