A Week in a Madhouse

By: A.S. Annik (Ayanagami)

Warnings: Shonen Ai, my oh-so-famous humor, cussing (EDIT: lots of cussing), and a gender challenged Seifer - except he's not confused about his gender.

Story: Squall grew up with Seifer. He hates him. Now he has to spend a week in the same house, with no one around, and a lifetime of bad memories. What kicks it? Seifer is convinced that Squall is a girl.

Notes: So. Here it is. The end. The end that gives you nothing, but I like it anyway. I told myself I would add another scene to it somewhere, but I decided not to. Anything that is underlined has nothing to do with the story.

Day Seven Welcome to my happy world, now get your shit and leave.

There comes a time in your life when you realize that everything you ever stood for was a lie. When everything you ever believed in crumbled around you, leaving you vulnerable and exposed. When all your illusions shatter and you're left standing all alone, without a thing in the world to depend in.

And then there comes a time in your life when you wake up with a massive, life threatening hangover and decide that the best way out of it would be initiating a nuclear war.

The sun was warming my face uncomfortably, stabbing at my eyelids with a sort of manic glee I wasn't sure could exist in an inanimate object. Groaning, I flung a leaden arm over my face, attempting to hide from said ball of gaseous energy.

Oh Jesus Christ and Sweet Mother Mary. Someone fucking kill me.

I'm never drinking again. And I'm blaming this little excursion on none other than the great Rinoa Heartilly, the unfortunate love of my teenage hormones. I'm also reserving a large portion of burning hatred for one Seifer Almasy, pincushion of my ever-growing sea of violent inclinations.

Speaking of the pincushion.... where the hell was he?

Snore.

Oh. Somewhere in my vicinity, obviously. Hmmm...

Snore.

Aug. Right in my ear.

I have three reasons for my next action - one, that tickled like all hell; two, it was Seifer Almasy, and he was touching me; three, violence is a great way to wake up in the morning.

So I smacked him. Once, twice.... third time's the charm.

"You hit like a girl!"

"You've said that before."

With a groan, I pulled myself up and realized we were on the living room floor. The only other living person in the room, assuming they were alive, was Zell. Did that kid even have a home?!

One last kick to Seifer's oh-so-unprotected side, I dragged my weary, hung-over body to the bathroom, intent on staying there until the end of the world came and aliens abducted Zell, and Seifer died a horrible, burning, acidic demise.

I slammed the door behind me and clutched my head when I realized what a mistake it was.

But it was worth it when I heard Seifer's painful groan from the other side.

-

"Touch it."

"No."

"Touch it!"

"No!"

"Touch it!"

"NO! You touch it!"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, BOTH OF YOU!"

I staggered out of the bathroom, fresh, clean, rested, and out for blood. I'd had it up to here listening to those two go back and forth. And what they were they talking about, anyway? I stalked into the kitchen and up to Seifer and Zell, who stared at me from their position in front of the refrigerator.

"What the hell are you guys screaming about?!"

Without a word, and eyes wide, Zell pointed to a container wrapped in foil at the back of the top shelf.

I looked at it, narrowing my eyes for a moment, before looking up at them, then back at the foil thing. "Well, what the hell is it?"

Seifer shifted his weight and shrugged. "I dunno. It's been in the fridge since I was nine... I think."

Zell bounced on the balls of his feet. "I swear to God that it made a noise!!"

I slumped my shoulders and hung my head. Then I blinked and glanced at the container suspiciously. "Seifer... did you ever bury that kitten of yours? The one that drowned in the toilet?"

"... Stinky?"

God, what a fucking horribly name. I'd drown myself in the toilet bowl, too, if that was my name. ".... Yeah. Stinky."

Zell snorted and backed away from the fridge to drop into on of the kitchen chairs. "What the hell kind of name is that?"

Almasy crossed his arms of his chest and glared. "One, I was nine; two, the cat seriously smelled."

I sighed and snatched up the foil wrapped package, earning myself two incredulous stares.

"You've got balls, man...." Zell muttered as I placed it on the table and began to unwrap it.

"OH JESUS CHRIST."

"Yup, now I remember. The cat drown, your parents promised to bury it the next day, stuck it in the fridge, got drunk and forgot all about it."

"....S-Stinky?"

I think Seifer was a little traumatized.

-

For a while, we were at a standstill. Zell and I wanted to burn the body, and Seifer wanted to flush it down the toilet. He later decided, after we explained it to him (i.e. Zell explains and I try to physically assault him) that kittens aren't the same as goldfish, that we should bury him, instead.

I was a little put out.... WHERE WAS MY FUNERAL PYRE?!

Zell just didn't like the idea of sticking something in the ground. Something about dogs and bones... I wasn't paying attention.

We managed to compromise. Since it was Seifer's cat we were doing away with, he naturally got two votes, but since Zell and I were of the same mind, it was two against two - a perfect split.

Let's just say half of Stinky is in the Almasy backyard, and the other half is ashes in the wind.

Noontime rolled around like a military man suffering from a bullet in the leg, and Rinoa dropped by, bringing with her... nothing. Just her lovely self. She didn't seem affected by a hangover in the least.

I was suspicious.

We were alone for a moment, and the conversation went like this;

"Has Zell been here all day?"

"... unfortunately."

"Did he even go home?"

".... Not that I know of."

"Why does the house smell like burning...... uh... just, something burning?"

"... We had a burial nine years late. Complete with a funeral pyre."

"..." (These things won't appear unless something else is with it... sorry.)

"..." (la la la! Ignore the underlined words!)

"... Seifer kissed you last night."

"He.... He.... What.... (odd choking noises)..."

"Breath, Squall, breath!"

"... (the sound of someone hyperventilating)... I think... I think I'm gonna die..."

"Squall, don't be"

-/General POV/-

THUD.

Silence.

"SEIFEEEERRR!!!!"

-/Squall's POV/-

-

I woke up, groggy at first, and disoriented. I was laying on something that was both soft, yet hard...

Like, say, the ground covered by blankets and a carpet?

I groaned and rolled over, coming nose to surface with the wall.

I thought for a moment.

There was a blank in my memory prior to this situation. Something horrible must have happened.

With a sigh, I sat up and glanced around, realizing I was in the hallways on the second floor in Seifer's house. The good thing was that I knew why I was here. The bad thing was that I remembered the week's events leading up to this moment.

Is there a God and does he hate me?

The phone rang.

I sat there in that hallway, and decided it was much too quiet in Seifer's house. It scared me.

Ring

Jesus Christ, are they planning something?

Ring

They're going to take over the world.

Ring

Oh, Fuck, they're biding their time, waiting until I dropped my guard and they could go in for the kill.

Ring.

Fucking gay Eskimos….

Beep!

"Hey, kids!"

They.... Um... What?

"It's us! Of course, you knew that, didn't you?"

Seifer's mom.... sober??

"Just calling you and telling you we're on our way home.... Oh! By the way...."

... God, what now?

"... Why did you guys never pick up any time that we called?"

.... They called?

"I mean, the phone just rang and rang, and then we left a message on your answering machine... We must have left, like, fifty!"

.... I don't remember getting any calls from my parents...

"Okay, well, anyway, we didn't worry, cause we know you boys are so well behaved...."

And it had to be then that I heard the shout from downstairs and the sound of a small boom. Like a ball of gas catching fire. I tore out of the hallway like a bat out of hell.

"... we'll see you later, kay? Bye bye!"

The kitchen was mayhem incarnate when I got there. I don't know how many appliances were on fire, but the room was lit up like the ninth level of hell. Rinoa stood in the middle, her palm against her forehead while she muttered something like 'oh shit..' under her breath.

I stared for a moment before looking around for signs of stupidity. "Where are Zell and Seifer?"

She jumped and turned to face me with wide eyes. "Agh, Squall, didn't hear you come in.. uh... Dunno?"

"... Okay.... What happened in here?"

".... I'd rather not talk about it."

"... Okay."

There was a thudding noise behind me, and the sound of two pairs of feet running. Getting closer.

What the he-

"SQUALL, RINOA, RUN!"

Someone grabbed my arm and yanked me towards the front door... all I could do, besides thrash about wildly and hope to punch the mother fucker, was stumble blindly behind them. I heard Rinoa follow closely and we made it out to the curb before IT happened.

With a loud boom and a rather powerful shock wave that sent me sprawling, Seifer Almasy's house exploded.

Just. Like. That.

We stared at the wreckage.

"FUCKING A. My NIN CD was in there!!!"

-

We gathered our wits, or what wits we had, and calmed down, enough to rationalize.

"Okay... we blew up Almasy's house."

"No shit."

".... Our parents are on their way home right now."

".... I figured they would have stayed longer..."

"Yeah, well, apparently they were worried. Someone didn't answer the phone when they called."

"I never heard the phone ring!"

"... just shut up."

"..." (Don't you love pure dialogue based scenes?)

"... Squall... just how mad are your parents going to be...?"

"... well... mine will be moderately mad. Seifer?"

".... I dunno. I've never blown up my house."

"But you did blow up the shed when you were twelve."

"... No, Squall, that was your fault."

"Zell's been awfully quiet...."

"..." (I know I do!)

"... I think this is trying to tell me something... Ice cream men stalkers, houses blowing up... What's next - aliens??!"

"Let's ignore him."

".... What are we going to tell our parents, Almasy?"

".... Heh."

"... If you blame this on Rinoa, I'm strangling you with your birth cord."

"...." (They're so informative!)

"I'll hunt it down and strangle you with it."

"Okay, okay... look... we'll compromise."

By then I noticed the neighbors were emerging from their flimsy shelters... their flimsy, non-charred shelters.

".... Okay?"

"No one breaths a word of last night to anyone..."

"You mean the part where you kissed Squall?"

".... (choking noises)... can't.... think... brain... malfunctioning... (gasping) ... self narrating symptoms...."

"... Squall? Squall, are you okay?"

"I think he's dying."

"No, he did this before and he was fine."

"But he's turning blue! Agh! His nose is bleeding! His nose is bleeding! Ah! The blood is on me! It's on me, and it won't come off! Someone make it come off!"

"Zell, come back!"

"Let him run off like a sissy."

"But he - ZELL! LOOK"

THUD.

"... I vaguely remember him mentioning a phobia about ice cream trucks... this is kind of ironic."

"... My house blows up, Squall has a heart attack and Sissy Boy gets hit by an ice cream truck.... why did all of this have to happen at the last minute?"

"Murphy's Law."

"Damnit."

"... Hey, I think Squall's breathing got a little better."

"... I wish I had died."

"Yeah, we love you too, Squall."

-

The tension was thick. Any minute now, all hell would break loose and rain fire and brimstone down upon us.

We were dead kids, to be sure.

"So, is Seifer a good kisser?"

"Looks like we're going to have house guests for a while."

"My baby has a boyfriend!"

"Good thing the house was insured like all hell..."

I stared at the four adults, adults who were supposed to have been disappointed in us teens for RUINING THEIR LIVES. Instead...

I looked at Seifer who gave me a smirk that looked a tiny bit confused as well, then back at our parents.

"Oh, fuck ME."

-

Teh End! Sorta. No, there will be no more chapters. But I left it open so that I can fuck with this Squall some more if I feel the need. I mean, Seifer get's to live with HIM, now. (Yeah, great in case I want to continue, huh?) It IS kinda short, isn't it? But now I can attempt to write that sequal to Getting Drunk... I feel happy.

To readers and readers-who-review: Thank you for your time, attention, care, skittles, and other impliments of destru... er... and all the nice things you've had to say.

I do not apologize for disappointing any of you. And I mean that. O.o I smell food. Till my next update in whatever story!

PS: Iskander - APC rocks, and so do you. Miss Dincht: Here's your fucking update. (I don't mean this in a bad way.)