Disclaimer: I'm still penniless and destitute, I own nothing. I'm not Jared Leto, Warner Bros, J.K Rowling, R.A. Salvatore or anyone else whose material I am about to massacre.
Warning: This chapter is a bit random and has no real focus. Those of you who brave the storm, I give you props.
Chapter 3: The Chapter with a Drow, But No Real Point
A whistle was heard, cutting through the thoughts of the mainly uncomfortable students and staff of Hogwarts. The magically amplified voice of Dumbledore boomed across the mountains, the seas, the deserts, the plains, the continents, the earth, the solar system, the galaxy, the UNIVERSE, THE-
Well, it did boom. Sort of. But only those clustered on the school grounds could hear it. Everyone hurried toward the voice, if only to escape their heinous safety buddies.
"WELCOME TO THE SEXY SINGLES HOTLINE", Dumbledore intoned in an attempt at a sexy voice, "BABY, YOU CAN CALL ME JARED LETO, AND I'LL BE YOUR GUIDE TO A FUN AND KINKY NIGHT. YOU CAN RIDE MY SPACESHI-Oh dear me, wrong speech…Just one moment, everyone…."
While the severely unhinged headmaster rifled through his atrocious sparkly, purple leopard-print cloak, most members of the assembled crowd took this opportunity to gag. The exceptions were one confused first-year (he understood after 15 minutes of contemplative thought and then passed out), Hermione Granger (who had heard, but pretended not to and became thoroughly engrossed a 3,000 page 1st edition of Hogwarts, A History: The Revised and Updated Version with Things about the Founding Members That No One Needed to Know), and Minerva McGonagall (who kept whispering things in a sultry voice. Example: "Jared, I can be your Lord of War.", "30 Seconds to Mars in your spaceship, baby. That's one trip I'd take any day.")
The others have been edited because The Author is now disgusted with her own twisted mind and wishes she had a wastebasket to throw up her two Taco Bell tacos into..
"Aha!" Dumbledore yelled triumphantly. "Here it is," the loopy old codger said cheerily, reading off of a small note card, "I called all of you here because there has been an infraction of a very basic rule I set down before we were all transferred outside the castle. I'm afraid to say that one of our cherished little students performed magic with her wand after I specifically said no magic was allowed. Hermione Granger, will you please step forward?"
A collective gasp arose from the students and staff. Birds stopped chirping. Poor, overworked children in third-world countries stopped toiling. Ronald Weasely passed out from shock. Silence filled the air.
Hermione Granger had broken a rule?
Of course, Professor Trelawney was the first to break the stunned silence with her ravings.
"THE GRANGER GIRL HAS PERFORMED DARK MAGIC! THE DARK LORD HAS POSSESSED THE CHILD! SHE IS TAINTED AND EVIL!WE ARE ALL BEING CORRUPTED BY HER SINISTER AURA!"
"……WHERE'S MY SHERRY BOTTLE WHEN I NEED IT, GODDAMNIT?"
The last comment she aimed next to her at Mary Sue #1, who had cracked under the pressure of having to put up with Lavender talking about herself for 5 hours straight and smelled strongly of alcohol. Mary Sue was slumped against Severus Snape's Take It Off 6969, telling a sympathetic Hubert about how a boy from THE STATES used her to get to her 75 year-old grandmother. An empty quart of Madame Rosemareta's Unshakable Sherry was dangling limply from her left hand. Trelawney flew at the chit in an alcohol-deprived rage.
Mary Sue was saved from certain death by a man in a strange hooded cloak who swooped in from nowhere and pushed Trelawney into the lake. The insane bat drowned without anyone noticing. She had skipped her swimming lessons during Summer Teacher Training.
After pushing the crazy fraud into the clutches of the bi-polar giant squid, the Strange Man in a Hooded Cloak fell into a defensive stance, scimitars flashing in the sunset, preparing to defend himself from any of the professor's comrades. It's a bit sad for me to report that not a soul stepped forward to challenge the newcomer in retribution for offing Trelawney.
A skinny kid with a camera that weighed more than half of his body saw a shock of white hair and lavender eyes beneath the Strange Man in a Hooded Cloak's hood.
"Holy shit!" Colin Creevy yelled, "it's Drizzt Do'Urden! THE MOST AWESOME DARK ELF EVER! MERLIN'S TROUSER-SNAKE! CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH!"
Immediately a slew of rabid fan girls from all over Europe poured into the Hogwarts grounds through a rip in the space-time continuum, clutching their hands to their bosoms and declaring their love for the outcast drow, mooning over his dark past and sensitive heart and swearing to kill Catti-brie with blunt but deadly implements made from hours of careful labor and the blood of many house-elves…..
Ok, that's not really what happened. This is what really happened.
"…CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH!"
The man, now identified as the dark elf Drizzt Do'Urden, stared at the Creevy kid.
"Err…..I'm just going to take my leave of you, esteemed students and staff of witchcraft and wizardry. I have pressing business to attend to."
And with a bewildered look on his dark-skinned face, the drow quickly departed, leaving everyone puzzled.
"Oh, bollocks," sighed Colin dejectedly. He quietly retreated to his collection of books by R.A. Salvatore and started reading one with a picture of someone who looked eerily similar to the Strange Man in a Hooded Cloak.
The school inhabitants slowly returned to their senses (not that that had many left, or to begin with, for that matter). Dumbledore decided to hurry up and get back to reprimanding Miss Granger. He had an appointment with Minerva, a pair of shackles, a whip and a bucket of Jell-O in ten minutes.
"After that, er, interesting encounter with Mr. Creevy's hero, let's get back to a sever matter. Miss Granger, I regret to inform you that you will be punished for breaking Code 752 and a quarter, section B-12, paragraph 13, lines 99-104 of the Hogwarts Non-Magical Field Trip Handbook. Now if you could just come up here and-
"Excuse me, sir; the Handbook has no Code 752 and a quarter. Or any of those other obscure parameters you mentioned," Hermione stated politely, rifling through a molding, ancient text that smelled heavily of library trysts and elderly Niffler dung.
"Very well, I made the numbers up, but I swear by my great-great-great-grandfather Salazar Slyther- loud cough -I mean Nebuchadnezzar Dumbledore, that you are not allowed to use magic on non-magic field trips and that you, Miss Granger, did do such a thing."
"Oh yes, I did use magic. I Petrified Malfoy. I just thought it would be amusing to prove that you were a crazed old man who abused his seat of power by spouting false information and having no one question your motives or accuracy."
"We're peachy, then", the codger smiled "Now, I have to tell you that your Safety Buddy will be thinking up a punishment for using magic, since you did use the spell in question on him. Nothing too ludicrous, Mr. Malfoy."
Draco Malfoy hadn't been listening to the headmaster or Granger during their soapbox speeches. He was, in fact, getting his nails done by a hippogriff named Sky Sinner (a rather murderous beast whose only soft spot was manicures), and only looking up from his copy of WQ (Wizard's Quarterly) when he heard his name.
"What do you think Miss Granger should have to do for Petrifying you, Mr.Malfoy?" Dumbledore asked.
"I think her throat should be slit and her blood drained and boiled for purification. Then, her body should be defiled by anyone desperate enough to touch her or get near her Mudblood stench. Finally, her remains should be chopped and fed to ravenous banshees, who will later be hunted down and cremated, because they have been contaminated by her repulsive essence."
After a long silence, broken only by the sound of Ron being restrained by half of the male student population, Draco, looking slightly put out, sighed.
"Very well, I suppose she could just perform a strip tease, complete with provocative costume, song, and Snape's kick-ass stripper pole in front of the students, staff and other lowly beings."
"That sounds excellent, Mr.Malfoy. Miss Granger, you have an hour to come up with a routine and song. I will conjure a suitable stage for your astounding performance."
Hermione, surprisingly, accepted the task and threw herself into preparing for the test with astounding vigor and excitement.
Author's Note: I had three reviews for that last chapter! wipes imaginary tears away You guys rock. Special regards to Riri, Harry's whore (interesting name choice), and, of course, Henrietta-Black van der Snape. You are the reason I write. You're the light of my life and all that jazz.
Much love,
Canadian Vamp