A/N: I don't know where the Owners Manual fiction originated but I know I didn't create it. I'm hoping to do a few more manuals to include the Gerard Butler and Andrew Lloyd Webber stage versions. If time and authors permit, I might do certain versions of phanphic ERIKs too. Expect possible touch ups to this chapter and the others as new ideas pop up in my head.
Also, it came to my attention that another author has already written an ERIK GUIDE but I haven't read it yet so any comparisons between the two are purely coincidental. I beg MetaChi's pardon and hope she can forgive me.
Owners Manual for Erik
(Original Edition Leroux Erik)
Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of a LEROUX!ERIK! It is imperative to your health that you carefully examine the following directives. Leroux Inc. will take no responsibility for the dire consequences that will inevitably follow should you fail to read and adhere to the following pages of this manual. Have a nice day. :)
Technical Details:
Name: LEROUX!ERIK/The Phantom of the Opera/Angel of Music/ "monster"
Type: (Vaguely) Human Male
Date of Manufacture: Unknown (Early 1800s)
Height: Specifics unknown-Tall
Weight: Specifics unknown-About that of a corpse
Model: LEROUX
Accessories:
a. Punjab lasso
b. Full mask
c. Don Juan Triumphant
d. Organ
e. Red Death Masquerade Costume
f. Scorpion and Grasshopper keys
Installation:
Your LEROUX!ERIK should come fully assembled with the LEROUX stamp of approval to let you know that this is indeed the original Erik. We'll let you find out on your own where that is. :- Just make sure your model is not powered up yet when you check. WARNING: Your LEROUX!ERIK model's stamp will never be under his mask so do not attempt to remove it at any time even while your model is powered down. Stranger things have happened then seemingly shut down models suddenly Punjabbing their new owners. The birth of the Olsen twins, for instance.
Before powering up your LEROUX!ERIK model please confirm that you have a comfortable place for him to live. Your LEROUX!ERIK model was built with a special instability drive which renders him mentally unstable and prone to weeping if he is taken out of his comfort zone. He thrives in dark, damp, isolated places. So pretty much anywhere mold can grow your LEROUX!ERIK model can grow too.
Operating Procedure:
Your LEROUX!ERIK has been designed to perform a number of useful tasks. He understands most any spoken language though he's not particularly designed to follow any directives you might give him.
WARNING: Your LEROUX!ERIK model, as mentioned above, is fitted with an original edition instability drive. When in operation, the instability drive causes inconsolable weeping and/or sudden homicidal tendencies. Sometimes, if you're lucky, the drive can cause frantic groping at your legs. In other words, your LEROUX!ERIK is officially batty.
As with the KAY!ERIK (and most other Eriks for that matter), it is imperative that when powering up your Erik you do so from a safe distance with at least one hand at the level of your eye. Since powering up the LEROUX!ERIK requires a physical action, it is suggested that you let someone you don't like do it for you just in case your LEROUX!ERIK was shipped in a bad mood.
Your LEROUX!ERIK can do just about anything he puts his mind to but he has been designed with eight main functions:
Musician: LEROUX!ERIK adores music and will often spend extended periods of time involved with it. He usually prefers to use item (d). WARNING: Never approach your LEROUX!ERIK from behind when item (d) is in use as a previous negative experience has conditioned him to strike at any looming form behind him.
Composer: Your LEROUX!ERIK is a genius composer and for best results, pair him up with item (c).
Singer: LEROUX!ERIK may not know it but he is infamous for the power of his voice which is capable of commanding and manipulating most people. Generally it can be safely assumed that his voice is harmless as long as you're on good terms with him. However, if you start experiencing memory blanks or a sudden inexplicable attraction seek help immediately. Or invest in some really sturdy earplugs.
Assassin: It is assumed that your LEROUX!ERIK is an expert assassin given the sheer number of people he's sent to their grave. Assumed because, curiously, anyone who has experienced this particular function found himself or herself unable to give us a proper review being quite dead. He definitely gets the job done, though, and seems to work best with item (a).
Architect: Your LEROUX!ERIK is an adept architect, having once built for the Shah of Persia. His impressive résumé also includes various hidden features in the Paris Opera house. He builds one mean torture chamber-just ask Joseph Buquet.
Magician/Entertainer: LEROUX!ERIK is a master of trickery and deception. He's an accomplished ventriloquist and does a great lethal grasshopper impression.
Ghost: Having a variety of skills including ventriloquism coupled with a childish sense of mischief make LEROUX!ERIK a wonderful addition to any home in need of a good ghost. Just install a few hidden passageways, screw your chandeliers in extra tight, and you'll have a haunted house anyone would be jealous of.
One-Man Demolition Team: Due to his inexplicable tendency to horde large amounts of explosives (usually in the basement) your LEROUX!ERIK makes a fine demolition team. So if you have any building that needs to be taken down your model should be happy to oblige you-especially if he's pressured about his possessions.
Interaction With Other Models:
Your LEROUX!ERIK has been installed with 6 modes of interaction. They are:
Childish Glee!
Furious/Homicidal!
Lovesick!
Crazy As All Heck!
Angel/Stalker!
Beaten Cur!
Your LEROUX!ERIK was created to naturally assume the mode of Childish Glee! and it is recommended that you keep him in that mode since the occasional harmless prank is worth all the money and safety pins you may lose in the world. Allowing your LEROUX!ERIK free reign of your house and humoring his wishes (usually made known by carefully placed letters) will more often than not give him immense pleasure and spare you the trouble of dying.
On the other hand, be warned that the introduction of a CHRISTINE DAAE model will send your LEROUX!ERIK into a sequence of preprogrammed and irreversible action modes. This sequence is as follows:
Lovesick! >>
Angel/Stalker! >>
Furious/Homicidal!>>
Crazy As All Heck! >>
Beaten Cur/>
This series will no doubt cause innumerable causalities and is actually also a self-destruction mode for your Erik. Allowing your Erik to assume this sequence assures his eventual death and probably yours as well. Because of this, it is highly recommended that you keep all CHRISTINE DAAE models well out of your LEROUX!ERIK model's sight, smell, taste, etc.
However, if you are the adventurous type and corpses are your kink, then you are welcome to attempt to switch your LEROUX!ERIK into Lovesick! mode while you are in the room. Being young, beautiful, and a soprano will encourage the Lovesick! mode but there have been reports of successful owners who claim to have become successful Lovesick! mode triggers. Unfortunately, due to the nature of the LEROUX!ERIK, no further reports past the Angel/Stalker! mode have been recorded. We at Leroux Inc. have come to the conclusion that the cause is related to the particular tendency of these "triggers" to either disappear forever or end up hanging from the ceiling of their local supermarket.
Your LEROUX!ERIK is an unsocial creature by nature but he does get along with a few other models. The phrase "get along" being termed quite loosely here.
For the most part, your LEROUX!ERIK should come to benignly accept most MADAME GIRY models, especially the LEROUX!MDMGIRY. LEROUX!ERIK will also take a liking to the PERSIAN model. For you English fans, this is the French version of the NADIR model. LEROUX!ERIK is generally not compatible with either the RAOUL or CARLOTTA models should contact between them should be avoided at all costs.
FAQ:
Q: My LEROUX!ERIK arrived and he's dead! I'm suing for my money back!
A: He is NOT dead. That's what he's supposed to look and smell like. I hope you didn't call him dead to his face-you might want to consider evasive maneuvers if you did like RIGHT NOW!
Q: My LEROUX!ERIK seems to want to play a game with item (f): Which should I chose, the grasshopper or the scorpion?
A: You're not by any chance a CHRISTINE model, are you? If you value your skin and anyone else's within about a mile radius, turn the scorpion. If you dislike the idea of waking up to that face every morning…well, do us all a favor and still chose the scorpion.
Q: Perpetual eveningwear, as charming as it is, just isn't my thing. Can I change my LEROUX!ERIK's clothing?
A: Firstly: Hello, my name is Usorokoaemo. You're the first person I've ever met that has any complaints about Erik's impeccable wardrobe. I mean, who doesn't like a good cape and mask every now and then? But I digress.
There is really no way to pimp your LEROUX!ERIK model's wardrobe short of stealing and burning all of his clothing. This isn't recommended, by the way, as most LEROUX!ERIK models haven't shown a tendency to run about completely naked. (But it'd be horrendously amusing until he kills you.)
Troubleshooting:
Problem: My LEROUX!ERIK believes he is a lightening rod.
Answer: It appears that some of the LEROUX!ERIK models have picked up this unique quirk from their days haunting secret lovers from the rooftops of Paris Opera Houses. Generally this behavior can be avoided if you mange your LEROUX!ERIK's modes by staying away from Lovesick! and Angel/Stalker. If you are unable to disables these modes then, hey, free lightening rod!
Problem: My Erik is pretty much how you've described him: a composer, rather old, introverted, and definitely scary to look upon. However, he's also suddenly become a little infatuated with money and has mentioned breaking in on the movie business.
Answer: How in the world did Andrew Lloyd Webber end up in one of our shipping packages? Goodness, send him back and we'll replace him with an actual model immediately. Our apologies!
Problem: My LEROUX!ERIK hates me. It is insufferable!
Answer: I'm afraid that there isn't much you can do about this. In any case, you must have done something to deserve it, you idiot. Just keep your hand at the level of your eyes and watch yourself whenever you walk under any large light fixtures. If you hear something beguiling singing in your bathtub you should try showering instead. Even so, your efforts are probably in vain.
Problem: My LEROUX!ERIK loves me. It is insufferable!
Answer: See above answer for the most part. Why are you complaining? You must be especially beautiful and talented, you ungrateful wretch!