Rain inside and out

A/N : Grab a cookie and a cup of mocha, and enjoy…

Chapter 9 : Origins and aftermath

I watched her from afar, completely disinterested by Trelawney's soporific rambling on premonitory visions. Truth be told, I never cared much for Divination.

North Tower looked neither like a tower, nor a classroom for that matter. It resembled more an attic long forgotten and only made inhabitable after several years of desertion. The wooden floor creaked with every step and the low ceiling only made you feel more at home : who doesn't love being confined ? The fumes emerging from the countless amount of incense sticks seemed to have but one purpose : test you on your capability of staying awake during this oh-so-much anticipated class that was, the art of Divination.

The curtains were drawn, disallowing sunlight to ever let its' warm streaks come through, as nature would have had it. The armchairs were dusty, the floor crawling with occasional spiders while the air seemed to hold some drowsy intoxicating scent, although whether my smell or my sight was failing me I couldn't tell. Did this intoxication come from the heavily perfumed hazy room, or from her mesmerizing beauty, every one of her features enhanced by the dim light simply because… she was the lacking light.

She was sitting at one of the tables closest to Trelawney, and if she heard the Professor fine, she just didn't seem to understand – or even want to understand – a word of her speech. She looked distant, staring into emptiness, as if nothing could have brought her out of her reverie. The dark circles under her eyes revealed her exhaustion and I couldn't help but blame myself.

I had always wanted to think I wanted nothing but her happiness, her own peace of mind. But arrogantly enough, I believed she'd be truly happy when we'd be together : I would be the one to make her infinitely happy. Oh, how ironic. All this time I had always put my interests before hers, no matter how many excuses I thought up in my head. When really, all that could make her happy was… for me to leave her be.

Lily Evans was sick of me, and Merlin knows I was sick of her.

Sick of the way she constantly brought me down, of the superior disdainful attitude she adopted when acknowledging my existence. That's why it had all come out a week ago and we hadn't talked since. I hated this girl for everything she had put me through for the past two years. She obviously saw what she wanted to see in me and nothing else. And she knew that to a certain extent, I was right for Merlin's sake.

I've wasted enough time on you as it is. I'm way over you.

Still, how could these words have possibly escaped me ? I lost control and all the pain I'd undergone, everything I hated about her came out, to make her hate me even more. An entire brawl, subsisting by her stubbornness and my idiocy, our hate, our incomprehension.

Call it a prediction, instinct or even fate, but no matter how violently we fought, the feeling that it wouldn't always be this way persisted in convincing me it would turn out fine. She was a bitch sometimes, but damn was she brilliant when she was one. It all came back down to how perfect she was in her imperfections, no matter how badly she hurt me. This time was different though and I went to Roxy after our argument, demanding we stopped our plan that was bound to disaster. That was the direction it was taking. But she insisted we pursue our efforts and assured that Lily, in time, would come.

" You're strong James, " she had said unknowingly.

" Strong ? I'm the weakest, Roxy. I've lied, I've… I don't deserve her, maybe she was right all along. I'm just an idiot -"

" Listen to me, " she said in the dead of the night, as if the world stopping to spin wouldn't have more importance than this, " She's not indifferent to you and this had to happen one day or another. Now give her time, persist in making her believe you don't care about her and you will win her heart. "

I yearned to be deaf, to give it all up and not worry about another thing in my life. I wanted to apologize but every attempt we had had at getting along with each other had failed. And honestly, she had been just as immature as me. Theses feelings of hope and determination I had claimed mine for the past two years were seeping out of my mind, to welcome confusion and uncertainty. However Roxanne Strider was convincing enough. We'd stick with the plan.

Still I longed for the days when Lily wasn't on my mind, when all I had to think about was the next prank I could pull on the Slytherins, the next Quidditch game or the next girl to date. She just made everything so much more complicated. She changed it all.

I doubt my story can be compared to any other. No, I didn't fall for Miss Evans the first time I laid my eyes on her, nor did I like her straight away. It wasn't love at first sight, and it certainly wasn't a typical perfect fairy tale either. Love's too complicated for either of them.

I barely noticed her at all for my first four years at Hogwarts. And if I did, it was to observe how her hand seemed to be constantly in the air during classes. If asked about her, I'd have told you she was nothing more than a bookworm who spent the majority of her time in the library, and did not know the meaning of the word fun. Oh yes, she was pretty, even when she was twelve. But that was nothing compared to what she grew up to be. Back then, she was nothing special to my eyes, just another Gryffindor whose world revolved around pleasing teachers with higher grades than is theoretically possible, and keeping the reputation of the good girl among the student body. She was the kind of person I avoided : too studious, too ordinary but most of all, too much like what everyone expected her to be.

Until third year, I can't say girls were part of my daily life in the first place. Honestly, I loved spending my time planning pranks with my friends and exploring the castle. Upon the discovery of Remus' lycanthropy which he managed to hide from us for a grand trimester, the rest of us decided to become Animagi in order to help him with his painful transformations. This gave us a common ambition and tightened the bond the four of us shared. This secret of sorts isolated us from the other students from the start and by sixth year, we had mastered our animal forms so that we could transform at will.

I'll never be more grateful of my family heritage than the day my father passed his Invisibility Cloak onto me. We would have never gone as far as we did without it.

Sirius, Peter, Remus and I, widely known as the Marauders since first year, always came up with the most tangled plans on how to lighten up the castle.

Sirius, our infinite source of imagination, conceived most of our ideas, thinking up the wildest things which we managed to materialize thanks to Remus' undeniable skill to think up the precise spells that would make our plans come to life.

Peter on his part, was a master of time and place. He could determine what difficulties we'd most likely come across : when would be the best time to set off the prank considering the movement of the staircases, the approximate number of students on each floor at different times and which teachers would be there to send us off to detention first. Except for entertainment in the Great Hall, we tried avoiding being anywhere near Dumbledore whenever a prank was pulled. We had too much respect and admiration for him to voluntarily exasperate him in public. McGonagall on the other hand, was one of our favorites. I was irreproachable when it came to Transfiguration and loved to see the look her face when she had to give her best student more detentions than she could count.

As grand member of the Marauders, I was to ripen our ideas from abstract to concrete form by performing all enchantments, spells, charms or hexes wherever they needed to be cast.

Needless to say, we spent innumerable hours scrutinizing all the prank books we could get our hands on, from the old classics to the recently written. Having grown up in a dark-magic-oriented family, Sirius was a great help when it concerned dark spells and how they could be used against us.

Although we tended to prank various students from every house, the Slytherins remained our main target, since most of them freely supported the attacks of Voldemort in the wizarding world. What we wanted, aside from our personal entertainment of course, was to allow the other students to forget what was going on outside, even for a minute, so they could get a good laugh and just… forget. All of us had grown up to Voldemort's uprising and, young as we may have been, we knew how to distinguish right from wrong. To say the least, the Slytherins were not on the right track.

We never did it to cause severe bodily harm, although we sometimes did prank students who didn't deserve it. In any case it was easier to think all Slytherins were bad, even though it wasn't something you could generalize, but we liked showing off, no matter how arrogant it made us seem. Students loved us for what we did, for our mischief, our insouciance of school rules which we broke with defiance without thinking about it twice.

We were only fourteen… but we were that good.

Of course, planning pranks and breaking all school records with our weekly detentions turned out to be insufficient, and ultimately unsatisfactory. We weren't fully exploiting our overflowing potential and simply wanted more. So at the start of fourth year, we decided to really take advantage of all this precious knowledge on the art of rule breaking.

We started inventing. Starting from scratch we stole from McKay's personal supply of potion ingredients, broke into the Restricted section of the library and used multiple charms to create various devices. Using the simplest muggle objects like pencils or wooden bowls to transfigure them into the desired final object was the safest route. Using complex items only increased the risks of having our home-made spells backfire and while the danger of exploring unknown territory was thrilling, getting expelled was certainly not the worst that could happen when messing around with magic. We weren't gods, and we knew it.

We realized by our constant exploring of the castle and its grounds that we not only wanted to pierce Hogwarts' many mysteries, we wanted all our findings on paper so students after us wouldn't be left clueless as to all those secret passageways once we had graduated. We wanted to leave our mark.

We eventually came up with the Marauder's map, which was by far our greatest invention. It took all of our knowledge of the castle grounds, advanced transfiguration and charms and a grand total of eight months to get it together.

My Marauder life was one thing, Quidditch was another. I joined the Gryffindor team in my second year, but it'd always been a passion since I was old enough to ride a broom. Flying always gave me the most incredible sensations. It was a way to clear my mind or to compete against others, making sure my talent didn't go unnoticed. The danger of it really, was enthralling. Being named captain in fifth year only gave me more responsibilities along with popularity.

Therefore I didn't take notice of the feisty redhead with wondrous emerald eyes until my fifth year, our fifth year. I'd been out with plenty of girls by that time, never really caring for any of them, unknowing of what love could possibly feel like. Not that it mattered. Our unspoken mission with Sirius was to date as many girls as possible, because with our Quidditch skills, splendid reputation and good looks, we could get any girl we wanted. I guess that's where Remus differed from us two. That's where his maturity and our idiocy shone through. But it also portrayed our undeniable charm : we played with girls but they didn't love us any less.

I'll always remember with a slightly sour taste in my mouth the first time I asked Lily Evans out. After all, she had changed from first year. Physically anyway, I wasn't exactly interested in what girls had on the inside. She had grown to have a couple admirers on her heels and I sure wasn't about to let them get to her before I did.

I had put on my best seductive grin that day, as I pleasantly asked her if she wanted to go to Hogsmeade with me.

She scoffed, " No. " The revulsion in her voice made my mind go blank.

" Come again ? "

" I said no, Potter, I'm not interested. "

I stood there, my grin fading and mouth slightly open in shock, not entirely understanding what was happening. Was I being… rejected ?

" What - " I stuttered. " What kind of an answer is that ? "

She rolled her eyes and sighed loudly before leaving me stranded on the spot.

Since that day I've been determined to make her fall for me. She would not get away with refusing to go out with me, hell no. So I did what any arrogant-overly-confident guy would do : I showed off, thinking it had to make me look good and therefore she'd have to decide she liked me one day or another. When she didn't I started bugging her personally : surely she'd give in just because she was tired of me following her around.

It didn't work. In fact she hated me even more. I betrayed myself by acting superior. Obsessed with the idea of pleasing her, I lost myself in the game of being someone I wasn't.

In sixth year Remus persuaded me to give up. Who cares if I don't get Lily Evans ? She's nothing special anyway. So I tried. The unexpected thing was that… I couldn't do it. I could stop talking to her and not think about her just as easily as I could live without breathing.

That's when I started seeing her under a new light. I was paying attention to what she said, what she did, what she was interested in. And it turned out I didn't want to go out with her because she had refused me, but because, as crazy as it seemed, I had fallen for her. Now it was never supposed to happen that way. She was supposed to fall for me, not the other way around.

But in the end, it was something I couldn't fight off. She was not only strikingly good-looking, she was beautiful on the inside, and I wanted to discover that beauty. She had that fire burning in her, but every time I got too close, I got burned. She had that spark that made me want to spend every minute of the day with her. She was smart and caring but used her intelligence and cares to hex me. She had grown up and did what she wanted, like a caged dove broken free. It was that exact freedom I desperately wanted to possess. She hadn't given in to me because she was fierce and incredibly obstinate, which was no more a bad than a good thing.

I was determined to make her fall for me for the mere reason that I couldn't get her out of my head. Every time she was threatened I wanted to protect her and be there for her so she would know… just how much I cared.

Problem was, she couldn't stand the sight of me. Ever since day one she had this fixed image of me that could not evolve under any circumstances. Therefore we got into the worst arguments which often ended up with her storming off cursing me at the top of her lungs. I had my flaws, but by never acknowledging anything but, she made it impossible for us to keep a one minute conversation going.

Every one of her refusals was another blade cutting through my heart. I reproached her with never giving us a chance, while she claimed I never did anything to deserve one. And thus it went on, month after month, every plan I could come up with to get her to like me failing to demolish the high unyielding walls she had built around herself.

Which got me questioning one of the strangest things to have occurred to me : how could I possibly have fallen for someone with whom I practically never got along ?

The answer wasn't that farfetched. Someone once said there was a very thin line between hate and love.

That person wasn't wrong.

o-o-o-o

Yet another breakfast at the same table in the same Great Hall. I kept poking at my food, watching the swirls I made distractedly in my porridge. And strangely I noticed that no matter how I spun that spoon, some things, like circles, truly never end and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it.

Then I felt grateful everything in the world wasn't like swirls in porridge.

I wasn't hungry. I was simply at loss as to what to think. I could take this confrontation with Potter as a fight among others. After all we fought a lot, we always disagreed. Well that was last year, and the year before... Now it's all changed.

It was so much more than a fight among others, why deny it ? I remember his face contorted with anger, his eyes shining bright from the mere will to spit anything he could at my face. He just didn't understand… and yet he understood better than anyone else. He couldn't see my need to prove myself, yet he was the first to see through it. I guess it was time to realize that no matter the topic of conversation, both of us would always find a way to support the opposite of each other's point of view. And Potter, as unwilling as I was to acknowledge it, wasn't all wrong. I was stubborn and I was… no worse than him really !

In a way I was simply disgusted. How could he presume he knew everything about me ? But how could I presume he knew less than he did ? Why was I so open to him anyway ? He was cold and sharp in the way he spoke, brutal truths and shocking lies taking form from the tip of his tongue to reach my deaf ears. He was done with me. It's what I'd always wanted, right ? He'd be leaving me alone, and maybe I wouldn't feel so miserable. I just didn't know how much more I could take.

In class I mostly sat next to Adriane or Liz. Roxy and I would occasionally end up together late at night in the common room, where we'd finish an essay or a chart, sometimes making small talk by the fire's dancing flames. I needed her and she needed me, but being together like this was enough for now, considering my rejection of recent events and her incomprehension of my reactions that I made no effort to justify.

I used to enjoy breakfast. Back in the days when I didn't lack so much sleep. When things were normal and not constantly changing. When the Daily Prophet didn't have headlines such as " 17 dead at Rosendale Lake attack ".

Like today. A tawny owl dropped the paper on my lap and flew out the Great Hall with a horde of black and brown feathers. Gasps escaped every table ( except the Slytherin's ) and a short Ravenclaw third year girl stood up, the paper slipping from her thin fingers as she looked down on it with unexpected disbelief, her eyes glistering with unshed tears.

Several hooded figures, otherwise known as Death Eaters, apparated on the camping site of Rosendale Lake in Yorkshire around midnight last night, attacking the local inhabitants and setting tents and cabins on fire. Employees of the Ministry of Magic working in the Sports department, Sarah and Henry Hales both aged 38, died bravely during the battle and they shall be dearly missed. But luckily, they were the only wizards out of the seventeen people killed.

" The unfortunate success of this attack, " Chief Auror Julian McNair announced, " was essentially based on the element of surprise detained by the enemy. "

Minister of Magic Nigellus Blake arrived on the scene this morning after last night's events, declaring the people responsible for this "unforgivable act of violence" would be severely punished when caught. John Henrick, healer at St Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries, is said to have been seen hooded in the darker surrounding streets after the attack by someone who wished to remain anonymous. He is currently under arrest as the investigation continues.

Just as the Ravenclaw girl ran out, Liz came into the Great Hall. She saw the girl hurry past her and sensed the sudden unease that had claimed the atmosphere of the room. She launched herself on the first newspaper she could get her hands on. She just knew, strangely looking as if she had always known…

Her eyes widened as she read the headline. She read the article quickly, hands shaking and color draining from her face. Finally she pounded her fist on the table and threw the newspaper back at whomever she had taken it from before storming out of the Great Hall.

I followed her out.

" Liz ! " I called as I pulled the front doors open a moment after they'd closed raucously shut. Her stride was much faster than usual and if she had heard me, she splendidly ignored me. She fell beside a tree trunk by the shore of the lake, her face flushed and eyes alight with fury.

I sat down beside her. Maybe I shouldn't have. Maybe I should have never come. But there I was, and there was no going back inside without her.

" It's unfair, " she said after moments of silence. " It's… it shouldn't be accepted the way it is. As thought it were normal, a daily routine. "

" I know, Liz, " I said, edging closer to her.

She looked straight ahead towards the lake, fog a thin layer above the surface of the water and a high wall hiding the grounds from view on the opposite shore.

" I could have helped them, these poor people. I could have done something. They weren't even armed for Merlin's sake ! They were muggles and that was their sole bloody reason for dying ! "

" It's not your fault, Liz. You couldn't have prevented it, " I said.

" But - "

She didn't finish that sentence.

" What ? "

" I hate standing there while people are dying is all. " She threw a nearby stone into the water. Ripple after ripple spread out in ever-growing circles from where it had fallen, until they reached the shore, disappearing as though having never existed.

" But why this article, Liz ? " I urged.

Still she didn't look my way. I could tell her anger was rising.

" It's... it's a constant reminder of – but I guess it's my own fault for not accepting it by now, right ? " She gave a cold ironic laugh before her face turned serious again. " I've just had enough of these attacks and standing there powerless while everything happens under my nose. I want to kill those fucking Death Eaters sometimes. They don't deserve to live, they don't even deserve a Dementor's kiss ! I mean, how low do you sink when you decide to join the dark side ? How can you live with yourself after having tortured a five year old whose mother is watching you do it ? " she said viciously before throwing her head back as her eyes slipped closed. " I can't take it, I just can't take it. "

" And asking so many questions won't benefit you, " she added when I said nothing.

" I'm just trying to understand ! " I said perplex.

" If you knew… Merlin, if you knew. The world's an ugly and dangerous place. I don't want to be responsible for whatever danger you might have to face because of me. "

" Ignorance is far more dangerous than understanding ! "

" You have to trust me, Lily, " Liz said in a low, almost desperate voice. " You can't enter my world. You can't- play my game. Because you won't get out. You have to trust me. "

" I need to know, " I said.

Liz slowly shook her head at my obstinacy : " Why do you want to know everything ? Can't you see I'm doing this for you, for you. "

" Well, I'm tired of having everyone wanting to protect me. It's like I've gone back to being a child and I can't do anything on my own. No one allows me the freedom I deserve ! And has it ever crossed your mind that maybe I'm worried about you ? "

She smiled then, a tired smile that seemed not to have escaped her lips for too long.

I sighed : " You're so secretive, Liz. "

" I know. "

" It scares me. "

" I know that, too. "

What more could I have possibly done ? Looking back at it, remorse makes me pull my hair out and scream : " So much, you idiot ! Anything, in fact, to prevent –"

But no one could have known. No one except maybe Eliza Claythorne herself.

As October eagerly awaited its transformation into November but hadn't quite achieved it yet, the days turned colder, which got one student sick and thus half the school contaminated. After a week of throbbing headaches, partly due to the cold, otherwise due to my friends' inflexible attempts at getting me to the hospital wing, I eventually did get to the hospital wing.

" Now I'm warning you, Mr. Lessing, " Ms Pompfrey's stern voice was heard from inside the ward as I was about to turn the doorknob. " one more broken nose and I'll be personally complaining about you to the headmaster. "

Then it hit me. Lessing. Jason Lessing, the Ravenclaw Prefect ! I stepped back just in time as the wooden doors flew open and the fifth year came out, mumbling a thanks and a goodbye as he left. I called him back.

" Hey Lily, how have you been ? " he asked good naturally, his brown curls falling into his eyes.

" Oh just fine. I wanted to ask you… you were in the hospital wing last Friday morning, right ? "

" Yeah, I um… got my nose broken again, " he explained with a grin.

" Were you alone ? "

" What do you mean ? " he gave me a confused look.

" Were there other students in the Hospital Wing at all ? " I pressed.

He considered the idea for a moment, then said, " No, none at all. I stayed there all morning and I didn't see anyone. "

I thanked him and stepped inside the Hospital Wing, submerged by a new feeling of disappointment. Liz, secretive ? What an understatement.

Thanks to :

Jess : well here it is, hehe ! Thanks for reviewing !

Not so sour Lemons : you asked why Roxy and James are still going out if he's given up on Lily. See chapter 8 was a step back in time. In chronological order, first there was the Malfoy incident where James comes into Malfoy and Lily's duel ( chapter 6 ) then there was the week following that where Lily has her suspicions about Liz ( chapter 8 ) and then at the end of that week, there's Lily and James' fight ( chapter 7 ). Hope that makes sense, lol. I hope this chapter has given you an answer anyway. In brief, James hasn't given up on Lily it was a lie to pursue his plan with Roxy. Thanks for reviewing !

Amalynne O'Hara : I love your reviews, they just make me smile. Liz is acting really weird and she's not going to stop, lol. I realize that it's taken me almost three months to update this chapter, eeek. I'm going to go through an editing phase during the summer and hopefully I'll be writing chapters 10-12 as to update once a month. Thanks for reviewing, ma chérie ! ;)

Fairy-GYAKUTENNO-MEGAMI : what would be the point of this story if Lily were just to open her eyes as you say ? But don't worry, she will eventually ;) Thanks for reviewing !