Disclaimer: We don't own The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, as much as we wish we did.
This chapter is mostly SpaceWatch. We'll try to come up with more content in future chapters.
From - defaultallyouneedisbeer(.)com
To - jobapptheprintingcompany(.)com
Subject: Application for paper cutter job
Dear Sir and/or/cum Madam:
As an experienced individual in the delicate and exquisite art of paper cutting, I am applying for your position as a paper cutter, as advertised on your website.
I am highly committed to producing service of excellent quality, giving you neat, straight cuts of paper. In all my history as a paper cutter with the Great Paper Company (GPC), I have not had a single accident, excluding the unavoidable paper cuts that results from a job well done and the incident in which the head editor brought his fingers a little too close to the paper cutter blade. (He has since recovered, and is now living happily in Islington with a wife, two children, and a sofa named Bob.)
In the last few years while I worked at the GPC, work speed increased by a whopping 30 due to the rapid rate at which I cut paper for the company. No longer did busy workers have to take time off urgent business in order to cut paper; I did it all for them. In recognition of my hard work, I was awarded the 'Paper Cutter of the Year Award' and promoted to Chief Paper Cutter within just two months.
However, I am leaving that company as I hope for ways to further enrich my skill, and to open my sights to new horizons and new experiences.
I am also adept at the skill of multi-tasking. While working as a paper cutter, I was also able to find the time to source for acting jobs at various theatres and movie studios. You may recognise me as 'Guy With Umbrella' in the award-winning drama, 'It's Raining Again, Sod It'.
I am anxious to talk to you and discuss my potential to contribute to your organisation. I plan to call you in three days or less, depending on when I can get hold of a telephone. You can reach me by e-mail at defaultallyouneedisbeer(.)com.
Yours sincerely,
Ford Prefect.
XXXX
From - mrsdentdesperatehousewives(.)com
To - arthur.dentbbc(.)co(.)uk
Subject: How's my little Arty-kins?
Hello, darling!
How have you been? The weather has been absolutely dreadful these past few days, all those howling winds and ominous skies! Be sure to always carry an umbrella with you when you go out, because you never know when it might start to pour. You wouldn't want to be caught out in the rain, would you? You might catch your death of cold!
Are you still going around with that nasty Ford Prefect? I never liked him, you know. The man drinks far too much for his own good. It makes one wonder how he affords it. And that hair colour is certainly not natural too. Does he even have a decent job yet? Or is he still lying around in the streets like some unshaven bum? Either way, you shouldn't mix around with him so much. You never know who he might turn out to be: a crook, some social reject or worse! I wouldn't be the least bit surprised. You can't trust him, Arthur dear. He claims he's from Guildford, but his accent is obviously American.
But don't worry too much about that, Arty-kins. Mummy's coming to see you in two days time, and she has some nice new clothes for you. I'm sure you'll love them, dear. And do wear the purple cashmere cardigan I brought over for you on my last visit. I think it would go splendidly with the orange bell-bottoms.
Love and kisses,
Mummy.
XXXX
From - arthur.dentbbc(.)co(.)uk
To - mrsdentdesperatehousewives(.)com
Subject: I'm almost 30! Stop calling me Arty-kins!
Hi Mum,
How many times must I tell you to inform me at least a week in advance before coming over? My apartment is not some cheap motel you can just drop into on whim. Not that I do not welcome you or look forward to seeing you, of course.
Please stop buying me clothing from the last half century. I cannot even begin to fathom where you find such clothing in the first place, but if you insist on buying them, I suggest donating them to the cultural heritage centre on No. 4 Anecdote Way. They're looking to re-furnish with a disco fever theme.
And though Ford may tend to drink a tad too much on special occasions, he really is a good friend. He does have a job: If you look closely, you can see him playing second unidentified alien to the right in a battle scene in Return of the Jedi. He is now looking into taking up a decent, stable job and had even sent in his resume. His hair colour is natural and he even has the freckles to go with it. If that still does not convince you that Ford is just another harmless British bachelor with slight eccentricities, then I can only ask you to trust your son's tastes. I know Ford, mom, he's a nice person.
Love,
Arthur
P.S. I'm afraid you would not be seeing me in the suggested clothing ensemble. The cardigan has faded to an unfortunate pale blue due after I accidentally dropped it into the Central Park pond and the pants suffered a rather violent meeting with my neighbour's Chihuahua.
XXXX
From - mrsdentdesperatehousewives(.)com
To - arthur.dentbbc(.)co(.)uk
Subject: You'll always be my baby, Arty-kins
Arty Sweetie,
I wanted the nice visit to be a surprise, but I know how antsy you get about having your 'private life' interrupted. I know you're all grown up and independent now, but surely you won't deny your dear mummy some time with her dearest, favourite little baby, would you?
Don't tell me you know Ford, darling. I knew your father too. Or at least I thought I did. Until that day I saw him at the McMillan Nightclub's annual drag queen contest. As Marilyn Monroe. And we all know how that relationship ended.
We can talk more about this once I arrive. Do bring out the lavender print tablecloth, I think I shall make Earl Grey Teaand bake some muffins for you. There's nothing like homemade tea after all that instant junk your generation has been taking to.
Fondest affections,
Mummy
XXXX
From - jobapptheprintingcompany(.)com
To -
defaultallyouneedisbeer(.)com
Subject: Re: Application for paper cutter job
Dear Mr/Ms/Mdm Ford Prefect,
Thank you very much for your application.
The Printing Company, Inc. is pleased to observe your enthusiasm in obtaining the glorious position of Paper Cutter in our company. Your resume is diverse and impressive (we are amused to watch your performance in 'It's Raining Again, Sod It', in which you were dropped into an open manhole), with the exception of the incident in which the head editor brought his fingers a little too close to the paper cutter blade.
However, the company is willing to overlook that mild mishap (as you were the only person to apply for the job) and employ you. Once again, thank you for your application, and we wish to congratulate you on your new job.
We would like to inform you that your contract begins with effect from the first working day of the next week.
Yours sincerely,
Adam S. Apple
Deputy Head Secretary-in-Charge
Paper Cutting Sub-Department
Employment Department
The Cupboard Under the Stairs
The Printing Company, Inc.
XXXX
From - adminwearenotalone(.)net
To - defaultallyouneedisbeer(.)com
Subject: SpaceWatch Newsletter
Attachment: SpaceWatch Issue #4
xxxx
SPACEWATCH: Keeping an eye on the skies
A newsletter by wearenotalone(.)com
Volume 4, Issue 4
xxxx
ALIEN-INDUCED STOMACHACHE?
"I saw the little green men, like, enter my stomach! They came in, like, through my navel, and it started to, like, really hurt in there, like..."
Such are the words of a 16-year-old girl who has declined to be named. At press time, the mysterious stomachache still has not subsided and is, on the contrary, getting worse. What could the aliens want with a teenager's stomach?
"For all we know, this may be part of a new plan to eat humans where, ironically, they usually eat their food," said M.R. Hamil, spokesperson for SpaceWatch. "To the public, it seems nothing more than a stomachache... but then before you know it, the victim is dead, chewed out from the outside."
A horrifying way to die, indeed. But is there any way to protect yourself against these stomach aliens? We e-mailed several SpaceWatch readers to find out what your views were.
"You could try Panadol," suggested Elizabeth Wells of Kenley, Surrey. "Or some other kind of stomach medicine."
As for Michael A. Fawkes of Liverpool, he provided a slightly different take on the matter.
"What these stomach aliens are after is food," he wrote in saying. "That's why they head for your stomach. They feed off the food in there, and when the supply stops, they feed on you. So what you have to do is keep on eating, keep on feeding them. If they have enough to eat, they'll leave you alone. Think of them as extra gastric juices. And besides, these stomach aliens might actually turn out to be a blessing. Think about it. You could eat as much food as you want without getting fat, because these aliens will eat the food for you. I see them as a way to stop the problem of growing obesity."
So are these stomach aliens a blessing or a curse? Write in and tell us your views, and you may be featured in the next issue of SpaceWatch.
A DAY IN THE...
Last Thursday, a few thousand holes mysteriously appeared in Blackburn, Lancashire.
These holes, to the untrained amateur eyes of a passerby, were believed to be nothing more than potholes. However, trained and professional SpaceWatch investigators hurried to the scene, only to find that these enigmatic holes were, in fact, urban crop circles.
This is the first occurrence of urban crop circles in the world, and is therefore not to be taken lightly. This could be an indication of the heightened intentions of ethereal lifeforms to come into close contact with Earthlings.
Although the holes were rather small, SpaceWatch had to count them all - they numbered exactly four thousand. This number is significant as it has been calculated as the capacity of the Albert Hall when excessively full. Perhaps these otherworldly beings are expressing an interest in our Arts culture and wish to sample modern urban artistry.
NEW STAFF MEMBER HAS TALE TO TELL
We are pleased to announce the addition of T.C. Mapother to the SpaceWatch staff. An avid reader of SpaceWatch and one who has been in contact with the alien kind for several years, we are sure that he will prove a valuable asset to us. However, we are sad to report that some extraterrestrials seem to be against this decision of his.
"I was attacked," Mapother was reported saying. "Two nights ago, the aliens persuaded my sofa to jump on me when I was asleep. I woke up with a shock and found my Chesterfield sofa bouncing up and down my body, declaring its undying love for my pillow. It was a... disturbing experience. Especially since I can't tell why my sofa liked my pillow. I mean, my blanket is infinitely hotter. It's electric, you see."
Mapother has since placed a restraining order on his sofa, and is in the process of finding the aliens responsible for the fiasco.
We at SpaceWatch wish him luck, and are glad to report that the events of two days ago have not affected his decision to join us.
FLYING TRAIN SPOTTED BY POLICEMAN
"It was like... like an UFO!" exclaimed police officer Michael Gale, gesturing widely with his hands to show us just how massive his encounter was. According to him, he and a fellow policeman had been on duty searching for a missing teenager when this event occured.
"I was just minding my own business," Gale continued, "when all of a sudden there was this really huge noise in the sky, and this colourful flying train just appeared out of nowhere! It was crazy, I tell you!"
When queried on further events, Gale was unable to provide any further information as he had passed out on seeing the strange apparition. His fellow policeman, Robert Lee, had crawled under the police car for safety and likewise did not see anything more. We would like to urge the public to keep an eye out for any flying train and inform us on any further developments in this area.
INSULTING ALIEN CALLS ON UNSUSPECTING U.S. CITIZEN
By Grim Reaper
On June 31 of some year, a strange, silver spaceship reportedly landed on the front lawn of Ms. Keramo Dinana.
"This big, grayish-green alien just stepped out, trampling my hydrangeas," the shaken Idaho citizen reports. "He called me names! He called me a fat, ignorant, 'Vogon poet' (whatever that refers to) and he said that the 'Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal' (again, whatever that means) would run crying at the sight of my face!"
At this point, Ms. Dinana began sobbing into the arms of her husband, Liave Dinana. "She never found anyone who would believe her before," he said gratefully. "Thank you, SpaceWatch!"
ALIEN MESSAGES IN CALCULATOR
"It was really weird," said Nigel Shuter, 17, to SpaceWatch reporters yesterday. "I was taking my maths exam, when all of a sudden words started forming on my calculator screen! At first I thought that I had accidentally pressed the wrong buttons, but when it gave 'HI I AM AN ALIEN' as the square root of 1,764, I knew something was up."
According to Nigel, the aliens then proceeded to provide him with all the answers to his exam paper, earning him a perfect score for the first time in his life.
"It's not like I was cheating or anything," he said. "I couldn't help it. The answers kept showing up on the calculator, right in front of my face. I could have kept it away, but then I wouldn't have had a calculator to use for the rest of the paper."
However, Nigel's teacher, Rachel Geller, had a different point of view altogether.
"He cheated," she stated when questioned by SpaceWatch staff. "There's no point in him going on about all this 'alien' stuff. I personally found the answers to the exam scribbled down on a piece of paper that he stuck on the back of his calculator. He can say all he likes about the aliens doing it, but I for one don't believe him."
At this point, Nigel started crying and calling his teacher rude names. He seemed awfully sincere and convincing about everything he said, and SpaceWatch is thus inclined to believe him.
His mother, Kelly Shuter, also seemed to agree with this.
"Nigel's always been a good boy," she said through her tears. "He does his schoolwork every night, he studies for his exams, he's the President of the school's drama club... Last year his second cousin was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and it... it affected him a great deal. Then, for once, something good happens to him and he gets accused of cheating, of all things!"
SpaceWatch staff did our best to console her, but she waved aside our attempts.
"The only help you can give me is to prove my little boy is telling the truth," she said, sniffing into a handkerchief. "I read your newsletter all the time, so I know that you will do all you can to help."
MARRIAGES
We at SpaceWatch are glad to announce the union of two aliens, Bob and Ani. Having lived for several years on Earth posing as erasers, they finally revealed their true identities and were united yesterday. We wish them a happy life ahead.
XXXX
TO BE CONTINUED.
Note to reviewers: Prease to rephrain phrom sending in e-mails phrom characters to characters, can or not ah? Just write other tings lah. Tank yew.
The person who typed that has now been sacked.
Note to reviewers edited: It would be nice if you didn't send in e-mails written by characters to characters, because it, uh, confuses a) the plot, and b) us. So if you want to contribute e-mails, make them from an original character of your own creation. Thank you. ;)
But since we got a submission like that, here it is:
From - defaultallyouneedisbeer(.)com
To - arthur.dentbbc(.)co(.)uk
Subject:
Ph34r my n33d 4 b33r
My dear, wonderful, lovely, friend of who I hold in the most high esteem,
Remember that umbrella? Well someone stole it, and at AA may I add (that was not funny you signing me up like that) anyways, to get revenge I may have acidently burned the building down... I'm horribly sober right now and I was wondering if I could borrow a few pounds... in exchange I'll sell you my box, shelter's not worth being sober for so long, it makes you do crazy things... . (
XXXX
HyperCaz: What yummy little biscuits?
vogon jelts: Uh, you did spell 'hysterical' right. Okay, we're writing more. After about six months.
Grim Reaper: We've updated it, so spare us the six-thousand words worth of 'CONTINUE!'s. And thanks for the lyrics to 'So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish'.
Robin Rainyday: Sorry for not including your e-mail, but thanks for reviewing!
Suulsa-Krii and Huntree: Thanks for reviewing! And for adding to favourites, and adding to Story Alert. Actually, we're thinking of moving the time period into the future a little.
ladyvella42: What zeroes are going to kill us all? Oh, you mean THE Zeroes? Okay.
Sarah: Uh, actually we're just showing what goes on in the e-mails. What happens outside of them is supposed to be left to your imagination.
Middle-Earthian: Um, you spelt 'hilarious' right. WHAT'S WITH ALL YOU PEOPLE SPELLING WORDS RIGHT AND THINKING THAT YOU SPELT THEM WRONG? My capslock key has issues. Forgive it.
pupparoo123: Writing more...