Elladan collapsed on the floor as soon as they entered the apartment. "I'm
going insane," he announced.
"And just think: it's only just begun," Elrohir reminded him.
"Don't tell me that," Elladan groaned. "Think optimistically. Maybe it won't spread anymore."
Elrohir gave his brother a skeptical look, but the phone rang before he could say anything. "Hello?" he said, after picking it up. There was brief pause, during which a smirk spread across the younger twin's face. "Haldir! How are you? How's Guatemala?"
Elladan immediately perked up, flipping on the speakerphone. "Having fun?"
The could practically feel his icy glare.
"Did you know," Haldir asked, "That not only is there no office here, Celeborn had me dumped off on the side of some fuck-forsaken road with no lodging, no food, and no money. And I don't speak Guatemalan."
"Uh, Haldir? Guatemalan isn't a language," Elladan informed him. "They speak Spanish."
"Not here they don't," Haldir insisted. "They speak a language all their own." There were some loud noises in the background. "No, you fuckmoot. I don't want your bloody goat. No. Fuck off. You've got mud in my hair."
Elladan and Elrohir resisted the urge to burst out laughing.
"Haldir, where exactly are you?" Elrohir asked.
"Elbereth knows. All I can say is that there are goats. Lots of goats." He sighed heavily. "You have to convince Celeborn to let me come back. I'm going mad."
"We can try, but he was pretty pissed. Don't get your hopes up."
"How are things there?" Haldir inquired.
"Gone straight to hell," Elrohir answered.
"What's happened?"
"Well it all started when we found Legolas crying over Aragorn."
"You're kidding."
"Nope. He'd suddenly remembered how very p-p-pretty he was." Elladan did a very good job of imitating pitiful Legolas.
"By the Valar..."
"Oh it gets better. Aragorn suddenly showed up."
"What? How?"
"Don't know. But Legolas nearly raped him multiple times before he finally realized their feelings were mutual and they disappeared."
"What evil is behind all this?" Haldir questioned.
"Fanfiction," Elladan announced gloomily.
"And you've been officially replaced as office whore."
"What?" There was a slight note of urgency in Haldir's voice.
"Thranduil's been prancing around, acting like a sex kitten and sleeping with next to everyone."
"But not with my Celeborn, right?" Haldir demanded impatiently.
Silence reigned as it registered exactly WHAT he'd just said.
"MY Celeborn?" the twins repeated in unison, sharing a glance.
"Well, uh, you know..." Haldir stuttered. "Oh, come on. Look at him. He's gorgeous. Is that my fault?"
"Blonds again," Elladan muttered.
"You mean to tell me," Haldir continued, "That for all your making fun of him, you've never wondered why he's called Teleporno?"
"No," Elrohir said decidedly.
"You mean you've never-"
"No," Elladan repeated, not especially wanting to hear the end of that statement.
"Well- would you kindly remove your goat as it is currently humping my leg- you don't know what you're missing. I'm getting out of here before these goats decide my clothing is food. At least TRY to convince Celeborn to bring me back, please?"
"Yes."
"Of course."
"How utterly convincing," Haldir muttered dryly.
They had only just hung up when a loud pounding came at the door and Celeborn burst in without bothering to wait for an answer.
"I need you to get Haldir back here immediately," he ordered, sounding panicked.
"But we don't know where he is, outside of Guatemala," Elrohir protested.
"I don't care! Get him back here. Something's... come up."
As soon as he'd left, Elladan collapsed on the floor again, whimpering at the thought of horrific sexual innuendos to come.
"And just think: it's only just begun," Elrohir reminded him.
"Don't tell me that," Elladan groaned. "Think optimistically. Maybe it won't spread anymore."
Elrohir gave his brother a skeptical look, but the phone rang before he could say anything. "Hello?" he said, after picking it up. There was brief pause, during which a smirk spread across the younger twin's face. "Haldir! How are you? How's Guatemala?"
Elladan immediately perked up, flipping on the speakerphone. "Having fun?"
The could practically feel his icy glare.
"Did you know," Haldir asked, "That not only is there no office here, Celeborn had me dumped off on the side of some fuck-forsaken road with no lodging, no food, and no money. And I don't speak Guatemalan."
"Uh, Haldir? Guatemalan isn't a language," Elladan informed him. "They speak Spanish."
"Not here they don't," Haldir insisted. "They speak a language all their own." There were some loud noises in the background. "No, you fuckmoot. I don't want your bloody goat. No. Fuck off. You've got mud in my hair."
Elladan and Elrohir resisted the urge to burst out laughing.
"Haldir, where exactly are you?" Elrohir asked.
"Elbereth knows. All I can say is that there are goats. Lots of goats." He sighed heavily. "You have to convince Celeborn to let me come back. I'm going mad."
"We can try, but he was pretty pissed. Don't get your hopes up."
"How are things there?" Haldir inquired.
"Gone straight to hell," Elrohir answered.
"What's happened?"
"Well it all started when we found Legolas crying over Aragorn."
"You're kidding."
"Nope. He'd suddenly remembered how very p-p-pretty he was." Elladan did a very good job of imitating pitiful Legolas.
"By the Valar..."
"Oh it gets better. Aragorn suddenly showed up."
"What? How?"
"Don't know. But Legolas nearly raped him multiple times before he finally realized their feelings were mutual and they disappeared."
"What evil is behind all this?" Haldir questioned.
"Fanfiction," Elladan announced gloomily.
"And you've been officially replaced as office whore."
"What?" There was a slight note of urgency in Haldir's voice.
"Thranduil's been prancing around, acting like a sex kitten and sleeping with next to everyone."
"But not with my Celeborn, right?" Haldir demanded impatiently.
Silence reigned as it registered exactly WHAT he'd just said.
"MY Celeborn?" the twins repeated in unison, sharing a glance.
"Well, uh, you know..." Haldir stuttered. "Oh, come on. Look at him. He's gorgeous. Is that my fault?"
"Blonds again," Elladan muttered.
"You mean to tell me," Haldir continued, "That for all your making fun of him, you've never wondered why he's called Teleporno?"
"No," Elrohir said decidedly.
"You mean you've never-"
"No," Elladan repeated, not especially wanting to hear the end of that statement.
"Well- would you kindly remove your goat as it is currently humping my leg- you don't know what you're missing. I'm getting out of here before these goats decide my clothing is food. At least TRY to convince Celeborn to bring me back, please?"
"Yes."
"Of course."
"How utterly convincing," Haldir muttered dryly.
They had only just hung up when a loud pounding came at the door and Celeborn burst in without bothering to wait for an answer.
"I need you to get Haldir back here immediately," he ordered, sounding panicked.
"But we don't know where he is, outside of Guatemala," Elrohir protested.
"I don't care! Get him back here. Something's... come up."
As soon as he'd left, Elladan collapsed on the floor again, whimpering at the thought of horrific sexual innuendos to come.