After a while we left the pool hall and were walking to Record Mania because Jake was
looking for Tasha's birthday present.
"I still think you should get her something else. A CD is boring." Steven said.
"You're one to talk. That's all you ever give Sara." Matt said.
"Ya, but not boring CD's. Jake wants to give Tasha a Mandy Moore CD." Steven defended himself.
"Whatever. It's still a CD." Matt said.
"What's so boring about a Mandy Moore CD anyway?" Jake asked.
"Hello...most of it is too slow." Matt said.
"Guys, quit it already! It's just at CD." I said.
"Besides I happen to know that Tash likes Mandy Moore." Jake said.
"OK. If you say so." Matt said.
"If it were you wouldn't you buy Kate something she liked?" I asked.
"Yes...but not a CD." Matt replied.
"It's just a CD. People get CD's as presents all the time." I said.
"Landon is right. Who really cares if it's a CD as long as Tasha likes it?" Jake asked.
"OK, ok, ok. Get her the CD for all I care." Matt said.
So Jake, Matt, Steven and I walked into Record Mania and Jake headed straight to where the Mandy Moore CD's were. I wasn't really paying that much attention to the picture on the CD but as we followed Jake to the checkout I took a look at the CD he had picked out. The very first thing I noticed was the resemblance between Mandy and Jamie. The singer looks just like Jamie did. As soon as I looked at the CD memories began to invade my mind. Our wedding, the summer we had together, Jamie's death, finding out Jamie was sick, asking my dad for help, all those things that happened with us and after I found out about Jamie being sick. She told me she was dying but I never believed it until she died. I had always thought that God would make her better. That He would do a miracle and that Jamie would live to be very old. I remember exactly what I told Jamie when she first told me she was sick. I said: You - You're 18. You're perfect. Even though I knew that not even my beloved Jamie was perfect. Jamie's death was the worst thing that ever happened to me. Worse then my dad leaving, Jamie's death hurt a lot. It still hurts every time I think about her. Which is always. Jamie is always on my mind. There is never a day that goes by that I don't think of her.
"Hey, Landon! Come back to earth." Jake said snapping me out of my Jamie Land.
"What?" I snapped.
"Whoa! OK. Just don't go biting my head off. You were in your own little world or something and I thought I'd let you know that we're done here." Jake said.
"Oh, OK. Sorry, Jake." I said.
'And you don't know how true that is.' I thought.
"That's OK. What were you thinking about anyway, dude?" Jake asked.
"Oh, nothing." I lied because I couldn't tell him, Matt or Steven the truth without telling them the whole story about Jamie.
"Looked like something, man." Matt said.
"She died too young." I muttered without knowing it because I was still thinking about Jamie.
No one really heard me and if they did they didn't mention it. We walked back to the pool hall where Jake's jeep was parked and all headed home.
About two days later I ran into Jake at the med school while I was getting my courses figured out. Jake was with Tasha who was also going to be attending med school with us.
"Hey." Jake said.
"Hey." I said back not too enthusiastically.
"What's up, man? You've been non-existent the last two days. What's up with that?" Jake asked.
"Nothing. Just don't want to go out." I replied.
"You sure that's it?" Jake asked, "The other day at Record Mania when we were leaving you were kind of out of it."
"I was just thinking." I replied.
"Care to say what you were thinking about?" Jake asked.
'I can't tell you. You'd have a million questions and I can't even talk about it.' I thought.
"Just stuff." I replied.
"You know you could tell me. That's what buddies are for." Jake said.
'If I told you I'd have to tell Matt and Steven too. But I can't. I don't have the words or the strength.' I thought.
"I can't tell you, Jake. No matter how much I want to." I said, "It hurts too much."
"OK. I promise this is the last time I'll bring it up." Jake said before him and Tasha left.
That night I was hanging out with the guys again but this time Tasha, Kate and Sara were there too so it was awkward. We were walking by Record Mania and the display in the window for the new Mandy Moore CD and I just had to look in the direction of the window. Ever since Jake had bought Tasha the CD two days ago images of the resemblance to Jamie invaded my mind. Then memories of Jamie and then images of Jamie herself.
"Hey, you OK, Carter?" Matt asked.
"Yah, I'm fine." I replied not really paying attention.
I was looking at the Mandy Moore display. She looked so much like my Jamie that I was bombarded by memories and flashbacks. It was overwhelming and I knew the guys and their girls were wondering what was up with me. I could tell because I stopped looking at the display for a second to try and clear my head and saw the clueless looks on all their faces. I had just been attacked by another memory of the summer with Jamie.
It was a late summer evening and Jamie and I were sitting outside watching the sunset. Jamie turned to me and all I could think about was how beautiful she looked even as sick as she was with leukemia. It was something I was having a very hard time living with but I knew that she would leave soon. I just didn't know how soon.
"Landon, I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow morning." Jamie said, "My father is coming with me but I want to know if you will too."
"Jamie, you know you don't have to ask…of course I'll come." I replied.
"Good." Jamie said. "What do you want to do after that?" I asked. "Go to the beach with everyone." Jamie said, "I know Dr. Crahn said I had to stay out of the sun and I will but I know I'm getting worse and tomorrow may be the last time I go to the beach."
"We can do that." I said knowing it's what she really wanted and that no matter how much I tried to deny it she was right.
Jamie was sick and getting worse every minute it seemed. I wasn't entirely sure the beach thing was good idea but I love Jamie too much to say no. I knew her father wouldn't agree but he would've also let her because we both knew that her time on earth was getting shorter by the days.
The next day we headed to Dr. Crahn's office and Reverend Sullivan and I waited in the waiting room while she did some test on Jamie. It was regulation every time Jamie came in. The same tests...the same results. About the fifth time, I started wondering why they even did the tests when we already knew Jamie's prognosis. She would die. Maybe not today but she would eventually die. The doctor's went by fast and then we headed to the beach. Since Dean, Tracey, Belinda and Mark weren't around, only Reverend Sullivan, Jamie, Eric, my mom and myself went to the beach. My dad would've come but at the last minute he was called to the hospital. He told me he would try to come to dinner later that day. I knew it wouldn't be his fault if he didn't come to dinner. He was a cardiologist. They can very busy sometimes. Today was just a busy day for my father. All of us who made it to the beach were having a blast. Jamie didn't swim because of the sun and I didn't really feel like swimming so I hung with her under the sun blocker we put up. That was the best day of that entire summer. The next day Jamie couldn't even get out of bed. The very worst of it had started. Jamie would die and my life as I knew it would be over.
"Hey, Landon. Snap out of it." Jake called as the group started to leave the sidewalk by Record Mania.
"Are you sure nothing is bugging you?" Matt asked.
"I'm fine." I replied defensively.
There was no way whatsoever that they could drag the truth out of me. I wasn't ready for them to know. Four years later and I still can't deal with it. Telling them the truth would just make it harder. Way harder then it should be. These guys are my friends. I should be able to tell them about Jamie. But the sad truth is that I can't. I haven't really even tried so maybe I would be able to if I actually tried but I don't think I can.
I am going to finish reformatiing this today probably...if I don't I'll finish it sometime tomorrow. If I don't get to it tomorrow I'll definetly get to it on Wendsday.