A Week in a Madhouse
By: Ayanagami
Warnings: Shonen Ai, my oh-so-famous humor, cussing (EDIT: lots of cussing), and a gender challenged Seifer - except he's not confused about his gender.
Story: Squall grew up with Seifer. He hates him. Now he has to spend a week in the same house, with no one around, and a lifetime of bad memories. What kicks it? Seifer is convinced that Squall is a girl.
Day Six Crouching Tiger, Drunken Cowboy
-/Seifer's POV/-
I woke up and everything hurt very, very badly.
Damn those stairs.
And I hate dogs. Especially monster dogs.
Damn the monster dogs.
-/Squall's POV/-
I think it should be a crime to wake up underneath another guy. Another guy who is taller and heavier. Another guy who thinks you're a girl.
Okay, that might not be true, but just because he says he understands that I'm a guy doesn't mean he's telling the truth. There's such a thing as lying, you know. He's lying. I know he is.
He's also on top of me in such a way as that I can't get up, move, or even, in any way, shape or form, wake him up. Besides yelling at him, but my throat feels awful and my mouth is dry. Agh! He's crushing me! I'm going to die and it's be because I'm crushed to death by Mr. Almighty himself! Stupid prick planned this. He's going to try and rape my dead - oh, I can bite him. That'll wake him up.
CHOMP.
-/Seifer's POV/-
HOLY FUCK A VAMPIRE IS EATING MY NECK!
-/Squall's POV/-
You had better GET UP NOW! I made a warning growl in my throat and tried to get him off of me by arching my back. I released his neck in favor of screaming. It started slow..."Get....... off..... Get... off..."
It sped up. "Get. Off. Get off! GET OFF!"
And then it got very, very loud. "GETOFF! GETOFFGETOFFGETOFF!!!!!!"
I didn't think today could be any worse than yesterday.
-
I'm made to eat those words each and every time I say them.
School wasn't the problem this time, except during first period when, together with my class during first period to start a research project, we ran into complete and utter chaos in the hallways.
How the fuck did Zell's Gym class get in the hallways? There were basketballs everywhere, someone had broken a water pipe, and kids were running and screaming ever which way. Clean up on Aisle 5.... The coach should not be allowed to have a whistle. People like me are liable to strangle them to death for abusing it.
After I got away from that completely bizarre occurrence, my day was pretty normal, punctuated by random people being hurt in Zell's general vicinity, another bout of strange almost-sentient-beings in chem with Selphie and Rinoa, more Zell in Math class and Seifer growling in English.
Maybe the dog that bit him was a werewolf. That way, when I kill him, I have a defense; 'He was turning into a dog so I shot him with a silver bullet... what? He had rabies!!'
Not that they would believe me... I'd have to kill them, too, wouldn't I?
No... actually, school wasn't as traumatic as usual... It was what happened afterwards.
Rinoa somehow dragged me to Selphie's damn School Dance...
Shudder.
-
"Come on, Squall, are you ready yet?!" That was Rinoa, yelling at me from downstairs as I stared at myself in the bathroom mirror. Actually, for the past fifteen minutes I had been ready to go. I was just stalling so I could contemplate the usefulness of my life. Right now it wasn't very appealing. There was some Simple Green under the counter.... "Squall, are you even listening to me!? Are you alive!??"
Yes, I'm alive, but not for long.
"Rinoa, where are you and Squally going?" Almighty butts in. All thoughts of suicide forgotten, I'm fixated now instead on homicide. I flung open the door, grabbed my jacket from the banister and stomped down to the first floor.
"It's none of your business." I snapped at him and tried to get Rinoa to get her ass out the door before she said anything. No such luck.
"We're going to the dance, Seifer, wanna come?"
For moment, everything stood still for me. I really didn't want him to come. Please don't come please don't come please don't come....
"Nah."
Right then I think I had a heart attack. It was the first smart thing he'd ever done. I shot him a wary glance and then ran through the door into the outside air, Rinoa close behind.
On with the night's torture.
-
Surprisingly, it wasn't half bad. Maybe it was because I'd never been to a school dance before, or maybe Selphie was a psychotic perfectionist, but the decorations weren't like some cheesy high school prom and the music wasn't even mainstream. Hell. She even played Nine Inch Nails' Closer.
I think I realized that the punch had been spiked when she played "I'm Too Sexy" by Right Said Fred. Because that was when Rinoa finally dragged me out and made me lip sync the song.... and I did. And I danced.
I would never live that down.
Then there was the entire bathroom incident.
"Squall, come with me to the bathroom." That was Rinoa.
"...." That was me, wondering why the fuck she wanted me to come to the bathroom with her.
"Squall, please, I'll only just be a minute..."
"Why do you need me?"
"Because I need you to hold something."
Hold something? I was suspicious.
After a moment's debate, I realized that whether Rinoa was going to summon the devil or not, there was no way I'd know unless I went with her. Another debate later, and I decided that, yes, I was curious and thus, yes, I would go with her.
Plus, I was tipsy.
So there I was in the girls bathroom. Holding Rinoa's shoe.
Why the fuck was I holding Rinoa's shoe?
She was in a stall, doing fuck knows, while I stood against the wall, swaying a bit and holding her shoe.
I looked up as the door opened and met the eyes of another student.
Another female student, because, of course, this was the girls bathroom, and girls use this bathroom, and there I was, a boy, in a girls bathroom.
She made a strangled yelping sound and threw whatever was handy at the moment, which happened to be her purse. It didn't hurt, but it sure was surprising. So I hopped back, fell into a stall door, fell backwards into the stall, and at the last minute, manage to regain my footing.
Not before my arm shot out, trying to grab something, and, by way of accident, hurl Rinoa's shoe at the girl.
I ended up giving her a black eye.
Rinoa made me give her a Tampon as an apology.
-
I don't remember how it ended, or even how all these people came to be in Seifer's house. Because here we were, eleven at night, most of us half drunk, in Seifer's living room. Some people were playing Halo, a few were doing who knows what and I.... was slightly happy. It was the punch, I assure you. I had never realized how goddamn happy you can be when drunk. Even when I saw Seifer I was still happy.
For some unknown reason, when Zell started babbling at me, I didn't mind....
"....and at my last school whenever I walked home, I could swear that the ice cream truck was following me the entire way and would stop outside my house. I was like Holy Crap, that psycho ice-cream man is stalking me. So I called the police and told them but they told me that I should call back when I have a real emergency in five or so years. And my parents didn't believe me either, and so I thought that I was just imagining things, but now when I walk home with you, that same ice-cream truck still follows me..."
......too much.
And when Selphie took over the sound system in order to play The Sweater Song, I busted up laughing.
"If you want to destroy my sweater.... pull this thread as I walk away..... watch me unravel.... I'll soon be naked.... lying on the floor, I've come undone...."
I was really drunk. And it didn't help that Selphie's drunken cowboy friend had found the alcohol Seifer's parents didn't even bother to lock up. That guy gave me something really strong and then stumbled away to play go fish or something with an equally drunk Zell. Mostly I just tried hiding from people in plain sight, sitting against the wall.... and then, once I was drunk enough, I was having a hard time holding onto the damn floor.
Remind me to kill the floor when the hangover subsided the morning after... that hangover would be a killer, too.
Sometime during that horrifying, pain filled event, Rinoa approached me with a slightly glazed look and an evil little idea in her evil little brain...
I might have been drunk, but I still had my pride. And my insane stubborn ways.
"No."
"Please....?"
"No."
"Leeeeeeez........"
"What the hell.... no."
"Why not? We'll just switch really quick and then switch back!"
That last line came out sounded more like "w'not? Wull'switch'm'ree'kick'an'en'switch'm'back!" but I was able to understand her... the power of alcohol... I always wondered how the hell my parents could understand each other so well when they were completely plastered.
She kept bugging me while I watched, or tried to watch, the people milling around Seifer's Almighty's house. Holy fuck, I knew maybe a handful of these people... did Seifer know them? Did SELPHIE? .... were they even high schoolers? Sometimes when there's a high school party with alcohol in it, creepy college students would show up and try to mingle. But you could always tell they were college students because they looked at the high schoolers like they were bugs.
Or maybe I'm just really drunk...
I slid sideways off the wall and fell into someone. Or something. It was big and warm, and had a heartbeat, so I was assuming it was alive, at the very least.
"Squall...."
Go away.
"Squall."
Shut up. I'm going to stab you with something pointy and sharp and rusty so you'll get Tetanus and die.
"Hey, Squall."
Forget Tetanus. I'm going to stick your hand in a blender - but first, I'm going to tear off each and every one of your nails, shove them into your eyes, peel off your skin and stick toothpicks in your muscles. All over.
"Seifer, what are-"
Wait.
Hold it.
Okay, though my brain was under the influence of a lot of alcohol, it managed to realize something. One - the voice saying my name was Seifer's. Two, the voice belonged to the person I was lying on. Three, if you add one and two together, you get this - I'm laying on Seifer.
Defying all drunken laws, my head shot up, connected with Seifer's jaw, went right back down like a rock, and was held in my hands for an extended period time as I tried to get over the mass amounts of pain involved.
Holy fucking fuck, that really fucking hurt.
Fuck.
I stumbled away from Seifer and, surprisingly, was not followed by Rinoa as I sought a place to heal.
Fuckity fucking fuck. This abso-fucking-lutely sucked.
-
Hours or minutes might have gone by, I don't know, but eventually most of the people left, leaving, I assume, only myself, Seifer, Rinoa, Selphie, Zell, and the Drunk Cowboy. I was sure Drunk Cowboy had a name. I just didn't know what it was.
I was just drifting off to sleep somewhere in the living room when I heard it. The lovely sound of a body crashing down the stairs the quickest way possible - by falling down them. It was accompanied by a profuse amount of loud cuss words.
Popping my eyes open, I uncurled and sat up, looked over, and...
"Oh my fucking God!!!"
There lay Seifer, sprawled on the floor at the foot of the stairs, mused and dismayed and a little beat up.
Wearing one of his mother's black evening gowns.
-
So I haven't worked on the last chapter today, but then again it's only eleven in the morning. I think I have time. My hope is that I'll be able to post it early tomorrow. And then I can chalk this off as 'another story finished… finally'. You know, they have medication for people like me. It's called Ritalin and Adderal. Or the old fashion cure, a boot to the gut and a gun to the head. So now. I tried changing my name to Annik. There is so much irony in that name, I'm not sure you guys will understand… it may just be me. Anyway, someone else had the name and it made me sad. About the reposting of this chapter… I think this one had the most spelling and grammatical errors. I'm too impatient to look for those grammatical errors where I use the wrong word or contraction… And schoolers is not a word. But I use it and hear it being used, so I regret nothing. Thank you for your time, and good day.