DISCLAIMER: The following characters all appear in Final Fantasy X and are owned by Squaresoft. Not me. I also do not own the concept of "Hammertime," which I suppose is owned by MC Hammer.
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Seymour awoke the next day feeling somewhat chilly. The reason was soon explained when he stretched and did not feel his sleeves flapping against his arms. His clothes were gone.
"What the—" He was sitting on the grass wearing nothing but his undershorts. Even his shoes were missing.
"Good morning!" The Al Bhed girl—Rikku, he remembered—skipped up to him carrying a plate. "I brought you some waffles." She set them down and took a swig from a juice box.
Seymour didn't notice the waffles. He was focused on a very familiar- looking part of Rikku's outfit. "You are wearing my pants."
"Mm-hmm."
"Why?"
"Cuz I like them," she said simply. "I had to take them in at the waist, but it's nice fabric. And they're so retro. Hammertime!" She began beatboxing.
Seymour had absolutely no idea what she was talking about.
"Oh! And watch what else I can do." Rikku scampered up the nearby cliff face until she was a good distance from the ground. Then she launched herself into the air feet-first. At first she dropped, but then Seymour's pants billowed outwards and caught the wind, expanding to twice their apparent width. Thus cushioned, Rikku floated gently to the ground. She grinned. "Now these are parachute pants!"
Seymour was confused and more than a little bit irritated. "Where are my clothes?"
"I've got them," she replied. "I'm tailoring them. They look very silly on you. You really don't have that bad a figure, y'know? But those Guado clothes make you look so bulky. You need something more flattering."
Something unpleasant occurred to Seymour. "Did you undress me while I was asleep?!"
"Yep," Rikku nodded as though this was perfectly ordinary. "I trimmed those nasty fingernails of yours, too."
Seymour glanced at his hands and saw that his previously long, pointed nails were now a blunted normal length. "I ask you again, why?"
"Cuz they looked gross."
"Give me my clothes back," he demanded.
"Not till I'm done with them."
"And what am I supposed to wear in the meantime?"
Rikku giggled. "Well, those fancy boxers are pretty nice."
He angrily raised his hand to smack her. Rikku pressed a button on Calhoun that sent a shock through him. He dropped his hand, seething. "Once I have my powers back, I swear..."
"Blah blah blah," said Rikku, making a chatty mouth with her hand. "Fine. I'll get you something to wear."
"Good." He did not thank her.
She wandered off and Seymour contemplated making a run for it. He decided against it. Rikku could make him fall asleep at the push of a button. Also, he had no desire to wander menacingly around Spira in his undershorts. He sat down and waited resentfully.
Rikku returned a few minutes later, dumping a pile of clothes on Seymour's lap. "Here ya go."
Seymour sifted through them dubiously. He found a pair of blitzball pants, a black lacy nightgown, a tiny Al Bhed jumpsuit, and an atrocious women's hat covered in puffballs and garishly yellow feathers. "These?"
Rikku shrugged one shoulder. "It's all we've got. Take your pick. In case you're wondering, the pants are Wakka's, the nightgown's Lulu's, the jumpsuit's mine, and I found the hat in the dumpster behind the shop over there."
Seymour looked from Rikku to the jumpsuit. "You expect me to fit into something that you wear."
"It stretches a lot," she explained. "My brother only wears a couple sizes bigger than me. It might be a little tight, especially across the shoulders, but it'll fit. Wanna try?"
"Not particularly—"
But Rikku had already begun unzipping the jumpsuit and pulling it over his feet. Somehow, in a matter of seconds, she had it up over his shoulders and was zipping it up.
"There!" Rikku hopped back to survey her work. Her green eyes widened and she burst into giggles. Before Seymour could check to see what she found so amusing, she'd unzipped the suit once again. Her adeptness at changing the clothes of others was uncanny.
"Oh my..." Rikku was still giggling as Seymour kicked the suit off from around his ankles. "I guess you were right about it not fitting. Just wear Wakka's blitz pants."
Seymour pulled them on, consoling himself with murderous visions of what he would do when he had that Calhoun thing off of him and his power restored. At least the pants were comfortable.
"That's better, even if you still look like a dork," said Rikku. Her eyes lit up. "Hey! You should practice with Wakka! He hasn't had anyone to play with since Tidus and Yunie left. It'll be fun!" And she promptly ran over towards the rest of the group, hiking up Seymour's billowing pants out of her way.
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Wakka approached Seymour a little while later, carrying a blitzball under his arm. Seymour looked at the Besaid blitzer contemptuously. "What?"
"You wanna play some blitzball?"
Seymour sniffed. "No." A small shock zapped him.
"Yes you do!" Rikku called from midair as she floated down on Seymour's pants.
Wakka chuckled. "I don't think you have a choice, ya? Stay here. I'll go out."
He jogged out into the grassy field of the Calm Lands, stopping at the edge of a fissure. "Okay! Get ready!"
Wakka tossed the ball high into the air and poised himself. As the ball reached its zenith, he leapt, reeling back his leg. His foot hit the falling ball with a resounding thud. It sped through the air, its backdraft rippling the grass. Seymour heard it whizzing with increasing loudness and realized it was heading straight for him. He couldn't blast it away, but he had no idea how to block it. And he wasn't about to even consider flinging himself to the ground. Well, it was a ball. How much could it really—
WHAP!
The blitzball whacked him in the face with completely unexpected force, knocking him backwards onto the grass. For a moment he lay there in a daze, seeing nothing but brightness interspersed with exploding dots. Then his vision focused into something resembling normal, except that he was staring up at two Wakkas and two Rikkus.
"Whoa! Are you okay?" the Rikkus asked.
"Yeesh, his nose don't look so good," said the Wakkas.
Seymour's nose was in horrid pain. He reached up and touched something moist. "Gib be a birror," he ordered.
"A what?" The Wakkas fused back into one again.
"A birror!"
"Oh! A mirror." Rikku flipped open one of the small pouches hanging from her belts. After fishing around a bit, she produced a small pink compact. "Here ya go."
Seymour clicked it open and held it in front of him. His elegant nose was swollen and coloring. A sizable amount of blood was trickling from it.
"Tilt your head back," Wakka suggested.
"Tissue?" Rikku waved one in front of him.
Seymour snatched it away and began bitterly to dab his nose. What was wrong with them? He wondered. How could he have been defeated by such fools? Playing games, arbitrarily stealing his clothing... and they were supposed to be guardians! They were supposed to be protecting Yuna! Someone with her power, protected by a chattering girl and a dimwitted jock? It was a travesty. At least Auron and the mage—Lulu—seemed sober. Still inferior in power, but sober. He would get his powers back, he vowed, and when he did he would blow them all into—
"So, you up for anotha round?"
Seymour's eyes snapped back to Wakka. "Another round?" he repeated acidly. "You must be joking."
Wakka scowled at him. "It was a courtesy question."
"Aw, Wakka, he's cranky," said Rikku.
Seymour wasn't sure what bothered him more: that Wakka was ordering him around, or that Rikku was patronizing him. "I am not 'cranky.'"
"Yeah you are. You're pouting right now," said Rikku. "Go nap."
She took out Calhoun, pressed the button, and sent Seymour falling back onto the grass with the bloody tissue still clutched in his hand.
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(A/N) Heeheeheee...slightly random, yes. Well, this is what Seymour gets for making me spend so much time training to beat him on Gagazet. At any rate, thanks to all who read this! Ooo, and bonus points for anyone who can tell me what Calhoun is named for.