After Jakiri had interrupted us in the hall, I didn't want to go near Kurama for the next day or two. Had it just been an act of desperation due to the fact that my only friend had disappeared? Jakiri still spent many hours with Sako, but when I was lying on top of my bed, Kurama didn't come anymore. He seemed to be scared of hurting me again. I would have been too, but he had wanted me so badly before that it seemed odd for him not to come.
When I was not alone, it was Jakiri who visited me. Those visits weren't entirely pleasant, but it was better than not having anyone at all to talk to. "Mistress," she said stiffly, walking in in a very businesslike manner. For all of her honorifics and distance, she could have been the executioner of royalty. Oh, that's right. I still held the title of royalty, and she would have taken that power away if she had been able.
"Servant," I replied mockingly, running a hand through my hair in boredom. Eventually I stopped because it only made me think more about Kurama.
"I just came to make sure that nothing...suspicious had happened here," Jakiri replied with a grim look on her face.
I slapped a hand to my forehead in frustration. "I've barely moved from this spot," I snarled, trying to remind her that Kurama had barely come within ten feet of me for the past days. The anger in my voice shone through, giving it a certain edge. Hopefully, Jakiri would be fazed by it.
"Of course," she replied smartly, smiling at me, "he's too scared that another accident will happen." My eyes lowered in a vicious glare as Jakiri sat on my bed. Letting the blind fury go, it came out in the form of raw power. So much for the beauty of my bedroom.
Hard vines sprouted up everywhere, forming themselves from the hardwood floor. Jakiri was taken aback as she was thrown from her place onto the soft, earthy floor. Forming a dome that only let some light in through very narrow cracks, my power provided a shield from everyone. If I made contact with no one, then I wouldn't be able to get myself into trouble. I couldn't get hurt by desperate spirit detectives, I couldn't let Jakiri chastise me, I couldn't let Kurama run his fingers through my hair...
"Kurama," I whispered weakly, gazing out of one of the cracks to see that the floors of my bedroom had become soft earth and the ceiling was the same, with mossy vines hanging from it. Roses, their petals wilting slowly, were scattered across the floor. Seated on the bed, it was the soft grass of Hell's Grove, the place that was the only true home I had ever had.
Back then, Jakiri and I had been friends with each other. I hadn't felt like I needed to be alone before I met Kurama. I had just wanted to stay in power with my servant to watch my back. Now the power was the one thing I had left. Jakiri's long fingernails had turned into long, pale blue claws, and she was trying to bring down my barrier. Wherever her claws struck, I could see a flash of green light. "Kurama..." I whispered again, feeling a tear drizzle down my cheek. It wasn't even that I wanted him. It was just...I had never had so many problems in my life before we met.
The shield I had built up around myself refused to give, no matter how much Jakiri struck at it. Finally, I sent a surge out, and a shockwave threw Jakiri back roughly until she hit the earthy wall. "Leave me alone," I rasped, curling myself into a tight ball. Even my own breath seemed to come only with effort. Suddenly, I heard footsteps outside, those which were coming to check on me. One crack opened wide and I could see Kurama. After I saw him, all of the cracks closed tightly. They responded to my nervous emotions that told me to run from all of them, not to let them take me over. Jakiri would try to domineer me until I had no will of my own left. Kurama would tie me down to one place for the rest of my life. Neither option sounded appealing.
Rose petals drifted within my shield, wilting and withering as they floated down to me. I grasped one petal and squeezed it gently, watching it crumble all too easily. "I can't," I said, burying my head in my lap. "I can't do this. Not forever." Faster and faster, the petals showered me in their crimson glory, the crimson glory that was fading away. Looking down at my arm, I saw that a long, narrow cut ran down the length of my forearm. Blood poured from it in a steady stream, floating up to become the wilting petals.
Pressing a hand to my collarbone, I could feel a jolt of pain. I stood up and surveyed the rest of my body. It was streaked with cuts like the one on my forearm. Suddenly, I collapsed to my knees, clutching my head. Thoughts and emotions flurried in my mind, one melting into the other, the first thought quickly changing into the second and vice versa. "I can't stay here," I rasped, feeling the dry crackle of my breath. Shutting myself out, I had forced my own death, the death of a soulless corpse. My night with Kurama had been a foolish escapade, a desperate gesture because I had been feeling abandoned.
Shouts echoed in the shield, and I could make out Jakiri and Kurama's voices. My head was spinning, but I could hear the two of them arguing. Letting the shield down enough to hear, I listened to the only two voices that were clear anymore...
"It was your stringency that made her do this!" Kurama shouted. "She's slowly killing herself, shutting out her soul!"
"It's not my fault that you're both irresponsible children," Jakiri retorted coolly, gazing at him with icy blue eyes.
"At least we found some aspect of forgiving! You're just not willing to let go of the days when you two were alone!"
"Those were better than the days when she swooned over a stupid fox!"
"Well, the 'Stupid fox' seems to have more than you do!" It continued on and on, until it was just background noise that melted into the whisperings within my head.
Without my bidding, the shield fell. My power had nearly been depleted, and I was covered in cuts that went deeper than my physical self. They gnawed at my soul. Why had I done this to myself? Even if I didn't belong anywhere, I still had goals to accomplish, things that I needed to do. Now I was slowly dying by my own hand. Scarlet petals continued to fall, showering me in their softness and turning to blood when they touched me. Kurama stared helplessly at my limp form. "You fool," he said laughingly, walking up to the bed where I was.
He looked as though he belonged on the earthy floor that had been forged of the original wood. The rose petals that had formed a carpet on the rich earth seemed to suit him perfectly. "Idiot," I whispered to him, for letting me do this to myself. Kurama just laughed and touched the center of my chest, causing a silver glow to form. The worst of my cuts closed up and the blood vanished from my body. Normally, such wounds would have been fatal, but he had saved me.
If nothing else forced me to owe him something, that did. Ever since I had come into this house, all I had done was humiliate and reject him. First I hated him, then I used him, then I loved him, then I avoided him. It all felt so wrong to mislead him like that now that I reflected upon it. "I know a healer who can come and see you," Kurama said gently, brushing a soft hand across my cheek, dipping slightly whenever it hit one of my cuts. Without another word, he ran off swiftly to fetch this "healer".
That left me and Jakiri to be alone for a little while. Both of us stared at the ground, ashamed of how we had acted toward the other. We each knew that our behavior would only have befitted very young children under normal circumstances. "Forgive me, Mistress," Jakiri said, looking up at me sorrowfully. "I...forgot my place. For a while I had forgotten what it was like to have my own life, but now I know that my duty comes first and foremost above all."
"You had a right to be angry," I replied. After such a sincere admitting of wrongs, I felt that it would be a very stupid thing to do if I didn't apologize also. "Me and Kurama, I think it was just a short escapade anyway. I felt abandoned, so I reached out to the one I knew would love me deep within no matter how he tried to hide it. After a while, I just thought that if I didn't let either of you in, all my problems would be solved."
We looked at each other, smiling. Jakiri had forgiven me for loving Kurama, and somewhere deep inside, I wanted to forgive her for ignoring me. It seemed such a self-centered thing to be angry about, after all. Both of us lay on the bed, working out the wrongs we had done to each other. Rose petals were everywhere, and some had even begun to stick to the walls. As I let all my fears and confessions go, they fell on top of us, dark and moist once more. They were so soft on my skin, and I grabbed one, stroking it with my thumb.
"I'm sorry," I whispered finally, and sat up, rose petals falling from my torso. My clothes had become torn rags hanging limply from my body. There was no shape left to them at all. Wherever there was a cut, there was an even longer tear in my clothes. Stained with blood, they were also a horrible sticky mess. Getting up from the bed, I dug through the warbrobe. There was a giant fold of white cloth, much like the one Kurama wore. I peeled off my old clothes and wrapped the snowy cloth around me. Jakiri found a small brooch that was silver with a light blue gem set in it and used it to fasten the garment onto me.
Just as I had arranged the folds so that they didn't show too much skin, I looked down to see that the bottom only came down to midthigh on me at its lowest point. Kurama walked in and smiled. "I see you found a way to turn it into something that suits you," he said, smirking. Behind him was a short girl with green hair and large, black eyes. She wore a light green dress that fell to her knees with an ankle-length train behind it. In the center of her forehead was a white jewel that glowed eerily. "This is Yuki," he said, after he caught my attention again. This woman emanated a tremendous aura that said she was far more powerful than her slight frame portrayed. Looking into her eyes, I could see the hardness that came with the experience of having dealt with all types, having seen the most grotesque wounds. Perhaps some of them made me look like a little girl crying over a few tiny scrapes.
"If you do anything to hurt Kaiina, revenge will be taken," Jakiri said from the corner, speaking in a low, dangerous tone.
"If I meant to hurt her," Yuki said calmly, "I wouldn't have let you and Kurama live this long." At mention of Kurama's name, she smiled a little bit and then turned back to me. "So, you are Kaiina, the spoiled, deposed princess."
"I'm different than your preconceived notions, then," I retorted sharply.
"Sorry, I couldn't resist," Yuki replied. "Your father forced my mother to die a very painful death. Perhaps the two of us are destined to share such a path."
"I doubt it," I said cuttingly, anger seething in my mind.
"Well, then, let's get on with it."
Yuki ran her hands lightly over body, feeling what would have been my natural outline had I not had all those gashes and welts from my own torture. "What did you do to yourself?" she murmured, finishing up by cupping my head in her hands. "Something big must have happened here," she said. "I can close up the wounds, but there will be pain from time to time. There's a sort of...barrier. When I try to delve into the wound and mend it, something in your body protests very strongly. If you want, I can try to push past it. However, it will be painful." Just wanting to live normally again, I nodded.
With a look of deep concentration, she pressed her hands to the place on my stomach where the deep gash was. Closing her eyes, I could feel something tingling on the surface. All of a sudden, my eyes shot open, and I felt the most unbearable pain. Hot needles seemed to be poking their way into my skin, sinking in so I could feel the searing heat. Everything raged in protest, and I reflexively sent out a surge of power, knocking Yuki against the wall. She got up easily enough and glared at me, trying it again. This time, the needles penetrated even deeper, and I could feel something melting away. Liquid fire scorched my soul, melting in around it, cradling it with the feel of a hateful mother's touch. It would have been gentle if not for the pain that made me cry out desperately, speaking names that I had almost forgotten for so long, friends from the days when my family had still been alive.
Suddenly, the fire formed into something solid, and there was an in and out motion, going in and out of my skin. I raged on and on, but it didn't go away this time. Defeated by this horrific pain, I sank back, only to find that it was gone, My eyes watered heavily, but I blinked away the tears. Jakiri looked over at me and smiled. I could see Yuki stepping away, shaking her hands as though they had been seared as badly as I had. "It's over," she said. "You should only have a few minor scars. About that large gash down the middle of your front, I closed it up, but I couldn't stop a little scar from forming."
"Thank you," I murmured, wrapping my arm around Kurama's and sitting up with little difficulty.
"Just rest a while and you'll be fine," Yuki said matter-of-factly, and walked out the door, the long part of her dress fluttering out behind her.
"Finally," I breathed, looking up at Kurama. Jakiri sighed, rolled her eyes, and got up to leave. He helped me out of the bed and looked at me lustily. He had wanted me whole for so long, and now it was finally true. I wasn't wounded and abed.
"You look more beautiful than ever," he whispered to me, and brushed my hair back. By now, Jakiri had left the room to attend to other things.
"You don't need to starve yourself for their sake," I retorted, teasing him about his drawn appearance.
"I was just worried," he retorted, laughing at my comment.
My body was in his arms, and he could have taken me by force if he really wanted to. However, I wasn't sure if I wanted another brief escapade. Would it lead to me having too much to handle, or would it be the best experience I would ever know? Did he really love me, or was Jakiri right? Confused thoughts swirled in my head as I gazed up into his eyes. Yuki had acted like she wanted him, but she already knew that he was taken. She would be better suited for him. There was no tentativeness to her, no hesitation. She would be quick to please him, and he would be so much happier. Despite that, he wanted me. I decided that, brief escapade or not, I would try to enjoy the moment without thinking of Yuki.
He stroked my back for a little while, one arm wrapped around my waist. I shrank back for a little while, but then I fell into him, letting him at least have me for a little while. Scared of what might happen, I stood on my tiptoes, but he lifted me so easily,cradling me in his arms. "The night comes swiftly," he said softly, kissing my cheek with utmost tenderness. Even the night and its cover did not provide enough security for me to feel safe. I looked up at him, my eyes filling with tears. He pressed my head to his chest, and let me cry into him for what seemed like forever.
"I'm so sorry," said between sobs. "I just don't know if I'm ready for this. I don't know if I can measure up to the great lover that you have set me up to be. Please, Kurama, I need my space. I just need to get away from all the confusion for a while."
"But you're not leaving, are you?" he asked, tempting me with his eyes of molten gold.
"I have to," I said, my tears drying up slowly. "Otherwise, I don't know if I'll ever be ready. Please, just let me go this once, and I promise I'll come back someday. Someday, we'll find each other again, and I'll be ready to love you like you deserve."
Setting me down, he looked at me with sorrow and disappointment in his eyes. I couldn't look at him anymore, not after just having rejected the one who had loved me so deeply. The feel of his soft hands lingered on my skin, and his scent lingered all over me. It was just a brief escapade, though, and I had to get away. Oh, it felt so horrible to lie to him.