A Week in a Madhouse

By: Ayanagami

Warnings: Shonen Ai, my oh-so-famous humor, cussing (EDIT: lots of cussing), and a gender challenged Seifer - except he's not confused about his gender.

Story: Squall grew up with Seifer. He hates him. Now he has to spend a week in the same house, with no one around, and a lifetime of bad memories. What kicks it? Seifer is convinced that Squall is a girl.

Day Five Life is a Nightmare

-/Squall's POV/-

I woke up with a warm arm around my waist and someone breathing down my neck.

Evil Gnome Thing.

I screamed and attacked.

-/General/-

The two boys landed in a tangled heap of limbs and bed sheets as Squall attacked with a fury well known to him. Seifer, on instinct, fought back and the result was a mass of bed sheets jerking around and the perfect opportunity to dub over the sound with two cats fighting. But there was a lot of noise, and if sped up, it might have been considered a cat fight, anyway.

-/Squall's POV/-

I figured out it wasn't an Evil Gnome Thing five minutes ago. But then I realized it was Seifer and I took the chance to pummel him into the ground for two reasons. One - I woke up and he was practically on top of me. Two - he was Seifer. Any chance to hurt him was gladly taken and then thanked profusely.

Seven minutes of violence, a shower, and another scuffle later, I knew today was going to be a good day.

-

I knew today was going to be a bad day.

"Hey, dude, what's up?! Whoa," Zell hopped off his skateboard and popped it up with his feet, sending it into the back of another student's knees. "What's with the face?"

I think he was referring to my "You're still ALIVE?" expression. I really mean that. How could he survive himself? Speaking of which, he just sent two girls tumbling into a ditch some construction workers had dug to put in a new sprinkler system... weren't these things supposed to have fences around them?

Zell's disaster-striking abilities would have been amusing if they didn't make me nervous.

I started walking faster, making him jog to catch up to me. Damn. I was hoping to lose him. What was with this kid? I was never friendly to him, but he kept coming back. What, was I the first person he saw or something and immediately declared me mommy? He was just like Seifer. I hate blondes!

"Hey, Squall, wait up, what's the hurry?" Two get away from you. Fast.

"I have to get to first period early today to finish a project." Evil laughter rang through my head as I tore off in the direction of my class.

-

I sank lower into my seat, wondering if maybe I should try and brave Zell again. Five minutes of listening to these Dungeons and Dragons players made me want to melt their bones and tear off their skin. Not even that happy image could make me smile. They were that bad.

"I'm going to cast Magic Missiles!"

"But there's nothing to cast it on. You're in a dark cave."

"... I'm going to cast Magic Missiles.. on the darkness!"

"..." The Dorks looked around at each other. "Anyway. Okay, player three, you walk into a wooden area with moss on the trees and... uh.... a few rocks. Anyway, you meet... hey! Pay attention, Silverwood! You're going to be playing! Where was I... Oh, yeah, you meet an elf."

"Greetings, elf. I am Gyntoff the Warrior."

"Hi.... I'm an elf. Hey, does my description say that I have blue hair and green eyes?"

"What? Why? You're in the middle of a meeting!"

"Well, cause I wanted to change it, I want blue hair and silver eyes."

"Whatever. You're supposed to be talking to Gyntoff!"

"Hey, I want you to change my description! I want blue hair and silver eyes!"

"We can't change it until you do something!"

"... alright, I'll pull out my Plus Five Long Sword of Smiting and chop off his head!"

"You can't do that! You're just talking to him!"

"Oh. Right. Kay, I'll just chop off his hand, then."

"Those sandwiches your mom made last weekend were really good. My dog looks healthy, now."

"You fed them to your dog?"

"No! He found them in my backpack. He also ate my science project when he came back home yesterday. It was the weirdest thing, he smelled like chicken-"

"Hey! You two, what are you talking about!?" Uh oh, looks like Lead Dork was getting upset. "Can't you guys concentrate?!"

"Fred, you don't have to be so push-"

"My name's not Fred, I'm the Dungeon Master!"

Aw, fucking hell, someone kill me. I suddenly felt very, very depressed.

-

I didn't say anything to Rinoa for the first ten minutes of Chem, just staring at her blankly as our lab partner continued to nag the teacher to reconsider placing him in another group - any other group. She wouldn't do it. The fucker was stuck with us. Resistance is futile.

Finally, Rinoa sighed. "What's wrong, Squall?"

"You did it on purpose and you are the epitome of all planned evil."

She blinked at me and smiled. "Have a good night's rest?"

I narrowed my eyes. Oh, yes... she was evil. I don't care if she was my crush. She was evil.

Did I mention she was evil?

"Puh-LEASE switch me into another group! PLEASE!" I glanced over at our pseudo-partner, watching as he fell to his knees and clung to the teacher's leg. "PLEASE!"

What was wrong with people today? First, the D&D Dorks, and now this pathetic display.

"Hey!" A cheerful voice. No. "I'll switch with you!"

And like that the desperate boy flung himself onto Selphie, the only other student in class crazy enough to actually blow something up. She smiled and patted his head, moving her stuff to his vacated seat. She grinned at us.

"Hi!" Go. Away.

Selphie was... like a female version of Zell. Sort of. He was hyper, she was insanely hyper and cheerful. And she didn't have the tendency of blindly destroying a person's life like Zell. But she was just as bad... for some reason.

And for some reason, I had a bad feeling about all of this.

As I've said before, I'm good at Chem and I pay attention to what the teacher says and I hate people who get soap bottles stuck on their hands. So usually the only time I mess up is when I don't care or when the little voice in my head says that something's a pretty good idea. The little voice is me.

And Rinoa is good at Chem. I don't know if she thinks some of the things she does are good ideas or not, but one time she got a kids hand to glow bright green in the dark for a month. I don't know if that was on purpose... or not.

Selphie... well, there are a lot of explosions around Selphie. Usually a student wouldn't be allowed to even touch a Bunsen burner with her track record, but she was manipulative. So she got to blow things up to her little heart's content and the teachers smiled at her like she was playing with a harmless little puppy. Scary.

That bad feeling from before... when I saw the materials being handed out, I didn't think much of it. When we started the lab, I didn't think of it much. When I set Selphie's books on fire and melted the already battered table, well, I thought about it long and hard.

In the office.

Owch.

-

It didn't help that the voices in my head (remember... the voices are just me...) kept saying stuff I didn't want to hear. So...

"I'm not sure I can trust you kids anymore... disaster seems to strike around you in your science class."

At this point, the voices said something in a tone of voice I had decided I -didn't- like. Fuck you, assholes!

"Excuse me?!" The principle looked like he was going to pop a vein or an eyeball or something.

I guess I said that out loud. Oops.

"Not you, those damn voices in my head.... fuckers..."

Oh shit. I said that one out loud, too.... This won't turn out good.

-

Finally! Fuck, they acted like we blew up the school, not a table. Actually, we melted it... I wondered how the hell that could happen. Or how we managed to do that... Lip-gloss: Bad.

I almost ended up having to go to therapy. Miracle of miracles that Selphie the wonder girl was there with me. We got out with a small amount of fuss.

I blinked as Selphie wheeled around to face me, a scowl across her pretty face. "You owe me!"

For what? The books?

"For saving your ass in there!"

Woah, does she have psychic abilities or something??

I looked over at Rinoa, who smiled and shrugged, clasping her hands behind her back loosely as we started moving again, the girls on either side of me. I suddenly decided that this would be a good time to go to my happy place. The look on Selphie's face was fucking scary.

"Hello!" She waved her hand in my face. I blinked and jerked back, but unfortunately my feet wanted to keep going so I fell. Down. I fell down.

After Rinoa stopped laughing and helped me up, I glared at the stupid punk. I mean Selphie.

What the fuck is your problem? "What?"

"Well, I've been trying to get your attention for the past two minutes or so." She smiled sweetly, and the smile scared me. It also made me wary. She was up to something.

"Why?"

"To tell you that I'm using your house to plan this Friday's dance."

I stared.

And stared.

And fucking stared.

"No."

-

Lunch time found me with an alternatingly pleading and vengeful Selphie practically attached to my hip. I wondered if one of those tabloids had a demon-be-gone service.

"Please??!"

"No."

"Pretty please??!"

"No."

"But you owe me!"

"No."

"PLEEEEAAASE!? It's only 'til Friday!! It's not like I want to chop of your hand!"

"No."

"... So if I did use your house, you wouldn't get mad?"

"No."

…

"Fuck." I walked right into that one. She smiled and bounced away.

"I'll be walking home with you after school!"

-

And she did.

Selphie, Zell, Seifer and I all walked to Lord Dick's house.

Selphie, because she said she would.

Zell, because he thought he could.

Seifer, because he hated Zell's guts and taunted him like crazy.

Rinoa had said she would drop by later and make sure no one was dead. I wondered if someone would do me an enormous favor and kill me. Like now. Or, even better, give me a large, heavy, potentially deadly object so that I could brutally smash in everyone's face. And maybe some acid to melt off body parts.

"Remind me again why she's here?" Of course, Almighty Prick! I live to do your bidding! Fuck you!

"She claimed my soul," I lied. "But in order to gain control of me fully, she must be in my habitat. Don't be afraid when she steals your boxers."

Seifer shook his head.

-/Seifer's POV/-

Squall, if I haven't mentioned, is fucking weird. She'd rather say something totally out their before telling the truth. So I had no fucking clue why there were -two- hyper psychos behind us instead of just one. Fucking hell, could they scream any louder??

But then I remembered something.

The stairs.

I suddenly became afraid of my own house. Or at least the second floor.

-/Squall's POV/-

Goddamn. I went upstairs immediately when we reached Seifer's house and curled up in his beanbag (why the hell did he have a beanbag? I've never seen him in it...) to take a nap. An hour later, I came down, and everything was chaos.

Complete....

Utter...

Chaos.

"No! I need those decorations in the box marked 'F-3'!" Ah, that would be Selphie. She seemed to be the cause of most of this. She was conducting four or five people in mad circles around the house, paper, lights and decorations everywhere. Some people yelled to each other in a language I couldn't understand in my sleepy state. It was probably a variation of English. Off in the distance, I heard barking.

Zell spotted me at the top of the stairs and waved. I considered going back to bed, but decided that it would just give me a case of insomnia I really didn't need. Then again, this was giving me a head ache just looking at it.

Disaster Waiting To Happen ran up the steps, taking to at a time.

"Hey Squall!" I grunted.

"It was nice of you to let Selphie use the house," another grunt from me, I'm so fucking eloquent, "to plan this Friday's dance."

Finally, I looked around. "Where the fuck is Almasy?"

Zell blinked at me. "Wha... Oh!" He scowled and gestured to some place down the steps. "He's off battling demons."

Demons...? Evil Gnome Things! My enemies.

I scrambled down the stairs, intent on finding Seifer and the evil little critters. I admit, I was very tired and very out of it. In other words, I had no fucking idea what the fuck I was doing.

I was still tired when I found him, seemingly unconscious on the ground outside with a suspicious bite mark on his arm and tufts of black fur around him. I somehow managed to trip on something and fell on him.

In the back of my head, in the part of my mind that was still coherent, I knew this was a bad thing. But the sleepy part found his stomach to be an excellent pillow and he was very warm.

Mmm.. sleepy time.

-/Seifer's POV/-

It took everything I had not to scream like a girl when Squall fell on me. I didn't have my eyes open all the way, but I saw her stumble towards me and then trip. Then she went to sleep.

Squall was weird... Sleepy Squall was freaky.

But her hair was really soft... and she was warm... and that fucking dog bit me after chasing me around the neighborhood and I was tired.

-/Squall's POV/-

"It's so CUTE!!!!"

That's what woke me up.

I think it was Selphie.

Fuck her.

Something warm was wrapped around me and I curled closer, trying to make her go away. I couldn't figure out why the hell I was so tired.

Or why the hell there were so many voices... and I smelled grass... along with something disturbingly familiar.

I tore away from Seifer and created a good distance between us by rolling. But not before Selphie took a picture. I froze as it caught up to me. She took a fucking picture!!!!!

I narrowed my eyes, turned towards her... and screamed. She looked like a deer caught in someone's headlights before she bolted down the street, camera in hand. I was right behind her. I Ignored Zell as he yelled something after us, I ignored the weirdoes Selphie had dragged with her to Seifer's house, and I even ignored Rinoa as she tried to get my attention, finally having shown up.

I just screamed bloody, painful death after Selphie and ran.

-

She got away. She managed to get away with future blackmail material. After chasing her for about half an hour, I returned 'home', defeated and tired. Well, not entirely defeated.

I was outlining a plan in which I could kill Selphie and destroy the camera.

-

So, I bet you're wondering why I didn't re-post a chapter in the past few days. It's not that hard… I know. Just general problems and stuff. Well, anyway, I am very nearly done with the final chapter. Which is good. I tried to write it three different times, and with each start it was completely different in tone. But, I did take bits and pieces from the other starts and use them in the final product… they were too funny to pass up. Anyway, another chapter reposted! We'll meet again next time…