A Week in a Madhouse

By: Ayanagami (… What to change it to…?)

Warnings: Shounen Ai, my oh-so-famous humor, cussing, and a gender challenged Seifer – except he's not confused about his gender.

Story: Squall grew up with Seifer. He hates him. Now he has to spend a week in the same house, with no one around, and a lifetime of bad memories. What kicks it? Seifer is convinced that Squall is a girl.

Day One: First Day Homicide

Scratch that order on the gun and uno ammunition. I want some proximity mines and some riot gear. I am not going to survive this.

Either I'm going to kill him, he's going to kill me, or I'm going to kill the both of us. I officially hate my parents, by the way, and when they come back... well, I'm sure I can find some sharp objects so they can get the 'point' of what I feel right now. Which is resentment and extreme anger. Ever want to snap someone's fingers in half one by one? Or stick their hand in a blender? Yeah, that's how I'm feeling right now.

"Now I know why you always look so angry – listening to this shit, I'd be angry, too" – Note, this has to be the most empathetic thing he's ever said to me in my entire life. "I heard that you lose brain cells listening to this crap."

"That 'crap' is Nine Inch Nails." I growled and reclaimed my loved CD. "And you can keep your hands off my stuff, thank you."

"Ugh, what kind of name is Nine Inch Nails? Sounds like a bunch of losers to me."

"You're a loser. Nine Inch Nails is better than any music you could throw on the table."

"Pffft... Fifty Cent beats it without batting an eye."

I rolled my eyes. "Fifty 'sense', as in how many brain cells they have left before they're below the national 'shoot me, I'm an imbecile' law gets them?" I answered, then, with my CD case in hand, stalked upstairs. Guess what? Because the prick's (:cough: Seifer :cough:) house has better security system, we're staying at his place. Which means, the first morning I woke in this godforsaken house was with Seifer sitting on my bed going through my stuff, commenting on it like he owned the world.

The initial conversation went like this;

"What the hell are you doing."

"Nothing."

"Like hell. Get out of my stuff."

"Nah, my house, my rules."

"Yeah, my fist, your face."

"Touchy. You have crappy clothes."

"Well, excuse me Mr. Fashion King."

"Actually, your clothes are almost inexcusable. Except for the fact that you're wearing them, that is. Which brings them even lower."

"Shut up and go away."

He ignored me, of course.

"And all your clothes are black.... what, are you Gothic, or something."

"The most Perceptive Person in all the Universe Award goes to... Seifer Almasy." I muttered, curling back up into a ball and attempting to go back to sleep.

"Hey, get up, it's morning."

"Yeah, for crack addicts and escaped convicts. But for us normal folk, on a Saturday morning, it's still sleepy time." I yawned, trying to ignore him. It worked. Until he started poking me in the ribs. I'm not ticklish, but him touching me pissed me off pretty bad. Needless to say.... I woke up. And that's how the day progressed... all throughout the house...

Back to the most recent argument... Seifer followed me up the stairs. His quietness unnerved me. It unnerved me enough to turn around just before I got to the second floor landing, to see his eyes looking at my ass. Well, they were looking at my ass before I turned around.

"What the hell?!" I don't think I needed any other justification for my next action... which was to lift my leg, plant my foot on his shoulder, and then... shove him down the stairs. I didn't even bother waiting to see if he would live through the fall – the sound of his surprised cry and his body thudding down the stairs was music enough to me.

"You walk like a girl." He cried weekly from the first floor. Obviously, he was still alive, right? I went back to the stairs, took off my shoe, and threw it down at him. Years of throwing things at him (did I ever tell you about the numerous times he's walked in on me naked? Luckily, there always seemed to be large amounts of lethal projectiles lying about) made me a pro. It hit him in the face.

"That's a sorry excuse to stare at my ass! AND I'M NOT A GIRL!"

So I locked myself in my temporary bedroom.

-

Lunch time. I-don't-want-to-leave-the-safety-of-my-room time. Before I tell the tale of How Seifer Almost Got His Hand Shoved Down a Food Disposal, let me first fill you in on the tale of How Seifer Got a Scar Across His Face.

A few years back... hmmm... maybe when I was fifteen... a year after the whole 'groping' incident... (I still shudder... and twitch... at the memory) my family was going to the State Fair... with his family... (apparently the alcohol nearby was incredibly good... and they thought that Seifer and I actually got along. Yeah... sure... like a ferret and a mountain lion.) They had sent Seifer up to see if I was ready yet... and I had just stepped out of the shower, facing my closet, about to grab a pair of jeans when he... RIPPED MY TOWEL FROM AROUND MY WAIST! Well, my pocketknife was on my dresser, which was right next to me, and when I react to 'attacks' I react quick and... ferociously. Needless to say, I owe a good deal of pure sadistic satisfaction to that knife. Revenge is sweet.

I had to physically hold back my grin that day, happiness almost too much for me to keep inside... Seifer had to walk around the fairgrounds with bandages on the wound the whole day, like a dork. Revenge is sweet!

Back to now.

I took a nap, waking up at around one in the afternoon, pretty much. I'm not ashamed of saying it – I love sleeping. It's the best damn thing in the world, in my opinion. Passes the time, keeps you from thinking, and, if you're in pain, pretty much blots that out, too. Yes, sleep was invented by a very smart, very good person.

My stomach was having an interesting argument with my brain, insisting that I was hungry. My brain was a little hesitant, though... for all of maybe three seconds. Then I made my way downstairs to the kitchen, stomach trying to sing opera.

"Hey, princess. Finally wake up?" Assailed me as I walked through the kitchen door – without thinking, I balled up my fist and buried it in his stomach, ignoring as his body thudded to the ground.

"I told you – I'm not a girl, you stupid fucking prick."

He just groaned from where he lay on the floor.

Cool. Guess I can punch pretty hard, huh? I usually never end in punching someone; usually because no one ever bothers me, and no one, if they bother me, pisses me off as much as him.

"I suppose it's too late to tell you that that mouth of yours is going to land you some trouble." I commented, opening the fridge. Oh, I was in luck today. Not only did I get to punch Seifer, but right in front of me was one of those Deli sandwiches I just love... and two different boxes of sodas. Coolness. I grabbed a soda and that wonderful sandwich, then leaned against the sink, unwrapping and uncapping. I watched detachedly as Seifer took a few deep breaths, then peeled himself away from the kitchen floor.

He looked at me. He opened his mouth. I raised an eyebrow and he shut it.

"Good choice." I praised him like the good little puppy he was... now if only I could get him fixed like a dog... My day would be complete.

"Are you PMSing or something?" Seifer suddenly asked, making me pause and blink.

Did I ever tell you how much I hate him?

I ignored him and turned around, looking out the window while eating. Maybe, if I ignore him, he'll go away.

I got halfway through my sandwich before I realized he was standing behind me... I wasn't sure what he was doing, but I could vaguely see his reflection in the window. I could only assume that it was something stupid. I put down my sandwich and turned to face him.

"What?" I asked, glaring.

"Have you ever worn one of your mother's dresses?" He asked.

I groaned and covered my face with my hands, slumping my shoulders. "All the stupidity in the world collected in one person..."

"I'm not stupid, little miss man." I looked up and warned him with narrowed eyes. Nu-uh, don't go there, girlfriend... (There's no way in HELL that I'd say that... it'd give him ammunition.)

"Make another crack like that and I'm shoving your hand down the food disposal."

He gave me a look that could only be described as 'you've got to be kidding me' and proceeded to seal his fate. I'll spare you exactly what he said, because he overuses it anyway, and it's gotten sad. So I snatched up his hand, spun around and jerked him forward as I switched the disposal on. His hand was almost inside when he reacted and wrenched his arm out of my grip.

I guess he did it too hard, or I let go too easily, cause he tripped over a chair and landed on the floor for the third time that day. I blinked. I was a little surprised. One moment, I can almost taste sweet revenge, then next, Seifer's on the ground, but he still has his hand. I looked down. He twitched a bit.

"You ate my sandwich."

I snorted as I left the room, suddenly not hungry anymore. "Ask me if I care."

-

I spent the rest of the day... guess where? My room. Seifer wasn't worth the energy to listen to – in an effort to keep him from popping into my room uninvited whenever he felt the need, I moved one of the dressers to bar the door. Hm. So, what if some psycho killer came through the window, then? Well, I'd be dead, cause there was no way in hell that I was going to move the piece of fucking furniture. Yes, I'd risk my life to stay away from the Prick of the World.

Not that I was paranoid about psycho killers or anything...

I flopped down onto my bed after I moved the dresser and stayed there, where it was, I assumed, safe, for quite some time. Then, almost spasmodically, I turned onto my back with a groan, realizing that I had school tomorrow. No... wait... This was a good thing! It was much easier to avoid Seifer at school than when in the same house as him. I only had one class with him (believe me, I had tried to transfer out immediately, but, apparently, the explanation that 'You try having a class with the biggest dick in the known universe,' didn't work) and I rarely ever saw him during lunch... and when I did, it was only when Rinoa tried to get me acquainted with the sun.

Okay, so... I... kind of like Rinoa. You know, just a tiny little crush, but apparently, she likes someone else, so I've never told her. We're still friends, though... Just friends. Best friends, albeit, but only friends.

Man, life sucks. Mine in particular.

-

Right… well. I still have errors. And that sucks. Sigh. So depressed… I wish I hadn't been the one to write this. That way, I could read it and it would cheer me up. Second chapter actually isn't that good. I just noticed this. Hm.