Disclaimer: We don't own The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Douglas Noel Adams once did. Then he died. It probably doesn't mean anything good.
By the Ol' Janx Spiriteers
From - fortunes(.)for(.)sale@mysticseers(.)org
To - arthur.dent@bbc(.)co(.)uk
Subject: Unveil the mysteries of your Future!
Greetings, Mortal.
Have you ever wondered about what lies ahead in the darkness of your life?
Have you ever felt uncertain and lost, not knowing where your life would lead?
Have you ever experienced the fear of this helplessness in the hands of Fate?
Be prepared for your future!
Prevent those tragedies! Avoid those disasters! Escape those troubles!
Reply now to conquer your future for the simple price of 46.92!
mysticseers(.)org
xxxx
From - default@allyouneedisbeer(.)com
To - admin@hotbabesunlimited(.)com
Subject: I WANT A REFUND, NOW!
To whoever runs this sodding company:
I assumed from your website, hotbabesunlimited(.)com, that by registering and wasting precious amounts of my money, I would be receiving several pictures of scantily clad hot women. I repeat, women. I did not, however, expect to be sent a picture of several toddlers sweating in the sun.
I want a refund.
Ford.
xxxx
From - admin@thecoffeerules(.)com
To - everyone@tealovers(.)org
Subject: Break your addiction!
Tea.
Think about it. Just one word. T-E-A. How boring is that? And the drink itself - bland, watery, basically not nice.
Then, think about coffee. C-O-F-F-E-E. You are walking along the street one cool day when the rich aroma of brewing coffee wafts gently past your nose. Breathe it in... ah, refreshing, isn't it? Imagine holding a nice, hot mug of coffee in your hands one cold winter's day. You put the mug to your lips and the warm, creamy beverage flows into your mouth. Close your eyes and savour the sweetness on your tongue. Ahh...
Why tea, then? Why, why do you consume it? Why bother to make a cup of tea? Why keep drinking? Do you believe you're drinking for something, for more than what you absolutlely need? Can you tell us what it is, do you even know? Is it taste or thirst, perhaps sophistication - could it be for love? Illusions, tea lovers, vagaries of perception. Why, tea lovers, why, why do you persist?
We here at TheCoffeeRules(.)com think that there can be only one reason why you people continue to guzzle this tasteless liquid day after day.
It's called addiction. A-D-D-I-C-T-I-O-N.
Addiction is bad. B-A-D.
Break the tea habit.
Drink coffee.
Brought to you by TheCoffeeRules(.)com
xxxx
From - arthur.dent@bbc(.)co(.)uk
To - fortunes.for.sale@mysticseers(.)org
Subject: Frauds!
This is the fifth (and hopefully last) time I have received this message. I would certainly never ever fall for this divination crap, so I wish you would stop clogging up my mail.
xxxx
The following e-mail was contributed by HyperCaz:
xxxx
From - smithm@crc(.)com
To - default@allyouneedisbeer(.)com
Subject: fish business idea
Mr Prefect,
Unfortunately, the species of fish "Babel" does not exist in our research files. If you do manage to prove that such a fish exists, we would be happy to go into business with you.
Martin Smith
Croydon Research Centre
xxxx
From - fortunes.for.sale@mysticseers(.)org
To - arthur.dent@bbc(.)co(.)uk
Subject: A warning to all Skeptics
Greetings Mortal,
We have received your rather indignant message of ignorance and have thus included a special free trial to open your blind eyes to the power of the Future.
Open your narrow mind to the wonders of the mystic and you shall not regret it.
A harrowing scene before my eyes -
Deathrays streaking from the skies;
Fragments of land and earth and sea
Spinning across the galaxy.
Ears full of fish, a tiny book,
Poetry - I can't bear to look!
Panic in the dark and cold,
Salvation comes from hearts of gold.
What's this I see? A flash of light;
I sense a mid-galatic fight!
A whale - a pot of flowers too,
Who feel a bit of deja vu.
Underground tunnels, a butler sulks,
And sulks, and sulks, and sulks, and sulks.
Land, earth and sea have merged again
But now! the mice! they want your brain!
Two and four, four and two;
Six and nine make forty-two?
Sorry, kid, your life looks tough,
Or maybe you're a SciFi buff.
mysticseers(.)org
xxxx
From - admin@hotbabesunlimited(.)com
To - default@allyouneedisbeer(.)com
Subject: Re: I WANT A REFUND, NOW!
Dear Mr. Type Your Surname Here,
Our website offered you pictures of hot babes, and that was what you got. What you assumed is none of our business.
Thank you.
Admin, HotBabesUnlimited(.)com
xxxx
From - admin@tealovers(.)org
To - everyone@tealovers(.)com
Cc - admin@thecoffeerules(.)com
Subject: The Folly of Coffee
Dear members,
It has come to our attention that a certain defamatory message is being illegally spread throughout our eminent mailinglist. We are not worried and believe all our members to be firm in their devotion to the heavenly delight of Tea and that they will be, by no means, moved by such preposterous nonsense.
Rest assured that immediate legal actions will be taken against the prepetrators of this slander against our beloved beverage. In the meantime, let us refresh your love for the glorious drink that is tea through our summer catalogue: EterniTea Featuring a new selection of Fruit and Herbal concoctions.
Should you at any times be moved to stray from this love, please remember that Tea is the mild drink of sensitive souls and Coffee, the producer of hyperactive threats to the society.
Sincerely,
Admin@tealovers(.)org
xxxx
From - arthur.dent@bbc(.)co(.)uk
To - fortunes.for.sale@mysticseers(.)org
Subject: Leave me alone
You expect me to believe that nonsense? What do you take me for? An American?
xxxx
a/n: No ill intentions meant to all lovely U.S. citizens out there
xxxx
From - arthur.dent@bbc(.)co(.)uk
To - default@allyouneedisbeer(.)com, coffee.is.evil@tealovers(.)org,
Subject: Re: Questionnaire
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? This.
FULL NAME: Arthur Philip Dent
WHAT'S UP, DUDE? The ceiling.
WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? My Internet modem making humming sounds.
WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Zimbabwe. I was smuggled here on the back of a camel.
WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF? Cling wrap
WHO DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON? There was this girl I met once at a party in an Islington flat...
DO YOU LIKE YOURSELF? Not really.
YOUR GOOD FRIENDS: He occasionally refers to himself as 'FODD'.
WHAT IS UNDER YOUR BED? The floor
PERSONS IN YOUR FAMILY? My parents, most of my ancestors and sometimes, if the term 'persons' is loosely applied, my great uncle Jim.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE...
BEVERAGE? A nice, hot cup of tea.
SMELL? A nice, hot cup of tea.
HAVE YOU EVER...
DRANK? Yes. Water.
SMOKED? Yes. Salmon.
COME CLOSE TO DYING? From boredom. Yes. I was never very far from it.
DO YOU...
WET THE BED? !
COLLECT ANYTHING? Dust.
EAT A LIVE HAMSTER FOR A MILLION ? If you kill it and roast it first.
KILL SOMEONE YOU DIDN'T KNOW FOR 15 MILLION DOLLARS? Depends on what currency it is.
ANYONE OFFERED YOU A SMALL PART IN A MOVIE WOULD YOU ACCEPT? As long as it isn't some Star Wars alien that requires me sticking on 10 pounds of plasticine.
xxxx
From - default@allyouneedisbeer(.)com
To - arthur.dent@bbc(.)co(.)uk, purplesleepingbags@hotmail(.)com, c.p.holden@bbc(.)co(.)uk, I12PonU@yahoo(.)com, bad.acting.is.entertaining@keanureevesfans(.)org, squashedtomatoes@vegetablesoup(.)com, thealiensarecoming@outerspacepeanuts(.)co(.)uk, toweltoweltowel@towels(.)com, ihaveanemailaccount@hotmail(.)com, sodiumhydride@nah(.)com, liquid.nitrogen. mytowelsmellsofmushrooms@hotmail(.)com, dumbjoystick@yahoo(.)com, starwarsisnotdead@gmail(.)com, goneforlongwalkies@yahoo(.)com, bottleofsulphuricacid@sciexgonewrong(.)org
Subject: Re: Questionnaire
WHAT ARE YOU DOING: Recovering from a hangover, so make it quick.
FULL NAME: To tell the truth, I can't remember. Just call me Ford.
WHAT'S UP, DUDE? Go away.
WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? These funny throbbing sounds in my head.
WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Somewhere. Out there.
WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF? Vogon poetry.
WHO DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON? Myself.
DO YOU LIKE YOURSELF? Not right now. My head hurts.
YOUR GOOD FRIENDS: This earthling named Arthur.
WHAT IS UNDER YOUR BED? Beer bottles, several cobwebs, the usual. Only it's not exactly a bed, more a cardboard box.
PERSONS IN YOUR FAMILY? Dead.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE...
BEVERAGE? Pan Galactic Gargleblaster
SMELL? My sense of smell seems to have temporarily deserted me. I think it's the beer's fault.
HAVE YOU EVER...
DRANK? Yes.
SMOKED? No.
COME CLOSE TO DYING? Yes.
DO YOU...
WET THE BED? You mean the cardboard box? Well, I spilt some beer on it last night. The thing's all drenched now.
COLLECT ANYTHING? Beer bottles. When I have a hundred of them, I'll arrange them on a wall and sing the beer bottle song with actions. Wait, I don't have a wall.
EAT A LIVE HAMSTER FOR A MILLION ? Yeah, why not? Especially if they're roasted or pan-fried. Mmmm.
KILL SOMEONE YOU DIDN'T KNOW FOR 15 MILLION DOLLARS: Sure. Who will it be?
ANYONE OFFERED YOU A SMALL PART IN A MOVIE WOULD YOU ACCEPT? Of course.
xxxx
From - admin@wearenotalone(.)net
To - default@allyouneedisbeer(.)com
Subject: SpaceWatch Newsletter
Attachment: SpaceWatch Issue #3
xxxx
SPACEWATCH: Keeping an eye on the skies
A newsletter by wearenotalone(.)com
Volume 4, Issue 3
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ALIENS IN THE CLOSETS!
You've all heard of the monsters that enjoy haunting the closets of poor little kids. There might have even been one in your own bedroom when you were a child. However, Ms Skye Walker, 7, has a new idea as to the identities of these nighttime monsters.
"I don't think they're monsters," she said to one of our reporters. "I think they're actually aliens from outer space who want to abduct us for their experiments. That's what my daddy told me. He said that when he was six, the aliens came out of his closet and carried him off to their spaceship. But he beat them all up and escaped."
SpaceWatch's attempts to warn the public have been, however, to no avail. We were for some reason denied access to international radio and television networks, and it will therefore have to be up to you, dear readers, to spread the news. The children of this world are in danger. The sooner the public are aware, the better.
xxxx
PHOTOSYNTHESISING TURTLE NOT OF THIS EARTH!
"My turtle photosynthesises," reported Mr. Paul T. Nathan, proudly holding up the little green (and obviously alien) creature for all of us to see. "One day it went from green to not so green, and my friend said that it was because there was not enough sunlight."
Now, we all know that turtles naturally do not photosynthesise; at least, they don't on Earth. However, this turtle apparently does so, which could mean only one thing - it's an alien.
Photosynthesis requires chlorophyll to take place, a substance manufactured only in plants. The fact that a 'turtle' has the ability to photosynthesise would mean that it contains chlorophyll, and is, in fact, half-plant-half-turtle.
We at SpaceWatch would like to welcome Mr. Nathan's turtle to our planet, and hope it has a nice time here.
xxxx
MYSTERIOUS METAL-THIEVING LINKED TO EXTRATERRESTRIALS?
It appears that some aliens living on Earth have taken to stealing pieces of metal from homes. Several incidents have been reported to SpaceWatch this year, and although some were found to be the work of magpies, there are still cases which remain unsolved.
Young Tommy Anderson, 5, told SpaceWatch about one such case that happened last week.
"I was eating my cereal in the kitchen with a spoon," he said. "Then I went out to answer the telephone, and when I got back, there was no spoon! My mummy said that I stole it to make my catapult, but I didn't. I found my catapult spoon in a bird nest."
As you can by no doubt see, this is a serious situation. The main questions here are: 1) What are these metal-thieving aliens planning to do with all that metal? Are they constructing powerful alien weapons of mass destruction? ; 2) How do the aliens manage to sneak into people's homes so easily and steal the metal without the residents knowing?
The answers are out there, somewhere. And it is our job here at SpaceWatch to try and find them as quickly as possible.
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TO BE CONTINUED...
Want a chance to be featured in our next chapter? From now on, we will be accepting articles from reviewers to be included in SpaceWatch, so send them in! All credit will be given to you.
The following shoutouts were typed by Anakin McFly of FFN, so don't blame the other two writers for anything.
anna: If you want good e-mail fanfic, read Albus Dumbledore's Inbox by Indigo Ziona. It's really funny. And I've got an e-mail fic novel too called They've Got Mail, which you can check out if you want... it's partly a Hitchhiker's crossover in the later chapters... Uh, actually this story was supposed to cover events before the first book, so Marvin won't be there and Zaphod would not really know the others well enough to send them insults yet. We might put in something about the time Arthur meets Zaphod (or 'Phil') at the party though, or something.
LadyKay: If you die, then how can you continue reading? ;P
BeatlesLover: One of the other two writers here is a crazy Beatles fan too. And so was Douglas Adams. Thanks for reviewing!
Earth Correspondent: Um. Okay.
Tobi: Here's the second chapter! Fodd.
leelee: Thanks! Sorry for the wait in updating.
HyperCaz: HIYA DUDE! Uh, you technically aren't allowed to send in your own e-mails yet because we never said you could. But we put it in anyway, so that's several cups of tea you owe us. Um, bits of the addresses were deleted by FFN, so I just made the rest up. Thanks for your review!