Part 3 : Coffee and conversations

I feel safe in his arms as I take in his scent. He smells like a mixture of the rain, a slight trace of cologne and toothpaste. The fear that is always in my mind of my secret thoughts being revealed creeps into my mind, and I reluctantly pull away from him. My blue eyes concentrate on his concerned face, not knowing what to do. I've never really been hugged by a man, except Pacey a few times, but those were always brotherly hugs. I am not sure what to do now. I have always been curious what it would be like to have some man hug me, and it not be one of those manly sort of pat on the back hugs that they like to dole out to woman. I didn't expect it to feel so much like if I were coming home, and I am not sure what to do now.

Butterflies are starting churning in my stomach, which is something I haven't felt in a long time, and this scares me even more. I turn from his face, and stare at the tiles on the floor, looking at my reflection in the recently polished linoleum, and it makes me remember I don't know the last time they actually washed the floor, but it must have been recent, since we track a lot of mud into the station day by day. "I'm not sure what to say, this is a bit awkward." My voice is almost a whisper as it comes out, and I keep my eyes to the floor, as it realizes it sounds much like my feminine timber which comes out sometimes, which I guess is partially my fault since I have a medium range voice to begin with. It one of the reasons sometimes I don't talk, I stare people down, because they seem to expect me to have this deep timbre, and then, I speak and they seemed surprised.

He chuckles softly, and slightly nervously. He gives me a warm smile, and says, "I've never really talked to anyone about my depression either, so it is sort of a new experience for us both. But I had a friend once when I was going through a rough time would just sit with me quietly, and when times got really rough, she would hold my hand."

I glance up at him, confused a little. It sounds like a tradition of some kind among his friends that they have passed on. Something I am missing out on. I was always envious of Pacey and his friends, they seemed to have strong connections. I frown a little, and sigh softly.

"If it helps, we can just go into your office, and have coffee or something...and talk about pointless things. We don't have to talk about what Pacey wanted us to talk about since I know it is hard." He gives me another soft smile, and I glance to the floor again. His smiles are making me feel weak in the knees. I feel like I am going to fall down.

"I'm surprised you would even come here, normal people don't get up at 5:30 to help a brother's..." I take a slow breath, "a friend's brother." It feels like the words are sinking into the tile floor, and I wonder if he heard me.

He puts a hand on my shoulder. "Well, I was up and have class soon...and your Pacey's friend, too, which means you are my friend."

I look up at him again, noticing for the first time, he is almost my height, almost a centimeter and a half shorter. I wonder what it would be like to kiss him, not having to really bend down or him to stretch up. It is said that for the most part usually people can only have a same height kiss when they are sitting down or lying down, or something. His lips look soft, and like he applied Chap Stick to keep them shielded from the heavy wind outside. "Do you want some coffee...I have some in my office." I am not sure what to say about his comment; he probably thinks I am foolish, switching the subject. I mean I figured he would be up, but the thing about being Pacey's friend; I am not sure what to think. For awhile, I tried to be his enemy, the normal big brother, but as we both grew older, I just tried to be his friend, though I did a bad job at it I think. Even though recently we have been becoming closer than before.

"Coffee is good." He gives me a smile, as if to say, I am in charge of the conversation.

His smile allows me to take a deep breath, and to collect my mind a little as I start to walk towards my office. "I have some food in my office too, donuts, cereal. I am sure you are hungry."

"So, is cereal a breakfast food for you?" His voice seems playful, and curious, and there is something I like about how he asks the question. I hear his footfalls following me.

I stop walking and turn to him for a little. "Why?"

"Just wondering."

"I actually eat it more times than I should. It is my secret vice."

He chuckles. "Me, too... well, I don't hide it...But I like to eat it more than most people."

I give him a soft smile.