THE HITCHHIKER'S E-MAIL FAN FICTION STORY THAT NEEDS A BETTER TITLE

By the Ol' Janx Spiriteers

Authors' Notes: We know that the Internet and e-mail didn't exist as of the time of the first book, but for the sake of this fic, just imagine it did.

The 'at' symbols in e-mail don't display on fanfic(.)net, so instead we're using '(at)' and '(.)'. Sorry for the inconvenience.

Chapter One

From - admin(at)tealovers(.)org
To - arthur(.)dent(at)bbc(.)co(.)uk
Subject: Welcome to TeaLovers(.)Org!

Dear Honoured Member,

We are pleased to inform you that your registration at our society has been a success. To access your account at our website, just enter the following into the login box:

User ID: arthurpdent
Password: tnedpruhtra

Welcome to TeaLovers(.)Org! We hope for your active participation in future as we try to help you further develop your love for tea, and to socialise and interact with others that share a similar appreciation for this wonderful concoction: tea.

- Admin

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From - default(at)allyouneedisbeer(.)com
To - arthur(.)dent(at)bbc(.)co(.)uk
CC - feedback(at)ford(.)com
Subject: Hi.

My dearest Arthur, my best friend, my greatest pal in times of need who will never desert me,

Got cash? I'm in a spot of financial difficulty at present, and would greatly appreciate your kind and generous donation to the Save Ford Prefect Fund (SFPF).

Thank you.

Your very, very, very best friend,
Ford Prefect

P.S. A meal would be nice.
P.P.S. And a place to stay.
P.P.P.S. I am currently residing in an open cardboard box, so an umbrella might also come in useful if it rains.

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From - admin(at)library42(.)com
To - default(at)allyouneedisbeer(.)com
Subject: Overdue books

Mr. Prefect,

We regret to inform you that you have outstanding transitions at our library. The books being:

1) Dinner Saucers and Other UFOs
2) Close Encounters of the Alien Kind
3) I Believe
4) We Are Not Alone
5) Unraveling the Mysteries of the Universe
6) Unsolved Mysteries of the Other Kind
7) Space Cookies and Other Childrens' Delights

We would highly appreciate it if you return the books as soon as possible. A fine of 46.92 pounds has been imposed, and the longer you take, the more you have to pay.

This is our third and final warning. Please clear your fine or face legal consequences.

Yours sincerely,
Library42 Admin

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From - arthur(.)dent(at)bbc(.)co(.)uk
To - default(at)allyouneedisbeer(.)com
Subject: Not again

Dear Ford,

I am really, really glad to hear that you are once more earning your keep by being a shameless cad.

Just this once.

Remember the bar outside my house? Meet me there tomorrow at seven in the evening.

Yours in annoyance,
Arthur

P.S. I have an old umbrella to spare. You can have it if you want, if you don't mind dotted purple stripes on a neon green background.

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From - feedback(at)ford(.)com
To - default(at)allyouneedisbeer(.)com
Subject: Your feedback has been received!

Dear Customer,

Thank you for your insightful feedback! We appreciate your interest in helping us serve you better.

Sincerely,
The Ford Motor Company

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From - default(at)allyouneedisbeer(.)com
To - feedback(at)ford(.)com
Subject: Re: Your feedback has been received!

SO WHERE'S THE MONEY?

Angrily,
Ford Prefect (who feels cheated and betrayed)

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From - default(at)allyouneedisbeer(.)com
To - arthur(.)dent(at)bbc(.)co(.)uk
Subject: Re: Not again

Dearest Arthur,

I've always know you'd never let me down. I am eternally in debt to you and your kin.

I think.

I'll be at the pub at seven to meet you. I love that place. It has great beer.

- Ford

P.S. I don't mind dotted purple stripes on neon green.

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From - feedback(at)ford(.)com
To - default(at)allyouneedisbeer(.)com
Subject: Your feedback has been received!

Dear Customer,

Thank you for your insightful feedback! We appreciate your interest in helping us serve you better.

Sincerely,
The Ford Motor Company

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From - default(at)allyouneedisbeer(.)com
To - arthur(.)dent(at)bbc(.)co(.)uk
Subject: HEY BUDDY!!

ARTHUR!!!!!!!!11

I thnk of stuf especialy when I think of stff such as nudity! Nudiity is goodfor stiff back in ned of loosentng up becuse it loosens up backs with sooup. I like to drink suop and soapy spionges in winter. And beer.

ARTHUR!!!!!!!!111 YOU MY BUDDY FOREVER!!!!!11

afdls;fasdjlk

FODD

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From - arthur(.)dent(at)bbc(.)co(.)uk
To - default(at)allyouneedisbeer(.)com
Subject: Re: HEY BUDDY!!

Dear FODD,

Have you been at the beer barrel again?

It just makes me wonder... How in the world did you get the money?!

I don't know why I put up with you.

- Arthur

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From - default(at)allyouneedisbeer(.)com
To - arthur(.)dent(at)bbc(.)co(.)uk
Subject: Re: Re: HEY BUDDY!!

Huh?

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From - default(at)allyouneedisbeer(.)com
To - arthur(.)dent(at)bbc(.)co(.)uk
Subject: Re: Re: HEY BUDDY!!

Not huh. I need more money. Please? You won't deny your best friend some money to pay his library fines, would you? Would you?

- Ford

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From - arthur(.)dent(at)bbc(.)co(.)uk
To - default(at)allyouneedisbeer(.)com
Subject: Re: Re: Re: HEY BUDDY!!

JUST THIS ONCE. Only because I know what your library fines are like. But you're not buying any more beer with the cash. Meet me at the Alcoholics Anonymouse building near my house.

I don't know why I'm doing this.

- Arthur

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From - admin(at)wearenotalone(.)net
To - default(at)allyouneedisbeer(.)com
Subject: Your subscription has been a success!
Attachment: SpaceWatch Issue #2

Dear Mr. Your Name Here,

We are pleased to inform you that your subscription has been a success. To access your online account at our website, , your details are as following:

User ID: getmeoff
Password: thisblastedplanet

We hope you will participate actively in our forums and share any information of the alien kind you have with others who believe that we are not alone in this universe. Attached is your first issue of the SpaceWatch online newsletter, this month's highlight being Mr. Woncester of Kidneypool's fourth encounter with the little green men. We hope you will be able to strengthen your belief through his story.

Mr. Thereis
Webmaster

SPACEWATCH: Keeping an eye on the skies
A newletter by
Volume 4, Issue 2

THEY'RE BACK!

You all probably remember Matthew Woncester and his previous three encounters with little green men. The first time, they robbed him of his entire toilet roll collection. The second time, they fried his pet ant, Lucy, with their ray guns. The third time, they adjusted his television set to only show reruns of the local soap drama, 'Why the Sod Me?'.

Now, they're back again, Mr. Woncester claims.

"They set a whole lot of lizards loose in my house!" Woncester was reported as saying over the telephone. "These few days, I can't go anywhere without a lizard landing on my head. It's horrible, I tell you! Absolutely horrible! What the sod do these aliens have against me?"

SpaceWatch visited Mr. Woncester's house to observe the paranormal going on, but our team unfortunately met their demise after being run over by several giant monitor lizards. A second team was sent in, where they found a whole lot of giant monitor lizards but no Mr. Woncester. Any information regarding his whereabouts would be appreciated.

CORRECTION

SpaceWatch is sorry to report that the giant humanoid alien nicknamed 'Fifi' that was featured in Volume 3, Issue 9 is in reality a fraud. It appears that we have found the Editor's longlost brother, abducted by aliens as reported in Volume 1, Issue 1 of SpaceWatch.

MY FLIP-FLOP IS AN ALIEN!

It is the same every first of April. One of Zoke Parker's flip-flops morphs into an alien lifeform, boards a dinner saucer, and escapes into outerspace to join the rest of its family for a week on the planet Narthien. The other flip-flop stays behind to keep her company.

Zoke had bought the flip-flops at an old, rundown shop, which does not seem to exist any more.

"They were cheap, and they looked good on me," Zoke explained. "I don't really mind that they are aliens, and it's kind of cool to have flip-flops that are alive. They really care about me, too. They're always good to me. I've had them for seven years, and we've become good friends."

SpaceWatch would like to wish Zoke and her flip-flops many more years of happy friendship, thus adding yet another example to the evidence that humans and aliens can get along.

Have a story of an alien encounter? Tell it to Spacewatch! Just e-mail us at , and you will see your story published in our next issue.

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TO BE CONTINUED... Review! Thanks.

- The Ol' Janx Spiriteers