Series: Saiyuki
Title: Camping Out
Author: cesmith
Beta: OtakuPrincess
Rating: T
Disclaimer: Saiyuki and all of its characters were created by Kazuya Minekura. They belong to her and were used without prior permission. No profit is made through this story.
Summery: Gojyo learns the perils of camping out. Non shounen ai, bad language.
A/N: This story was written for the 8th challenge on the ffnetauthorsdotproboards29dotcom message board. Write a story in first person present tense and include the sentence fragment, giant spider in my pants.
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Camping Out
"Damn. Damn. Damn!" I roar as I roll over for what seems to me to be the 1000th time, only to find another rock poking me solidly in the ass.
"Damn." I add again, just because it makes me feel better.
Sanzo, snug in his bedroll, opens his eyes, but instead of yelling or even shooting, he just glares at me, then turns over onto his other side, his back facing me, and pretends to sleep.
Goku doesn't even stir. I swear, the kid could sleep any where and any when. It doesn't matter if it's on the ground or in a bed, he lies down and he's out. The only things I know will wake him are youkai attacks or food. I'm not sure which one wakes him up faster.
Suddenly, there's a popping sound and embers from our fire spit out of the blaze and land on my bedroll. The embers glow a little brighter and smoke starts to gently rise.
"Shit." I yell as I frantically scramble out of my smoldering blankets so I won't get burned too.
I hear a chuckle, and then two feet start stomping on my blankets, helping me smother the embers. Hakkai has come over from his sentry post to help.
"Gojyo," Hakkai says quietly, "this does not seem to be your night."
His calm balances my agitation.
"Not funny, Hakkai." I say as I shake out the now foot-printed and singed blankets, and rearrange them on the ground a little farther from the fire.
"It's just that it's been two weeks." I complain to him. "Two weeks of sleeping on the ground with rocks poking me everywhere. Two weeks of no beds, no running water, no gambling, no beer, no women, and two weeks of eating your cooking."
I pause to take a breath during my rant. Luckily, for me, the fire flickers and I am able to see the subtle lift of Hakkai's eyebrow, able to see the fire in his eyes that my last statement has ignited.
In self-preservation I quickly add, "As good as your cooking is Hakkai; it's still not restaurant food, sitting at a table, being served, relaxing, flirting, and just being around other people."
"What happened to loving camping Gojyo?" Hakkai asks me. "I seem to remember someone wanting to take a trip two years ago, camping out, and letting me do all the cooking."
I look at him, puzzled, and then it clicks. An old discussion we'd had late one night, when I was half-drunk. A forgotten game of What If, played to escape the boredom of life at that time.
He makes me laugh, I can't help it. It always amazes me how Hakkai can remember the oddest things, this little conversation from so long ago. It was so unimportant at the time and yet so prophetic.
"The reality sucks, big time." I tell him as I lie back down, wrapping my smoke scented blankets around me, moving my hip to the side and trying to avoid yet another rock.
Getting comfortable is impossible.
"Shit! I give up. I'm going to sleep in Hakuryuu tonight." I grumble as I start to get up once more.
"Sorry Gojyo," Hakkai says as he gracefully squats down next to the campfire to get a cup of coffee, "but Hakuryuu is too tired to stay in his jeep form tonight. He's already tucked into a blanket next to my bedroll."
Through the fire's light, I notice with a start that Hakkai's smiling. Not his normal smile, but a real one that actually reaches his eyes. He's enjoying my being uncomfortable way too much, and I tell him.
Another chuckle. I really do seem to be amusing him tonight.
"Look, Gojyo, it's not too long until morning. Try and get some sleep. You'll be waking up soon enough."
I groan…again. It's been a rough couple of weeks in more ways than just sleeping on a rocky ground. The attacks have been much more frequent and without the towns to provide a distraction, we're getting bored with each other's constant company. Goku and I are quicker to argue, and not always jokingly. Sanzo whacks us with his fan and draws his gun at the slightest irritation. It still surprises me he didn't shoot at me earlier instead of just glaring and rolling over. Even Hakkai's smile is strained, and by the end of the day, it disappears when he thinks no one is looking, when he allows himself to feel the exhaustion of each day.
The tension keeps growing and we all need a town to give us time away from each other, to follow our own interests. A town to act as a release valve to rid us of the pressure of reality for a short while, a chance to pretend everything is like it used to be, before the Minus Wave, and not as it is now.
"Ok Hakkai, but if I can't get comfortable soon, I might as well relieve you and just let Goku sleep through his turn at watch."
"Try to sleep, Gojyo. I'm fine. With the attacks happening almost daily, I prefer everyone to be rested and ready. I'm hoping there will be a town tomorrow." With that, Hakkai takes his coffee and returns to his sentry post.
I roll over, finally finding a spot with no rocks. Thank the gods. Miracles do happen, I guess. I breathe slow and deep, trying to relax. My mind starts to wander to all the things I miss and a litany of beds, beer, gambling, and women keeps repeating, over and over, forming a song in my head. Before I know it, I'm starting to relax. The smell of the fire mixes with the forest scents and the fresh earth. The warmth of the fire lulls me and I slip off to sleep.
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Wha? I think as I slowly wake up. After trying to get comfortable for so long, I'm finally all cozy in my blankets, wrapped in my cocoon, my mind still too sleep-muddled to know what woke me up. But something has disturbed my sleep. I look around our camp, trying to figure out what it was.
The fire has mostly burned out; giving off very little light or warmth, but that's ok because the first rays of sunrise are in the sky. Across the camp, I can just make out Goku, now sitting in Hakkai's place as sentinel. Hakkai is in his blankets, next to the campfire, breathing deeply. He's finally getting the rest he always counsels the rest of us to get. Sanzo is still lying on his side with his back to me. His arm is tucked under his head as an extra pillow. He, too, is breathing deeply, sound asleep.
All seems quiet, and then I feel it, and I know this is what woke me up. Something is tickling my leg, and, it is moving, moving up over my knee and onto my thigh. It feels like small, delicate fingers, touching lightly and moving on, up, toward my groin.
…And suddenly, I am no longer half-asleep.
There's something crawling around in my pants! I let out a howl and stand up, patting myself and trying to quickly get my clothes off.
Goku, from his post, yells out my name, worried that something is seriously wrong. He starts to come over to help me, but he hesitates when he sees what looks like me rubbing myself and pulling off my clothes.
"Gojyo," he yells in disgust, "stop playing with yourself."
Sanzo, of course, picks that moment to wake up and without having to turn, I can feel Hakkai's eyes on me too.
"You perverted kappa, take that behavior into the woods." Sanzo says and emphasizes his statement with a shot into the ground in front of me. Dirt flies up from the impact, forcing me to take a few quick steps back.
"You ASSHOLE." I manage to growl out. Not even the bullet has stopped me from stripping off my jeans. "There's something moving in my pants." I yell as I stretch out the waistband of my boxers and look in. There it is, a giant spider in my pants, and it's fucking huge, nearly the size of my fist. Panicking, I pull off my boxers, exposing myself, but at the same time letting everyone else see the monster that is crawling on me. With another yell, bordering on a shriek, I shove it off of me and lift my shoeless foot to squish it.
Another gunshot shatters the dawn and the spider explodes, sending spider guts everywhere.
"Problem solved." Sanzo says as he stands up and gingerly tries to stretch out all the kinks he got during the night from sleeping on the ground.
"What the hell? You could have hit my foot you trigger happy Monk."
"Then I guess it's a good thing you are slower than I am. Next time, watch where you put your bedroll." With that, Sanzo walks off into the woods.
I start picking up my bedding, trying to shake off whatever pieces I can. Now, not only are my blankets smoke-scented and singed, but dotted with footprints and spider pieces. There better be a town close by because I am not sleeping in them tonight.
Goku is staring at what's left of the spider, trying hard not to look at me.
Hakkai is shaking with laughter. "Uhm, Gojyo," he says, "I think, perhaps, you should put some clothes back on."
I look down at myself. In the excitement, I had forgotten I was naked. I pick up my boxers, holding them with just two fingers, shaking them extra carefully, which seems to make Hakkai laugh even harder.
I'm glad I could provide him with so much entertainment tonight.
"Laugh all you want Hakkai, but when we get to the town you promised we would find today, someone will have some very nasty clothes to wash." Putting my arm around his shoulders, I ask him a typical morning question, "So, what are you planning to make for breakfast?"
And a new day starts.
It might not have been the most pleasant experience and it certainly is one I will have a hard time living down (Hakkai just laughs when he looks at me, Sanzo scowls and smirks, and I think I have scarred Goku for life.), but, it seems to have broken some of the tension that has been building in our group.
I guess I will trade a few minutes of embarrassment for a little harmony. Seems like a good deal to me.
The End
A/N: Please forgive the shameless plug of my earlier one-shot, What If?. It just fit in so perfectly, I couldn't resist.