Step down, back off
Chapter 2: Trouble at first sight.
Well my second chapter's up. Wondering what happens next? This chapter is guaranteed to make you laugh! And for everyone, just call them their names without their surnames. Has a scene from the movie 'Mean Girls'. XD
Disclaimer: I don't own Dynasty Warriors.
A few weeks later, it was the arrival of the Shu ruler. He was going to visit and stay at the palace of Wu for a few days. Most of the people gathered outside the palace, waiting for his arrival. For some reason, the weather that day was terrible and complains could be heard. Most of them began to think that this was going to be a very unlucky day.
"It's been hours since we've been waiting here!" growled Sun Ce in frustration.
"And that 'thing' still hasn't arrived yet!" Da Qiao exclaimed as she fanned herself with her weapon.
"Yeah right, he must be trying to get us killed!" said Zhou Yu.
"I say we burn him!" Lu Xun suggested as he raised his fist.
"YEAH!" everyone suggested.
Just then, everyone heard some horse footsteps. People were making noise.
"?"
"….."
"What is that?"
"I can't see!"
"Hey what's going on?"
"It's…it's… Liu Bei!"
"Finally…."
At first, they all thought of Liu Bei who was someone high and mighty. But no, he looked like a scrawny looking man with the face of a goat. He was accompanied by his sworn brothers, Zhang Fei and Guan Yu, his advisor, Zhuge Liang and one of the Shu generals, Huang Zhong.
"Is this counted as a looser?" Xiao Qiao wondered as she put her finger to her lip and began to think. Everyone stared at Liu Bei who newly arrived at the Wu palace for the princess.
"Err… are you Liu Bei of 'Shu'?" asked Sun Quan, Shang Xiang's second older brother curiously.
"Of course I am," Liu Bei replied, trying to act grand but actually he's not, "I'm riding a grand horse."
Xiao Qiao pointed at him. "No you're not; you're just taking two coconuts and banging it together!"
Once she finished her last sentence, all eyes were on the Shu ruler who just kept on banging the coconuts. On that day, none of the horses at the stables at Shu wanted him to ride on their back because he had a very unpleasant smell. Once he got out of bed, he threw tantrums because Guan Yu ate the last pork bun that he had wanted to eat. And as he threw tantrums, he went, "I don't wanna bathe!"
Back to his current situation, he just stood there dumbfounded with nothing to say. He could do nothing but keep banging the coconuts. People were thinking 'Arrgh! That dumb sound, knock it off!'
"By the way, where did you get those coconuts? Never really seen them around lately…" Ling Tong broke the silence.
Liu Bei replied in a snobbish manner as if he's so proud. He was still banging the coconuts, "We found them."
"But this region of China's a temperate country! You can't expect to find coconuts here!" said Lu Xun.
Liu Bei was caught. He didn't know what to say. He didn't even know where the hell he found those coconuts. "Well, maybe the coconuts migrated somehow but I won't tell you! And if you excuse me, I've gotta' go meet my future wife!"
He walked into to the palace rudely with no manners, still banging those two coconuts together and left the others to stare blankly at him. They were really pissed off and could not tolerate this nonsense anymore.
Sun Ce was the one who was irritated the most. "Is that idiot really gonna be Shang Xiang's husband?
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Shang Xiang starred at Liu Bei in shock. She was wondering what was a 'hideous-looking-old- man-who-was-more-than-probably-half-her-age-and-had-the-face-of-a-goat' doing in front of her.
"Greetings my princess," Liu Bei greeted as he bowed down as if he was o' hailing her as if she were the God, I mean Goddess.
"Step on him!" whispered Xiao Qiao who stood beside the princess.
Shang Xiang lifted one foot and almost stepped on him. But before she could, he got up and she quickly put her leg down. "DAMN!"
Liu Bei got up and stood on his legs. "I have come from a far to ask for your hand in marriage,"
Xiao Qiao felt like running to the bathroom to throw up.
"Hey, where are you from?" asked Shang Xiang.
Liu Bei stared blankly into space. "Err…"
He spotted the world map on the wall that was behind Shang Xiang. He saw a large piece of green that was written 'Africa' in bold black. Oh my God, what a dumb Shu ruler who doesn't even know his own address. And you don't suppose the SHU KINGDOM OF CHINA in the 'Romance of the three Kingdoms' era was located in AFRICA, do you?
"Africa," said the dumb Shu ruler.
The two girls just blinked at him.
"If you're from Africa, than why are you white?" asked Xiao Qiao in a blur manner like a character named 'Karen' from the movie 'Mean Girls'.
"Oh my God!" Shang Xiang exclaimed, "You can't just ask people if they're white, you've got to…EWWWW! "
She was cut off by Liu Bei who was starring at her with a seductive face. (Yeah right, he is a real perverted pansy.) Poor Shang Xiang could not tolerate or ignore that look anymore. In a second, she zoomed off hoping that he would forget about chasing her. But he did. He followed her like a pet with full speed. Xian Qiao panicked, "Oh somebody call the exterminator…EXTERMINATOR!"
Sun Ce and Quan busted in the room like how they do it in an action packed movie.
"Did someone call us?" asked the older Sun.
"I don't know, brother," said the younger Sun, "What do you think?"
Xiao Qiao smacked her forehead in disbelief. "Over here,"
Sun Ce turned and looked at her standing all alone. "Oh I see you. What's the prob'?"
"Well, if you ask me…that FREAK Liu Bei is chasing after your 'mei-mei'!"
"What the? No way! We're gonna walk right up to him, stick a sword in his guts and pull out his stomach!" raged Sun Quan as he clenched his fist.
"Then let's go," said Sun Ce as he picked up a pitchfork, followed by Sun Quan who picked up a broom stick that was lying on the floor. Both brothers ran towards a random direction.
"Wait!" the younger Qiao called for them to stop. "He went that way," she pointed in the opposite direction from where they were going.
"Oh yeah, let's go get em'!"
"Hey I wanna come too…………..wait for MEEE!!" Xiao Qiao yelled as she grabbed a chair and ran after them.
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Shang Xiang ran the race of her life. Liu Bei keeps on chasing her until they circle the entire perimeter of the Wu kingdom. She runs in the village trashing people's stuff and all like breaking the cloth lines, breaking down carts and lot's of those kind of stuff. They'd better stop this stupid act because people were watching. I mean, Liu Bei should stop it, not Shang Xiang.
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The people watching,
Villager 1: Wow! That's cool! I didn't know the princess had a lot of strength.
Villager 2: Yeah, I thought she was gonna' be sissy girl in Barbie world.
Pathetic wannabe: Huh? Why is the princess running?
Pathetic wannabe's mom: (Called from a window) Hey Pathetic wannabe! You forgot to change your underwear!
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Back to the scene,
Shang Xiang ran into an alley until the end. A sign was written on the wall that said 'Dead End' and had a drawing of a skull and bones were there but the skull did look totally dorky, though. She could feel the presence of Liu Bei getting nearer. She leaned with her back facing the wall in fear. She felt totally helpless. She couldn't do anything. She felt like a deer caught in the headlights. "Oh no, I'm dead!"
"I've got you know my sweet baboo…" said Liu Bei as he puckered his lips to makes slurry kissing noises.
'Baboo? Isn't that a African word? Shang Xiang thought for a minute.
"Come to the dark side…join me!" Liu Bei's fake 'Darth Vader' accent sounded pathetic.
"Never in a million, gazillion years!"
"Then deal 'Roachy'!" said the Shu ruler as he pulled out a cockroach from his pocket. I mean, talk about it, he is totally not hygienic. He is so dirty. He keeps a cockroach in his pocket. You can't imagine what else can be found in his pocket. I wonder if he even washes his clothes.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"
Just at that moment, the three saviors appeared.
"Need any help?" asked Sun Ce.
"Oh, yes, yes!" responded the Shu ruler immediately.
"Not you, the girl!"
"…….."
"YES! GET THIS BAD RUBBISH AWAY FROM ME!" yelled the princess.
Sun Ce grabbed Liu Bei by the collar and yelled, "Listen, Liu Bei, you punk! You get your frickin' hands off my sister or you'll be spending the rest of your life in the daycare center for idiotic scums like you!"
"So? Like I care…"
Before you knew it, Liu Bei's ass got kicked and he flew all the way to outer space, I mean to the village dump.
"Are you ok?" Xiao Qiao asked as she ran over to Shang Xiang.
"I'm fine," Shang Xiang replied.
Sun Quan looked around. "Ok, this is it; I just hope that idiot won't come back,"
"I don't wanna marry that idiot," wailed the princess.
"Don't worry, you won't have to," said Xiao Qiao, "We'll find a way to get rid of him right guys?"
"Yeah!" answered both the Sun guys.
"I think Liu Bei's using some African black magic,"
"Africa?"
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Well, after that incident, Liu Bei was bandaged all over. He was sitting still like the mummy from Egypt. The people came crowding around him.
"My lord, are you ok?"
"Does that hurt?"
Is it painful?"
"….."
Liu Bei's POV
I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive them!
End POV
…………….
Back to the Wu council,
They just found out that Lady Wu had been planning a banquet for Liu Bei.
"Oh crap! We've chased Liu Bei of! Your mom's so gonna' kill us!" Da Qiao panicked as she looked at her husband.
Just to let you know that Lady Wu approves their marriage. But her husband doesn't really. And her husband is away in this fiction.
"Don't worry, my mom isn't that fierce, she's…." Sun Ce sputtered his words out. He didn't want his wife to know that he was also in panic and didn't know what to do.
"A vampire…" his younger brother finished his sentence for him.
(Horror music plays)
"What do you mean? She can stand sun light," Zhou Yu was trying to be reasonable.
"WRONG!" said Sun Ce, "Vampires of royal blood can stand sunlight,"
"But is she's a vampire you're one too, right?"
"Am I?"
"I mean she's soooo fierce! So strict! And always want everything to be perfect. She'll whack us up even if there's a bit of an unperfected thing. You know, sometimes even I get scared of her," Sun Quan cut in.
"Ok! Enough talk, so what should we do?" Lu Meng shut them all up.
"I have a plan. Go apologize to Liu Bei first then after the banquet we start being mean to him," suggested Lu Xun.
"Great idea, I love it! C'mon guys, let's go and be a fake friend!" Xiao Qiao said as she got up from her seat and walked out of the door.
Just then, Shang Xiang enters the room and overhears the plan. "Hey, don't get too friendly,"
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"Em, Liu Bei…" the three of them arrived in a very angelic manner.
"WHAT?" the dumb Shu ruler moaned in pain.
"We just wanna apologize and we're hosting a banquet tomorrow,"
"Really?"
"Yeah!"
"Oh take this," Xiao Qiao handed Liu Bei a bunch of flowers which were all wrapped up and could not be seen at all.
"You're all forgiven for giving me there pretty flowers," said Liu Bei as he took the wrapped up flowers form the younger Qiao.
The three of them run out of the room as fast as they can. Want to know why? It' s all planned. Find out in the next chapter.
Well that's all for my second chapter. What will happen between Liu Bei and the poison Ivy? Will he discover their plan? A love triangle is surely going to be in the next chapter. And a banquet war! Well, who wants to kick that frickin' asshole Liu Bei's ass? Stay tuned!
Oh yeah, and the word 'mei-mei' means 'little sister' in Chinese. It was really cute and I had to use it. I could actually add more Chinese suffixes. And what's with Liu Bei having a goat face, my friend, Mel's sister said so.