The next morning came all to quickly. I awakened with a horrid drowsy feeling, and I knew my dreams had been restless. They had involved the hooded figure. Though she appeared to me in different clothes every time, never did she reveal her face. Was it so repulsive that she didn't want to show anyone, or did she really have something to hide. Unfortunately, I still had information to find, and that would mean being in the same place as Shuiichi...again.
There wasn't much that was wrong with Shuiichi. He was very attractive, with a winning smile and a mystery about him that made every part more appealing. When he talked, it was in that smooth, low voice, but I knew that not everyone heard that considerate voice. He liked me too, but this was just a false pretense of me. The real me had been left behind in Makai; she had died with the one who had loved her most dearly. Now there was just her shell...me.
Looking around, I didn't see anyone, and wondered why I was alone. Nobody ever bothered me. Stranded out in this forest, I had very little idea how to get back to the city. The grey before dawn was slowly seeping out of the sky, and I knew that I only had about an hour. This place was so welcome, and I wanted to stay here, but that wasn't an option. No, I couldn't whittle my precious life away like I had in Hell's Grove. When I had returned there, it was only to run away some more. I would never be ready to face my problems, like Kurama and Jakiri. Forever I would be the weak, dependent fool.
When I came to the edge of the trees, I touched a hand to one, closing my eyes. Images floated through, some interesting, some very ordinary. Then there was a couple running off through the forest a little bit to the left. This scene played through till the end, showing me the path that would lead out of the forest. I couldn't afford to blow my cover by being late again. Even better, I would have to explain to Shuiichi why I had run away from him yesterday. Really, that was the part I was looking forward to the least.
Once I was out of the woods it didn't take long to find my way back to Meio. Everybody was rushing inside, and I found my way to history class alone, taking a seat in the back of the class, far from where Shuiichi seemed to like to sit. He would be all the way at the front, and it would appear to him that I was sick. He entered with a chorus of giggling girls and took his usual place, dropping his book bag right next to his seat. My cheeks flushed red at the embarassment I felt for running away like that. It had been so easy to lose him, it had almost seemed staged.
However, I wasn't getting away that easily. Shuiichi shot me a look that said we needed to talk and a few of the other girls started to whisper in amusing jealousy. They looked at me next, but I just averted my eyes and listened to the teacher for the rest of the period. Every second dragged like it was its own eternity, and I felt so guilty that it hurt to even look at Shuiichi's back. Every time I did, a sinking feeling took my stomach.
The bell rang, to my relief, and the rest of my classes were almost Shuiichi-free. Not only did he remind me of Kurama, but I found myself looking when I knew he wasn't. It was such a dirty thing to do, to cheat on Kurama when he probably would never know where I was, since I was too self-absorbed to help him. Shuiichi and I would live out our happy lives with many redheaded children, and I would settle inconspicuously into Ningenkai without ever finding the lover I had mourned such a short time ago. It was all so pitiful.
That wasn't the way I wanted it to end, though. I wanted to be close to Kurama when I died, to have him hold me while I drew my last breath. Then my life would have been complete, a long and full one, and I would have no regrets. However, fate would most likely have something very different to say. It always did.
After school, Shuiichi caught me near that tree. He looked at me as if we had had some sort of awkward moment. Oh, that's right, I had run away from him like the selfish brat I was. He just wanted to help, even though he would have liked to become romantically involved, but he didn't want to take me away with him...he just wanted to talk. "Hi Shuiichi," I said, smiling. I knew it looked so pathetic and fake. "Did you need something?"
"I just wanted to apologize," he said, holding out a hand. "If you don't want to talk about it, you don't have to."
"Thank you," I replied, giving him a truly genuine smile. "It was just that you remind me of someone I used to be very close to. He's somewhere out there, but I'm still searching."
"I hope you find him," he said, and walked away to let me have a little time to myself.
The walk away carried me to a very dark place, where there weren't many people. The only light filtered in through cracks in the old, rotting wooden walls. It wasn't a place where I would normally go. It made me remember that dome I had formed around myself, where there had been almost pure darkness. "It's a little early," the woman at the counter said. "Usually no one comes in 'till at least five. Guess misery can't wait that long, though, huh?" Seeing how I had a very upset, defeated look on my face, she ushered me over to a table and brought over two glasses with a strange liquor in them.
"So, hon, what's your problem?" she asked, setting down the drinks and sitting down herself. "You look like you've been through a heartbreak or two...too bad, since you're so young."
"Yeah," I said half-heartedly. "I thought he died, but then found out that somehow...somehow he survived. I was so gulty. There was no other way for me to know if he hadn't told me. I wanted to find him so badly, but I never knew it would be this hard." I let out a very heavy sigh and took a sip. The liquor was strong, but it was appropriate for this sort of occasion, especially in this sort of place.
"You can't do anything but keep on searching," the woman said, grasping one of my hands. Looking up her arm, I could see several tattoos, and then I hit her eyes.
Those eyes were so empty, as if she'd gone through too much pain to care about the world anymore. Yet she hadn't...she wanted to listen to my problems without hesitation. This was one of the advantages to being in Ningenkai; the people were a lot more open, and I liked being able to know what they thought of me without having to read expressions every second. "Never give up, hon," she said, and I knew she meant it. "I made too many mistakes in the past, and now I can at least help other people solve other problems." She looked at me as if I was another subject, but one that was very special to her.
"Thanks," I said softly. "I won't, trust me."
She left my table, but I still decided to stay here. Nobody from the school I was attending seemed to come by this part of town, and I liked the bartender for talking sense into me. Before, I had given up when things weren't easy enough, but Kurama had planted a desire in my heart that was insatiable. If I never knew him, I would never have learned how to actually go after things.
Suddenly, I heard the radio get louder; it must have been a song that the bartender liked, because she blasted it, despite the fact that it was a slow song...
So you sailed away,
Into a gray sky morning.
It reminded me of Kurama. He had just left me without warning, and then he was gone. There was no time for goodbyes...I had only been left with his cold, dead body.
Now I'm here to stay,
Love can be so boring.
Wasn't that the truth. I was in love, but there was no physical contact for the moment. We couldn't touch each other like we should have been doing. My ears were so unfortunately closed to his words of endearment. There was nothing for me to do here except search for him, waiting for the day when his false identity would finally melt away, and I would be left with my beloved.
And nothing's quite the same now...
I just say your name now...
"Kurama," I whispered. "Kurama..." One more time for good measure never hurt anyone. The simple acoustic melody drifted easily through my ears as the singers rough voice melted my heart, reminding me of the one who had captured my heart.
But it's not so bad,
You're only the best I ever had...
As this part played on, I closed my eyes and remembered the times when he would kiss me so tenderly, whether it was in my dreams, or in his mansion. Either way, he loved me so much that it spilled over whenever he touched me, and he acted as if I was a very fragile, delicate creature...
You don't want me back,
You're just the best I ever had...
Kurama probably wouldn't want me back in the end. I had been such a coward, and it was taking so long for me to figure out who it was. After all that time had passed, both of us would have become old and grey in our ningen forms...
So you stole my world,
Now I'm just a phony.
Remembering a girl...
Leaves me down and lonely.
He had stolen my world, and I was nothing without that ever-endearing love. Whenever I thought about the girl I once was, it brought to my mind thoughts that some would call depressing. Every single time, it brought about images of his dead body, and the guilt that still lingered in my heart.
Well send it in a letter...
Make yourself feel better.
Who was there for me to send a letter to anyway? I was alone in this world; I had even left Jakiri. Confessing my confusion to the bartender had made me feel a little better, but otherwise...
But it's not so bad,
You're only the best I ever had.
You don't want me back,
You're just the best I ever had...
The guitar kept on going on its own for a little while, and I cried a little. Kurama had died without me being there to see him, and now I was lost in this whirlwind of emotions. First I was angry at myself, then feeling sorry for myself, then acting happy for the sake of acting happy.
And it might take some time
To patch me up inside,
But I can't take it so I...
I run away and hide.
But in the end I'll find
You were always right,
You were always right...
But it's not so bad.
You're only the best I ever had.
You don't want me back,
You're just the best I ever had.
You're just the best I ever had...
When the song finally finished, I cried my eyes out, and the bartender came over to wrap her arm around my shoulders. "It's alright, hon," she said, her lips curving upward in a slight smile. Sadness had spread into me, but I still felt a warmth coming from her. "My name's Tina...I'll always be here if you need to chat, okay?" Nodding, I looked down at the chipped table and drank the rest of the drink in one shot. It burned my throat, but it distracted me from the tears burning in my eyes.
The radio had been turned down immediately when the song ended, so that I couldn't hear it anymore, but it sounded like the station had been changed. Standing up, I left and walked down the street. The school should be empty by now, so there was nothing to worry about. I went there and climbed up onto the roof, letting my hair down from its ponytail and feeling the breezes ruffle through it. Finally free, it was very thick, and brought out the sapphire shade of my eyes.
Before I could run, I heard a sound on the roof. "What do you want?" I demanded, and turned to face Shuiichi. "Why come all the way up here?"
"It's not that difficult," he said, looking at my eyes. Though he was trying to be a gentleman, I could see that he wanted me.
"Well, I thought this place would be a little more private," I said, and glared at him scathingly. I turned around, trying to hide the remnants of tears from this afternoon.
"Are you sure you don't want to talk?" he asked, offering me his hand. That was growing to be a tiresome gesture.
"Already tried it," I said. "It didn't work. You're not him, anyway." When I tried to leave, he stepped in front of me, quite agile for such a bookworm.
"Just hear me out," he said, as if that was an order, not a request.
"I'm listening," I replied irritable, tapping one toe on the roof.
"You can't run away from everything, Katie. Please...just let me help you."
With a low growl of irritation, I leaped off the roof and ran away, thinking that he wouldn't know I could make such a jump. When I was almost out of eyeshot, I looked back to see him turn away in dismay and walk into the horizon. Swifter than I had ever thought I could be, I ran to that forest again, and stood on the cliff that overlooked the lake. It was gorgeous, that was the only thing that words could tell of it. One had to see the crystalline surface, so pure. They had to breathe in the clean air hinted with the lovely scent of the forest.
I smiled and took off my clothes, leaping into the water with a giant swan dive. It was so cold, and I didn't think it would even be possible, what with the warm weather. Frozen in it, I dove under, and that was when everything began to swirl and form into images that weren't entirely unfamiliar to me...
A/N: Surprise! A cliffie, for all you fans who are always dying for the next chapter. Thanks to 4-is-lovely and Sonya-White-Angel, who have been with me since I started this story pretty much. I can't wait to get going on chapter 9, but school may be intervening a little, thus allowing me to only type on weekends or really late at night. Hopefully, I can finish this out, but I still have quite a bit left before the end...
Hope you enjoyed this chappie!
Miari
P.S.-The song used for the songfic portion of this chapter was not written by me. It's Gary Allan's song called "Best I Ever Had" and it's dedicated to his wife, who committed suicide a little less than a year ago. It just seemed to fit so well, even though Kurama's death did not involve suicide.