"Elladan?"

He could hear the voice vaguely, but didn't want to listen. He was finally getting some sleep, after about three days. Besides, he wasn't even Elladan. He tried to tell the speaker this through his sleep, but it came out sounding like, "Innadan."

Apparently the speaker understood though, because the next thing he heard was, "Elrohir?" While this was, admittedly him, he still didn't want to wake up. But then the speaker began shaking his shoulder, and he had no choice.

Sleepily Elrohir squinted up to see Éowyn. "Whaa?" he questioned incoherently.

"Elrohir, I'm worried."

He stared at her a moment, and then flopped back down on the table. "Go tell Haldir."

"He's not here."

Oh, right. He and Celeborn had left for the Caribbean the night before. Bugger. "Elladan then."

"He's busy. He's closed up in his apartment."

"What?" Elrohir's head shot up.

"It's Faramir. All he'll talk about is 'Nam." She paused. "What's 'Nam?"

Elrohir waved a hand impatiently. "Not that. What did you say about Elladan?"

"He's closed up in his apartment."

"Doing what?"

Éowyn shrugged. "When I knocked said to sod off, he was right in the middle of something."

Elrohir got to his feet. "Fuck." He knew what that meant. Elladan was right in the middle of shagging someone. "Fuck," he said again, as he walked down the hall. If his twin was stuck in there with Glorfindel or somebody else just as bad, he'd kill him, shared womb be damned.

He shoved open the door to the apartment and knocked on Elladan´s bedroom door. "'Dan, open the fuck up!" he yelled.

The door opened a crack. "What?" Elladan hissed, looking annoyed as hell.

Elrohir lowered his voice as well. "Who the fuck is in there with you?"

The corners of Elladan´s mouth twitched a little, and he pulled back the door a little more, enough for Elrohir to catch sight of a red head lying under the covers, pouting at him impatiently. Although she did start to perk up slightly when she noticed they were identical twins. Elrohir found himself grinning back at Elladan, and then they both laughed.

"Alright?" Elladan asked.

Elrohir nodded and turned away as Elladan shut the door again. Éowyn was waiting at the door. "It's okay," he assured her. "It's a girl."

Éowyn looked confused. "What?"

"He's sleeping with a girl," Elrohir repeated.

"That's wonderful, but what about Faramir?"

Elrohir sighed, but figured he was already awake. "Alright, what's your trouble?"

"All he talks about is 'Nam. 'Nam this, 'Nam that… I don't even know what 'Nam is."

Elrohir frowned. "But he wasn't here for 'Nam."

"And he and Boromir won't stop arguing. Boromir keeps going on about how war is wrong. Boromir! The great warrior. And he's dressing and speaking in the oddest manner."

Elrohir sighed again. "A hippie and a 'Nam vet. Sure, why not?"

"I haven't a clue what you're talking about. But would you please help me get them back to normal?"

Elrohir looked at her. "Sweetheart, there's no normal here." But he followed her anyway.

When they found them, Boromir and Faramir were standing in the middle of the hall, arguing. Boromir was wearing a tie-dyed muumuu, and spherical sunglasses. Elrohir was wondering where in hell he'd gotten them. Then he looked more closely at Faramir, who was limping. What happened to your leg?"

"Old war injury. It always acts up when it snows."

Elrohir glanced out the window. "It's sunny."

"Okay, so it's not snowing yet."

"It's 32 degrees out!"

"Are you going to argue with a war injury?"

Elrohir was still staring at him incredulously when Faramir started screaming.

"They're coming back! Go for cover men! Head for the foliage!" He dove behind the potted plant.

Boromir didn't move. "Hey man, chill out. There's nothing there."

"Really?" Faramir crawled out from his tree. "These hallucinations are getting worse. I need a drink."

"No, you don't!" Elrohir insisted rather loudly. He wasn't exactly sure what a drink would do to Faramir, but he was sure it couldn't make things any better.

"So what should I do?" Éowyn asked.

Elrohir looked from Faramir to Boromir, not really sure what to say. Finally he shrugged. "Keep him away from the alcohol and give him lots of sex," he answered, pointing to Faramir. His nose wrinkled, and he grabbed the joint from Boromir's hand. "And keep him away from the marijuana." He started down the hall.

"Where are you going?" Éowyn called after him.

"Insane!" he retorted.

Two days later the count was up. Merry had decided he was actually six feet tall; it was everyone else who was short. Pippin, on the other hand, was acting like a child of about three. Gimli had decided he wanted to be a Broadway star and begun cross-dressing. And Éowyn had turned into a dithering housewife, doting on Faramir´s every need. Which actually could have been worse, because they just ended up in their room shagging a lot.

Elladan and Elrohir were walking down the street, counting. "This brings our total of sane people up to… four," Elladan concluded.

They both stopped walking.

"That can't be right," Elrohir said, almost desperately. "There has to be more."

Elladan shook his head slowly. "No. There's you and me… and Éomer… and Frodo."

Elrohir frowned. "Count them again. Maybe we missed someone."

"Okay. Well, Gandalf just came back with Arwen, Boromir, Faramir, Éowyn, Éomer, Merry and Pippin. Merry and Pippin are a check on t he insane list. Gandalf's disappeared again. Éowyn's a housewife, Faramir's a 'Nam vet, and Boromir's a hippie. Arwen's in an obsessive catfight over Aragorn, who has definitely lost it. All the other elven 'realms' have become brothels on LSD. Legolas has become a mini version of his father, who while always weird was never quite like this. There's Haldir and Celeborn, Rúmil and Orophin, and Grandmother who is still functional, but shagging every female she can find. I'm not even going to start with what's happening with Naneth, Ada, and Glorfindel. And Galdor's gone back to Paris. Oh yeah, Sam's obsessed with Frodo, and there's Gimli the cross-dresser.

"Okay, well who's still functional?"

"Grandmother for sure. Haldir and Celeborn are fine as long as they're not in the same room together for too long. Éowyn might be if we could get her away from Faramir."

"Oh! What about Erestor?"

Elladan shook his head. "Naw. I don't know how normal he is, but he's too naïve to be much good."

"Did you see that?" Elrohir asked suddenly.

"What?"

"There." Elrohir pointed down an alley. "Hello?"

Lindir appeared in the dim light. "Oh, um, hello."

"What are you doing there?" Elladan asked suspiciously.

"Hiding."

"From who?"

"Well… your father actually. He tried to… consummate with me this morning."

"Wait," Elrohir said guardedly. "You're not into that?"

"Of course not!" Lindir answered, looking highly affronted that they would even suggest such a thing.

"Come on then," Elrohir yelled, grabbing his arm. "You're normal. We have to plan."

The twins all but forced Lindir back to the building.

Unfortunately, their joy was short lived.

Upon return, they found Éowyn standing in the hall, screaming at her brother who looked slightly terrified. Faramir was standing in the door, looking guilty. As they listened, they began to get a sense of why she was so angry. Evidently she had come in to find Éomer having a nice pleasant shag-with her husband.

"Oh god," Elladan muttered. "Not you, too."

"I can't help it!" Éomer protested. "I just… I need SEX!"

"I don't believe this," Elrohir announced, and walked away. Elladan and Lindir followed, leaving Éowyn, Éomer and Faramir to sort out their issues themselves.