Dedicated to all the fans of Charmed who are still watching, even if they may not be happy with the direction the show has taken.
Disclaimer: Charmed is NOT mine in any way, shape, or form. If it was, the show would be completely different than it is today.
A/n: I feel I must put an extra disclaimer here, on behalf of myself. These stories may sometimes be extremely cynical and/or mock Charmed. To some people this may not be a big deal, but to others I know this can sometimes be offensive. I know you might be thinking, "Why is she even bothering to write about Charmed if she hates it so much?" The truth is, I don't hate Charmed. Although there are some aspects about it that I have become absolutely disgusted with, I am still a very loyal fan, and I have the utmost respect for the innovations and creativity it has displayed over the years. Plus I still absolutely adore Piper, and I don't think anything can change that.
So, I hope everyone who reads this can see the humor in the situation, and maybe share in the same laughs I have during the show.
This first story takes place right before "Still Charmed and Kicking."
Enjoy!
Bits and Pieces
One - New Policy: Death Becomes Them
Memo To: Michaela (Whitelighter to the Charmed Ones)
From: The Elders
Regarding: The death of the Charmed Ones
Please report today at eight o'clock western standard time, USA for a meeting regarding the death of the Charmed Ones.
Michaela held the memo tightly in her hands, willing herself to keep calm, and failing miserably. This was the end, she just knew it. She had scarcely been the Charmed Ones' Whitelighter for three months and here they had slipped right through her fingers and died. And the worst part of all: she hadn't even realized it! There hadn't even been a blip on her Whitelighter radar. No, just a memo from the Elders saying the Charmed Ones were dead. She stared down at the crinkled piece of paper again and groaned. They'd recycle her soul for this for sure!
Of course, what really goaded Michaela about this whole thing was that she hadn't even wanted this Charmed Ones Whitelighter gig. Truth was, no one wanted it. Rumors had been flying around like never before about Leo, and that was saying something, considering his entire career had been controversial in one way or another. Michaela hadn't thought anything could top his marriage to Piper, but flying over the cuckoo's nest certainly made him even more of the topic around the water cooler. Everyone had said the Charmed Ones were cursed for sure; suddenly a job everyone would have been jumping at a decade ago was making Whitelighters everywhere hang their heads in fear.
Somehow Michaela hadn't managed to evade the Elders, and without further ado, she was the sisters' new Whitelighter. She hadn't even had the chance to meet them, and now they were dead. Oh yes, the Elders were most certainly going to kick her out on the street.
The door to the Elders' chamber creaked open and Michaela sucked in a breath, her hands shaking so badly the memo tore in two. Carl slipped out and signaled that she could go in, and then scurried away before she could utter a word. So this was it. The end. She made her way up to the door and slipped inside, praying that whatever happened, it wouldn't hurt.
"Please, sit down, Michaela," said Odin. "We have a lot to discuss with you."
She tried and failed to give him a shaky smile before slipping into the empty chair at the end of the long table of Elders. Would there be some sort of trial before they terminated her?
"So, you received our memo, I see."
Michaela nodded, swallowed, and squeaked, "Yes, sir."
"And what precisely were your initial thoughts?"
Ha! she thought. When they hear this there'll be no stopping it. "Well, sir, to tell you the truth, sir, I was shocked."
"Why?
"Well...because...sir," her voice trailed away and she hung her head in shame, "I didn't realize they were dead."
Here it comes. The end.
"Precisely," Odin said . Her head snapped up. "Do you know why you didn't realize they were dead?"
She shook her head. "No, sir."
The Elders began to mutter amongst themselves, before, finally, Sandra spoke. "It's because they aren't dead, Michaela."
"Excuse me?"
"They aren't dead," said Odin. "They're pretending. Faking it." He rolled his eyes. "I still think that they'd have learned after seven years that-"
"That's enough, Odin," said Sandra. "We all know how you feel."
Michaela shook her head. "I'm sorry, but I'm still not following. The Charmed Ones are pretending to be dead? Why?"
"We're not sure," said Sandra, "but we think-"
"They're being cowards. Ducking out of their duty just like Leo did."
"Odin..."
"Oh, come on, Sandra, you know that deep down-"
"Enough already," said Jonah. "You all need to calm down. The fact of the matter, is, Michaela, that the sisters apparently felt they had no other way out except this."
Odin snorted. "But they think they're hiding it from everybody. The police, the underworld, us. Like I tried to say before, you would think they'd know by now that we can track their magic. And you, Michaela, you can still sense them, can't you? That's why you didn't know."
"Well, yes, I suppose-" Michaela began.
"Exactly!" said Odin. And he sat back, arms crossed, in a huff.
Sandra sighed.
Michaela bit her lip, hesitant, before speaking again. "Um, so, what exactly are you going to do about it?"
"Nothing," said Jonah. Sandra nodded in agreement.
"Nothing?"
"Yes, nothing. We took a vote, and we unanimously agreed that if the sisters want to do this, they can go ahead and do it."
"What?"
Odin leaned forward and spread his arms wide. "We've come up with a new policy, Michaela. It's called, 'Death Becomes Them.'"
"Basically," said Sandra, "we've decided that the sisters have been much too self-absorbed these past few years. We feel that this ultimate selfish act is the key to putting the girls back on track."
"Eventually we hope that they won't be able to resist helping the innocent. They'll come out of hiding," said Jonah.
"Plus," added Odin, "it gets them off of our backs for awhile."
The other Elders turned and glared at him.
"Oh, come on," said Odin. "I know you all have been just as annoyed lately."
Sandra rolled her eyes.
"Anyway," said Jonah, "we'll need you to keep an eye on them. From a distance, of course. Just make sure they're not getting into too much trouble. They are still the Charmed Ones, after all."
"And that's it?" said Michaela. "That's all you have to say about this?"
"Well, one of us will be making an appearance, of course," said Sandra. "You know, to pretend we don't know they're really alive."
"We thought we'd try to take the boys," said Odin. "Maybe that, at least, will knock some sense into Piper."
Michaela shook her head, dazed at the onslaught of information. Of all the ways she thought this day would end... She probably ought not to jinx it by staying any longer than necessary.
"So, is that all?"
"Oh, yes, Michaela," said Sandra. "You're excused."
She stood and turned towards the door.
"Just remember, Michaela," said Odin. "Death becomes them."