Chapter 7

Phoenix Song

His back was to her as she entered the room. He looked out the window, head cocked at a thoughtful angle. She closed the door with a soft thud, but he didn't turn around. She stood just inside the doorway awkwardly. Her gaze roamed around the room, taking in the portraits that covered the walls, the new curious looking instruments that the headmaster had found since she had last been inside, and finally resting on the elegant scarlet bird on its perch.

It returned her gaze and trilled a few happy notes that made her smile. Then, much to her surprise, it lifted its wings in a careless manner and flew to her, settling on the chair back next to her. It cocked its head at her, an imitation of the man at the window.

"Hello, Fawkes," she murmured and gently stroked the friendly phoenix on the head.

Fawkes sang to her again. Dumbledore chose that time to finally turn around. Girl and bird looked at him with nervousness and curiosity respectively. He assessed the two over the top of his half-moon spectacles, a bemused smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye.

"I see my dear friend has welcomed you back before I have. Then again, he always has been the better host," he moved behind his desk and gestured for her to take a seat in the chair Fawkes balanced on.

She slid into the chair, reassured by his good humour. Surely, she thought, if he knew of her previous night's escapades he wouldn't be so genial. She smiled at him with confidence and said, "It's nice to see you again, sir."

He bowed his head to accept her comment then turned in his chair to face the window once more. Steepling his fingers he said in an offhand tone, "Such a pleasant day. It would be a shame to sit inside and waste its beauty. Fresh air does such marvels for headaches as well." He glanced sideways at her.

Her smile faltered, "Headaches, sir?" At that moment her head gave a painful throb, reminding her once more of her night.

"Mr. Potter mentioned something about you feeling unwell…" he started, a knowing look in his eyes.

"Yes," she said quickly, catching on. "Yes, the trip here this year seemed longer. I guess it took more out of me than usual."

"Ah, I see," he replied, an undercurrent of amusement in his voice. "But to get down to business. I don't feel like I need to list your duties as Head Girl. You have shown you are well versed in your responsibilities during your time as a prefect. Your job is very much the same, except now you have more power," he paused and smiled at her. "I have no worries that you'll abuse that power," she squirmed a bit when he said this, flashing on the first years, "But will help keep your fellow Heads in line."

He leaned closer and whispered, "I think Professor McGonagall is worried I've finally gone senile by appointing Mr. Potter as Head Boy. I think you can handle him though." He winked and returned to his former posture.

"Now, any questions?"

Lily slowly shook her head, shocked that she was apparently getting away with her late night crime. She felt a growing knot of guilt in her stomach. She had the urge to confess her rule-breaking and just accept the consequences.

"Is there something wrong, Miss Evans? Something you want to tell me?" Dumbledore asked, the light-heartedness gone from his expression and replaced with concern.

"I…er…" and then everything hit her like a wave crashing into a storm wall. Her parents' death, the shunning by her sister, the whispers from her classmates, last night's law-abiding slip, and the inexplicable kindness from the boy she loathed. All that she had been repressing for the past month flooded her conscious, triggered by her headmaster's kind words and, to Lily's horror, she began to weep in front of the man she respected most in the world.

She was disgusted with herself, but just couldn't stop. She buried her head in her hands, feeling her shoulders shuddering uncontrollably, and just hoped it would pass. Then, as from a great distance, she heard Fawkes begin to sing. It wasn't his usual jovial tune, but a slow, bitter-sweet waltz like tune that sounded vaguely familiar. It sounded as if the phoenix was telling her it was okay, that this was natural, as it should be. That death was a time to mourn a loss and also a time to rejoice in life.

As his song ended, so did her tears. She lowered her hands and saw that Fawkes' head rested on her knee. He chirruped at her when he met her eyes then ambled away. She raised her head to see that Dumbledore was now leaning against the front of his desk. A look of sadness and surprise played on his face. She gazed at him questioningly.

"I intended to offer you some comfort, but Fawkes, who surpasses me in wisdom, knew better," he explained then added softly, "He hasn't done that in a very long time."

He produced a handkerchief from the air and Lily took it appreciatively.

"I wish things were different, Lily. So many things I wish were changed in this world to make it an easier place for you and your classmates to grow up in." There was a deep sadness in his voice, and a troubled look of someone with too much knowledge in his eyes.

"Wishing will get us nowhere though. It rarely does, even when one does find a competent and nonmalevolent djinn around. We can only take action to improve our world. There is an…" he paused and looked at her.

Lily wondered what he saw. Probably what she felt like- a tear-stained young woman who was still very much as lost little girl.

He shook his head slowly and she heard him say softly, more to himself than her, "It will keep."

Dumbledore placed his hands on her tear soaked cheeks and said to her, "I cannot begin to imagine your pain, Lily. Your parents were good people who did nothing to harm others and held no malice to the world they were born into but couldn't take part in. In the few times I met them, I could see how you became such the outstanding girl you are. Though you can no longer see them, touch them, or hear them, remember- beyond this physical plane, there are others. We cannot begin to understand it. Perhaps it is enough to know that they continue to exist, both in their own way, and within our minds and hearts."

She nodded to show she understood, and she did, a little. He patted her cheeks in a grandfatherly fashion and turned once more to the window. Slowly, he started to chuckle. Lily turned to the window to see what was so amusing at this serious moment. She couldn't stop the grin that slowly spread across her face.

Four boys wearing nothing but swim trunks and goggles clung to their own tentacle of the Giant Squid while the creature waved them around, plunging them quickly into the water of the lake and then back into the air. Occasionally one was thrown from his mount but someone had put a spell around the lake that slowed a person's otherwise bone-breaking descent. She could recognize the shouts and laughter of Lupin, Pettigrew, Black, and Potter even from that distance.

"I'll have to put a stop to that before everyone decides it's a good way to cool off," Dumbledore commented with mock gravity. "Though I seem to remember doing something very similar when I was a pupil here, but with decidedly less…equipment on."

Lily snorted and he turned to smile at her.

"I think this meeting has taken longer than you may have wished. Go out and enjoy the last day before classes. Maybe take a ride on the squid before my responsible self returns from holiday."

She started for the door then turned, "Aren't you going to go out, sir?"

He sat behind his desk and gestured to a pile of paper, "Alas, I have to finish some paperwork that I have pretended didn't exist."

She nodded and as she stepped out the door hear him say wistfully, "It's times like these when I wish I had a stiff drink."

She froze and turned her head to look at him. He gave no notice of her continued presence, but she thought she saw him wink. With a slight shake of her head, she closed the door and hurried outside.

As she stood on the steps with the sun shining on her face and the sounds of laughter in her ears, she didn't feel as apart from everyone the night before. She felt as if she were on the brink of some great understanding. She nearly skipped down the steps to join the other spectators standing on the lakeshore and, for the second time that day, barrelled into someone.