A Week in a Madhouse

By: Ayanagami

Warnings: Shounen Ai, my oh-so-famous humor, cussing (EDIT: lots of cussing), and a gender challenged Seifer – except he's not confused about his gender.

Story: Squall grew up with Seifer. He hates him. Now he has to spend a week in the same house, with no one around, and a lifetime of bad memories. What kicks it? Seifer is convinced that Squall is a girl.

Day Four: Beware the Doors!

-General POV/-

"Hey!"

Bang! Bang! Bang! THUD!

"Heeey!"

Bang!Bang!Bang!THUD!

"HEEEEY!"

BANGBANGBANG-

Squall wrenched the door open with an irritated violence and screamed, "What the fuck are you doing in the garage!!??"

Seifer blinked at him.

"Uh... I got locked in."

-/Squall's POV/-

Waking up on the couch with someone banging and screaming on the garage door – evil.

"Stop calling me that."

"Calling you what?"

"A girl, you jerk."

Seifer snorted and my eye twitched. I tried hard to keep my anger level low, since I had told myself that morning that I was not going to blow up this day or commit violent acts towards him in any way. The thing with the garage that morning was the one exception I was allowing myself. What kind of moron would get themselves locked in a garage? I told him this.

"Excuse me for being human, princess."

I sighed, rubbed my temples, and stepped off the porch and strode down the walkway, trying to lose him. He just fell into stride next to me, commenting on certain things that I swear he knew irritated me. Like this girl fixation he has. Thirteen years of knowing each other and he still can't figure out I'm a guy? I've come to the conclusion, finally, that he isn't doing this to annoy me. He really is stupid.

A block away from his house, I stopped.

"What the hell is it going to take for you to understand that I am not a girl?"

Seifer gave me a stupid look. My violence meter was rising like crazy. Right now there was a steady bing... bing... bing... telling me that it was close to the red zone, but still relatively mild. Okay, I could do this.

"Are you a lesbian or something?" I choked. Only Seifer would ask me something that horrifyingly inaccurate. He raised an eyebrow as I wrestled with my own burning saliva. "Hit a nerve?"

"ARE YOU DEFECTIVE!!!?? Are you completely moronic or something??!!!" I began screaming at him, dropping my backpack next to my stilled feet on the sidewalk, unaware of the blond skater approaching us at alarming speed. "HOW MANY TIMES DID YOUR MOTHER DROP YOU ON YOUR HEAD!!!?? Do you have hearing problems!!!?? FUCK! Do you have SEEING problems!!?? OR ARE YOU JUST SO STUPID??!! SO GODDAMN BRAINLESS?!"

I gasped for breath, my chest heaving for a moment. The skater was about five feet away by then. Taking as much air into my lungs as I could manage, I jumped right back into my rant, cutting off anything the sum of all brainless pricks might have said in his defense. "I don't think there could be ANYONE dumber than yo-"

With an exclamation that sounded a lot like 'ack' the skater, in a flurry of panicked arms, tumbled to the ground as his board caught on something. There was a thud as I broke off in mid insult, and, after a second, both Seifer and I looked down at the same moment, caught off guard.

A moment of silence overcame us. "I stand corrected. That," I gestured with a vague sweep of my arm, "is someone dumber than you."

-

His name was Sell. Cell.... er... Zell. He was new. He was horrifying.

Zell was the kind of person that made it necessary for people like me to be on medication. Barring from mind Mr. Almighty, of course, whose very existence made straight jackets trendy. But... Zell made me cringe. Suddenly, the thought of suicide was incredibly appealing, as opposed to the homicidal tendencies I have while around Seifer.

And, at the moment, I was sitting between the two of them. Don't ask, please, don't, because I don't really know how that happened, myself. Something about the psychotic blond just irritated Seifer, making him loom about in a dangerous fashion – not that the new kid noticed this. Zell chattered on and on insanely, switching from subject to topic at random, and with this terrifying energy; he dramatized everything that didn't need to be dramatized. What he'd do if the end of the world came around, I don't want to know.

All I could do was pray for first period bell to ring.

"Shut it, Chicken Wuss." THANK YOU. Maybe Seifer wasn't really stupid after all. Nice name.

"What did you say!!??" Hearing impaired much?

"You heard me, now scurry along." Yeah! LEAVE ME ALONE!

"Tch. You're a jerk." Wow. Astute, are we? "He's a jerk, isn't he Squall?"

Okay, one, how did he know my name? He's a goddamn transfer student and I never told him my name. Two, yes, Seifer is a jerk, among other things. But he's my jerk. ...... I'm not contemplating that thought.

"Squall?"

Yes, yes, I understand that you know how to say my name. You can stop now.

"Squaaaaaall...?"

WHAT ALREADY?! And no singing my name!

"Just leave her alone, Chicken Wuss. She's in la la land."

I glared over at the 'Jerk'. "Fuck you."

He smiled, pleased. Damn, I'm going to wipe that grin off his face. So much for trying to be non-violent today. Zell interrupted the battle of wills, though, with a confused expression.

"Uh.... she?" He leaned out a bit to give me a once over. "Dude, Squall's a guy."

Seifer pinned me with an amused smirk. "Damn, you're good."

At that point in my life, I was almost ready to give up. I really was. So instead I wandered away in my mind, ignoring the conversation around me and burrowing deeply – I thought of all the ways to kill someone. It ranged far and wide, from quick and painless to the truly sadistic. Slowly, I calmed down. Deep breaths, everyone, you're going to pull through this.

I was jerked out of my reverie by the shrill sound of the morning bell. I bolted for my first period.

-

Someone hates me.

Someone in a high place. I'm serious.

That new transfer student from Hell was in two.... count them, two of my classes.

Math.... and English.

The first day of math, someone went psycho on him and tried throwing one of the desks at him. He ended up hunched against a wall with broken remnants of said desk scattered around him. He was pretty much left unharmed, much to my disappointment. Half an hour later, though, he accidentally knocked over a row of desks. Maybe he tripped over his own feet or something.

I learned something very fast – Zell was a walking disaster, and, given enough time, he would end up killing himself and a few pedestrians with that skateboard of his. The thought made me smile for a moment, but then nervousness overtook me again – I really didn't want to be anywhere near him ever again.

Especially not when, during the break between classes, he knocked a girl unconscious by sending her flying down the stairs. I saw it out of the corner of my eye – she dropped her books and he had bent to help her, forgetting about the skateboard strapped to his backpack. Owch.

She spent the rest of the day in the nurse's office, I can tell you that.

I was relieved to find that the rest of my day was pleasant. Rinoa and I got a new chem lab partner, who, for some reason, put up quite a fight in order to stay out of our group. It didn't matter to me, just meant I would get more time with my crush.

I was also able to hide in my dark place for lunch.

But....

Why me?

Am I cursed or something? Do people enjoy tormenting me?

Must be, because there that kid is, again, barely keeping still, and barely managing to not visit disaster on our classroom. And Seifer is sitting right next to me... on the other side of me.... is an empty desk.... no.... the only empty desk.

The girl Zell sent to the nurse's office was the one who had occupied it previous to that day. Oh, wow, shoot me now.

When he sat down, I shifted in my seat in order to get as far away as possible. I didn't want to be anywhere near this guy. Speaking of guys... Seifer was glowering at the younger boy over my head. My, someone's pissed.

I wonder how many classes he has with him.

I momentarily contemplate joining forces with Almighty Dick in order to rid myself of this nuisance.

That's when I knew – Zell was sent by the devil, come to rob me of my senses. Me? Join with Seifer? No. Plain ol' fucking no.

I spent the rest of the period in my own private world, ignoring Zell's squawks and Seifer's sharp comments.

-

He followed us home. Normally, I wouldn't walk with Almasy, but Zell had come running like a bat out of hell, sending a freshman tumbling into a bush, and, upon reaching me, started babbling stupidly about something or other, punctuating his sentences with a sharply raised fist or a stamp of his foot. Then Seifer had joined the ranks of the clinically insane.

So, I guess, in retrospective, they both followed me 'home'.

And then....

"Hey, dude, see ya tomorrow!"

I stood, frozen on the walkway, swallowing hard and blinking. Outside, I looked like a deer caught in someone's headlights.

Inside, I was crying.

-

Bang. Bang.

I glared at the door as I stood in the hallway. I didn't like doors. Sometimes Seifer was on the other side of them.

Bang. Bang.

Glowering, I attempted to silence the noise with my glare, all the while retaining my inner monologue. It had a lot to do with Seifer. And violence.

Bang. Bang.

Shit, whoever's out there isn't going away. I let out a clipped growl and stalked over to yank it open. My immediate reaction was to scream in horror as Zell grinned at me from the porch.

"Hey, dude!"

He was inside before I could slam the door. I sent him an evil death glare, but gave up in a huff. Oh well, it was Seifer's house, anyway. I trudged over to the couch, which now doubled as my sleeping space, and slumped into the cushions, drawing in on myself. As I feared, Zell was all over the place within a matter of seconds. Kill me, kill me, kill me, kill me, kill me....

"What the fuck is Chicken Wuss doing here?" Help... please....

"I don't know."

"Whoa, what's he doing here?" Zell asked – I could almost see him point an accusing finger at Almasy, but I didn't bother to look up.

"Heh heh heh.... oh, I see, hoping to spend the evening with your little girlfriend, wuss?" Anger. Much. Much anger.

Zell sputtered. "W-what the hell?! You're psycho – Squall's a guy."

"Shows how much you know." No, shows how much you know – I was tempted to say Seifer was in denial... "And, although it's none of your concern, this happens to be my house. Princess here is a guest for the week."

I growled. "Shut the fuck up, Almasy." Before you hurt yourself. No, wait, continue. The more pain you're in, the happier I am.

Seifer heaved himself onto the couch beside me and flung an arm over my shoulders. I was too shocked to say anything. "Well, Chicken Wuss, if you're thinking of scamming on Squall, you can forget it; she's mine."

VIOLENCE METER BROKEN!

With that last furious thought, I launched an attack at Seifer Almasy such as the world has never seen before.

Nor will it ever be seen again, if he knows what's good for him.

-

Thirty minutes, a broken lamp, a dozen or so bruises and a messed up couch later, all three of us sat at the kitchen table, the blondes on either side of me, with a very angry Rinoa staring us down.

I don't even know how Zell got involved in the fight.

Upon finding us trying to beat the living daylights out of each other (Seifer stopped having qualms about hitting me early in the fight) my best friend and crush had located the hose outside and dowsed us in cold water, not really caring that she had probably ruined the carpet. Ten she dragged us into the kitchen, sat us down, and proceeded to chew our ears out.

"I can't believe you guys!" She cried again. She seemed the doubting type. I just shrunk in on myself, slouching between Seifer and Zell – Zell stared off to the side, wincing once and a while. Seifer just watched her with a raised eyebrow and his arms folded over his chest. He acted like he hadn't heard a word she'd said. He also acted like he didn't care. Rinoa fixed me with a glare I really didn't like. "Squall, I know how much you dislike Seifer, but trying to kill him..." I know, I know... please don't suggest anger management... "... and you completely wrecked the Almasy's living room!"

Rinoa paused and huffed, placing her hands on her hips. "Squall, I want to make this very clear to you." She hooked her leg around a chair and dragged it closer so she could plop down and place her elbows on the table top, staring me in the eye levelly. "You destroyed the couch."

Yeah.

"Just yesterday, a dog destroyed your bed."

Uh-huh. Fucking dogs...

"There are no more guest rooms, Squall. You still have three days left."

I looked at her in horror, my back straightening. My eyes widened.

Oh... God.... no.

I started to shake my head adamantly, jerking it from side to side. Her eyes softened, but she nodded her head. Her expression said it, all too clearly; yes.

"What are you talking about??" Seifer snapped me out of my silent communication with Rinoa, and I glanced sideways at him.

Then I wrenched my gaze back to my best friend, hissing, "I'd rather sleep on the floor."

She looked reprovingly at me. "Squall...."

I jumped up, away from the table and Seifer. "There's no way in fucking hell I'm sleeping in the same bed as that fucker! He'll molest me in the night! He'll do unspeakable things to me!"

I didn't quite notice that I was pointing an accusing finger at Mr. Almighty himself.

-/Seifer's POV/-

Oh. So that's what they were talking about.

I blinked.

Yeah. I probably would. But I better not tell her that. Better lie.

-/Squall's POV/-

Rinoa frowned and Seifer blinked, realization dawning on him. I slammed my hand back down to my side. Took another step backwards.

"Yeah, right, like I would ever do anything to a dude." Seifer snorted.

I froze.

-/Seifer's POV/-

I'm a genius! I had to hold in my triumphant laugh.

I knew what to do.

-/Squall's POV/-

Did I just hear him right?

Rinoa smiled and stood, folding her arms over her chest. "See? He's not so bad."

No! It's a trick!

I glared at Seifer. I didn't believe him. He looked right back at me and smirked.

"What? Don't believe me? Sorry, Squally-boy, I'm straight." He scoffed at me, then added, almost as an after thought, "Actually, I'd rather you did sleep on the floor. I'd hate to wake up and be feminine."

I doubled my glare. "Fuck you."

He grinned. "No-thank-you."

"Okay, boys, you can stop fighting." We both looked back to Rinoa. She smiled. I didn't like that smile. "Squall will sleep in Seifer's bed for the next three days. Don't worry. It can't be that bad – and it's better than sleeping on the floor."

So says you.

I realized that, by not saying anything, I damned myself to hell.

-

I was standing there when it happened – Zell, still in the house, was trying to turn a corner but ran face first into a wall, making a picture at the top of the stairs crash to the floor. It was hard not to laugh when Seifer, reaching the second floor, jumped at the sound, stumbled backwards, and toppled head over heels back down the stairs, cursing madly. As it was, I stood placidly, eyes trained on his flailing body. I was hungry for his pain.

As he staggered back up the steps, a nasty thought occurred to me, but I kept my face neutral. That is, until he got to the top, looked up and saw me standing there. I could see his expression. It had 'impending doom' written all over it.

I smiled happily and pushed him back down the stairs. In my head, I was laughing insanely. And very, very loudly

-

Later that night, I glared at him from across his room. He was already sitting cross-legged on his bed, leaning against the wall in his boxers.

"No touching me."

"Like I'd want to." He rolled his eyes.

"No trying to cop a feel."

He snorted. I didn't trust him, but I really couldn't find a way out of this without looking like some kind of coward.

Sighing, I trudged my way over to Almasy's bed, and, wrinkling my nose, slid between the sheets, as close to the edge and as far away from him as I could get.

Ew. In bed with Seifer. And he's only wearing boxers. For some reason, I had to hide my face as it heated up.

Hi clicked off the light.

Suddenly, I was afraid of the dark. No, just him. Perv.

-

Sorry I didn't re-post on Monday. There was this holocaust down the street and… well, you know how it is. Yes, yes, I'm working on the final chapter... seriously. In between playing FFT and GTA3... O-o PS. Download 'Imagine' by A Perfect Circle. NOW.