Turmoil

Chapter 11

"Steph stop fidgeting so much!"

Mary Lou and her best friend were sitting in the small lobby of Steph's Doctor's office. It was the appointment she'd been waiting for. Stephanie was nervous, she wanted the doctor to give her clearance to go back to work at least part time. She was bored out of her mind stuck in her apartment.

She had never cleaned so much! Her bathroom was scum free; her closet had been cleaned out and re-organized. Her kitchen cabinets had been cleaned, re-lined and organized. She had made new pillows for her sofa, and her bed! For Christ sake she was becoming a Martha Stewart clone!

She had been going out daily, but never alone, one of the merry men, if not Ranger himself, would accompany her everywhere. She found endless joy in grocery shopping since she had been doing a little cooking these last few months. She also stopped by her parents' house every other day and to Mary Lou's too.

"Miss Plum? Please follow me." Said the red hair nurse from a door that led to the examination rooms.

"Here goes." Steph said to Mary Lou who looked as worried as she did. The smell of antiseptic lingered in the hall, pictures of French bistros and English cottages lined the flower wallpaper walls.

"Right in here." She held the door for her as she followed her in the room. It was small, with one of those patient beds with the leg suspenders for the Gyn check ups.

"The doctor will be in, in a little while. Go ahead and undress and put on this robe."

She did as the nurse said and waited patiently sitting on the bed facing to one of the sides. Uhmm.. She had always been curious as to how these doctors rise or lower the leg suspenders on these things.

She hopped off the bed and came to face it from the front. There must some kind of lever or button for these… Found it! As soon as she pulled the lever that was position in the middle of the bed, between the leg things… Splat! Screech! Crack! The leg suspenders came off the bed and landed very noisily on the ground. They had come totally apart. The footrest sat on one side while the pole that held it together was lying next to it.

"Shit" She hurriedly bent down to pick up the scattered pieces.

"uhhhh, ah, ah!" She yelped as she hopped in place. How in the hell was she going to put this together. Just then the nurse that had brought her in opened the door.

Steph was wearing the opened back gown and dropped the pieces that she had in her hand to cover her back side. Splat, Screech, Clink… all over again.

"Sorry, I tried to move it and it fell apart, sorry." She said as she slumped her shoulders.

"Its ok, it happens a lot." The nurse picked up the pieces and in less than 45 seconds she had swiftly put the bed back together.

"Have a sit; the doctor will be right in."

Steph left the doctors office on a high cloud. She had been cleared to work 20 sedentary hours a week. She was static so Mary Lou and her grabbed lunch at Pino's to celebrate. After the meal Mary Lou dropped Steph off at her apartment.

As the elevator doors opened on the second floor to her apartment, her body went still; her eyes were wide in awe. Leaning against the wall next to her door was Joe Morelli.

He looked tired, his eyes were wary and the sadness showed. He sprung from the wall and stood with his hands in his pockets, shoulders slumped, head dropped. He looked nervous; he was taking deep breaths and exhaling them rapidly.

She started walking towards the door, slowly, preparing herself for the upcoming conversation.

"Hi Joe" She whispered as she came to a stop about five feet from him.

"Hey Steph" He spoke with a low barely there voice. "How are you?"

"I'm ok I guess." She was playing with the keys in her hands. She pointed towards the door. "You want to come in?"

"Yes, please." You could see in his face that he was relieved that she had agreed to talk to him.

As they stepped inside Stephanie laid her purse and keys on the table and turned to Joe who had stopped just inside of the door.

"You can come in, have a seat please."

"Thanks." He took slow steps toward the couch. "The place looks nice, really clean"

"Yeah… I've had tons of time on my hands and all I seem to do is clean and cook." She took a seat on the couch next to him, but with plenty of space between them. "I've gained weight."

"You have? You look the same to me." He was looking at the carpet, trying not to make eye contact.

"Yeah well, I lost a lot of weight while I was in the hospital and during the first weeks I was home… you know all the restricted diet and stuff."

He looked pained at the mention of the accident. He hunched forward placing his elbows on his knees and dropped his hands between his legs.

"Steph, I'm sorry I disappeared" He paused, took a deep breath and locked eyes with Stephanie. "I have a lot to say so please hear me out."

"Sure Joe, I've wanted to speak to you too."

"Ok, well for starters I want to apologize for the infidelity. It started out as a work related relationship and before I could blink twice… Its no excuse, you didn't deserve that. And you'll never know how sorry I am for cheating on you." He took a few shaky breaths, swallowed hard and shut his eyes.

"I loved you, always have and always will. I screwed up, and I know that I don't deserve you. I don't even want you to feel anything for me."

"Joe…" Steph shifted her weight to face him.

"Wait, let me finish." He ran his hands through his hair. "Steph this is not a plea for you to take me back, I just needed to face up to my mistakes and responsibilities."

"I'm not your responsibility" Steph said as she frowned.

"No, your not." He turned to face her again. "But the baby was."

"Joe…" She said in a voice that held all her pain.

"Cupcake, my heart had never felt so much pain like it did that night." His eyes felt the sting of tears.

"The way you looked when you walked in on me. The misery I saw in your eyes when I opened the box…" His voice was getting thick and hoarse.

"How you looked when you lay on the street covered in blood. And then when the nurse told me… I lost it." He stood from the couch and walked towards the window.

"Joe, you realize that the accident was just that… it wasn't your fault. If anyone is to blame, I should blame myself for being so careless." She said from the couch, her own tears streaming down her face.

He whirled on her, looking fierce and distraught at the same time.

"Don't you dare blame yourself!" He shouted "don't you dare, I won't let you."

Silence fell between them and he slowly moved back to sit on the couch.

"Sorry… it's just that it really wasn't your fault." He wiped his tears. "When we all found out that you wouldn't wake up from surgery, it just tore me apart." He sighed. Fresh tears streaming.

She came closer to him and placed her hand on his shoulder.

"Steph… I wanted a baby with you for the longest time. And when I finally get my wish…" He was sobbing now. "I killed our baby! Don't you understand?"

"Oh Joe… no, no." She laid her head on his shoulders. "You didn't do such a thing. It was an accident; I got hit by a car…"

"It was my fault you were upset, my fault you ran!" He dropped his head. "My fault you lost our baby." He whispered as he shut his eyes real tight.

Steph got up and headed for the bathroom. She reappeared with a box of tissues. This was going to be a long afternoon.

"Then the thought of you not waking up, did me in." He took a couple of tissues and wiped his face. "I literally stayed in a hotel outside of Trenton for weeks. I drank a lot. It was all I could do to numb it out."

"Are you doing better now?" She asked as she too made a dent in the tissue box.

"Yes, came to my senses." He turned to her. "How about you?"

"Well physically I'm ok. I was cleared to go back to work part time today, so I'm excited, I'm tired of being home."

"I'm so glad your better. I was afraid of loosing you too." He managed a small grin.

"Listen Joe… I am still really hurt by what happened between you and Terry. When I found out about the baby, I was really confused. But I had hoped that we could give the family thing a shot" She inhaled deep. "You shattered that dream, when I caught you with Terry."

"Steph… I'm sorry"

"Listen, that's in the past. I don't blame you for the lost of the baby. It wasn't your fault. It just wasn't the right time I guess."

"I've spent all these night wondering if it was a boy or a girl, what he or she would have looked like." He saw the sadness in her face, and winced at the thought of her own pain. " I know it must hurt you a lot too, I'm sorry I wasn't here to comfort you through this."

"Hey its ok… all in the past."

They spent the rest of the afternoon talking. All of the feelings that had been bottled up in the for the last three months were out in the open. They cried together, laughed and yelled away all bad feelings. Joe was actually transferring out of town to New York. They said their good byes and promised to keep in touch.