Thank You For Your Lovely Reviews.
Mara: Thank you so much. You would think this is it but a lot has to happen still. Thank you for reviewing.
Shioban: Your welcome and thank you again. I didn't sleep much either, must be contagious ;) Thanks for you review!
Vero: Don't worry, Hephaistion would never willingly hurt Alexander. Thank you for reviewing!
lvingphai: He will be but don't worry it won't last long. Thank you for reviewing!
Emerald Amber: My OO Thank you so much!
XZanayu: Don't worry it isn't horrible. Thank you for reviewing!
VaniaHepkins: Don't worry, Hephaistion won't be cruel. Thanks for reviewing!
This chapter is dedicated to Mara, who help me with another scene taken from the movie.
It's a short chapter though.
I can't live with you
But I can't live without you
I can't let you stay
Oh but I can't live if you go away
I don't know just how it goes
All I know is I can't live with you
Yeah, I'm having a hard time
I'm walking a fine line
Between hope and despair
You may think that I don't care
But I travelled a long road to
Get a hold of my sorrow
I tried to catch a dream
But nothing's what it seems
Love is saying baby it's all right
When deep inside you're really petrified.
I can't Live With You by Queen.
Chapter 6: What Do You Want From Me?
Hephaistion woke up the next morning determent to put an end to his attraction to Alexander and try to stop from becoming to involved with the boy. But he feared he was way in over his head already. Just thinking about Alexander made his face flush, he could still taste him on his lips from the night before. He dreamed all night about the boy but he was determent to put a stop it no matter what. Hephaistion knew that getting involved with Alexander, who was prince, would mean many sacrifices and maybe heartache along the way but somehow he couldn't seem to care about it. Just a brief moment in Alexander's companionship was enough to make him the happiest man alive. Sighing he quickly dressed and decided to skip breakfast, not wanting to see Alexander, in case he changed his mind.
Alexander however awoke to feel refreshed and happy. The night he spent with Hephaistion was one of the best yet, he could be himself and didn't get judged for what he did or said. Alexander felt like he was finally getting in touch with himself. Hephaistion seemed to have a calming effect on him and he liked it. Normally he would have ranted and raved after seeing his parents but somehow he opened up and told Hephaistion everything. Hephaistion was there when he needed it the most and he was grateful. He hoped they could be friend now. He still wondered about that kiss though, there was no denying they both enjoyed it, even with the shortness of it. He couldn't wait to talk to Hephaistion. Alexander got washed and dressed and rushed down for breakfast, only to see everyone present but Hephaistion. Alexander frowned and sat near Ptolemy, who have him a knowing look.
That afternoon Alexander found himself listening intently to one of Aristotle's lessons. He looked to his right, seeing Hephaistion listening intently, staring strait ahead. He hadn't been able to talk to him all day, it seemed to him Hephaistion was avoiding him or maybe he was getting paranoid, in any case he would talk to him as soon as today's lessons were over. Alexander turned back and listened.
"Although an inferior race, the Persians control at least four fifths of the known world. But is it possible, that the source of Egypt's mighty river Nile could rise in these distant mountains of the outer earth?..." explained Aristotle, pointing to a map on the floor, which depicted the world as they know it , " ….If so, an experienced navigator could find his way, here by this river, east down into the great plains of India out into the eastern ocean and end of the world… and by this route up the Nile back to Egypt into the Middle Sea and home, to Greece…." Aristotle showed the road about which he spoke with a stick dragging it along the map.
Hephaistion looked at Alexander for a moment, seeing the boy's concentration was on the map, smiling slightly a light shining in his eyes making Hephaistion swallow hard before turning back to Aristotle,
"….Now if only these frogs could look out what an act of their favourite position of the centre, Greece could rule the world!..." ended Aristotle passionately, looking at each of his students, stopping at Alexander who stood up from his seat, walking closer.
" Why is it master? In myths these lands you speak of are known?..." started Alexander making every head turn in his direction, "…. India, where Heracles, and Dionysus travelled…." Alexander pointed at the map like Aristotle did earlier, "….All these men who went east Thesis, Jason, Achilles… were victorious! From generation to generation their stories have been passed on." Hephaistion nodded to himself, thinking Alexander had a point, "….Why? Unless there is truth of them."
Aristotle laughed at Alexander explanation and said, "Tales of amazons, eh? No Alexander" Hephaistion watched as Alexander sat back down clearly disappointed no one backed him up, making Aristotle dismiss him. "Only common people believe these tales. As they believe almost anything…." Hephaistion caught Alexander gaze for a second and swallowed at the new light shining in them. He had to turn away, because the longer he stared at Alexander, the more he lost his will to continue with his plan of ignoring the boy until he forgot he existed. "We are here precisely to educate ourselves against such foolish passions". Suddenly Alexander stood back up and tried again.
"But if we are superior to the Persians as you say, why do we not rule them? It is, it has always been, our Greek dream to go east." Aristotle nodded, conceding to Alexander point but warned,
"The east has a way of swallowing men and their dreams."
Every one taught about that for awhile, silence hung in the group until a small voice at the back spoke up,
"Master! Master!" Aristotle turned around trying to see who it was,
"Yes?"
"Master! Master!"
"Yes, out with it." Yelled Aristotle irritated,
"Why are the Persians so cruel?" asked Nearchus, a chubby boy with short brown hair, everyone laughed at the comment that was clearly made to lighten the mood. Hephaistion peaked another glance at Alexander, who smiled widely at the remark. Hephaistion bit his lip out of habit but turned quickly back when Alexander turned to look at him.
"That is not the subject for today, Nearchus…" said Aristotle sighing but relented, "….but it is true. The oriental races are known for their barbarity and their slavish devotion to their senses. Excess in all things is the undoing of men! That is why we, Greeks, are superior. We practise control of our senses. Moderation…." He looked around searching their faces and laughs "….We hope! "
Then another student, named Cassander, with long dark hair falling in his eyes, spoke up,
"And what of Achilles and Troy, master? Was he not successive?" Alexander quickly looked at Hephaistion worry in his eyes. He still felt guilty for burning the scroll. He saw the despair in Hephaistion's eyes when it happened and he hoped Cassander's remark didn't bring the bad memories back but Hephaistion's face stayed neutral revealing nothing.
"Achilles, simply lacks restraint…." Hephaistion saw the look Alexander gave him but decided not too react, he still felt hurt yes but somehow it didn't weigh up to what Alexander himself was offering: friendship. "….He dominates other men so completely that even when he withdraws from battle, crazed with grief over his dead lover Patroclus, he seriously endangers his own army, he is a deeply selfish man." Alexander frowned at the comment his teacher made but wisely chose to keep his mouth shut, deep inside he knew it wasn't so. He turned back towards Cassander who replied,
"Then would you say that the love between Achilles and Patroclus is a corrupting one?" Cassander looked at Both Alexander and Hephaistion for some reason and both boys raised an eyebrow at that, not quite believing it. They knew and felt there was more to it then meets the eye.
"When men lie together in lust, it is a surrender to the passions, and does nothing for the excellence in us. Nor does any other excess, Cassander. Jealousy among them…." Added Aristotle who had caught the look Cassander gave Alexander and Hephaistion. He himself was aware of the connection between two boys even if they themselves were still figuring it out, "…But when men lie together and knowledge and virtue pass between them… That is pure and excellent!..." Alexander looked towards Hephaistion as Aristotle kept talking and this time Hephaistion did not look away. Hephaistion trembled slightly at the look Alexander gave him and he understood now that no matter what happened Alexander would always be a part of him. There was no way he could carry on with his plan now and simply decided to let things happen. "….When they compete, to bring out the good, the best of each other, this is the love between men that can build a city state. And lift us from our frog pond." Aristotle looked between the two boys who were lost in their own world and sighed knowing there will be many hardships in their lives. Same sex relationships were quite common but it was still frowned upon when two young men entered such a relationship. Such a relationship was reserved for an older man who taught the younger everything he knew but eventually the young man would grow out of it and marry. But looking between those two, he knew that would not happen. He decided to have a word with Hephaistion about it after he dismissed his class.
Alexander packed up his things as slowly as possible, seeing Hephaistion talk to Aristotle for a minute. When everyone left Alexander was waiting for Hephaistion to finish, he frowned as he saw their serious faces and became worried when he saw Hephaistion blush and then turn pale as if he was afraid, then he looked determent and he saw Aristotle smile before squeezing Hephaistion's shoulder. He waited until the said their goodbye's and he smiled as Hephaistion walked towards him but instead of stopping in front of him he walked around Alexander without a word and continued to walk.
"Hephaistion?" asked Alexander in shock watching him leave, shaking his head he yelled his name, louder this time; "Hephaistion!"
Hephaistion did not hear Alexander he was too deep in though after his conversation with Aristotle. The same Aristotle, who in his infinite wisdom, already figured out what was happening between him and warned him about the sacrificed he was bound to make. He told him Alexander will have to marry someday and beget and heir, pointing out there was little to no room for him in the picture. Hephaistion knew all this and even though it broke his heart at the thought, he would forever stand at Alexander side.
"Hephaistion, wait up!..." Hephaistion simply kept walking muttering to himself not knowing Alexander was right behind him. Alexander took hold of his arm trying to stop him, "…hey, didn't you hear me call your name? I…" Alexander had no change to finish his sentence because Hephaistion had swung around hitting Alexander in the eye making him stumble and fall.
Alexander ended up on the ground in shock, trying to catch his breath as Hephaistion trembled not believing he actually hit Alexander, he didn't know it was him, he acted purely out of instinct. He saw the huge bruise on Alexander's face and started to apologise,
"Alexander, I…" but he never got to finish as Alexander suddenly looked up angry,
"What is wrong with you?..." shouted Alexander as he scrambled up right, "…first you ignore me, then you help me, then you hate and then you want to be friends with me and yesterday you you…" stuttered Alexander waving his hands around, "…kissed me and now you hit me! What in Zeus' name do you want from me?" yelled Alexander getting in Hephaistion's face. He saw Hephaistion suppressing tears but due to his anger he was blinded to see why.
"I don't know…" whispered Hephaistion silently, looking down. He was in shock about what happened and couldn't come up with the words to tell Alexander what he wanted. Looking into Alexander's angry eyes he tried to explain but Alexander huffed loudly,
"Not good enough…" and left, leaving Hephaistion staring after him, who wanted to stop Alexander but seemed to be frozen in place unable to make his voice work. When he finally collected himself Alexander was long gone. Hephaistion knew Alexander was too angry to talk to right now and he decided to wait until he calmed down.