A/N: I'M BACK TO MY OLD SELF, LITTLE MISS ANGSTY. BUT I REALLY THINK THIS PART OF THE STORY NEEDS TO BE TOLD, NOW EVERYTHING BEFORE IT WILL MAKE MORE SENSE. THIS CHAPTER DOES CONTAIN A FLASHBACK, SO I HOPE IT'S NOT TOO CONFUSING. AND I HAD TO HAVE AT LEAST ONE CHAPTER WITH EVERYONE'S FAVORITE SHRINK IN IT. NOPE, NO OWNERSHIP.
CHAPTER 31: SURVIVORS GUILT
It was Woody's six-month psychological evaluation, the big one. Dr. Stiles started this session like he did every month asking Woody how he was doing. Woody always replied the same, "As well as can be expected.", trying not to go into too much detail. He didn't want to give the wrong answer, it felt like Stiles was grading him. Just one bad grade away from anti-depressants, and he sure as hell didn't want to be put on anymore medication, he was taking enough as it is.
They talked about his physical pain. Woody admitted that he was almost always in pain but tried not to let it show. He hated taking the pain pills, they made his head feel heavy and fuzzy, so he just learned to deal with the pain, when he could tolerate it. That's a B, Woody thought. Next question was, " How is therapy going?". Woody replied that he was pretty fed up with therapy. It was redundant, practically pointless. He paused and added that it was something he needed to do if he wanted to recover, some function. Woody watched Stiles writing in his notebook, then looked at his face. Ooh C no C+.
On to work, Woody said it was getting better, and that was mostly true. He could handle the occasional stares and whispers, but it was the doubt that bothered him. A lot of the other detectives and cops had acted like Woody wasn't a good or capable detective anymore. Like the bullet had somehow affected his brain, he was just damaged goods. Woody was getting annoyed now, he wasn't happy about where this was headed. Crap, that's at least a D-. Here it was the question Woody was dreading, "What about Jordan?", Stiles asked, smirking. "What about Jordan?", Woody asked back, unamused, then added flatly, "Jordan and I are fine." F that is definitely an F.
Determined to bring his grade up Woody continued, "Jordan and I are trying to move forward. I don't know if it will work out, but at least we're trying." He waited for Stiles to look up, but he didn't, he kept on writing. "Have you told her that you love her?", Stiles asked, showing no emotion. "Not yet, but I'm working on it.", Woody confided, that answer being the honest truth. Stiles smiled at Woody. That's right, turn that F into an A.
Then Stiles dropped a bomb on Woody, "How do really feel about what has happened to you? Give me the first word that comes to mind." Woody didn't have time to think, before he knew it the word rolled off of his tongue, "Guilty.". Dr. Stiles was surprised, he had expected sad , angry, depressed……huh guilty. "Why would you feel guilty.", Stiles asked, very curious. Woody shrugged, "I don't know. Guilty for not working hard enough, guilty for not catching them in time, guilty for…………, he stopped. "Guilty for surviving, Detective?", Stiles asked. "Why Doc, why did the die and I live.", Woody asked feeling hot tears start to sting his eyes. "I'm afraid I don't have that answer Woody, that's not my department.", he tried a little humor. "But they had families.", Woody stated, bravely holding back the tears. "So do you Detective.", Stiles replied. "No, I mean wives and children and parents, parents shouldn't have to bury their kids.", Woody said, his emotions rising. "Tell me Woody, why is it different?", the doctor asked, knowing he was close to breaking down the emotional wall Woody had been hiding behind.
Woody started to tell him about that day at the courthouse. After his shooter has been sentenced, Renee was off to request sentencing for the brother. Woody told Jordan he wanted to go. She tried to talk him out of it, saying he had already been through enough, but Woody insisted. The families statements were heart wrenching. Woody told Stiles about Officer Collins' wife lovingly talking about her husband while she was cradling the 2-month old baby girl, who's father never got to meet her. But the most difficult part was when 5-year old Andrew Collins stood up on a chair, wearing his father's badge around his neck, and told the court, "My Daddy died, I miss him.", then climbed down and ran back to his mother.
Stiles took a moment to gather his thoughts. "Woody, you have to live your life. You can't stop living because of what happened to you or because of what didn't happen to you. Your life is what you make of it and you're here now, that's what matters." Stiles leaned in to look directly at the young detective. "Don't let this guilt eat away at you. It's okay to be happy, you deserve it. For whatever reason, you've been given a second chance, use it. You truly have something to be thankful for.", he said, putting a comforting hand on Woody's shoulder. "I know.", Woody replied, wiping his eyes.