A/N: This is not another parody where all the author does is make the teen titans act out a play or movie stealing all of the dialogue directly from it. That is plagiarism not a parody. This however is a parody that mocks both the book and the movie. And it is not a musical, but I might mention one or two songs if they can easily be made fun of.
All casting was done by Beast Boy.
--Robin's audition--
"I'll be playing the phantom." Robin said.
"No way, you have curtain puller written all over you."
"WHAT!"
"You're always the star, in all of the dark serious episodes that actually have meaning and you got to play Hamlet the last time the author forced us into one of these parody thingies and I wanted to play Hamlet cuz he was cool and has a skull but you were all nooooooooo you can't memorize his lines and I bet I could so it's not fair that you're always the star so now you get to be the curtain puller."
"Let me at least play Raoul!"
"Curtain puller."
"Christine?"
"Umm… that's a chick part."
"I don't think you understand, I am willing to play a girl to be the lead-"
"Dude, no!"
"You're going to regret this." Robin grabbed his script and walked away ticked off.
--Raven's audition--
"First things first," Raven said, "I don't sing, I hate to act, don't expect me to smile and I don't care if corsets were in style at the time the play is set. Try and make me wear one, you will die."
"Hmmm…" B.B looked at his list of parts, and some notes he got from some bootleg cliff notes on each character.
Phantom - cool scary dude, loves Christine, major beef with Raoul, the star, do not give to Robin!
Christine - phantom's girlfriend, does MAD singing, stage kiss, Raven Muhahaha…
Raoul - loser that Christine likes, annoying crybaby, stage kiss, major beef with phantom
Firmin and Andre - two old rich dudes who buy the place and piss the phantom off
Carlotta - major beef with Christine
Madam Giry - knows the phantom, small part
Narrator - part for the author until someone dies
Curtain puller - self explanatory
"Christine."
"She sings, she smiles, and she has a stage kiss. No."
"You have to! Haha!"
"Sure about that?" Raven held up a bootleg advance copy of Zelda: Twilight Princess, B.B's eyes widened and he began to drool as he stared at the game.
"So new… so shiny!"
"I could always fry this thing by putting it in the microwave."
"NO! You can be Madam Giry! Please give me the shiny!" Raven tossed him the game; Beast Boy admired it and carefully opened the case only to realize it was empty. Raven had merely printed the game's cover from the internet and put it on an empty box. While Beast Boy was crying, Raven took her script and walked away.
--Terra's audition--
Terra was just standing there
"Do you have any previous acting experience?" B.B asked.
No response
"Ok, none, umm what part are you auditioning for?"
No response.
"You are aware Christine has a stage kiss are you sure?"
No response.
"No I'm not playing the guys she kisses."
No response.
"I understand, if I was a girl I'd only wanna kiss me too. Carlotta it is!"
--Cyborg's audition--
"Can I play the phantom?" Cyborg asked.
"Sorry, you can't have his part."
"Why?"
"Cuz season three was about you, you already had your share of the spotlight."
"So! Season five is gonna be about you!"
"But we haven't seen it yet now have we."
"But it's about you!"
"But we haven't seen it yet."
"But it's about you!"
"But we haven't seen it."
"But we're going to see it-"
"You can be Firmin and I'll be Andre." Cyborg shrugged and took his script.
--Slade's audition--
"Why am I here?" Slade asked.
"Cuz we're doing the phantom of the opera and there's more than five characters."
"And you expect me to care because?"
"I think you'd make a good phantom."
"No."
"WHAT?" Robin popped outta nowhere, "YOU CANNOT GIVE SLADE THE LEAD! I SHOULD BE THE LEAD! I'M SUPPOSED TO BE THE PHANTOM!"
"Actually," Slade said seeing how pissed of Robin was, "I will take the part."
"HE IS NOT PLAYING THE PHANTOM!"
"Yes he is," B.B said, "now go memorize you're lines."
"I have none." Robin said and glared.
--Aqualad's threat… err audition--
"Why am I here?" Aqualad asked.
"Cuz you're playing Raoul-" B.B was cut off by Robin.
"I should be playing Raoul! I deserve the spotlight! I know how to use it and-"
"Robin, don't make me demote you to narrator." Robin froze in shock, then he walked away, "Ok Aqualad, you're playing Raoul in the phantom of the opera."
"No! Mas and Menos dragged us to that movie because they thought the girl was pretty. I fell asleep, and it wasn't like Speedy or Bee woke me up when the movie ended either. What makes you think you can force me into this?"
"Just the contents of this envelope," B.B gave a big envelope to Aqualad, "I have copies by the way." Aqualad opened the envelope.
"What the heck?" he asked, "All you did was edit some pictures on the computer so it looks like I'm at a sushi place."
"The public doesn't know that."
"I hate you." Aqualad took his script and left.
--Starfire's audition--
"May I-" Starfire was cut off by Beast Boy
"Christine is the only chick part that's left. It's yours."
"Glorious!" she took a script, "I shall learn all of my lines with much enthusiasm! Christine gets to wear many pretty dresses yes?"
"You did not just give that part to Starfire!" Robin was back yet again, "I'd make a better Christine than her-"
"Robin, is Christine not a girl?"
"Yes she is, and she also happens to be the lead, I'm always the lead."
"But if she is a girl why would you wish to assume her role?"
"Because she's the lead."
"But you are a boy."
"And in Shakespeare's day men always played women, I don't see why I can't play Christine."
"But this is not in the day of Shakespeare." This went on for a very long time, in the end Robin lost, Starfire did a victory dance.
Cast List
Erik (the phantom) - Slade (happy to see Robin so pissed off)
Christine - Starfire (loves her part)
Raoul - Aqualad (this was not voluntary)
Carlotta - Terra (she's a rock, need I say more?)
Andre- Beast Boy (ok with his part)
Firmin - Cyborg (same as B.B)
Madam Giry - Raven (doesn't really care, just happy her part is small)
Curtain puller - Robin (extremely ticked he is not the star)
Narrator - Me! (narrating sucks…)
A/N: Man narrating sucks… I mean ladies and gentlemen way back in the late 1800's there was a haunted opera house in France. They had a ghost, he stole stuff and occasionally someone's corpse was found lying around who had been making fun of him several days earlier. Then one day two rich guys bought the place, so the two guys they bought it from were holding a huge gala to celebrate their retirement. At the after party Raven the keeper of box 5, pulled Cyborg and Beast Boy aside…
"The house ghost asks that you keep box 5 empty during every performance so he may attend as he pleases," Raven said.
"What the heck are you talking about?" Cyborg asked.
"We have a ghost in the opera house, keep box 5 empty for him and pay him the 20,000 franks a month he requests."
"WHAT!" B.B asked, "first he wants us to lose money by leaving some box empty and then he wants us to pay him 20,000 franks!"
"That's how much they used to give him, you can afford more?"
"Forget the stupid ghost," Cyborg said, "everybody's just superstitious."
"Hey, it's your funeral." Raven said, hit Cyborg over the head with her fan and then left. The next night Terra got pissed at everyone so she didn't sing, Starfire had to fill in for her; everyone loved her voice and thought it was better than Terra's. Surprisingly one of Starfire's childhood friends even recognized her that night.
"Starfire," Aqualad said, "don't you recognize me?"
"No," she said nervously, "I do not."
"I am the little boy who went into the sea to get your scarf." Starfire did remember him, but she knew her "angel of music" had many, many issues and that if she started dating anyone, he'd start killing people… again.
"I am sorry," Star said, "we have never met. I will happily speak with you later. Farewell!" Then she pushed him out of her dressing room. Aqualad couldn't care less, he was about to walk off the stage but then he saw B.B hold up a piece of paper that said sushi and sashimi on it. Aqualad walked back to where he was and started eavesdropping like he was supposed to.
"You sang very well tonight."
"Why thank you Slade I mean Robin." Starfire said, "Should you not be pulling the curtains?"
"No that's Slade's job now, we traded parts."
"As you are our leader I trust that you are not lying and did not jump Slade, bound and gag him and then leave him back stage while you assume his role."
"Um… sure…" a shot of Slade bound and gagged backstage is shown, "back to the script. You sang beautifully tonight."
"Why thank you Robin, I sang for you."
"Who was that boy?" the voice got serious.
"What boy?"
"The one in here just now, you know what boy I'm talking about."
"Oh… that boy."
"Yes that boy". What was he doing in here?"
"He was congratulating me on my performance."
"He was hitting on you."
"He was congratulating me and nothing more."
"He was hitting on you."
"No he was not."
"I'm not stupid. What did the boy want with you?"
"He thought he knew me from childhood, and he was mistaken. That is all."
"He better have been mistaken. I've told you before not to allow boys in here, you're dating him! Aren't you! Do I have to start killing people again?"
"No! Please, Robin, do not go on another massacre."
"I don't trust him. You're coming with me."
In Starfire's dressing room, the mirror opens up; Robin comes out with his mask on and Victorian dress clothes (complete with a cool cape and some nice leather gloves) stolen from Slade. He grabbed Starfire's hand and took her down to his underground secret hideout place, as he had done several times before to give her music lessons.
When they got to Robin's hideout, Robin took off his cape, revealing his uniform cape underneath it, then he took off that cape. Then Slade popped up behind him and grabbed the back of his shoulder, knocking him out Spock style.
"Never mind him he was an imposter." Slade said.
"Did you not trade parts?" Starfire asked, she was having some trouble breathing.
"No, Red X was lying to you again." He dragged Robin by an ankle back stage, threw a few of the heavier sandbags on him and left him there, "Let me explain why I've brought you here. You have an excellent voice, it inspires me to write music and build weapons but your voice isn't perfect, with some practice it will be." He walked over to the organ, "Sing O Mio Babbino Caro," he began to play Starfire wasn't singing, Slade turned around and saw that she had fainted due to lack of air, "wake up!"
No response. Slade got up and went to her, and kicked her gently a few times.
"Wake up! You can't go home until you've had your music lesson!"
"Corset… preventing… air…" Starfire said, and then Slade took out a switch blade knife and cut open the back of her corset. Starfire began to breathe again. "Thank you."
"Why do women force themselves into corsets anyway?"
"Why do you wear your mask?"
"I told you not to ask me about that!"
"Then you shall not ask me about corsets."
"The mask is completely different; I can still breathe when I wear it."
No response.
The Next Day…
Robin has once again bound and gagged Slade. Slade is now back stage, while Robin is on stage stealing his role yet again.
Starfire woke up to hear Robin playing the organ. She walked over to him and asked him what he was playing. He told her it was the opera he was writing. Then even though the first time Robin or Slade brought her down there a few moths ago he told her "don't touch the mask and you'll be fine" curiosity had gotten to her. She quickly grabbed Robin's mask and pulled it off, only to see another mask under it, and another and another and another… (15 minutes and a pile of masks later) and another and another and then she got the last one off, saw his face for only a second and screamed. Robin immediately covered his face, so she wouldn't have to see it.
A/N: For those of you who haven't read the book, the phantom has three emotions, rage (normally homicidal), sorrow and love. Sorrow leads to homicidal rage and then rage goes back to sorrow, love makes sorrow worse, leading to more rage and then more sorrow. It never ends.
"WHY'D YOU HAVE TO DO THAT! IF YOU THOUGHT I LOOKED HANDSOME UNDERNEATH IT YOU'D COME BACK! NOW YOU'LL NEVER RETURN TO ME! YOU CAN NEVER LEAVE!" then he got sad, "Why, Starfire… why? You can never leave now… my mask please?" she gave it to him and he put it on, "Please forgive me… you know I would never do anything to hurt you. Now you can never leave…"
"But am I not physically capable of leaving anytime I wish? I could perhaps use my starbolts to-"
"You're ruining the moment."
A Few Weeks Later…
Robin or Slade (you decide) had sent many letters to Beast Boy and Cyborg, yelling at them for not sending him his money yet and yelling at them for not making Starfire the lead in every single opera (even ones with a bass, baritone or tenor lead). He sent a letter to Terra telling her that if she ever sang again she'd die and one to Aqualad telling him to back off. And one of the stage guys who was making fun of the phantom a few days ago was found hanging on the stage. Total body count: 2
"Some freak named O.G keeps sending us letters!" B.B said, "Who the heck is he!"
"Opera Ghost," Raven said, "I suggest you listen to him. The death of the stage director was not suicidal." She hit B.B over the head with her fan and walked away.
"I don't care," Cyborg said, "he keeps asking for money and I'm not givin him any!"
"Did one of you send me this?" Aqualad said as he walked into the room, miserably. He wasn't trying very hard to act like he cared. "Someone named O.G. said if I do so much as look at Starfire he'll kill me."
"So now the ghost has a girlfriend." B.B said.
"She is dating a ghost and not me. My heart feels deeply hurt by this. Oh no, what shall I do?" Aqualad said this with no feeling at all.
"How should I know? She's been gone for three weeks." Then two guys dropped the statue of Terra in front of them. A dress had been sewn on to her and a letter was taped to it. She had an angry face drawn on her with sharpie markers.
"What the?" Cyborg took the letter and read it out loud.
"To my most foul Terra, you are far past your prime and should no longer be on stage. I suggest you hand over all of your roles to Starfire she is a good student unlike SOMEONE ELSE WHO PUSHED ME IN LAVA! You're voice was never a comparison unless it's being compared to the sound a muffler makes when it being dragged along the street by a crappy car and running over a cat at the same time. You are never to set foot on that stage again unless your role is a silent one, or if you die within the first act. If the second one happens let me know I'll arrange to make that death permanent. -- O.G." he stopped reading, crumpled up the letter and threw it behind his back, "we all know this is a lie."
"You'll be singing tonight!" B.B said to Terra, "We need your beautiful voice!" (A/N: The italics are B.B covering his mouth speaking for Terra)
"You wouldn't have Starfire instead?"
"She's gone missing actually. Besides, the world wants you. You have the best voice ever and you're beautiful and you have a wonderful voice, your fans need you. Terra, the world loves you! Please sing for us tonight."
"No way, I am not sucking up to a statue." Cyborg said.
"We kinda have no one else to sing for us!" B.B said aside to Cyborg, "if she don't sing, we have no show and then we're screwed!"
"How's a statue supposed to sing?" Beast Boy held up a record player and a roll of duct tape, "Why are we sucking up to her when we can just put her on the stage! She can't tell us no!"
"No! I won't do it! How dare you talk to the prima donna that way!"
"B…"
"I'm shocked! I look nothing like Beast Boy! You are a horrible man! I'm not singing tonight!"
"Yeah you are, and no way is some green idiot stopping me" Cyborg picked up Terra.
"I demand that you put me down! This is an outrage! I'd like to speak with your mother! You are a horrible man!" Cyborg just continued walking until he reached the stage and put Terra on it.
"Awesome!" Beast Boy said, "You got her to sing! We're not screwed!" Cyborg narrowed his eyes at Beast Boy.
"What?"
A/N: That's all for the first chapter. Sorry I didn't post the story sooner, school started two weeks ago so the next update won't be for a while. A little word of advice, DO NOT TAKE CHEMISTRY HONORS IT IS EVIL!