(A/N) Finally, an update! This thing has been finished since last Monday, but I've been on a computer-free vacation for the past two weeks. Advance apologies to anyone who hates a lot of singing...
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Final Fantasy or the songs Hit Me With Your Best Shot by Pat Benatar, You Give Love a Bad Name by Bon Jovi, Trampled Underfoot by Led Zeppelin, or Purple Haze by Jimi Hendrix.
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"So." Rikku turned to Seymour. "Whatcha wanna do now?"
"You mean we're not going back to the hotel?"
"Of course not!" Rikku gestured at the sky. "It's still daylight."
Seymour glanced up. "Just barely. Look, the street lamps are on."
"So we have even more light," she said.
"And Auron is going to flay us both once he finds us," he added.
"Yeah, but so what? He's going to flay us no matter when he finds us," Rikku pointed out. "Is staying out for another couple hours going to make it any worse?"
"I expect not," Seymour admitted. "What is it you have in mind? And it better not involve near-death—or near-fourth-death—experiences."
"Well, we can't spy on Lulu and Wakka anymore, unless you have 500 gil that you want to shell out for a table."
"No. Even if I had money to spend, where would you expect me to put it? Nothing fits in the pockets of these ridiculous pants."
"You could put it in your shoe," Rikku suggested. "And I know you don't have money. So we're just going to walk around and see what there is." She craned her neck and peered back the way they had come. "Actually, we're going to run for a bit, because I see movement in the bar."
They sprinted down the street until the bar was no longer visible. Rikku screeched to a sudden halt. Seymour, following close behind, knocked into her and sent them both tumbling to the ground. Seymour stood and began brushing dirt off his clothes. "Why did you stop?"
Instead of answering his question, she giggled girlishly. "Oh, Seymour, that was so much fun!" She picked herself up off the ground
Seymour was so startled that he wasn't able to muster a decent comeback. "What—"
"Just play along, or you're gonna get it," Rikku said softly. Then, loudly, "I wish all our nights could be like this!" She flung her arms around him.
"Like what?" he demanded. "You are going to explain yourself immediately, or—" Suddenly his voice cut off. He screamed, but no sound came out. Calhoun must be equipped with a Silence feature, he realized.
Rikku gasped. "You mean it?" She sighed loudly. "Oh, Seymour, I love you too!"
He'd had more than enough of her games. His cheekbone was sore from her last escapade. He began railing at her, despite being afflicted with Silence.
She stared up at him adoringly. "You're so romantic! I've never felt this way about anyone before! I could just—" She reached up and pulled him towards her by his shirt. "Pull your lips in!" she ordered quietly.
Seymour soon saw why. He'd barely brought them inside his mouth when Rikku grabbed his face so her thumbs were covering his mouth. She kissed him—or rather, her thumbs—passionately. Then she abruptly released him and cast Thunder at a nearby bench.
"Okay, we can move on now," she said as though nothing had happened. "Whoops, almost forgot." She clicked Calhoun—which she'd been palming the whole time—and removed the Silence.
"WHAT IN YEVON'S NAME WAS THAT ABOUT?!" Seymour fumed.
"Shh! Keep it down or I'll Silence you again." "Answer me!" he hissed. "Why did you do that?"
Rikku pointed. "My brother was watching us from behind that bench. I didn't want to disappoint him." Seymour began to sputter incoherently in his fury.
"Hey, relax," Rikku reassured him. "Brother won't be following us anytime soon. I KO'd him with that spell."
"Why?" Seymour moaned. "Why must you make everything sound and look so much worse than it is?"
"Because I like to mess with my family. They're so overprotective."
"I noticed," he said acidly.
"C'mon, didn't you ever do things just to push your parents' buttons?" she asked.
"No. I did not." He smiled sardonically. "Unless murdering my father counts."
"Um, no. Not so much."
"If you do feel this absurd need to rebel, why must you use me?" he asked.
"Well, I used to use Tidus—that was kind of an accident, though. Dad thought he was after me till we all found out he liked Yunie. He would've been fun. But, since he and Yunie are together, that leaves me with Wakka, Auron, and you."
"And what is wrong with Wakka and Auron?"
"Wakka likes Lulu. Auron would really make Dad squirm, what with him being 20 years older and dead," she mused. "But there's no way Auron would go along with it. So that leaves you. You have to go along with it, because I said so. As an added bonus, my family really hates your guts." She grinned. "And I think you're the most fun!"
"I am flattered," he grumbled.
"Geez, you're grouchy sometimes. You were more fun back in the bar. Here, I'll tell you what," Rikku said. "I'll make it up to you by letting you buy me ice cream at that place up the street."
"I told you, I have no money. And how is it beneficial for me to buy you ice cream?"
"We're using my money," Rikku explained. "You're just doing the actual purchasing. Oh, and pretend I'm you're cousin or sister or niece or something."
"Why?"
"You'll see. Trust me on this one." Seeing Seymour's doubtful stare, she added, "If we're family, then I can't give bad meanings to things."
"True." Seymour sighed. "All right. I have to do what you want anyway. At least this seems relatively painless."
"Very painless," Rikku agreed. "In fact, I think you'll like it."
She grabbed his wrist and pulled him into the ice cream parlor. "May I help who's next?" the teenage boy behind the counter asked.
"Yep!" Rikku leaned against the counter. "Let's see...I'd like the Mount Gagazet Medley with one scoop of Cookie Dough, one Chocolate Brownie Chunk, one Rainbow, one Mint, and one Strawberry; with peanuts, jimmies, chocolate sauce, and whipped cream on top. And can I have a couple extra maraschino cherries?"
"Sure," the boy said with a dorky smile. "Anything else?"
Rikku looked at Seymour expectantly. He stared blankly down at the fifty-plus flavors of ice cream. He'd only had ice cream once before, so far as he could remember. His mother had bought him a cone on one of their rare trips to the outside world when he was very small. He couldn't remember what flavor he'd gotten. Chocolate and vanilla seemed to be the tradition; he supposed he couldn't go wrong there. "I will have a vanilla cone."
"Is that together or separate?" the boy asked.
"Together," Rikku replied.
The boy tallied the cost at the register, looking a bit disappointed at Rikku's response. "Your total comes to 40 gil."
Rikku surreptitiously shoved some gil into Seymour's hand. He presented it to the cashier boy and received change back. He began to slide it into his pocket.
"Ahem!" Rikku kicked him in the ankle. Seymour obediently gave her the change.
"Here you go," said the boy, handing a small cone to Seymour and a gigantic bowl to Rikku.
"Thank you!" Rikku said brightly. She grabbed a spoon and pulled Seymour to a table by the window. She began devouring the mountainous sundae the instant she was seated. Seymour licked his ice cream experimentally. It was a bit sweeter than he'd like, perhaps; but it wasn't bad.
They ate in silence—or at least without speaking, as Rikku made plenty of noise as she snarfed her sundae—for a few minutes. Seymour paused and watched the Al Bhed girl eat. Whipped cream and chocolate sauce framed her mouth. A few jimmies stuck to her chin.
"Would you like a napkin?" Seymour asked sarcastically.
She shook her head. "Later. No time now," she said around a mouthful of Cookie Dough.
"Is it good?"
She flashed him a thumbs-up sign, not looking up from her half-empty bowl.
In a few minutes more, Rikku had finished. She wiped her mouth and smiled contentedly. "Ah... Ow!" She gripped her head and winced. "Owowowowowowow!"
"What is it?" Seymour asked.
"Oww...ice cream hangover," she groaned. "I don't usually get brain freeze, but when I do...owwwwww."
"Does all ice cream cause this?" Seymour looked suspiciously at his cone, wondering if he should be bracing himself.
Rikku shook her head. "Only if you eat real fast. Which shouldn't be a danger for you. Geez, you're slow."
"I am not slow," Seymour argued. "Maybe you are freakishly fast."
"I am freakishly fast. But you're also freakishly slow. You have one scoop of ice cream with no toppings! You should've been done five minutes ago!" She made a face. "Look, you've barely started on the cone!"
"I prefer to take my time," Seymour said. He knew Rikku was impatient. Sitting and watching him eat would drive her crazy.
"Well, hurry up," she told him.
"Why?" Seymour asked loftily. He took a miniscule bite out of the cone and chewed it as slowly as physically possible. To his satisfaction, Rikku's eye began to twitch. He swallowed and took another bite with exaggerated sloth.
Rikku thunked her head against the table. "Eat faster," she whined. "It's unbearable. Don't make me shock you."
"But speed will ruin it," he said. "I like to savor things." For no apparent reason Rikku burst into hysterical giggles. "What?"
She waved a hand dismissively, covering her mouth with the other. "Nothing, nothing! Ice cream hangover side effect"
Seymour rolled his icy lilac eyes. "You need help."
"Yeah, maybe," she said, calming down. She looked out the window. "Ooo! Hurry up for real. We have to go. Like, now."
"Why?"
"So I can make the Brother thing up to you. Eat!" Seymour was becoming bored with his slow eating anyway, so he stuffed the remainder of the cone in his mouth whole. "Now what?" "Decide whether I'm your sister, cousin, or niece."
"You look nothing like me," he pointed out.
"Be my uncle, then. You married into my family."
"I marry into that?" He shuddered. "No, thank you."
"You almost did!" she reminded him. "Just pretend you're my uncle, and you're taking your niece out for some quality time."
"Is there a point to all this?" he asked.
"Ever been hit on by a woman before?"
"What does that have to do with anything?"
She sighed. "For someone as intelligent as you're supposed to be, you sure are thick. All right. You see those two women over there?" She pointed to a rather attractive pair of women who looked about Lulu's age walking up the street. "I can guarantee that they will join up with us. What do you think?"
"They are both quite attractive, but—"
"Ohhh, I understand," Rikku nodded. "Well, I think I'd still be able to do something for you. It might take some time, because men never shop alone regardless—"
"What?!" Seymour snapped. "Just what are you implying?! I was going to ask you how you knew they were both single!"
"Oh...whoops." Rikku looked a bit embarrassed. "Well, that's easy. They're young, they don't have rings, and it's a Friday night. Plus, there's the way they're dressed."
"You can tell their relationship status from that? How?"
"I have my ways," she said wisely. "And I know for a fact that they'll be very fond of you so long as you follow my lead and do as I say. Trust me on this. Being female—and having watched Tidus and Wakka in action—I know what a guy should and should not do. Most women are suckers for the sensitive family guy. We're also suckers for musicians, but I don't have a guitar to give you. So?"
Seymour considered it. "You swear that this will not become a twisted tale to tell your family or result in fleeing for our lives?"
"So far as I know, yes. But I promise nothing."
"Why do you bother asking for my opinion when you force me to do as you want anyway?"
She shrugged. "I dunno. It seems the polite thing to do. Now, come on! And remember, follow my lead."
Rikku took Seymour's hand and pulled him out the door. They were a few yards ahead of the women Rikku had pointed out.
"Thank you for buying me ice cream, Uncle Lycomedes!" she chirped loudly.
"You're very welcome, Audrey."
She wrinkled her nose. "Audrey?"
"If I have to have an asinine alias, so do you."
"Fair enough."
They exchanged loud pleasantries on such semi-fictitious subjects as cousin Yuna's honeymoon and "Audrey's" brother's mishap with lightning. Rikku started skipping. Suddenly, she twisted her leg and fell. She cried out in pain.
"What happened?" Seymour dropped immediately beside her, feigning immense concern.
"Owwww...." Rikku whimpered. She had tears in her eyes. Seymour was impressed. He wracked his brain, trying to think of parental things to say. "Where does it hurt?"
"Here..." She pointed at her right knee and stole a glance over Seymour's shoulder. "Bingo!" she said so only Seymour could hear. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw that the two women were jogging up to investigate.
"Oh my gosh, is she okay?" asked one, a brunette with a vibrant yellow top. "We saw her fall."
"She hurt her knee," Seymour said. "Audrey, how did it happen?"
"I was skipping, and I wasn't really watching where I was going, and my foot got caught in that crack over there." Rikku pointed at a crack a foot behind them. Seymour admired her attention to detail.
"Oh, these walkways really ought to be repaved," said the other woman, who had very long pinkish hair held back on one side with a barrette. "I was running to work and broke a heel last week."
"Can you move it?" Seymour asked, poking Rikku's knee gingerly.
"Ow!" She hissed at the touch.
"Sorry."
"It's okay. I don't think I can move it. Not right away, at least."
"Should we try to call a doctor?" the brunette asked.
"I could run and get a Potion," the pink-haired woman volunteered.
"No, no thanks. It's fine. Really," Rikku said with a weak smile.
"Are you sure?" Seymour asked.
"Yeah. My knee does this a lot," she explained. "If I step on something funny, it twists a little. It stops hurting after a bit, but I can't put weight on it for a few minutes."
Seymour glanced at the concerned women and turned back at the pretending Rikku. He then offered to do something that he vowed he would never, ever do again under any circumstance.
"Do you want me to carry you?"
"Are you sure it's not too much trouble?"
"Yes, I am certain."
"Okay." Rikku nodded. "I only need it for a little while. Just be careful when you lift me." Seymour lifted Rikku in a fireman's carry, making sure to be careful of the "injured" knee. Rikku smiled up at him. "Thanks."
"That's so sweet of you," said the brunette. "You two are family?"
"I'm her uncle," Seymour replied, thanking Yevon that this was a lie. "My name is Lycomedes."
"I'm Audrey." Rikku waved.
"I'm Giara, and this is Enni," said the pink-haired woman. "Where are you two headed?"
"Karaoke," Rikku said. Seymour suppressed a twitch.
"Really? Cool, that's where we're headed," the brunette—Enni—said. She pointed at the pink-haired woman. "We go every Friday. Giara's addicted to it."
"I am not!" Giara protested laughingly. "I just like it a lot. And Friday karaoke has been a tradition since we were in high school."
"Would you mind if we joined you?" Enni asked.
"Not at all," said Seymour. "What do you think, Audrey?"
"Of course I don't mind," said Rikku. She looked at Enni and Giara. "He's never been before."
"Oh, a rookie?" Giara grinned. "Well, we'll have to show him how it's done."
"Definitely," Rikku agreed.
"Our usual place is right up ahead," said Enni.
"Lead the way," Seymour told her.
As they walked, Enni and Giara asked Seymour and Rikku—mostly Seymour—about themselves. Rikku turned so only Seymour could see her and mouthed "I told you so." He smiled acquiescingly. He was quite enjoying himself. He'd never been on a date before. The Guado didn't do such things, and he hadn't had much contact with human women until he became a maester. Then everything had been formal. This was—dare he say it?—fun.
They entered the karaoke lounge and found a four-person booth. Seymour looked at Rikku. "Can you walk now?" he asked her.
"Maybe. Let me try." He set her down and she carefully put weight on her right leg. "I think it's fine," she told him. She walked a few steps. "Yep, it's fine."
"Be careful," Seymour warned her. "It may be still weak. Don't run on it."
Rikku rolled her eyes. "Okay, I won't. Can I go register?"
"Go ahead."
Enni and Giara glanced at each other and decided something amongst themselves. "I'll go with you, Audrey," said Enni. "Want me to register you, too?"
"That'd be great," Giara said.
Enni and Rikku headed off to the registration table, leaving Giara and Seymour alone in the booth.
"It's so nice of you to spend time with your niece," Giara said.
"Oh, it's no trouble," said Seymour. "I enjoy it. My sister and her husband both work, so they do not always have time for her."
Giara smiled at him. "You don't often see many men willingly spending time with kids—unless they're married and the kids are theirs. Especially young men. How old are you, anyway?"
"Twenty-eight," Seymour replied. "How about you? You look perhaps twenty-one."
She laughed. "Flatterer! I'm twenty-seven."
"Really? Honestly, you don't look a day older than one of my friends, and she only just had her birthday." Seymour congratulated himself. He was pretty good at this dating thing.
"So..." Giara leaned in closer to him. "A young guy like you—do you have a girlfriend?"
Yes! he cheered inwardly. He shook his head. "No, not now. There was a girl with whom things started becoming serious—we began talking of marriage—but we broke up months ago."
"Aw, how come?"
Sympathy. Nice. "It is a bit complicated. Her career got in the way and demanded so much of her time, and a co-worker of hers was in love with her...it was just too much to deal with at the time. I've only recently begun to date again."
"Well," Giara said with a flirtatious smile, "you're off to a good start."
"They had glowy stuff"! Rikku announced as she returned to the table, sporting three bright purple glow necklaces. Seeing how things appeared to be going, she and Enni glanced at each other and grinned.
"And just what are you smiling about?" Giara asked.
"Nothing!" they replied in unison. They slid into the booth on the other side of Seymour.
"We ought to be up in five minutes or so," Enni told Giara. "I picked Hit Me With Your Best Shot."
"What are you singing, Audrey?" Seymour asked, hoping that it wasn't going to be embarrassing.
"You'll see," Rikku said secretly.
They chatted and listened to the other singers—who ranged from exceptionally good to exceptionally tone deaf—for the next few minutes. Giara edged closer and closer to Seymour. Feeling bold, he lifted his arms to stretch and very suavely (or so he thought) slung one arm around her shoulders. She didn't shove it away; on the contrary, she leaned against him. Oh, yes, crowed a voice in his head. I am GOOD!
Enni and Giara were called up to the stage. Their prior karaoke experiece was evident; they were animated and not nervous in the slightest. They sang well together—though Giara had the better voice, if Seymour did say so himself. He and Rikku clapped loudly.
"Bravo!" Rikku cheered when the women had returned to the table. "You guys rock!"
"Magnificent," Seymour said.
"Thanks!" They smiled. Just then, Rikku was called to the stage.
She cringed. "Geez, I have a hard act to follow."
"You'll be fine," Enni assured her.
"Just relax," Giara advised as she slid back against Seymour. His inner stupid frat boy cheered.
Rikku skipped onto the stage. The music began. She tapped her foot to the beat, grinning mischievously. Drums crashed, and she began to sing:
"Greasy, slicked-sown body/ Groovy leather trim/ I could lay ya on the road/ Baby, it ain't no sin..."
Seymour raised his eyebrows. Had she just said—
"Oh, Trampled Underfoot!" Giara laughed. "I love this song!"
"Trouble-free transmission/ Watch your oil explode/ Baby, let me pump your gas/ Come on, lety me do it all..."
"What is this song about?" Seymour asked suspiciously.
"Machina," Giara replied simply.
"Take my heavy metal/ Unerneath your hood/ Baby, I could work all night/ Believe I got the perfect tools/ Talkin' 'bout love..."
Seymour felt his face turning red. "This song is not about machina."
"No, it's about 'machina.'" Enni made air quotes. "The whole song's like this. It's hysterical. And Audrey carries it off really well."
"Perhaps," Seymour said through gritted teeth. What could possibly suit Rikku better than an entire song of double entendres? "I would rather she sing something more appropriate."
"Ah, let her have her fun," said Giara. "Though it is sweet how you're so protective...Oh, I like your tattoos."
"Thank you," he said. The notion that someone was checking out his tattoos instantly improved his mood.
Rikku ended her song to enthusiastic applause. Enni and Giara both congratulated her. Seymour did so grudgingly.
"I shall talk with you later about what is and is not appropriate," he added.
"Aw, Uncle Lycomedes, it's just fun."
Seymour's reply was cut short by the emcee calling a Lycomedes to the stage. "They do not mean me, do they?"
"Oh, didn't I tell you? I signed you up," Rikku said. "D'you know You Give Love a Bad Name?"
"Possibly. But I—"
"Oh, you'll be fine, Lycomedes!" Giara gave him a playful shove. "Go on and try it!"
"Remember," Rikku whispered in his ear, "women are suckers for musicians!"
Seymour hated to admit it, but Rikku had been correct about everything from the moment they'd left the ice cream shop. These women—or at least Giara—had definitely been sucked in by the "sensitive family guy." If Rikku said they liked musicians, he had no reason to doubt her.
And so he found himself standing in the middle of the stage as the tai-bo conducive beats of Bon Jovi blared from the speakers. The words popped up on the small screen in front of him and he began, hoping that he remember the tune correctly.
"An angel's smile is what you sell/ You promise me heaven, then put me through hell/ The chains of love got a hold on me/ When passion's a prison, you can't break free..."
Ugh. Who wrote this drivel? This had better be getting him some points with Giara. He looked out at the table. Judging from her fawning expression, it certainly was. Ignoring Rikku's broad, devilish grin, Seymour belted the chorus.
"Ohh, you're a loaded gun/ Ohh, there's nowehere to run/ No one can save me, the damage is done/ Shot through the heart/ And you're to blame/ You give love a bad name/ I play my part/ You play your game/ You give love a bad name..."
Seymour finished the song without making a fool of himself so far as he could tell. He returned to the booth, where Rikku was hopping up and down and laughing as she clapped.
"Lycomedes, that was wonderful for a first time," Giara gushed. To Seymour's happy surprise, she kissed him on the cheek.
"Will you sing something with me?" Rikku asked him.
"Oh, that'd be so cute," Enni said. "And you both have such stage presence."
"Totally," Giara agreed. "Go on up! And do something rock, please? It works with the cool pants."
Rikku hauled Seymour off to the registration table. "Enjoying yourself?"
"Very much," he confessed. "I don't believe it. She actually liked the pants!"
"Told ya I knew what I was doing," Rikku said. "Now say it."
"Say what?"
"You know."
Seymour did know. "All right, but I will only say this once without being threatened into doing so." He took a deep breath. "You were right."
"And...?"
"And thank you. This almost makes up for the past humiliation."
"Well, the past humiliation almost makes up for the past murder and marriage attempts," Rikku said. "So technically you still owe me. Want a glowy necklace?"
They had reached registration table. The girl behind it looked up at them. "What would you like?"
"Do you have Purple Haze?" Rikku asked.
"Mm-hmm. You two going together?" the girl asked. They nodded. "Tell you what, I'll let you go on ahead. The audience likes you. You're on after this guy."
Seymour was disappointed. He wanted to return to the table and receive more adoration from Giara. But, true to word, he and Rikku were called up on stage after a slightly intoxicated man had finished YMCA.
Strange, wavy guitar began to play. "D'you know this song?" Rikku asked, covering the microphone.
"No."
"Seriously? Geez, you're deprived. I'll go first, then," she said. "It's the same tune pretty much the whole way through." She uncovered the microphone.
"Purple haze was in my brain/ Lately things don't seem the same/ Actin' funny, but I don't know why/ 'Scuse me while I kiss the sky."
A simple tune. Seymour turned to the screen, trying to block out an annoying glint coming from somewhere in the room.
"Purple haze all around/ Don't know if I'm up or down/ Am I happy, or in misery?/ Whatever it is, that girl put a spell on me."
This was an enjoyable song. Seymour smiled slightly at Rikku in spite of himself. As he turned he caught the glint in his eye again. Where was it coming from? He peered out irritably into the room and tracked it. He found its source and blanched.
There, standing ten feet from the stage, glasses shining, was a very cantankerous Auron.
Rikku followed Seymour's gaze and gulped. Cringing, she caught Seymour's eye.
"Busted..."
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(A/N) Okay, so maybe karaoke's kinda dumb. But I had to think of something they could do after ice cream. Was Seymour OOC at all during this chapter? I like to think that he's got a stupid frat boy lurking inside, as all guys do on some level.
A road warrior danke schoen to all who have read and reviewed. Yay for coming home and finding a full In-box! The next chapter ought to be up soon, since I used my computer-devoid two weeks to get some writing done.
Out of curiosity, anybody know where I got the name Lycomedes? It's pretty obscure, even for Greek mythology. A hint: I remember it because it's linked to cross-dressing. If anyone can tell me, I will give you the hypothetical frequent flyer miles I would've gotten if I'd flown the 2200-mile round trip to Houston instead of driving!