OK, I know this story sounds weird, but that is because it's actually a series of essays written for (get ready for this) Chemistry class. Why? Good question.
Awesome! Nonalagy Saga. Yay!
Anyways, I decided to write a fantasy story since I'm taking Fantasy this year, but I have a twist! I am going to steal as many things and ideas from as many sources as possible: Internet, video games, movies, books, you name it! I've added another page called footnotes to avoid copyrights problems.
In a land called Gnop(1), everything that can happen will happen. First child is always lucky; the second is always unlucky(2), and Deep Blue(3) determines the rests' fate. So it was only obvious that the young and the restless wanted to leave such a straight-forward place. Mona, girl, third child, and her brother, Don, were one of them. Mona said, "Let's hitchhike." They went outside, and put their thumb up. A vehicle that looked more like a sausage than anything else popped up to lift them, and sends them to Destiny Island(4) because rumors say it's a cool place. While going there: "What's an island?" asks Mona.
"It's a land that's surrounded by the oceans," answered the driver.
"What's an ocean?"(5) asked Mona again.
"It's where there's water as far as the eye can see,"(5) answered the driver. They approached to a dock named Rogue Port(6). "Money?" asked the driver. "Here," said Don, giving ten rupees(7), knowing very little that that's all he has. "D'oh!"(8) he cries, "now I have to make money…"
"Maybe you can sell something in a shop," suggested Mona.
"I've got nothing to sell!" cried Don, "hey…what's a Trouble Center?" Mona looked where Don was looking. "Hmph!" she said, "dunno. Let's check it out." As they went in, Mona asked, "anyone here?" From the desk, a voice said, "Hi. This is the Trouble Center. You take on a Trouble on the board, accept it, and take care of it to get your money. Or prize. Or whatever." The voice also added, "Also, if you fail to solve the problem, you'll have to compensate(9)!" As bad as that sounded, Don accepted it immediately. He took one that said, "Save my land!" because it sounded like he'd get a great prize. "The person in trouble wants you to meet him behind a Warp Pipe(10) nearby," the voice said. The two exited the Center, and then looked for what looked like a pipe. Surely enough, a fat man in red with a gold crown awaited them. "How'd you get there, you weren't there before!" asked Don.
"I was spying," replied the man, "anyways, my name is Nohanson Hyrule(11). I want you to find my sunken land underwater(13)."
Mona stared, "Your property," she gulped, "sunk?"
"Yes, and at a very deep spot, I'm afraid. You need to provide me a ship," explained Nohanson.
Mona and Don looked at each other.
"We've got no ship," they replied.
"Well, then! That's too bad!" said Nohanson as he turned around.
"Woah!" he cried, "Where did this black box come from?" Indeed, a black box(13) randomly appeared in front of Nohanson, along with a black key(12).
"Open me!" cried the box, "It would help because—"
"OK!" Nohanson suddenly cried as he stabbed the black key into the keyhole.
"Wha, huh? Oh, no wait," the box said. Then suddenly, the box cried, "FOOLS! You idiots fell into my trap, and now you shall be cursed! Oogly Poogly Poo!(12)" It cursed Nohanson, turning him into a red boat with a large head. "Wa ha ha! Look how pathetic you look! Isn't this curse the most curse-worthy curse anyone had ever cursed the curse on you?(12)"
"That's a lot of curses there," commented Mona.
"Waaaah!" cried boat Nohanson, not because the curse was bad, but rather because he felt really stupid, and that made him feel bad.
"Ha!" continued the black box, "I knew it! You might turn back to a person if you press B!(12) But just maybe!" Then the box grew silent.
"Where's the B button?" whimpered boat Nohanson.
Don, ignoring his question, commented, "Woah, you look like a boat!"
"I am a boat," replied Nohanson, angrily, "oh wait, here's the B button…" Suddenly, the boat turned back to a man. "Phew," he said, "now, where was I? Oh, yes, about the ship—"
"We're using you," Mona and Don said boldly. Nohanson whimpered. They walked up to the dock, and forced Nohanson to turn into a boat again so that they can set sail. "Onwards!" they both cried. "To Hyrule!" the boat added. They departed very slowly. Finally, Don whined, "we're going, like, (5) miles per hour(11)! Can't you go any faster?"
"No; should we go back?" asked the boat, a bit hopeful.
"Keep on sailing!" said Mona in a low voice. Don and Nohanson groaned.
And so they reached Destiny Island in 32 hours. Mona asked human Nohanson, "So what are we going to do here?" Nohanson replied, "We're going to find someone who knows where Hyrule is," then seeing Mona's clueless face, "don't worry, half-elves lives here. One of them got to be smart enough to know where Hyrule is."
Before we get any further, though, let me explain something about elves. Elves are, of course, very intelligent people who, unlike most humans, have pointy ears. At least, they thought they were intelligent: what they didn't know was that there were actually 16 kinds of intelligence(14), none of which I can remember, and neither can the elves. Anyways, some humans can somehow remember all 16 of those, which made all the elves really sad because they couldn't, despite of being intelligent, because, you see, their intelligence is strongest at control over mind and body, making them professional yoga artists, than memorization. In fact, their yoga skills are so powerful, they can live up to as long as a tortoise, survive without eating nor drinking for a month, and defy gravity. End of their history. As you can tell, humans have the minds of theory, and basically, the half-elves get to enjoy both (human and elf) of their worlds. In fact, the combination boosts their ability so much that they could even defy the Law of Conservation of Mass and Energy (thus, magic). Of course, if they roamed the earth right now, by Law of Darwinism, they would have taken over the world in days. To prevent this, half-elves sets their own body to 1) be fertile only to other half-elves, and 2) allow only one male half-elf to be born every hundred years(15). Therefore, half-elves are mostly females and rarely a male.
And just as I was explaining all this, Nohanson already found a half-elf who knew where Hyrule has sunk, and they both went off to the ocean to find it. Mona and Don were left behind with 5,000 rupees(7), because they solved the trouble. "Let's go eat," said Don as they went to the closest Pub. As they sat down and ordered the Talisman Hamburger(16), Mona couldn't help but notice a mysterious hooded person(17) sitting in the corner, staring at them. She whispered to Don, "He's staring at us." "Fwah?" asked Don with his mouth full of Talisman Hamburger(16). "Eww," she answered. She decided to ignore the figure after all.
After paying 30 rupees(7) for the Talisman Hamburger, they walked out, and were caught by surprise of the sudden chaos outside. Everyone was screaming in fright as a gigantic tripod figure(18) appeared, shooting rainbow laser rays(18) at everyone. "RUN!" said a hairy dwarf as the laser shot him square, literally disintegrating him into dust(18). "Ahh!" screamed Mona, but neither she nor Don could move by fright. Suddenly a loud voice screamed, "IDIGNATION JUDGMENT!(19)" Thunderbolts struck the tripod seven times, and to add the insult, a gigantic twenty-story sword made by light and lightning sliced(19) the machine in half. And the machine disintegrated. Mona and Don looked, around. The voice belonged to the hooded figure Mona saw in the pub, except this time his hood was off. Or rather, her hood was off: the hooded figure was a half-elf. "A deadly object you have there," she said. Don looked at her cluelessly. "What do you mean?" he asked.
"Well, one of those 'rupees(7)'," the half-elf explained, "you have is actually a chaos emerald(20). It's ridiculously powerful."
"And who would want this?" Mona asked.
"That I will reveal later. We have to run, now; it isn't safe being in one spot!" The three made a mad dash as far away from the pub as possible. They stopped at a field to take a rest when Don noticed something fall from the sky. "What's that?" he asked, and then he answered his own question, "they're bodies!" Actually, they were pirates(21). Many of them fell from the sky, and when they hit the ground, they bounced three times like a rag doll thrown with force. It was very disturbing, but they survived, apparently because "they were pirates, and therefore awesome"(21). "Harrgh!" one of them growled at the three. "My name is Boo Radley(22). I was born from an egg before fire was invented(23). Sooo, what you have there, mate?" he looked curiously in an evil way. "Uhh…chaos emerald," answered Don. "Idiot!" cried the half-elf at Don's stupidity, but the pirate facial expression suddenly turned aghast. "Holy mother," he said, "That thing could cause the gravitational shift on all the planet and stars, causing a supernova, and destroy the whole universe(24)!" Mona stared at the pirate, then at the unnamed half-elf in surprise. She could tell by both of their expression the pirate was telling the truth. And as if the timing was just right, the pirates' flying ship fell with a large explosion immediately after Mona saw the danger they were going to have to face. "Wha— What is your name, madam?" Boo asked the half-elf politely. "Misha," she answered, then used the moment to threaten Boo: "Have any fast-moving transportation? Give us none, and we shall detonate the universe using this emerald."
Boo said, "Urr…yes, but it isn't very comfortable…"
"Anything will do fine," Misha answered.
"Very well, then," he said, "But don't complain." He walked back to his burning ship for a moment, disappeared into the flames, and then came back with a winged dragon(25). "Here," he said. Don stared at the dragon uneasily. "Is that a beefy arm coming out of that dragon's neck(25)?" he asked.
Mona was doing the same thing: "And that angry eyebrows(25) doesn't look trust-worthy."
Misha was also staring: "And that S-shaped body(25) and small wings(25) doesn't look good for aerodynamics."
Boo answered, "Nonesense! This Trog Dor(25), old dog, flies better than any bird, even a hummingbird!" They all rode the dragon uncomfortably. "To the west!" cried Misha, and the dragon flew due west.
The dragon had to cross many seas, so it was a while before they reached their destination. When they did, Misha explained this place was called Mississippi. "You'll be safe here, I hope," said Misha, and then added, "You can go home, Mr. Radley." "Uhh, yes ma'am," he responded and flew away towards his crew. So Mona and Don were able to sleep happily for the first time since this morning. Sadly, their happiness didn't last long. In the morning, when they ate bread and butter and jam, a person wearing all black(26) kicked through the door. Splinters flew directly into their bread, turning the bread into dust and flour, but surprisingly, no one was hurt, but Don, who was hungry, got angry at the guy who totally ruined his breakfast. "Hey! What do you think you're doing?" he screamed, but suddenly, Misha forced Mona and Don under the table. And just in time! The lightning flew from the palms of the black-caped man(26), barely missing Don and Mona. "Wha—" gaped Don. Misha explained with one name, "Darth Vader(26)." She looked around to find a way to run upstairs to grab the chaos emerald, but Darth Vader went up the stairs before she did. So the three sat under the table hopelessly. it was pointless trying to stop him, because they knew he would kill them instantaneously, and following him would have been equally dangerous. In short, no matter what they did, they would be killed by Vader(26), so instead of dying, they decided to wait. "Mwa ha ha!" they heard a voice laugh upstairs, "With this, I can finally complete my Death Star #2! Stupid Nohanson11, acting like an amateur burglar. Even Bilbo(27) without his ring(27) could do better than this!" Don suddenly remembered how Nohanson was hiding behind the warp pipe. Mona was thinking of something else, "What's a Death Star Too?"
"Death Star #2" corrected Misha, "codename 'Meteos'(28). It chucks lesser kind of emeralds that, put in great numbers, causes a planetary supernova."
"I don't see how that works," said Mona.
"Its density is so strong, it causes a gravitational shift…or something like that," explained Misha, "actually, that doesn't make a whole lot of sense, either."
"Then I shall show you how it works," said Darth Vader, who suddenly appeared under the table, and handcuffed the three. He forced them up and out of the house into an edible chocolate castle(29). Don got even hungrier at the sight of the castle. As they stepped in, Darth Vader(26) pressed a button; it instantly teleported the castle into space. "See that planet? That marvelous glowing eye?" Darth Vader(26) said. All three looked out the window, and quickly, Misha asked, "Is that Sauron(30)?"
"Actually, yes, that is Sauron(30). At least, it's his soul…or something like that," explained Darth Vader(26), "actually, that doesn't make a whole lot of sense, either. But watch this!" The eye suddenly spit out millions of meteors that flew directly into a planet. Nothing happened. "You see, to make that planet explode, we needed this," said Darth Vader(26), indicating the gem, "now watch this!" He chucked the gem out the window and towards the eye. It disappeared into the eye, and then suddenly, thin lines sprouted out of the planet attacked by the meteors, making a sort of a net. Then, in a flash, the planet tore apart(31). Don stared at that for a moment, rubbed his eyes, and then looked again. The planet seriously tore apart, like paper(31). It took fifteen damage(31), and then the floating parts exploded. Darth Vader(26) gained 2d6 attack(32). "Mwa ha ha! With this, I'm invincible!" laughed Vader(26). Little did he know that a gigantic black bird, resembling an average crow, but looks like it's made from a gas or something(33), was heading towards them in hunger. It pierced through the edible wall, ate through the edible floor, melted through the edible ceiling, and even gobbled through the edible computer, destroying the castle whole and leaving Vader(32) floating in the infinite void. Misha, however, had the Emergency Warpstar Cell phone(34) in her pocket, which she used just in time before they floated away, too. While riding on the warpstar, Misha explained, "I'm going to 'Meteos'(28) to stop it's destruction." The landed there to stop it's evil doings.
Actually, I'm kind of bored, so I'll make the long story short: They succeeded(35). And because they did, Don and Mona was forced back to Gnop(1), where Mona lived happily ever after, while Don lived miserably ever after, just as things are meant to be. And for some reason, Misha dies in the least emotional way ever: nobody knows what happened to her, she just fell one day while eating a sandwich. The plot thickens(36)…
THE END
Word Count: 3,044
Footnotes:
1-Actually a title by a game made by Bungie (makers of Halo). Try spelling it backwards!
2-Similar beginning as "Howl's Moving Castle", by Diana Wynne Jones, except reversing the order of greatness (in the book, the first child is bound to live miserably, second, rich but not married, and third rich and married)
3-The first computer to beat a chess champion (or rather, tie with one)
4-Place in Kingdom Hearts (Square Enix, Real-timeRPG)
5-Garet asks the same question in Golden Sun (Gauntlet, Nintendo, Turn-based RPG), and he gets the same answer.
6-Name of a place in Paper Mario: Thousand Year Door (Intelligent System, Nintendo, Turn-based RPG)
7-Currency in Legend of Zelda (Nintendo, Real-time RPG) series
8-Homer Simpson's (The Simpsons) catchy phrase
9-Trouble Center is from Paper Mario: Thousand Year Door. The place works the same way as explained.
10-Pipes in the Mario series (Nintendo, Platform)
11-King of Hyrule from Legend of Zelda: Windwaker (Nintendo, Real-Time RPG). He also appears as a boat named King of Red Lions. And yes, it's that slow
12-There are four cursing Black Boxes, each with their respective Black Key in Paper Mario: Thoasand Year Door, one of them turning Mario into a boat. I wrote by memory what the box says, but there may be some inaccuracies
13-The sunken land is Hyrule from Legend of Zelda: Windwaker.
14-Mr. McDowell told met this. I don't really know the specifics, though
15-Just like the Gerudos from Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time (Nintendo, Real-time RPG)
16-Tony Bergami's idea: Talisman Hamburger is a self-refilling hamburger
17-Like how Aragorn first appeared in Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Rings, by J.R.R. Tolkein
18-The evil machines in War of the Worlds, directed by Steven Speilburg, and their evil weapons
19-Genis' best spell in Tales of Symphonia (Namco, Real-time RPG)
20-Crystal from the Sonic the Hedgehog series (Sega, Platform/Racing)
21-Concept of invincible pirates from "How To Kill A Mockingbird", by Anthony Secondry (http/ from "To Kill A Mockingbird", by Harper Lee…
23-…and Anthony Secondry's vision of Boo Radley
24-The "ultimate weapon" from "Life, The Universe, and Everything" by Douglas Adams
25-Trog Dor, the Burninater from Strong Bad Emails in http/ favorite villain from the Star Wars series, directed by George Lucas
27-Character from "The Hobbit", J.R.R. Tolkein, and ring
28-Planet from Meteos (Q-entertainment, Puzzle)
29-Castle from Post's cereal box on Cocoa Pebbles (and consequently giving rights to The Flinstones as well)
30-Villain from Lord of The Rings series, by J.R.R. Tolkein
31-Description of Mario's best attack, Supernova, in Paper Mario: Thousand Year Door
32-In reference to Dungeons and Dragons, by Wizard
33-Description of the last (and awesome) boss in Billy Hatcher and the Giant Egg (Sega, Platform)
34-Device from Kirby 64: The Crystal Shards
35-From a chapter in the Captain Underpants series, by Dave Pilky
36-…says the thief in
How was it? Review, please.