Sandy smiled to himself as they cruised along in dark highway. Ryan and Kristen where dozing in the back of the jeep, while Sandy drove and Seth slept in the passenger seat.
At first it was just murmuring, "No...no…no…no…stop…please…don't," Sandy glanced back to see Ryan twisting around. It resembled just a bad dream.
"Stop! Don't hurt her. I didn't mean it. Don't. Please. I'm sorry. DON'T."
That woke Kristen and Seth up, stretching Seth turned in his seat to look at Ryan. He was curled up in a ball, as if trying to protect himself, "DON'T HIT HER! STOP! STOP! NO, NOT THAT…PLEASE STOP HITTING ME! I'M SORRY!NO, DAD! NO! I'LL BE GOOD, I PROMISE!PLEASE STOP!"
By the time Sandy was able to pull over to the side of the road; Ryan was twisting all around, fighting attackers that only existed in his dreams. Kristen tried to shake him awake, "Ryan, wake up, it's only a dream…it's only a dream...no one is trying to hurt you…you're okay."
With a start he awoke and stared at the three worried faces looking at him, it was as if for a moment he didn't recognize who they were. "I need some fresh air." Ryan murmured getting out of the car.
"Stay close." Sandy called out as he opened the windows.
For a moment the Cohens were silent, stunned. "Is he going to be okay?" asked Seth, clearly disturbed.
"I don't know," responded Sandy, "You stay here, I'm going to go see how he is."
"Not alone, you're not," Kristen answered already opening the door. "Stay here Seth."
Together they walked out in the darkness, the car lights highlighting a bent figure, retching near some trees. "Go away, I'm fine."
"You're not fine and we're not going away," Sandy bent down beside him, "Just take all of the time you need because we aren't in any rush."
Ryan looked like he was going to protest and then merely nodded, "I think…I think I'm going to throw – up again."
Kristen stroked his hair back, "It's okay honey."
About 5 minutes latter the family returned to the jeep. From a bag near her feet Kristen passed Ryan a bottle of water, "Just drink some water slowly."
Strangely Seth said nothing but merely peered at Ryan. Even though there was only a few months between them sometimes he felt like Ryan was years older then him. It was scary to see the person who he viewed as his older bother so completely crippled by a nightmare. Ryan smiled weakly at him, "I guess I really shouldn't have had that burger at the last truck shop."
"See you really are a Cohen! Making jokes inappropriately soon after a traumatic event," Sandy smiled at him through the rear-view mirror, "You ready to hit the road again, kid?"
Ryan brushed the hair out of his eyes, "Like I said before, I'm fine."
The car returned to silence again but unlike before, where it was a silence of togetherness, now everyone was extremely conscious of each other, yet alone. "We still have another few hours before we hit the hotel near Mount Rushmore." Sandy commented, trying to make conversation.
"Great," replied Seth. And then silence again.
As they rolled along in the darkness it felt like they were the only people on the planet. The highway was nearly deserted and the only light was that of their headlights, illuminating their way through the forest.
When Ryan spoke his voice was harsh, if from emotion or just the strain of being so sick it was hard to tell, "I was never this scared when I was living through it." When no one spoke he continued, "I mean I was scared but I was also angry and frustrated and….numb. It just didn't terrify me the way it does now. Growing up I got hit a lot, by my mom, my dad, the boyfriends, everybody seemed to be out to hurt me. And I could never seen to be able to make them stop, someone was always angry at me no matter how quiet I tried to be or how good I was. I don't remember when I started hitting back but somewhere a long the line I learned to throw a punch, break a nose or two. But in these dreams…I am in Chino again and I am hiding under in cupboard in our kitchen that I used to play in when I am young. My dad is enraged like some monster hitting my mom over and over again and I am terrified that they will find me. And then they do and I am helpless again."
Sandy spoke quietly, "When I told you I missed the smell of my father's cigars, I told you the truth Ryan. But I probably should have explained more. There a lots of things I don't miss, too. I don't miss the way that he used to come home stinking drunk, I don't miss the way that he would hit my mother around, hit me and my brother and sister around. The thing was when he left, unlike the smell of cigars, all of the bruises, and fears and scares didn't leave with him, they stayed. I told you it took me a long time to realize that there were things I missed about him, well getting over the fear that he might come back took just as long."
"Just know that you are part of our family now Ryan, and that past is behind you." Kristen stroked his hair, "You aren't helpless anymore."
"Yeah," piped up Seth, "You are part of our family now and we are not giving you up."
"Ever," finished Sandy, "Now how about some late night sing-a-long, I can't believe we are almost there and haven't completed one rendition of "West Side Story"…."