Disclaimer: I own no one. Duh.
A/N: Random drabble, listening to 90's music. For some reason I felt the urge.
The Hardest Thing
It was killing him. This wasn't how things were supposed to be happening. Nothing in his life was turning out he expected it to, and now he was faced with the impossible task. He had to lie to the woman he loved more than anything; he had to force her to hate him, and he had to leave her behind. He had to make her think that he no longer cared for her, and that they were never supposed to be together. And it was causing his heart to shatter with each passing second.
Why had he been so stupid? Why had he done the one thing that he was no regretting. It had been a foolish act, and one that was causing him to change his life forever. But what else was there to do, he had literally made his bed and laid in it. Now he was going to be a father, and there was no way he could escape that obligation. There was no way that he could turn his back on the woman who was now carrying his child, and so he was faced with the worst conclusion that he could too. He had to leave Marissa, there was no way around.
And that task was causing him to want to die more than anything had in the world. He was still amazed at how he was able to stand there, and watch her sob. He had shattered her heart, and he could nothing to fix that. Her mascara cascaded down her face, making her look dark and gorgeous. All Ryan wanted to do was pull her into his arms, and kiss her and assure her that he would think of her every moment of every day. There would not be a second of his day that was not focused on her, and how he wished he could be with her. But he could not tell her that, he could not touch her. He had to make her believe that he did not love her. It would be harder now, cause her pain, but she would be able to move on. She would be able to find someone else in her life, and be happy. And future that would never happen for him.
"You're lying," she sobbed to him, burying her face in her hands, and begging for him to refute his words. "I know you still love me." She knew that he had to, she could not allow herself to believe otherwise.
I do, Ryan said to himself, but on the outside he just shook his head hopelessly. He could not say the words again, and he prayed that Marissa would spare him having to repeat it. But the woman he desired so greatly would not let him off easily. She knew him, she knew every inch of his soul, and she could tell that this was killing him as much as it was killing her. But as much as she knew him, she could not read him mind, and her brain was racked with reasons why he could be doing this.
"Tell me again," she commanded, determined to make him retract his statement, determined to have him pull her close and assure her that he loved her. "Tell me again, Ryan. Look me in the eye and tell me again." Her tone was hoarse but strong, angry, and full of pain.
His blue eyes fell on the ground. He would have to tell her. He would have to make her believe, he had to be calm, emotionless. There was no way that he could let her know how much she meant to him, how she was his life his everything. But he had made up his mind. He had to do this, it was what was right. The one thing that his mind could not grasp was that if this was right thing then how was it hurting so much. He had to end this, he could be here any longer.
Forcing himself to look up, and forcing him to be strong he looked into the blue eyes that he had stared into so many times before. He looked at the face that he had kissed, and touched, and held, and he fought back the tears that were filling his eyes. "I don't love you," he muttered, feeling himself die with the words.
The shattered look returned to Marissa's face, and the tears flowed freely again. He was doing what was best for her, she had been so good to him, and now he had to let her go. She deserved better than him, and he was giving it to her. He was tied up, unable to escape the problem he had but himself in, and there was no way of getting out of them. She mouth opened and closed slowly as if she was trying to process what she was thinking, but no words could come out. Finally she just shook her head, and walked away, the tears flowing freely, and her heart in a million pieces.
Ryan watched her head off, his heart empty, and alone. He knew this was what was supposed to happen, and it was best for her, but that didn't change the way he wished that he could spend forever with her instead of Theresa. There was nothing he could do though. There could be no happy ending.