A/N: This probably would have been longer but I'm going on vacation for a week tomorrow and wanted to leave you with something while I was gone. Thank you so much to everyone who has read and reviewed. It truly is what keeps me going. Uh, song credit for this chapter: Pale Blue Eyes by Velvet Underground. This one verse always reminds me of Jess and Rory or how Jess might view Rory: "Thought of you as my mountain top. Thought of you as my peak. I thought of you as everything I've had but couldn't keep." This is all pointless, just read!

I wake to the feeling of weight shifting on the bed. By the time my eyes are open, Jess is no longer next to me. I despise the emptiness I feel seeing his impression left on the mattress. I move over on the bed, stretching myself out, feeling the warmth leftover from his body. I look at the clock and it's seven in the morning.

Somewhere in the distance, I hear the shower running and there is music being played loudly so as to be heard over the running water. I smile as an image of him singing in the shower appears in my mind.

After a minute of lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, waiting for him to get done in the shower, I get up and let myself wander around the room. I immediately go for his desk. It is messy, covered with paper and notebooks and worn paperbacks. I shuffle through the papers, unsure of what I'm looking for until I find it. There are three pieces of paper that all start with "Dear Rory." Two of them have barely anything written on them and what is written has been scratched out furiously with a black pen. The third, however, is not scratched out.

Dear Rory,

Kyle's party. I was going to break up with you. The whole night I was thinking about it. I was letting you down. I wasn't graduating. I couldn't take you to prom. There was no point. You wouldn't want me after all of it, anyway. And Luke was surely going to kick me out. So, I was going to break up with you. But, you came and found me and when I looked at you, I couldn't do it. All I wanted to do was kiss you and tell you that I loved you. But, I was scared shitless and never do anything I plan on doing.

I had to leave. I had to find a life somewhere else. I had to start over. I'm always starting over.

At the bottom of the page there is a piece torn off and I search through my bag until I find the envelope. Pulling out his brief apology, I understand.

He walks back into the room then and sees me sitting at the desk with the letter in front of me. His hair is wet and he is fully clothed. I make no attempt to hide the fact that I was rummaging through his things.

"You weren't supposed to see that." He says, not moving from the doorway.

"I guess not."

He notices that I'm holding the note he actually sent to me. "It's like a puzzle, huh?"

"You were going to break up with me?" Anger is rising within me and I'm speaking through clenched teeth.

"Yes." He's avoiding my eyes.

"God." I pause and look at him, trying to force him to make eye contact. "I'm not stupid, you know? I saw your bag when I ran into you on the bus. I knew what was going on."

"I know."

"I hate you." I feel sick to my stomach because I realize I can't leave. It's not as easy as walking out the door and the few blocks to my house. "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you." I'm not yelling, though. I'm just muttering it to myself. Over and over.

"Rory…" His voice is wary and soft. I disregard it completely.

"I hate you!" I yell it at him this time. "I hate you for doing this to me. For making me do all the awful things I did when I was with you. I hate you for leaving me. I hate you for never telling me anything. You made me feel useless and I hated that feeling. I hated seeing you upset and not being able to make anything better because you wouldn't even tell me why you were upset in the first place. I just…I hate it. This! I hate this!" I take in a shaking breath. And then quietly, "I hate that despite everything, all of it, the leaving, the lies, you make me feel something."

This is how it should be. Only, I should be saying this over the phone, from the safety of my own bedroom where I can immediately hang up and cut him out of my life. Instead, I am here where this is no escape. I will not be able to cut him out when I am done. The angry words coming from my mouth will hang in the air between us when I am done. He will take them and do what he pleases and I will have to watch him. I will have to wait for his reaction.

His reaction does not come right away. Instead, he asks me, "Why are you so afraid?"

"Because I don't understand it! Why you? You're horrible to me! And Dean. Dean was perfect but I never felt this with him. But, you! I don't know what this is! What to do with it!"

I stop yelling and the room is dead silent, nothing moves, neither of us breathes. He won't look at me. I stand there, a hand on each side of my head, waiting.

"So, this is how it's going to be?" He inhales deeply. "You're always going to compare me to Dean."

"No…" But, he's right. It's what I've been during the whole time. "Yes." I say, defeated.

"Great." He turns to walk out of the room. I know I should say something, anything. When he's in the doorway, he stops, not turning around and says, "Maybe you shouldn't be here. Maybe this was a bad idea." And he walks out, leaving me to stand in the middle of his bedroom, shaking.

There is still music playing in the bathroom and without the sound of the shower to battle, it is loud. I listen, trying to recognize the song. Linger on, your pale blue eyes- And then, there is the sound of his fist coming down hard on the stereo. I collapse onto the bed, letting my tears roll into my ears, letting them block out the sound of silence.

I roll over onto my side and see the phone on his nightstand. I grab it and quickly dial a familiar number. It rings and rings. And then, finally.

"Daughter! How's the Sunshine State?"

"Actually, Florida is the Sunshine State." I try to cover up the sadness in my voice.

"Technicality. How are you? How's everything?" She says everything in a way that means Jess.

"Fine. Everything's fine." I hate that I'm lying to her. I hate that I don't feel like I can tell her what is going on.

"Just fine?"

"Great. Jess is great. I'm great. His family here is great. California is great."

"I am unconvinced. What's wrong, sweetie?"

"It's awful. Everything is going wrong. We just had this huge fight. Or, really I just started yelling at him. He was going to break up with me, did you know that? At Kyle's party, he wanted to break up with me. Of course, he didn't tell me this. I had to read it in the letter he didn't send to me. And I just went crazy. I told him I hated him about fifty times. And I compared him to Dean. That's when he walked out on me."

"Oh, babe…"

"It started out well, though. I mean, last night he was perfect."

"Last night?" Her ears have perked up now.

"He was being so gentle, I don't know. He didn't try anything. He didn't push me or try to fight with me. He let me sleep in his bed…"

"You slept in his bed? Was he in it?"

"He was, but it wasn't…We didn't do anything. He just…held me and we fell asleep. It felt nice to roll over and have something solid there, you know?"

"Rory, if anything does…"

"Mom. I know. Besides, the way things are going now, it doesn't look like we'll even be talking anytime soon." I am quiet for a second, thinking about my mother and wanting to be near her. "I want to come home." I feel like a child but I don't care.

"I know, honey. Just, ride it out, okay?"

I'm crying again. "Okay. Love you."

"Love you, too." And she is gone.

I hear the floorboards in the hall creaking slightly. When I get to the door, I see Jess walking back down the hall.

It is like this the entire day. Neither of us speaking to the other. I spend most of the time in his room with the door shut while he goes in and out of the house. I try to read but I can't focus on the words. I try to listen to music but I brought none of my own CD's and all of his bring up bad feelings in my stomach. I try to sleep but the bed is unfamiliar and does not smell like home. I try no to think about him. I try not to think about the distance between here and home, the impossibility of getting there anytime soon. I try to be happy.

I come out of his room when I smell dinner being made and hear voices in the kitchen. Jimmy and Sasha are standing in front of the stove, laughing and smiling at one another. When they hear me come into the room, they turn around.

"She lives!" Jimmy exclaims.

"I do." I smile awkwardly unsure of what is appropriate.

"Jess told us you weren't feeling well and that we should just let you rest in his room for the day. You look fine now, though."

I breathe a sigh of relief that they don't know the truth. I silently thank Jess for being such an impeccable liar.

"Oh, yeah. I feel much better now. Thanks."

Sasha turns from the pot she was stirring and addresses me. "Well, we're making spaghetti, if you're hungry."

"Oh, I'm starving….Do you know where Jess is?"

Jimmy furrows his brow. "He went out. Who knows where. You know how he is. But, he's probably at that bookstore that's about four blocks down."

"Oh, okay. I'm just going to go…look for him." I quickly exit the room and walk out of the house.

I'm not sure where to go, where to look for him but I make a right and start down the street. I am thankful it isn't dark yet. I walk for a few blocks when I see a bookstore on the corner. I decide to take my chances and walk in.

The bell on the door dings and everyone looks up at me. There are four older women in the store that I can see. They say hello and I smile at them before venturing further into the store. It seems like there's no one here. The aisles are empty and the room is almost silent save the soft chatter of the women up front. I turn a corner and head into the political science section. And there he is, sitting on the floor.

He doesn't notice me at first so I cough slightly and move closer to him. He looks at me and sighs heavily before I join him on the floor. "How'd you find me?"

"I just followed my wits."

An awkward silence falls between us then and we both sit, our hands fidgeting, our mouths forming words and then falling closed again.

Surprisingly, he speaks first. "I'm sorry for walking out on you like that, for leaving you alone all day. I was a jerk."

"You had your reasons, though." I hesitate, turning to look at him. When his eyes meet mine, it suddenly seems easier. "I'm sorry for comparing you to Dean, for saying I hated you, for saying you were horrible. I didn't mean any of it. I'm just mad at you for a lot of things. And I'm scared because this, us, we're so imperfect but somehow it feels…right, good, you know? I lose my self control when I'm with you and I don't like that feeling."

He reaches over and puts his arm around my shoulders, pulling me to him until our sides are flush. "I know." And, for him, it is as simple as that.

I kiss him on the cheek and feel the muscles in his face pull into a smile. "I wanted to go home so badly today."

"I heard you on the phone with your mom."

"Yeah…I want the rest of this week to be good. Homesickness is an awful feeling, you know."

"Been feeling it pretty much my entire life."

I am taken back by this comment. "What do you mean?"

"My whole life, nothing's ever really felt like home. New York never felt like home because I never felt safe coming back to the apartment. I never knew who would be in there. Would Liz be sober? Would she have one of her boyfriends over? Would she be married again by the time I got home from school?"

I nod slowly, taking it in. "Oh.."

"And, Stars Hollow. Everyone hated me there." His eyes dart to me quickly. "Except for you."

"You're not coming back, are you?" The realization hits me hard.

"I don't know, Rory. I need to figure things out."

"Yeah, oh, of course. I understand." I am fighting a feeling back but I'm not sure what it is. Anger, sadness, love. I decide it is all of them combined into a feeling that mostly just tightens my throat.

He stands up, pulling me up with him. Once we are standing, he kisses me quickly on the mouth. "Home?"

I smile widely at him. "Home."