Rain inside and out

A/N : Hey all, sorry I took so long for this chapter, I was kind of disappointed by the lack of reviews for chapter 6 actually, and that wasn't motivating. Hope you like this chapter anyway… Lea Meow is the best, I love you babe !

Out of the darkness

There she crawls

Covered in blood

And tethered shawls

Lurking in my shadow

Chasing you away

In your heart for a second

She will not let me stay

I try to get away

But I fear I cannot

She has me bound

And that I cannot stop

The chains are strong

The ropes very tight

They cut into my skin

Day and night

She sucks out my happy

And gives me only bad

All I can ever feel

Is rage and mad

I do hate you

But yet again I don't

I despise you with a passion

Sometimes I won't

She makes me feel things

That hurt me deep down

She keeps changing

My world around

- Elizabeth Vornbrock

Chapter 7 : Everlasting Aversion

Narrator's POV :

" We have to stop this, we're only making things worse ! " James told Roxy in the middle of the library, a day after the Malfoy incident.

" Look, she's only pissed at the fact we're going out because she's jealous. I see no other reason for it, " Roxy argued, chewing on the end of a quill as she flipped through the pages of a Divination book.

" Oh I do ! She can't stand the sight of me, and she won't accept some self-centered idiot such as myself dating her best friend, where's the mystery in that ? "

Roxy shook her head in exasperation : " That's just an excuse. Trust me, this is only the first step. She's been used to denial for the best part of her life, give her some time to see how she really feels. "

" She hates me, Roxy, she really does. "

The blue eyed girl closed her book and focused her gaze on the irresolute boy : " What happened yesterday ? " she asked with narrowed eyebrows.

" I wish I could tell you but… I hardly know myself. She was… extremely angry, I don't understand why. "

Lily's POV :

A week had passed. It'd been a week since I'd had the scare of my life for my friend's health, a week since I'd undergone the worst humiliation of my existence yet, a week since I'd found that strange piece of black parchment on the school grounds and whose signification I still didn't understand.

Ignorance had become my one policy. Knowing Potter, I had easily predicted he would not be leaving me alone, and he surely wouldn't be giving up on trying to talk to me. So the week passed by quite eventfully, the only words I managed to utter towards him being the occasional hexes, for the mounting anger I felt towards his more-than-ever-conceited being had not ceased to increase.

As for Roxy I was avoiding her like the plague, the only communication we ever had being "hi" or "pass the salt, please ?" And no doubt about it, I missed her. The old her, for she had changed into someone else. She was… dating Potter, and not caring to listen to her own best friend. But these days, I didn't know what was what anymore; what with her, Potter, and the strange attitude Liz had picked up all week, always looking into space with a distraught look on her face, seeming so deep into her thoughts it appeared impossible to reach her. Even then I knew her well enough to know she was not her normal self. Awkward events had followed each other during the week but I was too perplexed to bother adding them up or make any sense out of any of them.

So I stood immobile on my bed, eyes unblinking and focusing hard as I tried to pierce the mystery of the two sentences written by none other than the infamous Sirius Black. I reread the note once, twice, a dozen times until I knew every detail by heart but still didn't understand a word of it.

You can't escape your past, Eliza. Now it's all falling apart, now you know how it feels.

The door creaking open woke me from my trance and instinct pushed the parchment under my pillow in an attempt to keep this secret. It was Roxy.

" Hey… " she said softly. I took a sudden fascination for the window frame.

" Look, could you at least talk to me, it's not like I've done anything wrong is it ?" she pursued, the hurt evident in her voice.

" What is there to say ? " I asked almost absent-mindedly, looking out to the trees' dance as the wind brushed across their naked branches. " You've made a tremendous mistake, you'll end up hurt and you're ignoring the one person who can help you prevent this. "

" You're making him sound like the worse person on Earth, " she said.

" He's close to it, " I replied coldly, the week's events flashing through my mind. How my wand fit so subtlety within my fingers, how it all became so clear, how perfect the moment was… and the disaster that came out of it.

" You honestly believe that ? " she questioned with half of what seemed like astonishment.

I sighed, slowly looked up at her tense form beholding inquiring eyes, and let a tear of rage slide down my cheek.

I had been so close.

" He proved to me he was in no way worthy of the slightest effort of friendship on my part. He completely underestimated me, and I will never forgive him, " I said.

" But why, Lily ? What is it that he's done to make you hate him so badly ? " Roxy sat next to me, her sweet face in the sunlight.

"Ten points from Slytherin for misconduct towards the Head Girl !"

His proud, laughing voice echoing in my mind wasn't just a mere assimilation of words. He had gone beyond being inconsiderately egotistical, he had obtained or regained a supercilious state of mind. I'd barely been able to stand him before, but now, it was no longer a game of pranks and jokes. This time, he'd crossed the line, he had gone way too far, so far that I couldn't even tell my friends about it. In many ways I had failed, I had let myself down. I had lost something so important, something that meant the world to me : recognition. And for failing to be recognized, I felt ashamed.

" Lily, what happened ? " Roxy repeated, this time more forcefully.

" I… " I stared into her face, a mixture of worry, fear and confusion, and my mind went blank. I could not speak, I had no will get the words out. " I can't explain. "

Roxy sighed. She'd tried all week to get it out of me, any sort of response, in vain. And in a way, the trust I had placed in her had diminished for how in the world could Potter not have told her, how could she not have heard the rumours ? There were signs. Everywhere. Even if Malfoy had been knocked out by a couple hexes and had looked nothing like his normal pathetic self for a while, it was nothing compared to the new reputation I had since last week. Those mere minutes had been enough to grant me a lifetime of "you're incapable and powerless, mudblood"...

Later that day I entered the common room, which was empty as usual since everyone was at dinner and lazily climbed the stairs to the girls' dormitories, but found that I couldn't open the door to the seventh year's dorm.

Probably some trick from the second years, I thought. I took out my wand and tried the Alohamora spell, to no avail. Claustrorum, the replacement-for-any-key charm didn't work either and my last hope, the catenae spell against any sort of frontier, died out as the mysterious lock on the door resisted. Aggravated I came back down to the common room, deciding on starting an Astronomy chart until someone came around.

" You took long enough to give up, " Potter's amused voice made me jump. He was lying back in an armchair, his face obscured by the shadows of the dimly light room. His mere presence brought my blood to boil, but logically that's what he wanted and I wasn't about to act as if I gave a damn about him. I walked across the room, and to my most delightful pleasure… found the entrance door locked as well. I spun around and I swear I could have heard him smiling. Oh how badly I wanted to hit him… again.

" Come on Lils, I know you're dying to ask me how I did it. "

And in fact I did, because I'd tried every charm I knew, and I had not been able to solve the problem. And that was overpoweringly frustrating. But no way in hell was I going to utter a single word to him. He loved to drive me insane using provocation and hated it when I made use of indifference against him. So I went back to homework, pulling parchment and ink out of my bag as I settled around the table.

Yet I felt as though he'd bore a hole through my head if he didn't stop staring so intently at me. I sighed in exasperation : I obviously couldn't get out of this one the way I had planned to.

" What do you want ? " I asked him unconcernedly, looking up at where he was sitting. He grinned, his eyes sparkling with mischief and somewhat of a disturbing spark.

" You're talking again. Good. " was his Machiavellian answer as he got up from his seat and slowly made his way towards me. I refused to look down and loathed him more with every step he took, as he carelessly closed the distance between us until we were just three feet apart. I remained unconditionally still.

" Maybe you're deaf, or incredibly stupid. I said, what do you want ? "

" You've been refusing to talk to me, " he called.

" With good reason, " I spat.

" Care to explain ? "

" Actually, I don't. I don't have anything to say to you, I thought I had already made that abundantly clear."

" You know, " he said with a meagre smile, " in normal circumstances I really couldn't care less about you. But you're acting like a bitch towards Roxy with no good reason and that I'm not going to stand for. "

" Oh really ? " I said, my words soaked with sarcasm. " And how do you expect me to support her in her decision, when after all, she's dating an asshole ? "

" At least I have the decency to insult you to your face !" he shot.

" And what do you call this ?" I shot back.

" I call this stubbornness ! You can't ever admit that you're wrong, that's what ! You always need to prove yourself, prove you're better than everybody else ! And you know what comes out of wanting to be the best- "

" Excuse me ! " I cried, outraged.

" Yes ! You want to be the best and you're losing your friends in the process. Roxy's bloody tired of your arrogance ! Do others even exist in your little world ? "

" Should I laugh or cry ? Please do tell me Potter, because I really am most terribly intrigued. Who am I talking to ? Who else than the most famous Quidditch player Hogwarts has probably ever seen ! The worst womanizer and player of all history ! The one who can't go from one classroom to another without hexing a couple Slytherins along the way ! Come on, do you never get tired of your egocentric self ? Always acting like you know everything there is to know, that you can get whatever you want whenever you want it ! And you want to talk about who wants to be the best, about arrogance ? "

" You're using the old arguments, Lily, " he declared with disgust. " The ones you've always used and that, I will admit, used to work. But you. Don't. Know. Me. You never have. All you've ever bothered to see is my bad side- "

" The only side you've ever shown me ! How can you expect me to suddenly like you when you've never given me a decent reason to ? "

" That's not true. It's not true and you know it. I've taken my share of responsibility since last year and that you can't deny. "

" Oh yeah ? What do you call last week ! " I found myself shouting.

" I tried talking this out with you but I got to a point where I was tired of running after some uncaring, ignorant idiot in the attempt to apologize when you gave the clear impression you didn't give a damn in the first place. Point is, I really like Roxy, and whereas I might have messed up every relationship I've had in the past, you're not going to ruin this one for me. Why can't you just accept the fact we're going out ? I don't know what it is with you, be it jealousy or a mere hit on your ego, who knows ? "

" You want to know why ? Because I don't trust you. I don't believe for a minute that there could be any honesty in your so-called-feelings towards her. "

A cry of disbelief escaped him : " You know it's pretty damn ironic I happen to be the only one you don't trust, the only one you can't forgive. And you're going to tell me it's my fault ? Well hell no, I'm not going to fall for that. I don't think it's just me anymore, you are naturally suspicious, you trust no one and then you can't accept for a second that someone might have something against you. Well here's news, Lils, everyone on this planet can't love you ! " he yelled.

" Well look here, Potter. You think you're so smart, hun ? Well like it or not, you don't know me either. If you had the slightest knowledge of who I am, you'd know I don't work for others. I don't work to please teachers and show everyone I have the best grades in this school ! I work because I have to, because my future, my life depends on it ! "

" You call what you're living a life ? You spend your weekends studying, you never go out. There's nothing beyond school for you is there ? " he exclaimed.

" That's not the point ! You have no idea what it's like to be a muggle born, Potter ! You've got it easy being a pureblood, respected even by your own enemies because they know that in the end, you can never be considered a piece of shit just because of the stupid nobility of the blood running through your veins ! "

" Am I blind, or is it you who can't you see the contradiction in your words ? One time you're saying you work for yourself, another you're saying it's to prove yourself as a muggle born, and therefore to prove yourself to others !"

" I don't care about proving myself to others ! "

" You're not making any sense…" he shook his head. " Unless… " He looked thoughtful for a minute, and suddenly the anger in his eyes turned to bewilderment. I feared what he was about to say.

" Don't tell me… you're starting to believe them ? "

" Well what do you expect, Potter ? " I said seething. " After all the insults, all the " you're worthless " all the time, you start… you start to doubt, " I spoke in all sincerity, an openness which surprised me.

" Lils… "

" Oh shut up ! " I cried. " If you ever gave a damn, you would have left me alone long ago ! Why did you come between Malfoy and me, Potter ? Why did you have to ruin this for me ! " I said, a lake of tears forming in my eyes.

" And why can't you admit you need people in life ? " he exclaimed. " You're always acting like you're Miss Absolutely Independent of the year ! "

" I certainly don't need you. " I spat.

" I never said the contrary ! " he replied, although I could see past his lying eyes.

" Well then why do you always come in at the worst of times ? You don't know what you did last week. No you've got no bloody idea, do you ? " I finally realized. " You humiliated me, Potter- "

" And I've apologized ! "

" I don't care for a lame excuse of an apology, damn it ! This is way past something I'll ever be able to forgive you. Yeah you changed; I'm the first to say so. You've gone past being an idiot. Now you're… you're… I can't even find the words to describe how far you've gone. You've turned mean and spiteful and… you've hurt me, worse than any other time, I hope you realize that. If you had left me with him, if only you hadn't gotten in the way I could have finally… " a tear slid down my cheek. Again, this was too much to handle.

Potter said nothing for a moment, as though considering me.

" Why do you feel the need to prove to Malfoy that you're not worthless ? " he said softly. " Why do you care about his opinion ? There are so many people out there who respect you for who you are- "

" Like you, is that it ? "

" Well yes. "

I scoffed in disgust : " If you had any respect for me, you would have had the decency to let me take Malfoy on. "

" And let him harm you ? "

" That's not your bloody problem, Potter ! It was my choice, you did not have a right to interfere just because you think I can't defend myself ! " I kept on shouting, finally expressing the thoughts that tormented my conscience since last weekend.

" You don't know what Malfoy's capable of, Lily ! You think his hexes are just typical ones he learns in prank books ? Now who else but his father could be one of Voldemort's lead followers ? Malfoy has been taught the dark arts since he was able to speak ! And what a nice opportunity for him to be alone with a muggle born such as yourself in the middle of an empty corridor. Hell he can use any curse he wishes, who will ever know he did it ? "

" I'd rather have been alone in that corridor than with you, " I said through clenched teeth.

" Excuse me for caring then ! "

" Well maybe you should stop caring ! Why do you persist in following me just so you can- " I stopped abruptly. The look in his hazel eyes told me it was a mistake.

" Wait, is this what this is about ? " he inquired incredulously. " You think I still love you and that's why I came between you and Malfoy? Stop dreaming and wake up to reality, Lily. I'm way over you. I'm not as stupid as you may think; I don't wait on people who couldn't give less of a damn about me. In fact I wasted enough time on you as it is. The only reason I interfered was because I was worried about a fellow Gryffindor, not about you. "

His eyes were ablaze, holding an unbreakable with mine, and were the worst implication of his frustration and revulsion towards me. For a full minute, his gaze didn't leave mine. Outside I was furious about what he had said, what he considered me to be. However, he hadn't spoken all lies and that had shattered me. But I'd have rather fallen dead on the spot than let it show and all I could use for protection was to hold his gaze, as hard as I could, a mask of strength against a reality of weakness.

" James, you in there ? " a voice called outside the common room.

Potter didn't respond.

" Prongs, open the door ! " the same voice pursued.

This time, his hazel eyes betrayed my emerald ones as he, wand in hand, made his way to the door.

" I hate you, " I said quietly, the deepest honesty speaking while he turned his back on me. He stopped dead in his tracks, a mere foot away from the entrance, as though my words haunted him like a curse. He spun around to my retrieving back as I climbed the stairs to the dorms for I knew, I just knew, that he'd have broken the spell cast on the door by the time I got there.

A/N : next chapter, stuff about what kind of awkward events happened the week before, concerning namely Liz. Please review !

Thanks to :

Amalynne O'Hara : hey thanks for reviewing, I'm sorry this took forever, I just wasn't inspired. I hope this chapter turned out ok, lots of love.

Jess : sorry I wasn't able to read your story but I'll make a deal with you. You tell me what's wrong with this story and I'll tell you what's wrong with yours, ok ? Hope you're spending a nice vacation !

Léa Meow of All Time : well I explained you all the Malfoy-Lily thing where Lily wasn't defending James but Malfoy. Otherwise, yeah I guess description isn't the best way to start a chapter if you look at in on a interest-the-reader level, but hey, wasn't the first chapter. Wait a minute, chapter 6 didn't even start with description hum… Thanks for reviewing anyway babe and for all the great advice, lol…

Flora : hey, thanks for reviewing. I'm glad you still like this fiction. Have a nice vacation !